Kull the Conqueror

Kull the Conqueror: by The Buzzroom

Rating: 3 Stars

CAST
Kevin Sorbo - Kull
Tia Carrere - Akivasha
Thomas Ian Griffith - Taligaro
Litefoot - Ascalante
Karina Lombard - Zareta
Harvey Fierstein - Juba

Directed By John Nicolella

Midway through the slickly done myth-mash Kull the Conqueror (out of four), cut-rate beefcake hero Kevin Sorbo is drenched with camel urine. Still damp, he sneaks around a couple of guards before attacking them. One guy sniffs and says, "Something stinks." At which point, Kull pops up and admits, "It's me." That's a brave statement even for an ax-wielding barbarian, considering that movie critics salivate for such self-condemning moments. Not that Sorbo, also TV's Hercules, is horrible. But with his David Lee Roth fancy pants and shampoo-ad locks, his general vapidness typifies this whole uninspired enterprise. Instead of a face-off with croaky-voiced mensch Harvey Fierstein (who needs to call his agent NOW), why not have Kull slay a few really fantastical beasts? And that royal eunuch role cries out for the late Divine instead of a Humpty Dumpty knockoff. Sidekicks like a pacifist priest, who hasn't a prayer in a battle, and a comely fortuneteller, whose right-on predictions Kull always ignores anyway, just don't cut it. And when Kull and crew enter the frigid Isle of Ice, where's the product placement for Sorbo Sorbet? And who thought it was a good idea to blare that skull-piercing heavy-metal soundtrack music? Most bothersome, however, is that Kull carries on in his clunky quest for the Breath of Valka without bathing or changing clothes. Foes should be falling over from the stench.

This cleaned-up version of Kull, the brawny spawn of '30s pulp writer and Conan the Barbarian creator Robert E. Howard, isn't appreciably different than Sorbo's Herc. Except Herc has a keener sense of humor. The best quip the dull Kull can summon is when someone informs him his nubile bride (Tia Carrere in a ratty Ann-Margret wig - if she could act, this would be overacting) is really a 3,000-year-old witch. The stunned groom sputters, "She said she was 19." Ha, ha. Kull is a PG-13 lover and fighter, meaning the sex is a snore and there's no gore. So what's the draw of such a low-grade warrior epic? Think of it as a corporate-male dream. Deskbound drones get a lesson in fast-track promotions when an outcast like Kull becomes king of Valusia in a blink. Of course, he had to kill the previous ruler to get the job. But at least he recommended Kull for the position with his last gasp. This review was done by Susan Wioszczyna of USA TODAY. All rights are reserved. Sorry we couldn't do it this week! Expect us to be back on track next week!

Official Kull the Conqueror Website: http://www.kulltheconqueror.com

Send your movie reviews to the following address:

Please View My Guestbook

After reading my guestbook, don't you feel a bit left out? C'mon, sign my guestbook, and give me some feedback concerning my homepage!

Sign My Guestbook

Sign my guestbook and receive a treat from me every Monday by e-mail!

Copyright @ 2001 Robokev Inc. All Rights Reserved.