The Boston Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles. She emerged two days later with no ears.

(Personally, I thought he was gonna turn into a lawyer at the end, but oh well...)

Dracula meets God

Dracula was killed one day & up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing.

"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins," said God. "I'll send you back to earth, BUT not in a human form. You can only be reincarnated into any other living thing of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a LIVING THING WITH WINGS THAT SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh..heh." "So be it," said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT.

So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish.

"I'll give you another chance," said God. "I'll send you back again. BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"

Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH WINGS THAT SUCKS BLOOD!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want," and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO.

So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until one day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, Dracula.....feeling stupid.

"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING THING of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.

Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS THAT SUCKS BLOOD!! heh...heh...heh." "No problem," said God as He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS THAT SUCKS BLOOD.

And so... Dracula became a MAXI PAD.

A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be a little over protective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.

One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates. The doorbell rang, and the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A gentleman said:

Hi,I'm Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're goin' to the show.
Is she ready to go?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, and the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A gentleman said:

Hi, I'm Eddie.
I'm here for Betty.
We're gettin' spaghetti.
Is she ready?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, and the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A gentleman said:

Hi, I'm Chuck.

And the farmer shot him.

Randy the Rooster

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a peptalk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of ckickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money, and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot.
~WHAM~
He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake.
~WHAM~
He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the pigpen, he's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer...."

One morning at school, the teacher informed the class that they were going to play a tasting game. She said that they would stand in line and she would blindfold the first student and give her something to eat and she had to guess what it was.

She gave the first student a slice of apple and said, "What do you taste?" "An apple," the student said. "Very good," said the teacher.

She gave the second student a slice of pear and said, "What do you taste?" "I'm not sure," said the student. So the teacher gave him another slice. "Now do you know?" asked the teacher. "I think it's a pear," the student said. "Very good," said the teacher.

The third student came up, was blindfolded and given a Hershey's kiss. "What do you taste?" asked the teacher. Now this student knew that if he said he didn't know, she'd get more of the same, so she said, "I'm not sure." Sure enough, she got another piece. "I'm still not sure," she said after eating the second piece. The teacher gave her a third Hershey's Kiss and said, "Here's a little clue. It's something your mommy gives your daddy before bed."

"From the back of the line Little Johnny shouted, "SPIT IT OUT! IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!"

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the aisle that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year!" His wife says: "This bull mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one also!"

They proceed to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year!" The wife's mouth drops open and she says: "WOW! He mated 365 times last year! That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could REALLY learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says: "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with urine and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

And if you dont stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.