Title: Breaking Through (1/1)
Author: Michelle Hansen
Email: mhluvxfile@thegrid.net
Feedback: Please, please, please send me feedback.
Distribution: UCSL. Otherwise, please ask.
Summary: Giles and Xander spend an evening in the library.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me (unfortunately). They
are the creations of Joss Whedon and are owned by Warner Brothers and
Mutant Enemy.
Content: G/X, M/M kiss and mentions of abuse
Notes: This is for Woodinat (in case you hadn't guessed) who first
introduced me to this fascinating pairing and who is also just one of
the coolest people I've ever talked to. I hope this is what you were
hoping for! It's also for my goddess Niccy, who helped me by reading it
and offering suggestions. And randomly for Kate Bolin, just 'cause I
miss her. This is my first attempt at Giles/Xander, so I hope I did an
okay job.


Xander Harris was very, very confused. His girlfriend had dumped him,
his best friend was now avoiding him like the plague, and the two
Slayers seemed more interested in each other than they ever had in him.
So it was a Friday night and he was alone. Well, not really “alone” he
corrected himself, but he wasn’t really WITH anyone. He wasn’t on a
date. This wasn’t the confusing part. He was used to being uncoupled.
He had been most of his life. The confusing thing was that, while he
should have been miserable about being at the library sorting books with
Giles, he wasn’t. He was actually strangely happy.

“Xander,” the Watcher called down from the stacks, interrupting the
boy’s thoughts. “Could you bring me the box marked 10-A please?”

“Sure G-man,” Xander called back, locating the box quickly and carrying
it up the stairs.

“I-I’ve asked you not to call me that,” Giles said as Xander came up to
him with the box of books.

“Right Giles,” Xander answered, setting the box on the ground. He knelt
to begin helping the librarian shelve the new arrivals.

The two worked in comfortable silence, with Xander placing the books on
the shelves and Giles writing down information he didn’t really need
since it had already been entered into the computer and was even then
being printed out. He knew Xander wouldn’t question him taking the
notes though, being used to his quirks, and he needed to take them in
order to keep his mind away from the thoughts he’d been having of the
boy lately.

Pausing in his writing, Giles took a moment to stare at Xander. He’d
found himself doing so more and more often lately and it was beginning
to disturb him. He wasn’t worried about being attracted to a man; he
had been with a number of men in his youth. He was, however, worried
about whether he would be able to control himself around Xander. The
boy, and he really was still a boy, having just turned eighteen a week
before, made him happier than he’d been since before Jenny’s death. And
it scared Giles. He wasn’t supposed to be feeling this way about a
student; it was entirely improper. But every time Xander was in the
room, Giles found his attention being drawn to the teenager.

As Giles watched him, Xander shifted slightly to place a book on the
shelf in front of him and Giles saw the bruise peeking out over the neck
of the boy’s sweatshirt. He sighed softly, wishing he could comfort
Xander. He’d suspected for some time now that Xander spent his evenings
helping him research more to get away from his home life than for any
other reason. But there were a large number of reasons why giving
Xander the kind of attention he deserved would be out of the question,
not the least of which was that Xander would be entirely against it.

Xander heard the sigh and turned around curiously just in time to see
Giles look quickly away. When the librarian returned to his task of
writing down information that Xander knew he didn’t need, the boy
shrugged his shoulders and continued shelving the books. He wondered
idly why Giles spent every night in the library. At least he was trying
to get away from something, Xander thought. But Giles didn’t have a
father at home who liked to hit him. He should have been out on a date
with some beautiful, single teacher or something instead of being stuck
in the library with a bunch of old books.

Of course, Xander didn’t really want Giles to be gone; he just wanted
him to be happy. And he could tell that the librarian wasn’t really
happy. The Watcher always seemed so lonely whenever Xander saw him. As
he continued to place books on the shelf in front of him, he hoped that
keeping Giles company helped the older man half as much as it helped
him.

The two continued working, each at his own task, in the system they had
adopted in the preceding weeks. They had both been staying at the
library after everyone left, Xander lingering longer and longer after
his friends had left each day. They worked well together, both
preferring to work quietly, talking only occasionally. Giles had found
that Xander was a much different person when his friends weren’t
around. In front of Willow and Buffy the boy was outgoing and witty,
using his sense of humor as something of a shield, Giles supposed. But
when the other teenagers were gone, he was quiet and reserved, pulling
back into himself.

When the books had all been shelved and accounted for and the paperwork
all been filled out and placed neatly on Giles’ desk, the two stood near
the double doors of the library, an uncustomary awkward silence growing
between them. This part was beginning to be harder for Giles, the part
of the night where he had to let Xander leave to go back to people who
hurt him.

“Well, umm,” Xander finally said, glancing at his watch. “It’s still
early, so I guess I’ll go over to the Bronze or something. Maybe Buffy
and Willow are still there.” He lacked the enthusiasm he had once had
about spending an evening with his friends.

“Umm, before you go, Xander,” Giles stopped him as the boy began walking
out the doors, “could I speak with you for a moment please?”

“Sure thing G-man,” the boy said lightly, turning back towards the
librarian. When he saw the expression on the older man’s face, however,
he sobered immediately. “What about?” he asked slowly, regarding Giles
curiously.

“Well, ahh,” Giles began, not really sure what to say now that he had
Xander’s attention. Removing his glasses, he cleaned them slowly with
his handkerchief, noticing how Xander shifted uncomfortably as he waited
for him to speak. Putting the glasses back on, he turned his attention
back to the teenager. “Xander, I- I saw the bruise on your shoulder,”
he finally said softly, saddening when he saw the boy’s chocolate brown
eyes widen slightly. “Is that why you never want to go home at night?”
His suspicions were confirmed when Xander lowered his gaze, avoiding eye
contact with the librarian.

Xander tapped his foot nervously on the floor of the library, keeping
his gaze glued to the top of his shoe. He wanted to tell Giles
everything, to let the librarian, who was turning out to be the one
friend he could really count on, listen to the story of his family life
and give him the sympathy he needed. But at the same time he couldn’t
say the words. He knew that Giles would want to help him, but he also
knew that there was nothing the Watcher could really do. And he knew
that Giles would just wind up feeling guilty, wishing he could do
something to help. So he remained silent and wished for a way out of
the conversation.

Realizing that the boy wasn’t going to answer him any time soon, Giles
approached him slowly, gently laying a hand on his shoulder. “Xander,”
he began softly, nudging the boy’s chin up with his other hand. When he
once again had eye contact with the teenager, he continued, drawing his
hand reluctantly away from Xander’s face. “You don’t have to stay
there. Legally you are an adult and are no longer required to live with
your parents. Especially if they hit you,” he added. “You could leave
and bring assault charges against whoever is doing this to you.”

“I don’t have anywhere else to go,” Xander said flatly, a sad little
smile on his face. “I wish I could leave. And I wish I could make my
dad stop hitting me. But I can’t. And you can’t. So there’s not much
use worrying about it. It’s just a few more months anyway,” he
concluded lightly, hoping to end the discussion. He was reading Giles’
expression carefully, noting the look of sadness that crossed the
librarian’s face and wishing he hadn’t been the one to cause it. When
the disapproving expression Xander expected to see didn’t appear on
Giles’ face, though, the teenager almost sighed in relief. The last
thing he wanted to do was to somehow disappoint the Watcher.

“Well, if you ever need a place to stay, I’m sure that Willow or Buffy
would be happy to help. Or you could always stay with me,” he added,
hoping that it sounded like a natural, logical option. He had to be
careful, he reminded himself. He couldn’t let Xander know how he felt
about him. Not only would it confuse the boy, but it also could very
well cost him his job, which could have devastating consequences for his
Slayer and the rest of the town of Sunnydale.

“Oh, it’s not that bad really,” Xander said quickly although a part of
him wanted desperately to take him up on his offer. It would be nice to
get away from all the screaming and hitting. But he couldn’t lay the
burden of his problems on anyone else, especially not Giles, no matter
how much the Watcher insisted he wanted to help. “Well,” he amended
after seeing the expression on Giles’ face that told him Giles knew he
was lying, “it’s bad. But I’ve managed this long. I think I can
survive a few more months.”

Giles drew a deep breath, nodding at Xander. “All right then,” he said,
patting his shoulder softly and then drawing his hand away. “I just
wanted to let you know that if you ever need anything I’m here to help.
Here,” he said, pulling out a piece of paper and quickly writing down
his phone number. Handing Xander the slip of paper, he continued, “You
can call me any time. And you know where I live. If you ever need a
place to stay or just want to talk, you’re always welcome.”

Staring at the small slip of paper in his hand, Xander stood stunned for
a moment. Nobody had ever really gone to so much effort to help him
before. It felt good to know that someone cared enough to try. Lifting
his gaze from the numbers written in Giles’ neat handwriting, Xander
turned his attention back to the librarian, a small smile lighting his
face. “Thank you,” he said in wonder. “I’ll remember that.”

“You’re welcome, Xander,” Giles responded, his heart warming at the
sight of the teenager smiling. Moving closer, he hesitantly brushed the
backs of his fingers lightly across Xander’s cheek, telling himself that
he was only doing so because Xander deserved to have someone treat him
tenderly for once in his life.

He expected Xander to pull away from his touch, but the teenager didn’t
even flinch. He simply stared back at Giles with wide eyes, his
confusion showing in his expression. And then he tentatively reached
out his own hand and brushed the tips of his fingers against the
librarian’s cheek. And as Giles moved closer, leaning in to place a
gentle kiss on his forehead, he stood still, accepting the gesture.
When the librarian pulled back slightly, Xander’s gaze once again locked
with his.

Xander could feel his heart hammering in his chest as he looked into
Giles’ eyes. He was feeling something he couldn’t quite define, a
strange mixture of confusion, fear, trust, and attraction, and it
frightened him. His body wasn’t supposed to be responding the way it
was to Giles’ touch. His heart shouldn’t be beating just a bit faster
than normal. His breathing shouldn’t be just a bit more ragged than
normal. And the urge to kiss Giles, to feel the librarian’s mouth on his
own, shouldn’t be there at all.

“Xander,” Giles breathed, deliberately attempting to break the strange
sort of spell that seemed to have fallen over the two of them. He had
to stop this before one of them did something reckless.

“Shh,” Xander quieted him. He was still frightened and confused, but he
suddenly understood Giles in a way he’d never understood anyone. The
librarian was afraid of doing anything improper, wanting to stop this
whole thing before it was too late. But Xander realized that it was
already too late to stop it now. And, more importantly, he didn’t want
to stop. For better or worse, whether it was the right thing to do or
not, Xander wanted to see what this feeling he was having really meant.

Moving closer to the older man, Xander drew in a breath and then,
placing his trust in Giles, he leaned in and pressed his lips to the
Watcher’s, almost chuckling when he saw the other man’s eyes widen in
surprise. He had never expected Xander to actually return the feelings
he felt for him, but now here he was in a kiss that the boy had
initiated himself

Xander allowed his eyes to slip closed as he sank into the kiss. It was
tender and hesitant, neither of the men being ready for anything more
passionate, but it felt right, as if somewhere something clicked into
place and now the two would have the lives they were supposed to lead.
He was surprised with himself, never having imagined that he could feel
this way about a man. He wasn’t in love with Giles, of course, he told
himself, but the kiss had confirmed that he was feeling more than
friendship and that perhaps it wouldn’t be so terrible to try to pursue
it.

When they pulled apart, they regarded each other nervously, neither
knowing exactly what to say. “Well, ahh,” Giles began finally, “I
suppose we should probably be going.”

“Yeah,” Xander agreed, retrieving his backpack from a nearby table.

The two made their way to Giles’ car in silence and then passed the
drive to Xander’s house quietly as well. Stepping out of the old car,
Xander turned back to Giles before closing the door. “Giles, umm,” he
began and Giles hoped silently that the boy wasn’t going to ask how the
librarian knew the way to his house. He paused for a moment and then
sighed softly. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he finally finished, obviously
not saying whatever he had meant to say.

“Yes, of course,” Giles agreed quickly with a small smile. “Tomorrow.”

Xander then shut the door and turned to make his way up to his house.
Giles watched until Xander was inside and then sighed and drove away.
The next day couldn’t possibly come fast enough.