Blue Monday
21st June, 1998

I pressed play. New Order. I lay on my futon in a crouched over position with my knees
pulled tightly to my chest, the words playing:

Those who came before me
 Lived through their vocations
From the past until completion
They will turn away no more
As I hummed along to the familiar words it hit me.  The moment I heard that customary
British voice throwing those lyrics at me, slapping me hard across the face, it hit. It
always did.  I closed my eyes and I was brought  into another world. So different from the
now. Wrong from my world, but special in a euphoric way. I could clearly see the street
lights blur by as we flew through the stars.  Only the three of us, we cherished each other.
We wanted to pour out our full being into each other due to this nonsexual ecstasy we
were experiencing. As the singer continues his aesthetic flow my memory emanates,
seeing blurred lights and everything glowing in the night sky.  I hear a faint squeal
released from my lips, a measure of my happiness and excitement, smoothing my hands
over my face as I become numb. Feel us embracing each other and laughing. This feeling,
inscrutable. “I see a ship in the harbor I can and shall obey”.  I felt so liberated yet so
controlled.  This feeling is what I loved, what I needed. Everything is slower as we fly
faster. Smell the freedom which is smeared all over our bodies as we soar through the
night sky.

Our voices dreamy, our minds make no sense.  Just love, pure love.  I hear the words
“now I stand here waiting ”.  The song continues as does the ecstasy.  This pleasure, the
ultimate pleasure, without a single touch. The music is slow , my brain is slow. But it
gets faster, and faster, and faster, and faster, and faster, and faster........until we erupt.
Our eyes filmed over, our lips tingling with love and joy.   I feel the dizziness and lust. I
feel my eyes rolling back.

I see the three of us. As we were, the friends I would have done anything for. The people
I felt absolute love for.  I hear the music fade, the singers words “grows cold, grows cold”
becomes distant.

I open my eyes to see now. The friendships faded, the mind opened to a different world. I
see unblurred lights, smell my clean perfume, and my body feels not love and joy just
superficial feelings there for all to see.  Love is no longer flowing naturally through my
pure heart. I close my eyes and remember my life, the feelings, the strangeness, the
unexplainable complete love. However I know it is lost forever.  Open up your eyes. The
clean, secure, perfect, real, clear, safer, purer, truer world is no longer.  Not even in
memories.  This world only lives on in the eyes of a sleeping child.
 

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