| "Welcome to Fantasy Island." |
It turns out the agents in Taiwan were holding out on me. It was a sinister plot to get me into the department stores and other commissioned tourist traps of Bali. I swear. The itinerary arrived along with my tour badges and other info a few days before departure. The badges were to facilitate the tour guide's corralling efforts and also to identify us as sources of easy income for Balinese locals. The itinerary had me squirming in anticipation. Since we were going to a beautiful tropical island with white beaches, aquamarine lagoons, colorful fish, lush jungle vistas, tasty cuisine, and vibrant local culture, we would naturally want to go to a department store, an artifical waterpark, and a Chinese banquet.
DAY 1
The airplane touched down and, needless to say, I was eager to GET THE HELL AWAY. I was ready to check into the hotel, leave a note for the tour guide saying, "See you the day we go back to Taiwan," and get up to the village of Pemuteran to meet Tom & Deb and go diving. The flight was smooth, but not exactly comfortable. It left Taipei at 4:30AM, so I had to be at the airport at 2:30AM to get my ticket from the agent. It takes a little time to get to the airport, so I stayed up all night. I thought I might at least get a few hours sleep on the plane. Once we took off it was nice and dark and quiet. I was just starting to dream of a clear blue ocean when brriing! the lights came on. The stewardesses had the bright idea to serve breakfast at 5:30AM. NO ONE EATS BREAKFAST AT 5:30AM! Except maybe farmers when NOT on vacation. I put my jacket over my head and fitfully dozed while kids shook my seat and old Taiwanese shouted at each other in Chinese-style conversation. By the time I got through customs and immigration at Denpasar, I was irritable. Then I chilled, remembered I was on vacation, and calmed down.
I went to the money exchange counter with US$500. I thought about what I would spend- diving, bungalow in Pemuteran, food, transportation, and maybe a few Balinese handicrafts. I figured I would start with $300, and leave $200 in US$$ for contingencies. As it turned out, I made the mistake of projecting costs in US$ and not Indonesian Rupiah. At the time, the Rupiah was at a record low around 12,000 per 1US$ in the airport. When I handed over $300, the lady shoveled over bricks of cash- BRICKS -that could not possibly fit in my pockets. I wasn't about to walk out of a third world airport during a severe economic crisis with unconcealable wads of cash bulging in my pockets. Luckily my friend Julia had a backpack that could be used as a loot bag. I was a millionaire, and had a sherpa to tote my millions! An added plus was that if we happened to get mugged, she was the one carrying the cash so I could probably escape relatively unscathed.
Now it was time to get moving. However, the tour guide informed us it was 10AM and the hotel was not ready yet. So, first stop- a Kuta department store so we could wait until noon check-in time. This was a bonus! This department store wasn't on the itinerary. Also, I was glad we were in Kuta because I was missing the noise and traffic of Taipei. I could see that even trying to escape this tour in the first place was going to be difficult. Luckily there was a beach nearby and although I felt like a fool being fully dressed and carrying a winter jacket, went for a walk. The surf was small and sloppy- definitely longboards only. There were several board rental stands along the beach, which advertised their wares by placing them directly in view in the hot sun. The boards were solid yellow/brown without a lick of wax. I wonder how many first-timers took out a slippery orange board and remarked how difficult it was to stay on the dang thing? After eating some nasi goreng we went back to find the group preparing to go have lunch.
The guides were amazed that we had the audacity to 1) go off and eat on our own, and 2) to want to go to the hotel ahead of the group. They said, well okay go ahead if you want, but you won't be able to check-in. I guess they were trying to exercise tour guide control over us, but not having put on our tour badges, we were not to be so easily cajoled. Once at the hotel we wrenched control of our a fate back into our own hands by checking in anyway. We were preparing to get the heck out of Dodge when the guides made one last attempt to keep us on the commission gravy train. There was a fun waterpark and a Chinese dinner to go to. Reservations were already made, so we should go. I had to think of something quick. My strategy for escape was impeccable: while pretending to sleep, I let Julia equivocate with the guides until they left. That was my cue- up I lept and out the door we went.
The road to Pemuteran was beautiful. Terraced rice patties, lush valleys, -the works. The three hour drive went by fast. We arrived at the Pondok Sari Bungalows just at sunset, in time for dinner with Tom and Deb. Tom was now Mr. Scuba, having just completed his PADI course, so we treated him with new deference. We toasted our escape from the tour group and the $4 each feast got us stuffed and sauced. It was time to sleep- and in fairness to Julia's honor, I must state for the record that all shared hotel rooms on this trip had TWIN beds. Really.
DAY 2
(You'll find that the following days do not have as much written about each one as the first day did. That is because I can write more when I'm complaining and being sarcastic than when things go well. I'm a bad person.)
We spent the better part of the day diving. We did two wall dives, which were okay... there was a bit of a current that hampered visibility. Julia actually didn't go diving since she can't swim, but we put a life preserver on her, threw her overboard, and had her be our marker buoy.
After diving, we wandered around the beach and saw boats, children, laboring women, and a monkey ("But I see two monkeys in the picture." Yeah very funny.)
That night we had another cheap and tasty feast before Tom and I went on a night dive. There was a lot of plankton in the water so it was all sparkly when we moved through the darkness. We saw a few interesting denizens of the deep- cuttlefish, lobster, snake eel, and sleeping fish. After diving the four of us got a hot and heavy "Big Two" card game going. Lady luck was smiling on me that night because I milked the hapless victims for 50,000 Rupiah.
DAY 3
It was time to say goodbye to the Pondok Sari for we were moving on to Ubud. We had had our time of fun in the sun and it was now time for some culture. On the drive to Ubud we stopped at the Pulaki Temple, a scenic turnout with lots of monkeys (one of which stole my bag of peanuts, the thief), and a temple that I forgot the name of but is in a volcano crater that is now a lake.
Once in Ubud, we checked into the Tjampuan Hotel and went to town for lunch. We wandered around and the girls "shopped and browsed" while the guys "bought specific things we were looking for" because guys don't like to shop. Dinner was so-so but you don't complain when you're sitting on a patio next to a pond with live gamelan music playing and food is only $2 a dish.
DAY 4
This day was pouring rain, so we decided to just relax. The original plan was to lounge at the pool until lunch, go somewhere to eat, and then maybe hit a cultural site. I ruined that idea when I went to the pool and made a very conscientious effort to apply sunscreen to all parts of my body. Everyone knows that Murphy's Law is an international law, so the first drops of rain started to hit as soon as I re-capped the sunscreen bottle.
The hotel was very nice in itself so we were content to hang out on the balcony of Deb & Tom's room and order room service. Their room looked out onto a lilypad-covered fish pond, and with the rain coming down it was quite nice and peaceful. Now I can answer the question at the top of this page. Ubud is where you can beat a phallus on a statue and waiters bring food and drink. This is because the hotel did not have phones in the rooms. Instead, on each balcony/patio, there was a happy little statue with a BIG member. The statues were made of wood and were hollow. So, in order to get staff's attention, you grab hold of that masculine rod, yank it out, and beat the statue with it. The resultant clamour brings the room service staff to your room. Low-tech, but much more thrilling than a telephone. This gives new meaning to the phrase "I got wood."
We spent the afternoon playing cards again, and I ended up having to give all my winnings back from two days before. Lady Luck is a fickle mistress. Julia and I had to return to Taiwan early the next morning, so she, Deb, and I went to town to arrange transportation and maybe get one or two handicrafts we had missed the day before.
One thing I noticed during the two days in Ubud was a certain pre-occupation with phallic symbols. I just mentioned the room-service statues. In town there were a lot of paintings and statues of HUGE penises, some attached to men, some with lives of their own. Often there were women lavishing attention on the other-worldly members. I know that in Hinduism a central icon is the lingam, or Shiva's phallus, but that is usually more symbolic, not so detailed. I guess I should have asked what was up. At any rate, I have now written a paragraph about wieners, a subject which is always a cheap crowd pleaser.
DAY 5
We arrived from Ubud at our original tour package hotel late the night of Day 4. We didn't do anything but pack. In the morning at breakfast, the tour guides seemed somehow miffed that we had gone off and had a good time without their involvement (or commissions). It was almost like we betrayed them. But hey! Were we there for them or for us? This was our vacation; our purpose on Bali was to enjoy ourselves, not to serve the tourism industry! So we didn't let their unhappiness bother us despite our cool reception when announcing our return to the fold.
Since it was Chinese New Year, we paid some "lucky money" to them to hopefully buy their favor back. It seemed to kind of work, but at the airport they tried to hit us up for a sort of "non-participation tax." They wanted us to pay US$120 for not going to the banquet and not going shopping. What!? We were supposed to pay for an activity we didn't want to do and a dinner we never ate or asked for? Their reasoning was that they guaranteed the restaurant and shopping center X tourists, and they only brought X-2. Silliness! We refused to pay, citing lack of contractual agreements, excessive cost, and the plain lack of sense in such reasoning. We wouldn't succumb to the tyranny of the tour guides! I think guides on Taiwanese tours really do get a sense of "ownership" over their group, since the tourists themselves seem to be pretty clueless as to what it means to travel abroad. Well, at least what it means from my perspective. This point was brought home during our discussion of the $120 charge when one guide said, "I think Westerners and Chinese have a different concept of vacation."
Unfortunately the flight was not delayed or cancelled, and I was back in Taipei before I knew it. I went into the closet and sulked.
 | You could get your picture taken with this critter for 3 bucks. At the crater lake temple (I'll write the exact name later). |
 | The Tom and Deb referred to in the above text. |
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 | Me and Julia. I beat Tom! I got pictures with more chicks than he did. |
 | The balancing act. |
 | SAY CHEESE!! |
 | Boat near the Pondok Sari. |
 | Just grab hold and bang away...beer is on its way! |
 | If he keeps misbehaving I may have to spank him. |
 | I can't think of anything funny to write. These are just monkeys. |
 | Just looking at this brings you one step closer to transcending consciousness. |
 | Our heroes. Thank you and have a pleasant drive home. |
