Chapter 29

Tears streamed down Rachel’s face as she threw clothes and personals into her suitcase. She didn’t know what exactly she was doing, or where she was planning on going, but she knew that she couldn’t stay in Europe another minute. After she had grabbed everything, she picked up the phone and dialed Nina’s mailbox. She composed herself before leaving a message. “Hi Nina, its Rachel. Something came up at home…I’ll be staying at my dad’s. I’m not really sure how long I’ll be gone, hopefully by next week. If you need to reach me the number is 317-555-9521. I won’t arrive there before tomorrow morning. Anyways, I apologize for leaving on such short notice. It won’t happen again. Thanks for understanding”
Rachel was surprised at herself for coming up with a plan so quickly, but decided going to her father’s house in Cleveland would keep her as far away from Orlando, or anything to do with AJ for the next few days. She knew she couldn’t stay there forever, but she also knew she needed a break. She picked up the phone again and booked a seat on the next flight to Cleveland with no lay over. 12:00 midnight was take off time. She had just under an hour before she had to be at the airport, and quickly rushed around the room looking for things she may have missed.
There was a soft knock at the door as she threw a sweater over her tank top. “Go away” she said bitterly.
“Rach, honey it’s me”
Rachel recognized her sisters voice, and slowly opened the door.
“I saw you run out of the room back at the venue, and came up here to see how you were doing. What happened?” Although the stadium wasn’t far from the hotel, Lauren was surprised at how fast Rachel had made it back.
“Nothing. Nothing happened. AJ and I are through, that’s all. I screwed it up. He screwed it up. It’s just not meant to be. To think! I was going to tell him I LOVED HIM tonight. But we know how horny AJ is. He just couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, so now he’s screwing up Christina. And I don’t mean mentally” Rachel muttered under her breath.
“You don’t really mean that Rachel. I know you better”
“No I do mean it! God, I’m 21 with more problems than I know what to do with. This relationship with AJ is completely fucked over. And it hurts. Everytime I see him, I wish his arms were around me and smiling at me, so I could tell him how good he makes me feel inside. Why I am even saying this to you, is beyond me, but someone needs to hear it if he won’t” she said hysterically, throwing her hands in the air in defeat.
Lauren noticed the baggage scattered around the room, and got a stern look on her face. “What are you planning with all this luggage Rachel? You just going to run away from all this? Hope to forget about it? You have a job you are responsible for. You just can’t leave with out telling anyone” Lauren stated, trying to be reasonable.
“I’m not in the mood for any of your lectures Lauren, I’m staying with dad for a couple days and that’s it. And think about it Lauren. If Kevin did something like this to you, would you want to stay and watch as he hangs on some other girl?”
Lauren was silent, and looked down at the ground.
“That’s what I thought. Now if you’d excuse me, I have a plane to catch. I already told Nina I was leaving for a couple days. You can tell the others what ever you want I don’t care.”
Lauren watched as Rachel struggled to carry all of her three bags at one time. She laughed. “Here, I’ll help you. And don’t worry about anything back here. I’ll take care of it, ok?”
Rachel turned and smiled. “Thank you”
“That’s what sisters are for”

Everyone was having a grand old time in the restaurant of the hotel. Noone was really around at that hour, and the doors had been secured so that if any fans would have dropped by, there was no way to get to the boys. Katie sat in Brian’s lap, both of them facing forward, laughing at all AJ’s perverted jokes and Nick’s corny ones. Brian’s hands were placed lightly below her waist, and his chin rested on her right shoulder. AJ looked on with slight jealousy. Christina had decided to go out with some of the other dancers to a club, so he was on his own again. He could feel himself going into one of those trances where you just sit there staring straight ahead. He kept thinking about a time back at the beginning of tour, when they had been in Spain. There had been a double concert, and the night after the first one, the crew left the stage standing. He smiled as he replayed the whole evening in his head:

“Meet me out on the stage at midnight, there will be a surprise for you” he had written on a piece of crepe paper.
“Yo Jackie, go give this to Rachel for me. But don’t tell her its from me”
“Sure thing AJ” the young assistant stage manager whispered.
AJ rubbed his hands together, and set to work on his mission. The concert for that night had ended a half an hour before, and everyone had began to leave. The four other guys had already gone back to the hotel as well as the band. He knew Rachel would be there a little bit longer and decided to take advantage of it. An hour later, after everyone had cleared out, everything was set. There were no lights on, just the illumination from the sky that shone down into the amphitheater. AJ waited impatiently near a darker corner of the stage where he could see Rachel’s reaction. Five minutes passed and she still didn’t appear. He was about to leave and forget the whole thing, when he heard footsteps in the soft grass of the stadium. He smiled and straightened out his oversized A/X Exchange sweater, and baggy khakis. He twisted the tips of a few strands of his hair and waited a couple seconds longer before making his appearance. He gasped when he saw Rachel standing a few feet in front of the stage, looking as if she didn’t exactly know what she was doing there. She was wearing a short violet summer dress, and her hair hung down at her shoulders gently. The blond and red highlights AJ had convinced her to do shone in the moonlight as did her brown eyes. Her tan skin glowed and the soft lighting accentuated the curves of her body. He knew she was beautiful, but he had never realized the extent of it until that point.
“AJ?” she asked curiously, trying to make out the figure in the dark.
“Hey baby” he said, composing himself and pushing thoughts of what he wanted to do with her right then and there to the back of his head. He hopped of the side of the stage and walked briskly over to her, wrapping her in his arms, and pulling her in for one of the longest, deepest kisses he had ever shared with someone. “I love you” he whimpered, nuzzling his head in the cleft between her neck and shoulder, taking in the smell of her skin.
“Where is all this coming from? If this is my surprise, you have my approval” she laughed.
“Naw, this isn’t your surprise” he said, looking up and smiling.
“Well you have my full attention”
“Don’t I always?” he asked, peering over the rim of his tinted sunglasses that he had refused to remove the whole day.
“Depends on what we’re doing”
”Mm, you’re naughty” he laughed shaking his head, and pulling her by the hand.
“Where are we going?” she asked curiously.
“The surprise”
“Oooo” she squealed with excitement.
AJ brought her up to the front of the stage, and then up the stairs. She sucked in her breath; just the reaction he had been hoping for.
“Oh AJ, this is so romantic” she sighed. The whole stage was covered in long stem roses of every color.
“Good thing you didn’t come all the way up on the stage when you came in, otherwise it would have ruined the surprise.” As he said this, he picked up a violet rose and handed it to her. “This is the perfect accessory for that cute little number you’re wearing” he said slowly. She laughed and took the rose from his hands, and the kissed his cheek lightly. “So what now?” she asked, her voice animated and excited. AJ slowly and carefully cleared away some of the delicate flowers.
“Now we lay down” he said smoothly.
Rachel smiled, and turned a light shade of pink. “Adje, I don’t know if I feel comfortable doing something like that just out in the open.”
AJ looked at her for a moment before smiling, with a hint of mischief in his eye “Well that’s not what I had in mind, but if you’re up for it, I am.”
“No, you do what you had in mind”
AJ grinned, giving her one last chance to reconsider, but then tugged on her fingers, and she laid down next to him. Rachel finally realized why he had requested she lay down. Because of the stadium’s open dome the sky was fully visible, and it seemed that all the stars in the universe had come out to play.
“You’re so creative AJ. Thank you for sharing this with me” she commented, after they had laid there inches apart in silence, just staring straight up. She rolled over and rested her eyes on his face. She took off his glasses and stared into his big brown gaze softly. They smiled, a silent appreciation for eachother being exchanged. Rachel ran her index finger along his bottom lip, intensely focusing on every feature of it, as a cat would it’s pray, and at the very last moment, she pounced on it with her own lips. He ran his fingers through her hair slowly as they kissed, and then let his fingers travel to her back, where he unzipped the back of her summer dress. His hands eagerly caressed the newly found skin, and as he did so, he felt Rachel’s shy fingers running up the inside of his sweater. That’s as far as it went. Only kisses were shared between the two that night, and nothing more. AJ knew that was what made it so special. For hours afterwards they stared silently at the sky, enjoying eachother's company, AJ’s hand on Rachel’s back, her hand on his heart.

“Hey!! Boner!!! What are you doing over there?” Nick shouted. “Are your boobies hurtin you or something craaaaazy like that?” a drunken Nick asked from across the room.
AJ shook his head and looked up, partly annoyed that someone had disturbed from his fond memory.
“What are you talking about?” he asked, almost angrily.
“Look at yourself” Nick slurred again. AJ looked down, and realized his own hand was placed over his heart, as if re-enacting the scene that had been playing in his head. It sent a shiver up his spine as he remembered again.
“Alright! Who got Nick drunk again?” Kevin asked, as he entered the room.
“Don’t look at me” AJ said and lifted a hand up in defense.
“Howie?”
“Howie isn’t even in here Kev. He went to talk to Tommy about a song he was writing or something”
“Well then I guess that only leaves you” Kevin said, directing the accusation towards Brian.
“Hey all I did was suggest he loosen up a little after the show. And I guess to Nick that means get plastered”
“Well someone cut him off from the alcohol. Man, I leave the room for ten minutes and you guys run to the liquor”
“There’s just something about you Train. You bring out the alcoholic in all of us” Brian laughed, but Kevin shot him a glare, so he quickly wiped the grin off his face. “Well Katie and I are going to call it a night.”
“We got a press conference tomorrow at 11 so don’t plan on sleeping in to late Rok,” AJ called, now fully out of his trance and tipping back a beer that Nick had some how managed to miss.
“Yeah me to. Just as soon as I find Lauren”
“Can’t go to bed alone anymore Kev?”
“No AJ, unlike you, I can go a night without being locked up in some hotel room screwing someone’s brains out.”
Nick heard this and began laughing, pointing at AJ.
“Well it’s a dirty job Kevin, but someone’s got to do it.” AJ replied, with a hint of remorse in his voice. He was getting a little tired of constantly being looked at as the male giggilo of the group.
“Well I guess its just you and blondie. G’night” Kevin said, and turned to leave, but as he did, Lauren entered the room, with a determined look on her face.
“Hey, where ya been?” Kevin asked as she passed him. But Lauren ignored the greeting and walked straight over to the table that AJ was sitting at.
“What did you do to her?” she cried.
“What?! Who the hell are you talking about?!” AJ yelled, startled by this sudden outburst.
“You know who I’m talking about AJ. Rachel!!! At this very moment, she is on her way to the airport to catch a plane in 30 minutes to go home!! I’ve never seen her as hysterical as she is now. And its all your fault!!!”
“Hey!!!! She’s the one who kept pushing me away. I’m not going to wait for her forever!!”
“Oh, and it really showed how much you cared about her since you moved onto to someone else in less than three days”
“Found someone else? What are you talking about?”
“That dancer! God you are an ass. You were just kissing her today and you don’t even remember her name!!! How do you even manage to hang out with someone like this Kevin?” she asked bitterly.
“Why don’t you let him explain?” Kevin said softly, coming closer to her and placing his strong hands on her shoulders, which were shaking.
“You mean Christina?” AJ asked, a little less irate.
“Yeah whatever her name is” Lauren sighed, now calmer also, and sitting down in one of the chairs.
“So she left?”
“For a couple days yeah. She’ll be back soon”
Nick was by that point almost completely sobered up from what he was seeing, and his eyes became very big and regretful.
“Uhh, I may have something to do with that” he said softly.
“What?!” Lauren and AJ shot at him.
Nick racked his brain for a way to explain the kiss they had shared, but was having some problems since he was still hazy from all the alcohol he had had. Instead he just blurted out the whole story as well as the fight, feeling incredibly embarrassed. AJ’s chin was almost to the ground as he listened. Nick looked up at him as soon as he was done. He breathed a sigh of relief as he saw AJ sitting quietly, staring at the table. But a moment later he let out a bone chilling yell and lunged at Nick. Luckily Kevin was right behind him, and had the chance to restrain him.
“I hate you mother fucker!! Get the fuck out of my face!! What the fuck were you thinking!! God damnit Nick! You know I would never touch one of your girls!”
“You should both be ashamed of yourselves!!!” Lauren shouted at the both of them, but then slumped back into her chair as if all energy had been sucked out of her. “It just occurred to me that none of you have any idea what Rachel has gone through in the past. None of you” she whispered, tears beginning to trickle down her cheeks. “Can I talk to AJ alone for a second?” she asked, glancing up at Kevin. He smiled warmly, and bent down and kissed her on the forehead. “Sure, I’ll be in my hotel room if you need to talk”
“Mmk” she said softly.
“Come on Nick” Kevin said sternly, and Nick got up promptly. He smiled shyly at AJ, but it was only returned with a glare. When the two had exited the room and Lauren and AJ were left alone, she sighed loudly. “I don’t know if I should even tell you his, but if you and her, meaning Rachel, are going to have any future together than I think you need to know what is and has gone in her life. Are you ready for this?” she asked slowly.
AJ nodded his head, unsure of what was about to come.

Rachel sighed as she sank into her seat on the airplane. She opened up her backpack and pulled out her Discman and some CD’s. Jewel, Alanis Morisette, Sarah McLaughlin, Dave Matthews and Enya. Some of her favorite CD’s when she was frustrated or sad. She popped in Enya and flipped it to track 7. The soft, mellow music flooded in her ears as the plane took off and she closed her eyes and concentrated on only the music. “Who can tell me that we have heaven? Who can say the way it should be?” the music hummed. Rachel could feel her eyes well up as she felt the irony of the words, and quickly changed the song. The same type of rhythm and calming music enveloped her senses and she rested her eyes as the lyrics were sung. “Suddenly before my eyes, hues of indigo arise. With them how my spirit sighs, paint the sky with stars. Only night will ever know, why the heavens never show, all the dreams there are to know, paint the sky with stars.” Images from a night back in June flashed behind Rachel’s closed eyes….the night AJ had surprised her with the stage full of roses, and they had fallen asleep staring at the sky. The memory sent a tremor of pain through her heart, but she didn’t change the track, and decided to continue to listen.
“ Who has placed the midnight sky so a spirit has to fly? As the heavens seem so far, now who will pain the midnight stars? Night has brought to those who sleep only dreams they cannot keep, I have legends in the deep. Paint the sky with stars”
Rachel was now fully aware that tears were streaming violently down her face, but she didn’t care. “AJ” she whispered to herself, as the last lines hit her hard “Place a name upon the night, one to set your heart a light, and to make the darkness bright. Paint the sky with stars”

AJ sat almost trembling in his seat as Lauren unfolded the truth of Rachel’s past. “After my mother died, things took a turn for the worst with my dad. He became a heavy drug user, and began beating Rachel and I. Always to the point where we would pass out. He would use anything on Rachel…sticks, bats, brooms. Throw glasses at her head. It wasn’t as bad for me, I was 7 Rachel was only 5. I had the sense to stay at friends houses a lot, but Rachel…my god Rachel had no way out. I’d always come home and she would have a concussion, her face would be covered in blood and she always had at least one black eye. Her little body would just be crumpled up inside her bed, and I couldn’t do anything for her. I never did AJ!! Oh god I never did!!!” Lauren dug her nails into her own skin as she thought about the abuse her and her sister had received.
“Yeah you did, you were there for her. You were her support system” AJ tried to choke out.
Lauren looked up into AJ’s eyes, and he almost felt the pain that was surging through her. The bright, strong, confident eyes he had been used to looking into were now full of sadness and confusion. They looked like the eyes of a….seven year old scared for her life.
“You don’t understand” she whispered hoarsely, almost inaudible. “I left the house as soon as I turned 18. I couldn’t handle the beatings anymore. I hated that house. I abandoned her to be tortured alive. I was selfish. I didn’t even move close to them, I moved to a whole other state. I left her to fend for herself. She was only just turning 16, with no mother and an abusive father. I left her, and never came back. I haven’t even been to the house in Cleveland. I haven’t spoken to my dad in 5 years. Rachel still has full contact with him. She forgives him for what he put her through. She blames herself, says she wasn’t a good kid, and dad was just lonely. He was just trying to bring her up in a disciplined way. Oh god, its all my fault”
Now AJ was in tears, sucking in his breath uncontrollably as he thought about the horrendous things a person he cared about, he loved, had had to go through something so awful.
“Lauren its not your fault”
“All the bruises, the blood, the broken bones.” She continued, as if in her own world. “All the fights. And I left her for dead. Didn’t even call. It’s a miracle we still talk now”
AJ realized this was probably the first time Lauren had talked about the horrors she had experienced as a child in a long time.
“Why are you telling me this Lauren? I mean, this is something that you should be sharing with Kevin not me”
“AJ….I’m telling you all of this because she loves you. That’s what she came into the dressing room to tell you. She loves you and she wanted you to know that, so you guys could get back on track. Now that she sees you are with someone else….I haven’t seen her like that in years AJ. She was hysterical. She feels abandoned. Too many people have abandoned her. Including me” Lauren sobbed, and looked down at the floor in shame. “Me, mom, passed boyfriends, Anne”
“Anne?” AJ asked, wiping his eyes.
Lauren’s glossy eyes glanced up at him with surprise. “She never told you about Anne? You never saw the tattoo on her foot?”
AJ shook his head slowly, all of this new to him.
Lauren nodded, and began to explain. “Freshman year of college her best friend Anne was at a party. She had drank too much and wasn’t fully aware of what was going on. Another one of Rachel’s guy friends, Dan…took advantage of the situation and brutally raped her. Anne survived the attack but was so traumatized by the event that she committed suicide a week later. Rachel still blames herself for not helping Anne, although there was really nothing for her to do. She got Anne’s name tattooed on her ankle to serve as a permanent reminder of her lost friend. Rachel also never looked at guys the same way. She saw them as the enemy. Except of course for you guys.” A smile played on Lauren’s lips, though her eyes were still full of pain.
“Whuh? She didn’t now us back then” AJ asked.
“Now I KNOW she told you about the infatuation she had with the Backstreet Boys since she was 16. The year I moved out” she said, solemn again.
"Yeah she did” He said smiling as he remembered the conversation they had had about it.
“To her, you 5 were the perfect guys in the universe. Crooning out “I’ll never break your heart, I’ll never make you cry” was exactly what she wanted and needed to hear. Most people look at their fathers as the perfect man. Every girl wants to marry a guy like her daddy. Well when that resource ran out, she turned you guys, and has clung on ever since”
“Yeah up until now. I completely fucked that up” AJ said, holding his head in his hands.
“Hey don’t worry about it. Maybe she needed a good kick of reality to realize that there isn’t a perfect guy in this world unfortunately.”
“Except Kevin” AJ offered.
Lauren laughed slightly and sighed, “Yeah..except Kevin” she joked.
“What do I do Lauren?” he asked desperately.
Lauren sighed again. “I don’t know AJ. Give her a day to just get home…well in her father’s house”
AJ noticed this reference to “Rachel’s father” and not her own. He nodded his head, and let her continue.
“Then you need to go get her back…before its to late. Otherwise we’ll both lose her again AJ. In more ways then one”
AJ shivered at this last remark, as if it were some sort of omen…a curse. He knew he had to do something, anything to get her back. “Don’t you think you should tell Kevin all of this? He’d want to know. At least about you”
“When the times right AJ. All in good time. I’m all talked out for tonight. He’ll know, all in good time. I’ll be ok. But please, don’t let what’s been said in this room ever be mentioned again, even to Rachel. If she tells you, than that will be a big step for her. But otherwise don’t bring it up. She’s kind of in denial that her dad ever hit her”
AJ nodded, but before getting up he added one more thing. “Lauren, just so you know. Christina didn’t mean anything to me.”
“I know AJ, I know”
AJ smiled softly, and wrapped his arm around her waist.
”Ill walk you to your room” he said, and she nodded, gently laying her head on his shoulder. Lauren felt a lot closer to AJ, and trusted him. She was glad they had had the talk, and although she had shed more tears than she had in years, she felt refreshed, as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

Eight hours later Rachel’s plane touched down in Cleveland. She was exhausted even though she had slept most of the way there. When she had finally collected all her bags, she ran back outside to catch a cab to her father’s house. It was only four in the morning, Cleveland time, but about 10 in the morning Rome time. She knew immediately she would have some problems getting used to the different time zones. When the taxi pulled into the sloped driveway about 15 minutes later she climbed out of the car slowly, and the driver helped her with her bags.
”Thanks” she said quietly, and handed him the fare money. She punched in the code for the garage door, and was surprised to find no cars inside. “He and Cindy must be out of town” she thought to herself, referring to her father and his girlfriend. She walked inside and greeted the empty, dark house with a sigh of relief. She was finally home. The house hadn't changed much since she had last been there and she quickly went upstairs to the room her father kept for her when she came to visit. She threw her bags on the couch that was placed against the back wall and tossed herself onto the bed. She loved the room. It had been her haven growing up. The walls were dark blue with white stars painted on them. Butterflies made out of thin cloth hung from the ceiling and there were glow-in-the-dark stars everywhere. Her desk was still covered with pictures of friends from high school, as she hadn’t changed the room since going to college. She scanned all the pictures slowly, and her gaze fell gravely upon a small golden frame that had a snapshot of herself and her mother playing in the backyard, shortly before the accident. Rachel picked it up, and gripped it tightly as she felt her eyes watering up again. “You know mom, I could really use some womanly advice on stuff right now. I need you mommy. I love you” she whispered, and held the cool glass off the frame up to her flushed cheek. She wept for a couple minutes, before taking one last long look at the picture and them placed it back on the desk. She could feel her eyelids becoming heavy but knew that if she were to go to sleep she would never wake up, and never get used to Cleveland’s time schedule. She walked downstairs, turning on lamps as she went along. She looked in the fridge and was happy to see a pitcher of lemonade just waiting for her to dive into . She pulled out a glass and filled it to the top before chugging it back quickly. She sauntered into the living room and flicked on the t.v, but fifteen minutes later she could feel herself becoming drowsy again. “Oh, a little nap can’t hurt. I’ll just set my alarm for 10 this morning, that way I won’t over sleep”
As she washed her face and got ready for bed, she looked at herself in the mirror for the first time in months. “I need a change. Majorly” she said to herself outloud, and decided she would alter some things that day after she was rested. She walked slowly out of the bathroom, passing the spare room..the room was meant for Lauren when she came to stay. It hadn’t been used yet. She sighed, wishing at least someone could have been there with her, but decided maybe it was best she was alone. As she climbed into her pajamas and then into bed she set her alarm and replayed all the events that had happened that day. She tried hard to contain herself, but ended up crying herself to sleep.

Chapter 30
INDEX

A Story is a Wish your Heart Makes