TITLE: "You Slash Me With your Words". The title, btw, is a quote of Xander's from the Buffy ep "What's My Line?" part 2.
AUTHOR: Small Woodinat Creature
RATING: Definitely NC-17. If the idea of two hot men together offends you, you are in the wrong place.
SUMMARY: Giles and Xander are at the mercy of a mysterious force.
ARCHIVING: Anywhere and everywhere.
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All things Buffy belong to Joss and Co. I'm not making any money off of this. No copyright infringements intended. Please don't sue me, I'm already broke. NOTE: Big smoochies to my beta readers Viridian and Te, and Viridian for coming up with Giles' dialog with Buffy.
FEEDBACK: I'm a big feedback ho, and not a bit ashamed of it. Send flames and such to Woodinat@aol.com.

It was a dark and stormy night. Xander and Giles were researching in the library. Well, actually, it was a rather sunny day, but Giles and Xander *were* researching. As usual, the library was completely empty, save for the two men and the occasional plot point. It did not occur to either man to question the absence of the Scooby Gang. Xander was noticeably bored at shuffling through the stack of books on the desk.

"I can't believe I'm wasting my time here on a Saturday night," he complained.

"And what would you prefer to do?" asked the tired librarian.

"Rip off your clothes, use your tie for bondage, and fuck you silly."

"Pardon?"

Xander's face was bright red. "Um, I meant 'kiss Buffy'. Or Cordy. Or Willow. That was weird. Gave me a major wiggins."

Giles quirked an eyebrow at the flustered teenager, "I thought that's what you meant to say." He went back to his reading.

A few moments of excruciating silence passed. He looked at Xander again, "I must say that was a--a rather inappropriate thing to say. Most improper. You should be punished. Or spanked."

"What?" asked Xander.

Giles was equally flustered, "That wasn't what I intended to say. It's as if some unseen force is making us say these lascivious things."

"Maybe a spell? What's lascivious?"

"Perhaps. It's hard to determine. Really, Xander, that is such an exceedingly ugly shirt. You should remove it. And those ugly pants, too."

"Ah, so *that's* lascivious."

Giles regained his composure. "This is very disturbing. Perhaps you should move to the opposite corner of the room ."

Xander leered at the Watcher. "Do you really want me there?"

"I'd want * you* anywhere. Good Lord, I don't even speak like this!"

Xander leaned back in his chair, eyes full of lust and legs spread invitingly.

Giles grabbed his pile of books and walked to the corner of the room. Flipping open a book on vampires, he randomly came to a chapter about homoeroticism. With illustrations. His eyes darted to Xander, who was smouldering in the corner, sharp, pink tongue flicking his lips. He noticed that the young man had the *longest* lashes.

Giles quickly shut the book and picked up another. The plays of Oscar Wilde. Another. The poems of Federico Garcia Lorca. He sighed and decided to stop reading for the night. When he went to retrieve his jacket, a tube of lubricant and a full dozen condoms fell out.

"These weren't in my coat pocket! What's happening here?"

Xander sprinted over to Giles' side and started to pick up the fallen condoms.

"Xander no, go back to your corner. There's no telling what would happen if you remained here." He put out his hands to push Xander away, but one brush of his palms against Xander's firm chest and they were embracing and kissing madly. Giles thrust his tongue into the younger man's mouth, and began to peel him out of the (really quite) ugly shirt. Xander's hands busied themselves with the insurmountable layers of tweed.

As the new lovers kissed, stripping each other in record time, the three women sat in a heretofore undiscovered corner of the library. They were sharing a massive tub of popcorn.

"This is great!" exclaimed Willow.

"Yeah, dinner and a show, what else do ya need?" asked Buffy, in the most rhetorical sense.

"Thanks for letting us watch," added the not-so-innocent redhead.

"Anytime, babe," said the Small Woodinat Creature. She typed and Giles suddenly sprawled Xander across a table, wrapped the younger man's legs around his neck, and began to screw the hell out of him.

"So, are they gonna remember any of this?" asked Buffy.

"Yeah, it'll make for some fun awkward moments later," said the Small Woodinat Creature, typing quickly.

Giles finally noticed that he and Xander were not alone. "Buffy, shouldn't you be out slaying or something?"

"Yeah, but this is more fun."

The men moaned loudly, and collapsed together in a sweaty, sticky tangle of limbs.

"Hmm, simultaneous orgasm? A bit cliched, 'nat," critiqued Willow.

The Small Woodinat Creature scowled a bit irritably, "And the lube appearing from nowhere wasn't?"

The women looked back at the action. Giles was complaining about the ruined desk, and Xander was apologizing profusely.

"Oops, got distracted," said the Small and Not at All Remorseful Woodinat Creature.

"Splooge spillage," chortled Buffy.

"That was redwood oak!" complained Giles.

"I'm sorry!" Xander said as Woodinat typed furiously, "Love me?"

Giles looked at Xander's huge brown eyes, and replied, "Always, schmoopy," and kissed Xander again.

Small and Devious Woodinat Creature smiled with satisfaction and asked, "So, what do you want next?"

Willow gave an evil grin. "Can we have them defile Principal Snyder's office?"

"Yeah, and on the desk too!" Buffy piped in.

"I like the way you think. Remind me to slash you girls sometime," said the Small and Inventive Woodinat Creature.

"Oh, we've been boffing like bunnies since the first episode," said Willow.

"Kewl. Let's pack up and head to the principal's office," Woodinat grabbed her laptop.

Buffy peered at Xander and Giles. "Aren't they a bit tired, tho?"

Small Woodinat Creature snorted, "Come on, this is slash. I can have them doing this for days."

"Kewl!" shouted Willow.

THE END