Copyright 1997 by Rob Perry and NorthStarr Productions
All Rights Reserved
Martian
Hayseed
Graham the Talking Dog 
EXT. WEST HOLLYWOOD LIQUOR STORE DAY
INT. LIQUOR STORE
Doc is picking up a six pack of beer and the Korean Owner
is watching him like a hawk. Doc brings the six pack to
the cash register, still chewing.
KOREAN
Hey "BIG MAN", WHAT YOU
EATING Back there?
DOC
Are you talking to me?
KOREAN
Yes, I talk to you BIG MAN, I
talking to you.
DOC
(SNORT)
What's your name?
KOREAN
My name KIM YOUNG, why you want to
know?
DOC
(showing a fake ID)
I work for the INS and you look like a
a guy on a wanted poster I received
today.
(Showing phony badge)
KIM
(looking at Doc)
I have green card, you want me show?
You want fresh rice cakes?
DOC
You thought I was scarfing something
in the back, right?
KIM
You droooooling, like you eat?
DOC
Let me see your green card?
KIM
(handing card to Doc)
Card faded a little, family go to Raging
waters last month.
DOC
This is fake, look here no thread in paper.
Hell you got me talking like you.
Skip rushes into the store and looks at Doc, then Kim.
Doc winks his eye at him.
DOC (CONT.)
I'm glade you came in Captain Tracer, looks like
we have another fake green card, the quality is
getting worse all the time.
(hands card to Skip)
Lousy workmanship, no threads.
SKIP
(looking at card)
This is the worst I've ever seen. How much did
this cost you "Kim Chee"?
KIM
(upset)
It cost five hundred dollas, man say it best fake
ever made.
SKIP
Well, we will have to take you in, so pack your
stuff and lets go,,.
KIM
Wife at Disneyland with kids and grand-parents.
SKIP
That's too bad, you can send them a letter from
Korea, if you get there.
KIM
Why me not get there?
SKIP
Our jail at the INS is full, we had a big pickup on
the corners in LA this morning.
KIM
So where you take me?
Skip looks at Doc and motions for him to come over.
SKIP
(whispering)
So where shall we take him sergeant?
DOC
I have a friend over at the VFW hall in Pacoima.
SKIP
Isn't that the Hall that has all the Hispanic brothers
that were in the Korean war. Good idea, they will
take good care of him.
KIM
(very upset)
Hispanic brothers, Korean War?
(WAVING HIS HANDS)
No ....No... they kill me.
DOC
Don't worry about it, your insured by the
United States immigration Service when
your in our custody!
Kim throws himself on the floor and starts to beg for mercy.
KIM
(crying)
Preese ....preese no, take me to Korean Veterans.
I will do anything?
DOC
Well, what do you think Captain Tracer,
should we give him a break?
KIM
Preese ... preese ...I do anything.
SKIP
You know how many papers we had to fill
out the last time we took a Korean to that place.
DOC
(SERIOUS)
Kim have you been overcharging your
customers?
KIM
(crying)
Only African brothers because they throw
eggs at my windows each night.
DOC
See Captain, I told you that report was
telling the truth.
SKIP
What else have you done that we don't
know about?
SKIP
What about the report you were running
a sweat shop?
KIM
(pleading)
No ....No...No...., grandpa Won run sweat
shop not me, no .. no!
DOC
And what else?
KIM
Grandma Won run FAN TAN game in
Uncles Chop-Chop.
DOC
No kidding? You mean Chop Shop, right?
SKIP
You people are busy little rats aren't you?
KIM
No .. no rats, we all born in year of the Pig,
make lots of money in Uncle Sam Land.
SKIP
Ok, Kim Chee, were going to cut you a little slack,
turn him loose, sergeant.
SKIP
Were going to be keeping an eye on you.
(using his thumb and second
finger)
You screw up this much and your dog shit.
KIM
(hugging Skip)
Oh thank you Captain, me be good boy,
from now on, no more over charge, no
more Fan Tan and let all people loose
from sweat shop!
DOC
Remember were going to be keeping an eye on you.
SKIP
How much do we owe you for the beer?
KIM
No, charge, on the house, here large bag of
Fortune cookies, you come back for more,
also two free Lotto tickies, be California
Millionaire!
SKIP
Hey man were not on the take, so don't
try to bribe us, ok?
KIM
Thank you, ...thank you!!!
As the boys walk out of the liquor store Skip whispers to Doc.
SKIP
I never had to work so hard for a six
pack in all my life. That phony ID
worked like a charm didn't it?
DOC
Like a charm cous!
They give each other a high five and go out the door.
CUT TO:
EXT. DODGER STADIUM GENERAL ADMISSION SECTION - DAY
Doc is eating a hot-dog and Skip is drinking his second
beer and looking down the front of the full figured lady
sitting in front of him. Gray is inside of Skips jacket
drinking Skips beer through a straw.
DOC
Are you a ladies man?
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
This is the worse seat I've ever had, after the game
starts we'll go down in the better seats.
DOC
I have the two Lotto tickets, you want yours?
SKIP
(taking one)
Isn't that something, two American Lotto tickets
given to us by a guy we use to be at war with.
You were never in the service were you Doc,
it would have been a great experience for you.
DOC
(food falling out of his
mouth)
That reminds me of a joke. "What did one bull
frog say to another bull frog"?
Skip pulls himself up in the chair so he can get a better
look at the lady in front of him.
SKIP
I don't know, tell me? Da!
DOC
(Snorting and laughing)
"Time's fun when your having flies"! ......
SKIP
Is that the best you can do, I heard that one
in the first grade.
Skip is now looking at the large cleavage in the ladies
chest and is smiling.
SKIP
The last time I saw tits like that was when
I worked in a dairy.
DOC
You're really funny Skip.
The full figured lady turns around and looks at Skip.
LADY
You dirt rag will you cut it out!
SKIP
Ok, ok, don't get upset .....! How about having
dinner with me tonight, my treat?
LADY
(PULLING OUT HER PEPPER
SPRAY, AND POINTING IT
AT SKIP)
OK THAT'S IT, one more thing and you get some
of this. And tell your buddy to stop drooling,
he's getting it all over my mother.
SKIP
My friend can't help it, he only has two
months to live.
LADY
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
SKIP
(STERN LOOK)
Hey man it looks like were not going to get you
laid before you croak. You'll be the first Virgin
to die in our family.
LADY
(Feeling bad)
He's Virgin?
Everyone stands when the star spangled banner starts to play.
Kathy Lee Gifford starts to sing.
LADY
(HANDING A CARD TO DOC)
Come and see me after the game and we'll see what we
can do about your problem. Ok mom, let's move
down to the lower seats!
Both women get up and move down to the lower section.
SKIP
(IN SHOCK)
I don't believe it, she bought it, she bought it.
Let me see the card.
(TAKING THE CARD FROM DOC)
JOAN LOGAN .....Massage Therapist.
SKIP
(STERN LOOK)
Hey man it looks like YOU LUCKED OUT.
DOC
I have another joke for you.
SKIP
(STERN LOOK)
Hey man forget the joke, let's talk about
the lady.
Doc gets up and waves down the ice
cream salesman.
DOC
(GETTING HIS MONEY)
Skip, you want an ice cream?
SKIP
(STERN LOOK)
Hey man forget the food lets talk about the lady,
I'll take her if you don't want her.
DOC
I thought Cammie was your girlfriend?
Skip is now looking at the two attractive black ladies that
have taken the two vacated seats.
DOC
Lets go Skip.
CUT TO:
EXT. DODGER STADIUM RESERVED SEATS - DAY
Doc is eating another hot dog and Skip is drinking
another beer. They've found two seats in a very
nice part of the stadium.
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
This is a lot better, now we can relax and watch the game.
DOC
I have to go to the bathroom, do you want anything
from the snack bar?
SKIP
(making a face)
Do you plan to watch the game today or
are you just going to eat?
DOC
(food falling out of his
mouth)
That reminds me I need to get more mustard, see ya.
Skip pulls himself up in the chair so Doc can get by and just
at that time a batter hits one out of the stadium.
SKIP
I missed it, will you please sit down!
A young man and his lady friend are looking
at their tickets in the row where skip and
Doc have seats.
SKIP
(under his breath)
Holy shit I'm going to lose my reserved seats.
YOUNG MAN
Sir, I believe you have our seats?
SKIP
(making a face)
Are you talking to me pal?
(STANDING ON HIS TIP TOES TO
LOOK AS TALL AS THE YOUNG MAN)
You must be mistaken, I've purchased this reserved seat.
The young man waves to an usher, and motions for him to come over.
The usher comes running up.
USHER
Yes sir is there a problem?
YOUNG MAN
(UPSET)
Yes there is, those two seats on he end of the
balcony belong to me.
USHER
(reaching out)
May I see your tickets sir.
Looks good to me, sir,
(looking at Skip)
Sir may I see your tickets?
SKIP
(looking at Usher)
May I speak to you for a minute please.
The usher goes over to Skip and stands next to him.
SKIP (cont.)
I have a cousin from Littlerock Arkansas who just
had his mother die and now who has only two
months to live and this will be the last baseball
game he will ever see. We were in General
Admission and two black guys were showing
off to their girl friends and they tried to hurt Doc,
please for the sake of humanity let us stay here.
The usher walks over to the young couple and gets into a
low key discussion with them. A beat. The usher comes
over and talks to Skip again.
USHER
(stern look)
Sir, they don't believe you.
Skip sees Doc coming back to his seat.
DOC
(food falling out of his
mouth)
What's the problem.
Skip pulls himself up in oratory fashion speaks
very loudly to Doc.
SKIP
Will you kindly tell these people what happen
to your mother and what state you're from.
DOC
My mother died last week and I'm from
Littlerock Arkansas, why?
SKIP
God forgive me for asking you this but how
much time do you have to live.
DOC
My Doctor said two months, why?
The usher walks back to the young couple and gets
into a discussion with them. A beat. The usher
comes over and talks to Skip again.
USHER
(stern look)
Sir, they said they're sorry, and to go ahead
and keep the seats, and if you want you can
use them the rest of the season or until he's gone.
Skip sees Doc coming back to his seat. And
he grabs Doc around the neck and says.
SKIP
Will you kindly tell these people how much
you appreciate this noble gesture.
DOC
Thank you folks.
The usher walks away with the young couple and Doc
sits down next to Skip.
DOC (cont.)
(stern look)
Skip what was that about?
Skip takes a hot dog away from Doc and
grabs a beer and two bags of peanuts.
SKIP
I changed my mind, I'm hungry.
DOC
You took half my food Skip.
SKIP
You know nothing comes easy anymore,
you have to bust your back for everything
now days.
He breaks off the end of the Hot Dog and gives it to Gray.
DOC
Speak for yourself, I have a million dollars.
SKIP
Stop talking to me Doc, I just missed
another home run!
CUT TO:
EXT. DODGER STADIUM RESERVED PARKING - NIGHT
Doc and Skip are trying to find the car but seem to
be going into circles.
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
This is bullshit, I parked that frigging car right
here, because I remembered the old inner tube
in the light standard.
DOC
I think somebody stole it Skip, let's call the police.
SKIP
(making a face)
I don't believe it, your in town only twenty-four
hours and I've been threatened with a knife,
chased by homeboys and the cops, and now
had my car stolen.
DOC
(food falling out of his
mouth again)
Don't look now cous but her comes the homeboys again.
Skip pulls himself up and leans against the car and tries to act tough.
The lowrider pulls up and the tinted window goes down?
GANGSTER
Give it up Bro's do you need some help?
SKIP
(acting tough)
Were friends of Chapo. So don't mess with us.
GANGSTER
Chapo, from the Valley?
SKIP
(making a face)
Yeah, Chapo from the Valley.
(STANDING ON HIS TIP TOES TO
LOOK AS TALL AS HE CAN)
Do you know Chapo?
The gangster waves to another car parked in the shadows
and he makes the sign with his fingers which means "CHILL".
The other car blinks it's lights and drives away.
GANGSTER
Yes Bro, I know Chapo, he's my
cousin, "ESE", (Guy).
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
Talk about our luck changing.
DOC
We think somebody stole Skip's, car so we
were going to call the police.
SKIP
(making a face)
I don't believe it, who would want to steal my car?
DOC
(food falling out of his
mouth again)
How much is a 1956 Chevy Bel Air worth.
GANGSTER
If it's in good shape, five grand.
SKIP
(acting tough)
Well we better get going, we have to go
to the Hollywood Catholic Church for
services for his mother and my aunt
Andrea.
GANGSTER
Chapo, from the Valley? Ok, I'll tell you what
I'm going to do bro, since your a friend of my
cousin, I'll get your car back for you, no charge.
(he removes a Cellular phone
from his jacket and calls
someone)
Hey bro let me talk to Mando ....
Hey bro, you have a 1956 Bel Air?
SKIP
(making a face)
Yeah, white and blue with the vanity
license plates,"FRESMPL".
GANGSTER (Cont.)
Yes Bro, that's the one, it belongs to a friend
of my cousin. Yeah I know I owe you one,
how soon ok Mando, be cool.
Looking at SKIP.
GANGSTER (cont.)
Ok, Bro they're bringing your car
around in a few.
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
Talk about our luck changing.
DOC
Thanks a lot man for your help, when we
see Chapo, who shall we say helped
us out?
GANGSTER
(smiling)
Tell him Krazy Louie helped you out.
SKIP
(acting tough)
Hey thanks man, we appreciate it.
KRAZY LOUIE
Don't, forget to go to church tonight. Hey homes
what are you hiding under your jacket.
SKIP
Oh, we won't. It's my dog Gray, we had to
sneak him into the ball game.
He gets back in the low rider and they speed away.
Two cars approach them and one of them is Skip's
Bel Air. The driver of Skip's car is seen in the
shadows as he gets out of the car into the other car.
SKIP (Cont.)
Let's go home Cous.
EXT. DODGER STADIUM ACCESS ROAD - NIGHT
INT. SKIP'S CONVERTIBLE - NIGHT
Doc and Skip are trying to find A short cut but have gotten lost.
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
This is bullshit, I've been on every road in this
area and never been lost before and now!
DOC
I know Mr. Bad luck, I caused you to get lost.
SKIP
(making a face)
I don't believe it, you are really bad luck,
hello what is this?
DOC
(food falling out of his
mouth again)
Don't look now Skip but we're in luck!
Skip slows down and pulls up next to two young ladies
hitchhiking on a deserted access road. One is thin and
tall and the other is full figured.
SKIP
(acting tough)
Hey hot babes, you need a ride.
YOUNG GIRL ONE
Yes we want a ride, but don't try anything funny.
SKIP
(making a face)
Yeah, right, do we look like molesters?
Hop in ladies, where do you want to go?
YOUNG GIRL ONE
(thin one)
Ok Bro, I'm Mandy and this is my girlfriend Jewel.
JEWEL (full figured)
(looking at Doc)
I'm really hungry, you have anything to eat?
DOC
How about some Jumbo Peanuts?
SKIP
(making a face)
Jewel, why don't you get in the back seat with Doc,
I want to talk to Mandy.
DOC
(food falling out of his
mouth again)
Here take the peanuts.
MANDY
She must have worms in her stomach,
all she does is eat.
SKIP
(acting tough)
Well we better get going, we have to try and
find the freeway. Where do you want us to
drop you ladies off?
JEWEL
(looking at Skip)
Hey Bro, are you trying to dump us?
(Looking at Gray, hiding under
Skips jacket)
What a cute dog, what's his name?
DOC
How about some more Jumbo Peanuts?
You know the dog talks.
SKIP
(making a face)
All he does is eat!
MANDY
Can you drop us off at a party in East LA?
SKIP
(acting tough)
Well I better not get shot when I go into that area.
MANDY
Shot, no way man, if your with us your safe.
It's an open party, why don't you dude's
go with us?
DOC
He doesn't like Hispanic party's, cause he
can't understand the language.
MANDY
(looking at Doc)
I don't understand the language but I still have a good time.
DOC
I would like to go to the party, what do you say Skip?
SKIP
(making a face)
I'll THINK ABOUT IT.
DOC
(food falling out of his
mouth again)
With Skip that means no.
Skip slows down and looks at the street signs and
Mandy points to turn left.
SKIP
(acting tough)
Thanks Babe!
JEWEL
Can we stop and get something to eat before we get to the party?
SKIP
(SMILING)
Yeah, I'm kind of hungry too!
GRAY
Me too!
JEWEL
(Smiling)
Ok, which one of you guys, is making the
dog talk?
MANDY
(looking at Skip)
I don't believe it, Skips lips didn't move.
DOC
It wasn't me.
SKIP
(making a face)
I sure don't want you two to starve to death,
so where do you want to stop?
DOC
(drooling)
Burger King.
JEWEL
I like Carl's, is that ok with everybody?
SKIP
(acting tough)
Well we really don't have much of a choice,
because I'm stopping at the first greasy
spoon I see. By the way, why were you
hitching a ride in the middle of nowhere?
JEWEL
(looking at Skip)
Hey Bro, we were on a date with two ape men
and they turned wild on us. How old are you
two guys, thirtyish?
EXT. JUNIOR'S FAT BURGER DOWNTOWN - NIGHT
INT. ORDER AREA AND DINER'S TABLES
Doc and Skip are standing in line waiting to order.
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
We may be able to score with these two, so if they
ask you how old we are say late twenties.
DOC
Sure no problem, I'll buy this round.
SKIP
(making a face)
I don't believe how much you eat, one of these
days you're going to explode!
DOC
(drooling)
Don't look now Skip but one of your friends
just walked in.
Skip glances at the door and sees the two brothers
from the broken down gas station. They both get
in his line.
SKIP
(acting tough)
Hey Bro's, don't try anything funny in here.
BRO ONE
(VERY SURPRISED)
Hey white boy, we were just playing wit yous
back at the station, we don't want no trouble.
SKIP
(making a face)
Yeah, right, and don't mess with the two
ladies sitting down waiting for us.
BRO
HEY, we stay with our own kind. Let me introduce
myself, I'm Chas William's and my bro is Buster
Brown.
SKIP
(making a face)
How come you guys always have such screwed
up names.
DOC
(smiling)
I'm Doc Gaye and this is my cousin Skip Tracer.
CHAS
(laughing)
Talk about screwed up names.
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
Well we better order, Doc go ahead.
CHAS
(looking at Skip)
Hey Bro, I recognize on of those two babes
and your in deep shit!
SKIP
(making a face)
Why, is she wanted for murder?
CHAS
(laughing)
She belong to Blaster from the west side.
SKIP
Blaster from the west side, who is that?
CHAS
Yo, he belong to one of those outlaw biker clubs.
SKIP
(making a face)
I'm giving her a ride to a party, not going to marry her.
DOC
(smiling)
Blaster who belongs to the "Galloping
Goose's" of Santa Monica.
CHAS
(laughing)
That's the one?
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
How the hell would you know Doc?
DOC
(looking at Skip)
I belong to a Harley Club in Littlerock,
the "Hog Riders!
SKIP
(making a face)
Why am I not surprised!
CHAS
(laughing)
I have a cousin in that club. Name of
Milo The Bug?
SKIP
Milo?
DOC
(looking at Chas)
I know Milo, he's a big man about five
hundred pounds?
CHAS
That's the one, I think he's the only bro
in a white boys hog club.
SKIP
(making a face)
Doc, are you going to order, or are we
going to stay here and bullshit all night?
DOC
(smiling)
Milo is called the "Terminator", he sits
on you, your dead.
CHAS
(laughing)
Hey Doc it's been good talking to you.
Doc orders and they both walk over and sit
down with the ladies.
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
Milo The Bug, I can't frigging believe it.
MANDY
(looking at Skip)
Hey man, you know Chas?
SKIP
Why, is he wanted for murder?
MANDY
(laughing)
He just got out of the Jail-House last month, he
was serving five to seven for attempted murder.
SKIP
(looking at Mandy)
What about Blaster from the west side, do
you know him?
MANDY
(Making a face)
He's the ape, Jewel and I just got away from!
SKIP
(Upset and looking at Doc)
Well, here's another fine mess you got me
into Ollie!
DOC
(grimacing)
If He belongs to the "Galloping Goose's" of
Santa Monica, what would he be doing in
this neck of the woods.
JEWEL
(laughing)
He loves baseball!
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
Eat your three hamburgers so we can go.
CHAS
(leaving the diner)
Hey good luck with Blaster.
SKIP
(making a face)
Yeah, later.
JEWEL
(laughing)
Last time Blaster found Mandy with another
guy he drug him down Santa Monica Blvd.
Chained from his bike.
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
Why are you laughing, what I get you get!
DOC
The safest place to go is the party!
CUT TO:
EXT. EAST LOS ANGELES RESIDENTIAL AREA
INT. PARTY HOUSE
Doc and Skip are watching the party members
dancing and Doc sees a familiar face.
SKIP
Who you waving at?
DOC
Chapo from the Valley is here.
SKIP
(making a face)
Well wooptee frigging do!
DOC
(doing chill hand signs)
Don't look now Skip but here they come.
Skip looking uncomfortable when he sees all the
homeboys coming over to see them.
SKIP
(acting tough)
Hey Chapo, how you doing man,
hows it hanging man?
DOC
Hey bro's it's good to see you!
Krazy Louie told us to tell you hi.
CHAPO
Krazy Louie, he's as crazy as they come,
I heard he had a shoot out with the
"Galloping Gooses", I think he shot
Blaster's right hand man in the ass.
DOC
We brought Blasters girlfriend.
CHAPO
Hey homes, you and Skip have stainless steel
balls my friend, that Blaster is as crazy as they
come, if he catches you with his babe, he'll
probably cut your balls off, both of you.
SKIP
(acting tough)
Well, he has to catch us first.
JEWEL
(looking at Skip)
Hey Bro, Blaster won't have to look to far
he and his brothers just walked in the door.
DOC
(coughing)
Skip, maybe we should go.
SKIP
(looking at Blaster)
Well it's getting kind of late.
MANDY
Can you drop us off at home Skip I don't
want to stay any longer.
SKIP
(acting tough)
Chapo, is there a back door?
CHAPO
Hold it Bro, I'll cover for you.
MANDY
Oh, too late he just saw me, and here
he comes.
CHAPO
(looking at Skip)
Play along with this Homes, and maybe
I can save your life.
CHAPO
(Waving to Blaster)
Hey Blaster come over here for a minute I
want you to meet a friend of mine.
Blaster, a mountain of a man in his middle thirties who's
completely bald, and has his right thumb missing.
BLASTER
(Is tough)
Chapo, you old bean bandit, how you doing ese,
how many illegal's did you bring over the border
this morning?
CHAPO
Just your mama Blaster that's all, and you owe me
fifty bucks for bringing her across.
Blaster and Chapo have a good laugh and do some type
of a special handshake and spar a few rounds with each other.
CHAPO
(looking at Blaster)
I want you to meet two friends of mine, Skip and Doc.
BLASTER
You boys Hog riders, or ride those little Japanese toys?
SKIP
(acting tough)
I sold my hog, last year.
DOC
I have a hog but it's back in Littlerock.
BLASTER
Oh yeah, what club do you belong to?
DOC
"HOG RIDERS"!
BLASTER
Hog Riders!, hey man do you know the Pirate?
Blaster pulls out his wallet that is on a long silver chain,
and pulls out a picture and showing it to Doc.
BLASTER
(showing picture)
Look here Doc, there's Pirate mooning all the
wenches at our last cross country.
DOC
That's him, that's him.
Blaster and Doc are having a good time so Skip slips
out the back door. Blaster looks at Mandy and growls.
BLASTER
(growling)
Where did your buddy go Doc?
CHAPO
He told me he was going to take
a dump.
BLASTER
How did my old lady get here?
CHAPO
(acting tough)
My man Doc found her hitchhiking so
he brought her here.
BLASTER
Thanks Doc. She got pissed at me because I asked
her to be nice to my right hand man, because he's
nursing a butt wound right now and when I find
Krazy Louie he will have a very high voice when
I get done with him.
DOC
Well, got to go, nice meeting you Blaster when
I see the pirate I'll tell him you said hi.
BLASTER
The Gooses are having a Club meet this weekend,
your invited.
Doc goes out the side door and sees Skip waiting by the
car with the engine running.
SKIP
(Gunning engine)
Come on Doc, let's go before they change
their mind and kill us.
DOC
That Blaster is a real nice guy.
CUT TO:
Copyright 1997 by Rob Perry and NorthStarr Productions
All Rights Reserved