TITLE: I'm Not As Think As You Drunk I Am 1/2
AUTHOR: Small Woodinat Creature
RATING: PG-13 for now, but later NC-17.
SUMMARY: Buffy, Willow, and Xander get drunk.
SPOILERS: Not for now.
ARCHIVING: Anywhere and everywhere.
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All things Buffy belong to Joss and Co. I'm
not making any money off of this. No copyright infringements intended.
Please don't sue me, I suck anyways.
NOTE: This fic takes place in a universe in which Cordy and Xander
stayed broken up after BBB, and that evil nonsense of Homecoming
never happened.
SECOND NOTE: The show Due South, which has an interesting
role in this story, is a Canadian show about a Mountie who solves
crimes (and sniffs and licks things a lot, don't ask), his partner, Ray,
and his wolf Diefenbaker. It is the *slashiest* show on TV. I saw
slash in it long before I was online even. It's on TNT channel, at
11 am Eastern time on Saturdays. Watch it.
THIRD NOTE: Remember the get-the-Scooby-Gang-drunk
challenge a while back? This is it.
FEEDBACK: I'm a big feedback ho, and not a bit ashamed of it. Give
me feedback or the bunny gets it.


Xander plopped down on Willow's big bed, nearly spilling the large
quantities of booze.

"Hey, don't spill, we can't get more!" protested Buffy.

"Sorry guys. So, what kind of drinking game are we gonna do?"

"Due Slash," announced Willow.

"Huh?"

Willow pointed the remote at the VCR. "We watch eps of 'Due
South', drink at every slashy Ray/Fraser moment."

"So this show is slashy?" asked Xander.

"Ooh yeah," interjected Buffy. "It's like the male/male version of
Xena."

"Ooooo-kay. So why can't we watch for the slashy scenes in Xena?"
whined Xander.

Willow smirked. "Because *I* have the remote."

Buffy passed around the beers. "Ok, if Ray and Fraser make hot
eye contact, it's one drink, if they touch each other on the arm, it's
one drink."

Willow interrupted, "If they banter like an old married couple, two
drinks. If they get in a closet, two drinks. If they make a comment
about getting in or out of the closet, two drinks."

"If they hug, gulp. If they dance together, gulp. If they hold each
other's hands, gulp," added Buffy.

"And if they ever, ever kiss..." Willow grinned. "Chug 'till dawn."
She pressed PLAY on the remote.

"I still don't know why it can't be Xena. Why does it have to be
some guys?" he complained, opening his beer.

"Because A. If we did this with Xena/Gabrielle we'd die of alcohol
poisoning, and B. You're outvoted 2 to 1. Now hush, the show's
starting."

The first episode began. This one featured Fraser cross-dressing
to protect a Catholic school girl. Xander sighed. There was no
way in hell he was gonna avoid getting drunk tonight.

Xander shifted uncomfortably through the scenes. "The dog is
cute," he observed, trying to ignore Buffy and Willow's giggles
every time the two men had a homoerotic-laced scene. And
those guys had quite a few scenes like that.

Buffy stuck her tongue out at him. "Diefenbaker's a wolf, *not*
a dog."

Xander shrugged. "Whatever."

The episode continued. Xander sipped and gulped his way
through the show, amazed at how many times two people who
were "just friends" could touch each other and banter
romantically. By the time the two men danced (with Fraser in drag,
natch), he finished his beer.

"You know," Xander said, getting another beer, "Ray is right. Fraser
wasn't a bad-looking woman."

Buffy giggled. "Are you saying Fraser is attractive, Xander?"

"No, no, I'm just saying if he was a woman, he'd be pretty. Like
Xena."

Willow stuck her tongue out at him. "Again with the Xena."

"Hey, she's hot!"

Buffy rolled her eyes at Xander, and grabbed another tape.

Fraser and Ray were in a stripper's closet. Again.

"Man, these guys end up in closets a lot," observed Buffy.

"Real subtle metaphor there," giggled Willow.

Another scene involving a closet. Xander drank, and got up on
unsteady feet to go to the bathroom. While he was draining the
lizard, Buffy turned to Willow.

"Xander's getting really drunk, Will."

"Yeah. He's always had a low tolerance for alcohol." Willow
giggled. "Last time he got really faced, he stripped down to
his boxers and sang 'Copacabana'."

Buffy bopped the redhead with a pillow. "I thought you were over
Xander."

Willow grinned. "Oh, I am, I am. But watching him embarrass
himself is always fun. Two more eps, and we'll have a totally
uninhibited Xander. Blackmail material for *decades*."

"Willow, you are evil. Marry me?"

Willow mock leered at Buffy. "I'd have to ask Oz first."

Xander finally came out of the bathroom, and another tape
started to play. This particular episode had Fraser and Ray
abandoned in the wilderness, needing to rely on each other to
survive. At one point, Fraser lost his ability to walk, and Ray was
carrying his schmoopy over his shoulder, his face parallel to
Fraser's buttocks.

"Brings a new meaning to cheek-to-cheek," cracked Buffy.

Willow giggled again. "Fraser has a nice ass."

"Yup."

Willow and Buffy looked at the source of that yup, Xander.

"Um, Xander? What did you say?" asked Willow.

An increasingly drunk Xander blushed. "I didn't say anything."

"Really?" Buffy was not convinced.

"Not a word." Xander stared at his beer.

Buffy looked over at Willow, waggling her eyebrows. "Whatever."

The next episode featured the duo literally joined at the hip, due
to a mad bomber's evil plan. Ray figured out a way to foil the plan,
and Fraser's smile beamed brightly.

Buffy drank her beer. "Loving the smile."

Xander, having reached his saturation point for alcohol,
rolled onto his back. "Giles has a better smile."

"Oh?" asked Willow.

"Yeah, he has this kind of shy smile. It's really quick, but it's
too sweet. His eyes all light up, too. He doesn't do that often
though. When he does, it's like a sun rising. Little blue suns in
his eyes." He punctuated the declaration with a drunken belch.

Buffy's jaw dropped. She looked over at Willow. "Totally
uninhibited, eh?"

Willow's eyes were huge. "Yeah, I guess so. He's never been
like this before. Of course, it's been a long time since I got him
faced."

Buffy turned to Xander. "So, you think about Giles' smile a lot?"

The completely drunken teenager smiled dreamily. "Ooh, yeah.
Come on, neither of you think he's cute?"

"Never," Buffy snorted.

"Well..." started Willow. "But, hey, he's old. And a teacher!... Well,
a librarian, but still..."

"Yeah, but...tweed, Will! What else can you ask for?"

"Xander, you are officially shitfaced, you know that?"

"Am I, Will?"

"Completely." Willow took Xander's beer away. "I think it's time for
sleepybyes." She gave him a pillow and a blanket.

"Aw, Will, I wanna watch more TV."

"Xander, go to sleep."

Willow and Buffy curled up in the bed. Buffy glanced over at Xander,
who was almost asleep. "He has a crush on Giles?" she
whispered.

"I never thought he did. I mean, he's the one who always makes
jokes about him being too stuffy," Willow answered.

Buffy grinned. "I guess he really wants to stuff Giles."

Willow bopped her with the pillow. "That was awful."

"I try."

"And succeed." The redhead curled up and closed her eyes.

"Tweed."

Buffy and Willow sat up immediately, and checked on Xander,
who was lost in a truly bizarre dream.

"Tweed." Xander had a silly leer on his face.

Buffy giggled softly. "Someone has a fetish."

Willow covered the Slayer's mouth. "Come on, he can hear you."

"Willow, he's drunk."

"Yeah, but you don't know how much he'll remember. Let's get some
sleep now, 'cuz we'll be wishing for death tomorrow."

They slept, and the room was silent, save for the occasional "tweed"
uttered by Xander.

Xander's dream involved Giles, clad only in a tweed G-string,
rubbing against him. Just as the dream Giles was about to
discipline him again, he woke up.

He stood up shakily, and looked over at Buffy and Willow, who were
cuddling in their sleep. Those two really needed to get a room.
Then Xander realized that they *did* get a room, and he giggled
drunkenly.

He pulled on his shoes, and walked out of Willow's house,
heading for a tweedy destination.


Giles pulled on his robe, noting the time on the clock. He opened
the door to reveal Xander.

"Xander, it's 4:40 in the morning, damnit!"

Xander smiled at the Watcher. "That color matches your eyes."

Giles realized quickly from the goofy look on the teenager's face,
and the stench of beer, that he was drunk.

"Good Lord, Xander, walking around inebriated in a town like this,
at this hour, is virtual suicide!"

Xander answered by leering at Giles. He quirked a confused
eyebrow, and went into the kitchen, looking for coffee to sober
up the boy.

When he finished with the black coffee, he found Xander
lounging on his couch, his arms and legs splayed out in a
bizarre imitation of a sexy pose. He held out a cup to Xander,
who caressed Giles' fingers as he took the cup.

Giles sat opposite of Xander, sipping his tea. Xander was
clearly drunk, and it seemed as if the lad was also aroused.
It had been a long time since Giles had to deal with drunken
passes. About 20 years or so...

Xander sipped his coffee, laughing. "Hey, Fraser and Ray are
in a closet, it's two drinks!"

"Pardon?"

"You have to take two drinks, Giles."

Giles narrowed his eyes, and took two sips of his tea.

Xander sipped some more. "They're in the closet again, with
Dief. Two more drinks!"

"Um, Xander, who's Dief?"

"Dief's the dog. Well, no, he's the wolf. Totally faithful. You know,
Giles, I'd be *your* faithful wolf. Anytime. And I wouldn't care if
you sniffed or licked things, either. Actually, I'd like it if you did."

"That's good to know, Xander." Giles took two more drinks,
wondering why he was humoring the demented drunken
teenager.

Xander got a truly evil smile on his face, and downed the
rest of his cup. "Hey, Fraser and Ray just kissed! It's time
to chug!"

Giles sipped some more of his tea, and looked up to find
Xander rushing towards his chair. The cup of tea fell, and
Giles was thankful that he didn't use one of his better cups.

Xander draped his arms around Giles' neck, and inhaled
deeply. "Mmm, Giles, you smell like cloves. Do you eat
cloves?"

"It-it's the spice in the tea. Xander, what are you doing?"

Xander sat on Giles' lap, bouncing a little. He played with the
tufts of chest hair peeking over the buttons of the Englisman's
pyjamas. Giles tried to suppress a shiver of pleasure.

"So, Giles, do you taste like cloves?" Xander moved in
quickly, pressing his lips to the confused man's mouth, his
tongue snaking in. He rubbed his body against Giles,
grinding his crotch against him. In Xander's current state,
his organ was useless, but Giles' treacherous cock began to
respond.

Xander broke off the kiss, his eyes glazed over with the lust.
"Wow, you taste better than cloves." He kissed Giles again,
and Giles responded this time, gently sucking Xander's tongue.
Somewhere in the last remaining logical part of Xander's mind,
he wondered what he was doing here, trying to seduce a
librarian, but the lustful and drunken part of that mind quickly
shut that part down.

Giles ran his fingers through Xander's hair, wondering how the
hell he got to the point of making out with a manical drunk who
was muttering about Fraser and Ray and a wolf named Dief.
He needed to stop. He had to stop. He pulled back, preparing
to push Xander away, and saw his half open eyes, the long
lashes fluttering slightly. Xander was breathing heavily, his
lips moist and slightly puffy from the kisses. Giles groaned,
trying to find the will to talk.

"X-ander, we c-can't do this." Xander continued his assault
down Giles' neck, sucking at his Adam's apple. "Oh God..."
Xander ran his mouth over the exposed chest hair, his
fingers rubbing Giles' nipples through the cotton pyjama top.

"I want you, Giles. I want you in me."

"Oh, God, Xander. Don't stop. I mean, don't. Stop." He gently
pushed Xander away, and extracted himself from Xander and the
chair.

Tears welled up in Xander's eyes. "Why? Don't you want me?"

"Good Lord, Xander, of course I wan't you. But you're drunk.
And underage. And I'm Buffy's Watcher, and I'm sure that
there's nothing in the Watcher's Handbook about buggering
the Slayer's friends."

Xander swayed his hips. "I'm gonna be eighteen in two weeks.
It's not that long. If you count the nine months before I was born,
I'm already eighteen."

"And you'll be sober in the morning. And you will be regretting this."

"No I won't."

"Yes, you will. Now, I'm going to get you a pillow and a blanket,
and you can sleep on the couch." Giles jogged upstairs.

"Sheesh, everyone's giving me pillows and blankets."

Giles prepared the makeshift bed on the couch for Xander, and
left the room. He sat down on his bed, trying not to think about
Xander downstairs. Xander was so beautiful, so seductive.
So, innocent, so easy to take advantage of. And he could be so
infuriating and annoying. Satisfied that his thoughts of Xander
were no longer romantic, Giles fell asleep.

Xander fell asleep again. This time his dreams were absent of
Giles. He didn't need to dream of him. He was where he needed
to be.

THE END