JACKASS ARCHIVE
Week 11: 5-5-99
1.) I still dont know where to start! He drives crazy, theres a good one. One time he floored his car in reverse, and put a big whole in his back bumper. He just got out of his car, and his jaw dropped. Haha! Then one time he almos broke his axle in half by turning his car too hard while going to fast...the list goes on and on...
2.) He has horrible luck with women. He always ends up dating these girls that he absolutely can't stand. Like the one who said she was "Laser Tag Champion of the World". Getting the picture here? Or the one aptly nicknamed "The Forehead", for obvious reasons. Or how about the one...
3.) One time he did a Chinese Fire drill (that's where someone gets out of the car at a red light, and runs a circle around it) right in front of a cop, and didn't realize how much of a Jackass he was till he got back in the car and saw the Missouri City Police logo on the side of the car.
4.) The driver's side window of his car only rolls down about 3 inches, and if you try to roll it down more it makes this irritating rattling noise. This is funny because, when he goes throuh drive-through, he has to open his door, and look like a dick to get his food. Haha.
5.) Once,he dressed up like Chewbacca and danced in that hot ass costume for one of our shows at the park. He stuck a cigarette in the mouth of the costume, and almost caught himself on fire.
6.) That stupid face he pulls when you have a staredown contest with him. I'm going to get a picture of that face and put it up here one day. It's so bad, it's cheating. It's like a look so dumbfounded, it's worse than staring at Medusa's head.
7.) He let those pussies in the band "20 Inch Long" whoop his ass when he was dancing in the costume. Haha, those guys couldn't even beat up Esteban's little sister, all together if they tried. (Payback for plastering "WE TOOK OUT CHEWBACCA!!" all over your site, Sam).
8.) One day, he skipped school, stayed at home for some reason, then when he heard his mom come home early looking for him because the school called and told her he was skipping, he went and hid behind the couch. She was looking for him, then his cat started meowing at him, selling him out. Next thing you know, his mom's staring down at him crucnched up in a ball, hiding behind the couch, and the only he could think of to say was "I was sick...".
9.) He skipped 9 days of school in a row, and expected not to get caught, or in trouble. Then they tell him if he skips one more day of school, he will not graduate this semester. So what does he do? Well what would you do if you were Jackass of the week?
10.) Made his own "I Hate Fuhgetaboutit" shirt with a magic marker. Enough said.
11.) He says he whooped my ass in the 6th grade, but is sorely mistaken, for you see it was not mine own ass (oh no, oh no) that got beat, but his. I just let him say that to make him feel just that much better about himself, if it helps.
12.) He asked me like an hour ago to make him Jackass of the Week. Now really people, this is not a prize!! You should't WANT to be the Jackass of the Week!! It's not an honor!
This is what you get when you breed a donkey, and a chimp... Doug! Goodnight to all!!
Week 9: 4-21-99
JEREMY WEBB
This honor bestowed on Jeremy has been a long awaited arrival and we are all going to have fun with this!
1.) He always bitches, bitches, bitches. Blah blah blah. Shut up Jeremy!!
2.) Has a really stupid haircut here, and REALLY needs to get it cut! Bad!!!!
3.) Drops his guitar and doesen't care! One time at the Abyss, a huge speaker fell on his guitar, and he was like "Eh...". That was after he freaked out however.
4.) He never has any money! And when people loan him money, they don't get it back for like a year.
5.) He drives this gay little Saturn.
6.) Quit AMC after working there a year and a half, and getting the hook-up there. Also he quit while he's got a stupid crush an this girl there that's just kinda cute.
7.) His dog is a mean little bastard. If you get within like a foot of him he starts growling. He also likes to chase Doug around the pool numerous thimes.
8.) Turned down a very fine girl for a girl that is cute and has a boyfriend. Then he got screwed both ways and didn't get either one!!!! (cough, cough, Gigi, cough)
9.) Did we mention he's got a gay haircut.
10.) His TV is too damn big!
11.) And finally, he got his ass whooped by Doug Landrum in the sixth grade!!!!
Note from Jeremy: Yeah, all this seems pretty acurate!
Week 8: 4-14-99
ROMEL "ZERO" SOMETHING
Don't ask for Romel's Zero's last name. It's a mystery to everyone, including himself. Oh well here goes nothing (I mean Zero). Ha ha, not funny...
1.) First of all look what he wrote on the back of that picture. Its all nice and good until...
... Your wish is my command, Zero.
2.) One time, he brought his Super Soaker like 4 million to one of our shows, and ran around soaking everyone like a loose fire hose and screaming like a girl! Damn Zero gettin po' peoples like us clothes wet!
3.) One time he tried to set our High School on fire.
4.) He always runs away when we try to exact our revenge on him from the Super Soaker thing. We got a 5 gallon bucket with your name on it boy!
5.) He was bugging me for quite some time to make him Jackass Of The Week. To tell you the truth, I can't find enough Jackass material on this specimen. Oh well, him wanting the title is reason in and of itself.
Buh dee, buh dee, buh dee, that's Zero folks!
Week 7: 4-5-99
GRANT BERRY
Ok, heres the deal. For all of you who don't know who Grant Berry is, give me your address, so I can come over to your house, and give you such a pinch! Well actually, not really Grant, but Grant's band. Ladie's and gentlemen, say hello to the ex-trombone player of Reel Big Fish...
1.) He walked out on the most talented (Mind you I didn't say best. That is only my opinion.) ska band in history, and didn't think twice about it, in the middle of a set, in the middle of a song!
2.) He got drunk before shows continusouly, before finally being asked to leave the band.
3.) He walked out on the most talented (Mind you I didn't say best. That is only my opinion.) ska band in history, and didn't think twice about it, in the middle of a set, in the middle of a song!
4.) He keeps begging us to join our band. Dude, when will you see no means no!
5.) He's got a gold mouthpiece just like Esteban. Oooooooh, you guys are hot now!! Too bad that mouthpiece don't help you play no better Esteban! (Just kidding! Esteban's awesome. But Grant on the other hand...ha ha.
6.) He walked out on the most talented (Mind you I didn't say best. That is only my opinion.) ska band in history, and didn't think twice about it, in the middle of a set, in the middle of a song!
7.) He walked out on the most talented (Mind you I didn't say best. That is only my opinion.) ska band in history, and didn't think twice about it, in the middle of a set, in the middle of a song!
8.) Oh yeah, one more thing... Oh forget it, I won't waste your time or mine anymore by putting that! But man, I mean geez come on!!
OK, this page is dedicated to that special someone who touches our hearts each and every week and make us glad that we are not them. If you have any suggestions for "Jackass Of The Week", e-mail us and let us know who. Hey isn't that your name on there?
Week 6: 3-30-99 (Sorry, a day late AGAIN!)
JUSTIN TURNER
Well, this goofy bastard has been messing with us for LONG ENOUGH! It is getting out of hand, so we had to call in the heavy artilleries. (Is that spelled fight?) Anyway, Justin "Spots" Turner, you're welcome. You are the new "Jackass of the Week". If anyone knows him, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
1.) He has wasted enough time to create an "Anti-Fuhgetaboutit/Support-Fuhgetaboutit" page (it's half and half), and talk both good and bad about us.
2.) He has a website up, but NEVER updates it. Maybe he doesn't have enough stuff to update. Oh well.
3.) He is the leader of the AFEG "Anti-Fuhgetaboutit-Extremist-Group", yet went out of his way to win our first (and so far only) contest by going to our website and refreshing his server an unknown number of times to reach the magic 1,000 number. What do you want with our crappy merchendise Justin? You are the leader of the AFEG!
4.) He has blatently stolen the "Jackass of the Week" award off of our website, and "cleverly" renamed it on his website "The Jaime Award", named after his step brother who he claims is "sooooo crazy" when he's the one who makes the "Anti-Fuhgetaboutit-Extremist-Group".
5.) He bashes Fuhgetaboutit, yet he doesn't even have a band for us to bash. That's no fair!!
6.) His girlfriend and he define "on and off relationships". I have lost count of how many times they have broken up and gotten back together, but I think the count is somewhere close to 7.
7.) One time he called us the third best ska band in the world. Now, this was written, by him, on a website page with a moving banner that says "I HATE FUHGETABOUTIT!!!". Now not only that, but we are nowhere near, in the same ballpark, by any means, the third best ska band in history. We have only been around a year and a half. I don't know whether or not this was a joke (if it was there's another reason he's the "Jackass"!), but if not that's still a honor. It means we appeal to even our "enemies" even though he is all of our friend. Oh well, he already took it off anyway.
8.) He got pantsed not one, not two but THREE times in one day by the Chewbacca guy himself; Doug. Tear-a-way pants rule. By the way, here's some advice for you all. Don't wear tear-a-way pants to a Fuhgetaboutit show. It is like our instinct that as soon as we see those things, they come off. We are still not half as bad as "Chewie" though. He won't even have a second thought about it, anytime, anyplace.
9.) If you don't know Romel "Zero", disregard this reason. He let Zero kick him in the nuts at our band practice. TWICE!!
Week 5: 3-25-99 (Sorry, a day late)
SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC
Kind of on a serious note this week. (But then again, not entirely so. Come on it's us!) Just so you know, Slobodan Milosevic is the ruler of Yogoslavia, and got the hellfire bombed out of him today because he was trying to keep a whole state (Kosovo) from being free and remaining oppressed. Well here we go...
1.) Hmmm...which one do I start with? How about he is a fascist, rascist, asshole, oppressive, Nazi who gets his little power trips out of pushing poeple around, and killing innocent civilians. What a dickhead! Let's see him go into New York City (or anywhere in America for that matter) and spout off his race superiority crap around some gun-toting angry American.
2.) He refuses to listen, like all idiotic world leaders who try and take over the world. He gets warned to stop the horrible things that he's doing, he refuses, and gets nailed. Over and over. This guy reminds me of The Brain from "Pinky and the Brain". He's probably got one of his little confidant's there next to him saying, "So what are we going to do tonight Slobodan?" "The same thing we do every night. Try to take over the world!".
3.) What's up with all these countries thinking America is joking with them. They toy around with us (Sadaam Houssein/this guy), and get suprised when we get tired of playing with them and blast them. Sorry Slobodan Milosevic, Sadaam already tried to play the little "America won't blow up my army in two seconds" trick.
4.) Every war he starts he ends up getting his ass kicked. I guess that not only makes him a Jackass, but all the people that follow him Jackasses as well. "Oh well, our solemn leader has never yet won a war, but now that he's trying to screw with the strongest, most industrialized nation in the world that has never even been attacked on the mainland (except the British, but that's another story in itself). Hmmm...I think I will really stick by him this time."
5.) Military and combat sucks anyway. All that happens is that people end up dying over land or egos or something totaly lame like that anyway. Meanwhile, this guy is slaughtering innocent Albanian people for one of the most ignorant reasons of all; race.
6.) He is rutheless to even his own followers. Hello, if you're going to try to take over the world, at least do it right. Instead of trying to intimidate every person you meet, why not try sucking up to make allies?
7.) He, like every other insane genocidal world leader will, eventually, fall and fall hard.
Sorry about that, it's just someone that was brought to or attention that definately deserves to wear the "Jackass of the Week" Crown. I'm sure most of you agree. Don't worry, next week we'll come up with a good one...
Week 4: 3-18-99 (Sorry a day late!)
JAY LENO
Well, well, well. Under careful consideration, and lack of any other ideas (send us ideas for Jackass Of The Week!), Mr. Jay Leno has been crowned this week's Jackass Of The Week! Why Jay you ask? What's this incredibly big chinned man every done? Well...
1.) First and foremost, this picture! "Uh...hey guys, that was a nice one! Linda stinks though..."
2.) It is absolutely impossible for Jay Leno to do a monolouge without bringing up Monica Lewinsky (former Jackass), or O.J. Simpson (hmmm....).
3.) He always has that same crazy lady on his show with those wierd animals that always go berzerk at the first sign of Jay. They like crawl all over his face and pee on his desk. What's wrong with this picture? Does this guy have a steak in his pocket?
4.) Jay's ENORMOUS chin. I wonder how many eyes he's poked out with that thing. (Oh come on, you all knew that one was coming!)
5.) On really slow news weeks, he starts making fun at celibrities for no reason, then ends up with them on his show about a month later.
6.) His band is much better than us. MUCH better than us. No wait, I guess that makes us the Jackasses...
7.) Like every mucical guest he has on his show, he claims they are the greatest band and he just went out and bought their CD yesterday. Then after they play, he always goes up to them and says the stupidest stuff like "Nice work gentlemen.".
Week 3: 3-10-99
JOSEPH REA / JEFF DANIELS
Man, this week it's a toss up! Both these guys are this week's "Jackass of the Week", for their own seperate reasons, but I assure you, they are both Jackasses. Give it up, the Kings are crowned again!...Anyway, first Joseph...
1.) He is the youngest and "lonliest" member of Fuhgetaboutit, so he gets roughed up just a little.
2.) He lets these Fuhgetaboutit jerks rough him up all the time. Can you believe that?!
3.) Joseph laughs at everything. When he is pissed off, he laughs! Hungry, laughs! Girlfriend breaks up with him, laughs! Sits on his chocolate cake at lunch, laughs! (Sure it's chocolate cake!) Sometimes Joseph gets bored, so he laughs! I'm sure if he was reading this right now he would be laughing!! "Huh huh huh...this isn't funny...huh huh huh"
4.) He has a $5,000 saxophone. I have a $150 guitar. His sax is worth more than every other piece of eguipment in our band combined! He said, and I quote, "I would rather lose a beautiful woman than this sax". See what I'm saying?!?!
5.) He is moving to a ranch 40 minutes outside of San Antonio, where he will start a band with common farm animals, and his $5,000 SAXOPHONE!!
6.) One day, he kissed a girl, and she cried because of it!
7.) He refuses to update his Band Bio page. Hey, I can always do it myself, and write what I want to put on there. Hmmm... Yes, it's all falling into place now...
on to Jeff...
1.) Jeff is without a doubt the stingiest person you will ever meet. Asking Jeff for money is like asking Satan for snow. YOU WILL NOT GET ANY MONEY FROM JEFF EVER!!! Now that that's settled...
2.) This one kinda goes with number one. He always expects rides everywhere, but never pays for gas. Cars don't run on hope, Jeff.
3.) He always tries to talk over everyone's head to make us feel inferior I guess. Oh well, I don't. I'm just glad I am not filled with buttloads of useless knowledge!
4.) He works at AMC.
5.) He made his mom so mad the other day, she told him to go stand with his nose in the corner!
6.) Jeff CAN NOT spell. Everytime he updates a page, I have to check it and translate it into English the best I can. "Joeseph im a cock an laffs to much." Well maybe that sentence is a little exaggerated, but I wouldn't be surprised.
7.) This shirt, this face, and this picture... It looks like he sees some food he wants to steal from us, like usual.
8.) Jeff, a 14 year old, lets just leave it at that. There you go Adam.
Week 2: 3-3-99
MONICA LEWINSKY
Now if you even have to ask why Monica Lewinsky is this weeks Jackass, you definately belong here yourself. Uhhhgg, this woman is so much of a royal Jackass, that it's frustrating! I have always thought this wench to be a rather large dumbass, but never enough to say anything. Anyway, her interview, recently, with Barbera Walters quickly prompted me to crown her the new reigning "Jackass of the Week". Oh well here we go... (This is really the stupidest picture I could find. I guess she does a pretty good job of concealing her slutty antics from cameras.)
1.)First of all, of everything this woman has done in her life, and is known for, she had "relations" with a backwoods, inbred, Arkansas, yokel like Bill Clinton.
2.)She thought Bill was leaving his wife for her! Hahaha! And then thought he really loved her!! Hahaha!
3.)She STILL loves him!!
4.)Bill told her when they broke up, that he had had affairs with millions of women (you heard right, I said MILLIONS), and she beleived him again.5.)She's a slut.
6.)After the President of the United States of America, the most powerful man in the world, told her to keep her mouth shut about the whole thing, what's the first thing she does? She calls all her nasty sell-out friends, who are probably worse than her, and brags about the whole situation for hours on end.
7.)She would only do an interview with Barbera Walters. Starting to catch the drift yet?
8.)I saved the best for last. She said, while crying, and I quote, "...I want people to know me and love me for who I am,
not as the girl who had an affair with Bill Clinton...". Figure the rest out for yourself. Goodnight...
Week 1: 2-24-99
PAUL KERNER
Need I even say why this fine specimen is the first "Jackass"? Reason's you say? Let's see...
1.)His haircut. Don't even ask me how the heck somebody can get their looking like this. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Kerner has just arrived from the yeay 1977...
2.)He is an usher at AMC movie theatres. Is there a lazier job on the face of the planet than hold a door open, and NOT say "Thank you come again" when you are supposed to? Oh yeah, also walking into an absolutely disgusting and filthy theatre room to clean it, take one look at at it and say "Ehh...It's clean". I must admit however, that on occasion, it is fun to play a game of "Harass the customers".
3.)He WANTS people to call him Porkchop. Can anybody out there tell me why somebody would want people to call them Porkchop?!?! Do you want to know the truth? Paul got that name when he was on the football team, and the other kids decided they would bring themselves happiness at the expense of Paul. For example: "Hey you little fat Porkchop... bring me my shoes.", and "Hey he looks like a fat piece 'o Porkchop." Nevermind I will leave it at that.
4.) He's fat. Again, enough said.
5.) He now has an inflated sense of self esteem. Paul actually stands up for himself now!!!! That isn't fun!!! Damn Betsy, and new car, and role in school musical, ( in which he stated his name as "Porkchop"; see #3), and freshmen think he's cool.....
6.)This Picture...
... Your wish is my command, Zero.
1.) First and foremost, this picture! "Uh...hey guys, that was a nice one! Linda stinks though..."
