Redhead Jokes


A young man marrying a redhead asked his father for some marital advice. The father said, "Just remind her who wears the pants in your family." The evening arrived, the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did and said "I don't fit into these." "That's right!" he said, "and don't you forget who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He looked at them and said, "I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right - and you won't until your attitude changes!"


Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde. First sailor asks his friend, "Have you ever slept with a blonde?" Second sailor replies that he has. They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette. First sailor,"Have you ever slept with a brunette?" Second sailor,"Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions" They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the other two girls for dead. First sailor,"Have you ever slept with a redhead then?" His companion looks at him and replies,"Not a wink!"

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old redhead. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love. The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

One day about a month ago, President Reagan was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge-- a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She replied, "$200." To the brunette he made a similar proposition. Her reply was "$200." He made the same offer to the redhead. Her reply was: "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, keep it as high as the gas prices, keep me warmer than my apartment, and screw me the way you do the public, believe me, Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a damn cent..."

A redhead accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied

What do you get when you mix a redhead, a battery and potato chips? A redhead who's Eveready and Frito-Lay

What's the Redhead Dating Motto? The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

What do redheads and McDonald's have in common? You've never had it so good and so fast.

How do you know when you've finally satisfied a redhead? She unties you.

How do you get a redhead to argue with you? Say something!!!

Two men were talking. One said: I'd love to be casseroled by a redhead. "What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a cooking term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time." The first man shrugged. "Exactly." he replied.

How do you get a redhead's mood to change? Wait 10 seconds.

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Doughboy? ANGRY redhead with a yeast infection!

What's the true definition of a blonde? Redhead with the fire of passion missing.

A man & a redhead are standing at a cocktail party when the woman says to the man, "You look just like my third husband." "Oh, really?" says the man. "How many times have you been married?" The woman answers, "Twice."

What do you call a Redhead with an attitude? Normal

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A redhead!

What is the difference between a redhead and a computer? A redhead won't accept a three and a half inch floppy

How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you? She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.

How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer? There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.

What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed? A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied- a redhead let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

Brunette after sex:"Oh that was great! Love you-wanna marry?" Blonde after sex: "Next!" Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid.

If you love a Redhead, set her free...if she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

What's safer:A redhead or a piranha? The piranha.

How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend? She has scratched "STAY OFF MY TURF" on his back with her nails.

What does a redhead, an anniversary,and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

A redhead went out with a guy who said, "I'm going to make love to you like you've never been made love to before."

A half hour later the redhead plucked a feather from the pillow and stroked the man's head. He said, "What the heck are you doing?"

The redhead said, "Comparatively speaking, I'm beating up your brains."

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his redheaded wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his redhead with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman, and your brother."

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club."
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.
The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek. Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the redhead  in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.

A husband is at home watching a cricket game when his wife interrupts,

"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Hardware House written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.  "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either make love to him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?

A redhead's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.

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