Title: A Watcher's Diary: Life Altering Decisions
Author: Godeater.
E-mail: godeater@sprint.ca
Summary: Giles talks to Xander about what's bothering him.
Rating: PG
Feedback: You bet'cha! Send it with no regrets!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I barely own the computer I wrote it
on.
Notes: Plan to make it a series starring Giles. All the stories take
place after Lover's Walk. Expect more wacky adventures with everyone's
favorite librarian and Watcher. ?

Friday, December 18, 1998

Well it has finally happened. I've known it was only a matter of time,
but it still came as a slight shock when it did. One can never be
totally prepared for something like this, even when all the signs are in
front you. With the turmoil that has gripped the relationships of the
youths under my charge, I should have seen what happened tonight coming.

We had all been working in the Library tonight, Buffy, Willow, Xander
and I. I noticed the tension in the room immediately between Willow and
Xander, and commented on it privately to Buffy. She tells me of what's
been going on between the two of them for the past few weeks and how
they were caught by Cordelia and Oz earlier this week. Everything
started to fall into place after this. Why no one was mentioning
Cordelia's injury and why Oz had been scarce the past few days.

I wasn't surprised by the news that Willow and Xander had had an
affair. Willow's reasons were obvious to even me. Her attraction to her
best friend has been evident to everyone except Xander. The fact that
Xander had finally opened his eyes to that came as no surprise either.
Willow had become remarkably more self-confident since she had started
dating Oz, and with it came a sensuality that Willow had managed to hide
from almost everyone. Not me, I saw it the first time I talked to the
girl, but I don't have the title of Watcher for nothing. She always had
it within her to attract Xander, or anyone from either sex if she had so
desired. Why she hadn't brought it to the surface before now is a small
mystery I hope to solve one day, if the opportunity ever presents
itself. But this entry isn't about Willow's hidden sexual charisma,
it's about what happened tonight.

We had been having, what Willow liked to call, a 'research party',
though the atmosphere was less then festive. Buffy had wanted to know
about vampire she had almost fought in the sewers the night of
my…regression into my youth. She had mentioned she had seen him when
Faith and she had fought and defeated Kakistos. Faith had confirmed her
account and mentioned that she had seen the vampire in question
associating with Kakistos before her own Watcher had been killed. Since
Kakistos was dead and this vampire was still in Sunnydale causing
mischief, Buffy decided that she wanted all the information or, as she
put it, the '411' on him. It was tough going, since we only had a vague
physical description of him. It was almost midnight when I told them
they should go home. I offered to drive them after I had tieded up the
library a bit, but Buffy mentioned wanting to meet up with Faith, who
had been patrolling tonight, and keep her company during her last sweep
of the streets. Since the incident with Angel was still hanging between
them, I saw no problem.

Since Buffy would be walking by her house anyway, Willow decided to go
with Buffy. I saw a slight look of disappointment in Xander's eyes when
he heard this. My guess is that he had wished to speak to Willow alone
about their mutual problems. Seeing an opportunity to help, I asked
Xander if he could stay behind to help me put some books away. He
looked at me strangely for a moment, then gave me a "Sure G-man!" with a
smile. Though I loathed his little nickname for me, I chose not to make
an issue about it.

As Willow got her coat and Xander started returning books to the cage,
Buffy took me aside. We entered my office and Buffy closed the door
behind us. "Talk to him," she told me simply. I raised an eyebrow at
her and asked her what she would like me to talk to Xander about, though
I already knew of course. "Talk to him about what's going on between
him and Willow. And Cordy!" Though I had already decided to do that
very thing, I played along with the blissfully unaware Watcher idea she
had about me.

"Buffy," I told her. "I really don't think this is any of my
business."

"Oh come on Giles!" my Slayer said, her eyes hardening with annoyance.
"You saw them out there! It's like they were complete strangers.
'Could you please pass me that book Willow?' 'There you go Xander.'
"she said in a parody of both their voices. "It's driving me nuts!
Willow's willing to talk to me about it, but Xander doesn't have
anyone. He won't talk to me 'cause he thinks I'll get all judgmental on
him. He obviously can't talk to Willow or Cordelia about it. So that
leave you!"

"What makes you think Xander would open up to me?" I asked her, taking
off my glasses and rubbing my eyes with false fatigue. "He's closer to
you then he is to me. If he's unwilling to speak to you about what's
troubling him, I doubt he would be willing to discuss it with me"

Buffy rolled her eyes at me. "Because you're a guy!" she said in a
tone that implied that the answer was obvious to anyone. "True you're
an old-ish guy, but you're still a guy. Maybe he'll be more open to
talking about it with someone from his own gender." Seeing my look of
disbelief, she changed her tactics from aggressive to pleading. "Please
Giles? I'm grasping at straws here! We have to do something before
things get even more wacky then they already are!" To add force to her
begging, she put on that little girl pout I love so much.

"Very well," I sighed as I put my glasses back on. "I will broach the
subject with Xander. But I want it understood that I do it under
duress."

"I don't care what dress you do it under, as long as you do it!" Before
I could say anything in response, she gave me a light kiss on the cheek
and bounced out of my office. "Thanks Giles!" she said as she grabbed
Willow and left the Library, leaving Xander and I alone.

"What was that about?" the dark-haired boy asked as he came out of
book-cage. He had a slightly worried look in his eyes, behind which
lurked something that looked like pain.

"That?" I replied as I walked to the table and picked up a pile of
books, " Nothing. Buffy just wanted some advice about something."

"Probably about Angel," he muttered somewhat angrily as he took another
stack of books off the table and turned toward the cage again. We
worked at putting the books away for almost half an hour. Neither of us
spoke much during that time. I had decided to speak to Xander about his
situation right before we left.

As I put the last of the books into the security cage, I heard Xander
putting his coat on behind me. I locked the cage and turned to face the
young man who stood nervously only a few feet away from me. "Before I
take you home Xander, I uh, wish to speak to you about something."

Xander stared at me suspiciously. "Yeah? About what?"

Knowing this was not going to be easy, I asked him to have a seat.
"Well I'm sure you already know what I'm going to ask you," I told him
once we had both taken a seat. " Yet I will say it none the less. Are
you alright?"

:"Is this what you and Buffy were talking about before?" He rose from
his chair and gave me an angry look. "To make sure poor little Xander
is ok?"

"Well yes, Buffy did ask me to speak with you. However, I was going to
do it anywise. I've been worried about you Xander." I told him gently.

"Worried about me?" he practically shouted in my face. "Why aren’t you
worried about Cordelia? She's the one in the hospital! Or our dear
Willow? She's the one who's lost her sweet Oz! What about Buffy? She
must be all torn up inside because her darling Angel is back and she
can't touch him! So tell me why oh wise Watcher, are you worried about
me?" Xander's face was flushed with anger, his breathing heavy after
his little tirade.

"I'm worried about you, Xander for one simple reason," I said as I got
up from my seat and walked over to him. "I like you Xander. I like you
because of your willingness to put yourself in danger for those you care
about. I like you because, even though you fall, you still manage to get
back up. You have a lust for life that is rare nowadays. You care for
so many people, even though they hurt you. You are a kind, sweet boy,
who has fallen into a world that few know exist, and few less would stay
in if they could get out. Yet you stay, putting your life at risk
because you know it is the right thing to do." As I said these words to
him, Xander calmed down and looked at me with tears in his eyes. "You
know what happened with Willow was a mistake. You should have told
Cordelia about your feelings. Yes you hurt her, but you are not
responsible for her injury any more then I am. It was an accident."

"I-I care for her so much…" he said and began to sob. I took him in my
arms and put his head on my shoulder. Letting him just cry his pain on
to me. After a few minutes his sobs subsided, but he kept his head
against me. "Do you…do you think that she'll ever forgive me?" he all
but whispered into my ear.

I took a step back from him and looked into his face. He looked at
with red eyes and wet cheeks. " I can't say Xander." I told him
tenderly. "Perhaps she will. Perhaps she will not. Either way, life
will continue for you. You must be strong."

Blinking away the last of his tears, he looked me straight in the eyes
and I saw storybook of pain in him. "I don't know if I can," he said,
voice trembling with a multitude of emotions.

As I gazed at him, I could help what I did next. I reached up and
brushed a stray tear from his face, letting my finger linger on his
cheek and caress his strong jaw-line. I felt his body tense at my touch
and then relax. He leaned in closer toward me and touched my arm,
sending what seemed an electrical current into me. Pulling him in until
there was no more then a hair's breath in between us, I brought my head
down and kissed him gently on the lips. Xander tensed again, but did
not draw away from my kiss. Instead, he brought his arms around me and
crushed me against him. I felt his erection against my thigh, it's heat
seeping though my pant leg and causing my own passion to rise.

I pulled away first, unaccustomed to the feelings I had long buried
rising to the surface. Xander looked at me, hurt in his eyes for
pulling away from him. "I'm sorry," he muttered and started to back
away from me.

I couldn't bare the thought of hurting this boy. "Don't be sorry," I
told him as I caught his arm and pulled him closer to me. "It's just
that I haven't done this type of thing in a very long time."

Xander smiled at me. "It's kind of a first for me too," he said as he
stepped back closer to me. "Doesn't mean we have to stop, does it?"

As I looked down at his eager face, I wanted nothing more then to kiss
him again. Nevertheless, I stopped myself, considering the
repercussions. If we continued, things would definitely change between
us. Mostly though I thought about what would happen to Xander. He was
still a boy. If we stopped he could chalk it up to the moment and
forget about it. This was a potentially life altering decision for him,
and while I was attracted to him, I had to give more thought about
whether I would want to be responsible for it. "Xander I think perhaps
we should stop," I said finally.

"Why?" he asked somewhat annoyed.

"Because if we continue, you will have to make a very important
decision about yourself." My tone was stern. "I would rather not be
responsible for changing your life. That is a decision only you can
make."

Xander stared at me for a moment. This time I did not see hurt or pain
behind those eyes. I saw anger. Anger at being rejected yet again. At
letting his guard down and then being slapped in the face. "Fine!" he
shouted at me and then turned and ran out of the Library. I ran after
him but he was too fast for me. After looking around the school for
awhile, I gave up and went to my car. I searched the streets for him as
I drove home, but failed to find him.

As I sit here and read over what I have written about the event that
happened tonight, I can't help feel that I threw away something that I
may not have another opportunity to possess again. And while it saddens
me, I know I did the right thing. I hope Xander thinks about what
happened between us tonight. If he comes to the decision to forget it
ever happened, I will respect it and never mention it again. If however
he decides…differently, then it will be my turn to come to a decision.
I am not sure which choice I hope Xander chooses.

Time will tell.