How Barney Came to be

Long ago, long before the advent of the Public Entertainment station, there was an island located far to the east, somewhere near the center of the Pacific Ocean.This land was known as The isle of the Stupid Dinosaurs. Two species of dinosaur inhabited this island. They were the baby-bonasaurs and the barnsasaurs. These talking dinosaurs had a remarkably low I.Q., even for animals. Due to this extensive stupidity, these dinosaurs were forever at peace, for they did not contain the intellectual capacity to insult each other, or even to participate in dull and uninspiring conversation. Even if they did have the required mental capacity, it is doubtful that the party at the receiving end of the insult would say more than "Gee, that's great!" This being the case, peace reigned on The isle of the Stupid Dinosaurs.

With such low intelligence, the dinosaurs of the island were driven to amusing themselves by employing themselves in games that, if it were not for their ardor, would bore any substantially intelligent person to the point of narcolepsy.

This form of their society lasted for many centuries, with the general conversation and games running something like this:

This may have gone on indefinately, except for the fact that a highly important event changed this course of history. This was the arrival of the first PBS contracter for big, dumb dinosaurs. Although PBS was still in the primitive state (i.e., they were still working with smoke signals), the public was already tired of Big Bird, who helped promote, along with numerous co-stars, the idea of bringing "entertainment" right into the home. However, since most of the public did not enjoy having decapitated smoke signals being blown into their homes, and because the TV was not in wide usage (the exception being the town of Bedrock and surrounding villages), Big Bird was forced to go door to door. This created a need for big, dumb dinosaurs for a variety of reasons. The primary reason was that the Sesame street cast was beggining to demand more vacation time. Although the public was developing a loathing for Big Bird, they found him and his co-stars to be much more interesting than carving unidentifiable drawings into caves and then trying to guess what they drew. They would not withstand being cut off from the entertainment service for any longer than the 10-year waiting period, which was how long it took for Sesame street to visit all the customers. Big, dumb dinosaurs would not only provide Big Bird with vacation time, but would also provide the public with variation (watching big idiots of different colors instead of just a big yellow idiot).

So, the PBS contractors set out to find some dinosaurs dumb enough to take the job, yet capable of speech (this ruled out Dino). They travelled far and wide, yet to no avail. Then, finally, in a desperate effort, one contractor gathered a small crew and built a ship. In this ship he set sail in search of a land with the dinosaurs they needed. After many weeks of sailing, the battered ship landed on the shore of The isle of the Stupid Dinosaurs. Peering over the side of his weather-beaten vessel, the PBS contracto immediately caught sight of masses of friendly looking green and purple dinosaurs. He started to speak, and to his horror, thousands upon thousands of the stupid creatures were running toward his ship in frenzies of curiousity. Having had to play their boring games for so many centuries, the dinosaurs were crazed for variation. So many dinosaurs ran stampeding to one side of the island that it overturned, killing all except one Baby-bopasaur and a Barnsasaur. These two found a sheet of pape floating near where the ship had landed. Miraculously, both dinoaurs had the capacity to read most simple words and understand them. Through reading the paper, they understood the visitors' intentions, and, feeling that an acting career would be much more interesting, decided to travel back to the PBS headquarters. However, being as stupid as they were, they walked straight into the sea in search of this destination. These two were fortunate to be so foolish, for it is likely that if they were any more intelligent they would have drowned. Not relizing they were breathing water, they were able to survive the journey. They only had trouble breathing at one point in their underwater venture, when the following conversation took place:

Baby-bopasaur, "Gurgle! Gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle!"
Barnasuar, "Gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle!"
Baby-bopasaur, "Gurgle! Gurgle!"
Which translates to:
Baby-bopasaur, "Hey! Why is it so hard to breathe down here?"
Barnasaur, "It must be your imagination!"
Baby-bopasaur, "Oh, okay!"

Otherwise, their journey went peacefully, except that it took several centuries for the dinosaurs to find their way to America, simply because they kept getting lost in the trenches, as well as in the mountainous areas around the ridges. Once, they reached California, however, their trip progressed rapidly. At the time when they arrived, television had been developed, as well as many oher technological achievements. When they arrived, a PBS contractor was immediately notified, and the dinosaurs were immediately rushed to an airport, where a flight was arranged to get them to New York within the next 48 hours. Having lived only among stupid dinosaurs, the two were amazed by all that happened to them, but this did not hinder their progress to the PES headquarters. When they arrived, they immediately underwent preperation for their own TV show, and it was decided that the basis oof that show would be the traditional games of the dinosaurs, presumably to torment young children. The Baby-boPasaur was named Baby-boP, and the BarNasaur Barney. They are now the stupid creatures we see on PBS, in that show about an ugly purple dinosaur who tries to turn children into brainless creatures incapable of any normal function in society.

This story I happened upon in English class. It was an essay read by Mike in class and everyone loved it. I asked for his permission to put it on the site and he said it would be okay. I could never be capable of creating this so ALL credit goes to Mike.

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