12-24/12-25 newsletter

This newsletter brought to you by Crowmistie! the best of MST3K
This newsletter is instead of the Friday/Saturday newsletter for this week

Episode 904 announced

People have been asking for the Brains to do more recent movies, and boy have they delivered! But more recent doesn't necessarily mean better, as evidenced by the choice for episode 904:

WEREWOLF (1996)
Color

Director:
Tony Zarindast

Cast:
Joe Estevez
Jules Desjarlais
R.C. Bates
Heidi Bjorn
Randall Oliver
Nena Belini
Tony Zarindast
Richard Lynch
George Rivero
Fred Cavalli
Adrianna Miles

VideoLog Summary from All Movie Guide:

In an isolated desert community, a terrifying power fueled by the full moon transforms ordinary men into extraordinary killing beasts. Beware the howl of the lycanthrope -- the werewolf.

DTV states:

During an excavation on sacred Native American land, modern-day archeologists make a horrible discovery. None of them can act! And they also find the remains of a werewolf. A very tiny werewolf, but a werewolf all the same. This is the setup for Tony Zarindast's unbelievably bad horror film -- a futile effort lacking any sense, style, frights, story or skin (absolutely no one has to worry about getting hairy palms from this dog of a wolf flick).

And 99 Lives says:

Plot in a nutshell: The skeleton of a werewolf is unearthed and an ancient Navajo legend about shape-shifting creatures is told. We quickly discover that a scratch from the werewolf's bones is deadly, as first a supporting character (Jules Desjarlais) is transformed, followed by good-guy Paul (Fred Cavalli). As it turns out, Lynch's character, Noel, and the scheming Yuri (George Rivero) are planning to use Paul to make their fortune by showing him to the world as a werewolf.

The reviewer goes on to give it a rating of 0.0 out a possible 5.0!

ANTIPODEAN MSTIES UNITE!

No, we aren't refering to fans with a grudge against episode 303. As the folks at Foster's Lager would be happy to tell you, "Antipodean" MSTies is Australian for, well, "Australian" MSTies. Believe it or not, they do exist. And one of their own brave number has taken it upon himself to organize the entire continent's worth of MST3K fans. So if you're one of those fortunate few who caught MST3K: The Movie during its brief run in that theater in Sydney, or you've been able to get a few episodes in PAL format smuggled across the Equator and are begging for more, then you really should get in contact with Bruce Probst. He'll email you back with a terrific monthly (more or less) newsletter containing info on MSTie gatherings in the land of Oz, the latest Rhino video releases, episode reviews and more!

You can contact Bruce at bprobst@ibm.net or 100372.1643@compuserve.com. And when you write to him, tell him that the Satellite News sent you. It won't impress him any...we just like the idea of people half way around the world talking about us!

MST3K:THE MOVIE AIRDATES

HBO 2:
Jan. 1 - 7:05AM EST
Jan. 13 - 6:30AM EST
Jan. 14 - 12:25AM EST
Jan. 31 - 3:30PM EST

HBO 3:
Jan. 4 - 10:45AM EST
Jan. 9 - 7AM EST
Jan. 22 - 8PM EST
Jan. 23 - 5:45AM EST
Jan. 28 - 6:30PM EST

Please Respond!!!

I am thinking about, on random days, giving info on random episodes like this, but PLEASE tell me if you like it or not so I know if to keep it, or get rid of it
#802: Leech Woman

This is a tender story of a man who despises his wife because she is perhaps slightly older than he'd like her to be; and the woman who downs hooch like Dylan Thomas because her husband despises her so much. It is also the story of an ancient woman from an unnamed African country who has found the fountain of youth coursing through the pineal gland of the male of the species. Further it is the story of the weenie lawyer with whom our heroine falls in love, and his weenie fiancée whose only redeeming quality is that she packs a Colt Panther. This sweeping epic takes us to a modest ranch home in, perhaps, Elmhurst, Illinois all the way to Griffith Park in LA, which completely and altogether passes for the breathtaking Kalahari. Along the way we se our white heroes immediately assume superiority over an ancient tribe, we see our heroine stabbing at the bases of skulls of countless men, we see that alas, the fountain of youth is always out of order and prone to backfiring, and that to be not beautiful and extremely young is to be hateful and evil. A lesson for our time. Highlights include several examples of the spiral cup bra.

Host Segments
Prologue: Intrepid Crow, worried about the Satellite's prairie dog problem, purchases a "Varmint Vac," which helps to keep the ship's beefalo herd from breaking their legs in prairie dog holes. Mike seems surprised that the Satellite has either prairie dogs or beefalo.

Segment One: At the urging of Mike and the 'Bots, Bobo, Peanut and their entire staff revert to their monkey-nature, wearing diapers, smoking huge cigars and roller skating, which we all know are natural and instinctive simian urges. Pearl, the Lawgiver, arrives in time to put a stop to it and hands out plenty of baby-wipees.

Segment Two: In a stirring and poignant scene, the nanites organize and strike against... well... other nanites, I guess, who seem to be their hard-hearted job bosses. After stirring speeches, the labor dispute is settled in the tradition of American free enterprise, with tanks and guns.

Segment Three: With the apes beginning to suspect that she may not be the lawgiver, Pearl enacts some importance laws, such as " no parking on Sundays" and "no soup with buffet." Servo reveals the seedy side of his missing five hundred years roaming the universe, which may or may not include several stops at peep shows. You be the judge.

Segment Four: Crow and Servo, enlightened by today's film, conspire to puncture Mike's pineal gland and extract the precious juice so they can live forever. They get really cheesed when Mike survives the assault, and they turn to Gypsy, proving once again that they haven't a clue.

Segment Five: Tom Servo, obsessed with screaming "Jeeeeeeeddddddddd!" at the top of his lungs, dresses as Irene Ryan in her epic role and forces Crow and Servo at gun-point to play-act The Beverly Hillbillies. Naturally, it backfires; naturally, Servo cries.

Reflections

I put it to you that it is well known that monkeys, apes and in fact most primates fling their poop, sometimes with considerable verve and with the style and accuracy of a Dennis Eckersley. But it's just not a proper topic to bring up in a family show like ours. So we continue to wrack our brains to demonstrate this tastefully. A word about monkey makeup: Imagine having latex house paint smeared all over your face, on your teeth and in your eyes, then highly toxic industrial adhesives applied, then an entire warm rotting beef liver pressed into the inch-thick layer of glue, then a wig made for a ten-year-old child squozen onto your skull, then being adorned with several layers of thick wool clothing before walking out into a stifling studio filled with ten-thousand watt lights so it's the temperature of a Kenner Easy-Bake Oven. Now, act! And be funny, dammit! Oh, I'm not griping. I mean it's a great role and a lot of fun to do. But my skin does have the texture of a cantaloupe. Okay, I guess I am griping.

- Kevin Murphy

Satuday's episode is...

818- Devil Doll
Channel- Sci-Fi
Time- 5p.m. and 11p.m. ET

Sound included...

The sound included in the Christmas special Crowmistie! Newsletter (which will replace the Friday/Saturday newsletter for this week) is MST3K7~3 which is a sound given to me by TomServo04@aol.com, it's a mix of the season 7 theme song and sounds from season 8, it's a cool download!!! Crowmistie@aol.com
Welcome to the Future
____________________________________________________________________
"I feel a disturbance, as though a million monkeys cried out at once, and then, were silenced" -Crow T. Robot

12-20 newsletter

Today's Episode

Today's broadcast episode on The Sci-Fi Channel is 817- HORROR OF PARTY BEACH, scheduled for 5pm and 11pm Eastern Time.

Episode Info

Prologue: Servo is a Gyuto Monk, and achieve multi-layers of his own chanting voice.
Segment One: Pearl and Observer must convince Callipygeas and Flavia they're gods, so Observer produces a spoon and then a bigger spoon. Flavia sees Pearl talking to the robots, and remarks on the average-looking man-god, the golden spider duck, and the squat crimson pig.
Segment Two: Mike's trunks that the 'bots made him for the "manly beach dance" are a trifle small.
Segment Three: Still trying to convince their hosts of their god-dom, Pearl and Observer make some old-fashioned hoe-down music. Observer begins talk-singing about "Beef!"
Segment Four: Impressed with the ever-changing newspaper headlines in the movie, Servo irritates Mike with his own version, with headlines reflecting what's happening at that moment.
Segment Five: Dressed as the Del-Aires, Mike and the 'bots sing of sodium. Flavia and Pearl insult each other, a lot and viciously.
Stinger: The dancing on the beach, with eyes drawn to semi-nude sinewy fellow.
Friday/Saturday newsletter

I have decided to revive the Friday/Saturday newsletter which will include

-Saturday's Episode and times
-Saturday's Episode info
-News of the week
-A special sound bonus (for those who can download it)
Season's Greetings from the Crowmistie! NEWSletter

This includes
-Christmas
-Hannakuah
-Kwanzaa
-People who worship a guy named Greg
-if you worship an abstract being
-Whatever the hell else you want to celebrate!
Crowmistie@aol.com
*Included in this e-mail is a sound, if you have a compatable ISP you can download it (all sounds are from MST3K)*
____________________________________________________________________
"I think Timmy is trying to kill Tom Servo!"- Crow T. Robot

12-10 newsletter

This newsletter is brought to you by Crowmistie! the best of MST3K

Episode 903 announced

The movie to be riffed in episode 903 will be:

The Puma Man (1980, Italian, made for television)

Original title: L'Uomo Puma

Directed by Alberto de Martino.

Starring: Donald Pleasence, Walter George Alton, Peter Cellier.

Internet Movie Database says:

Low-budget superhero flick about a young man given a mystical medallion by a South American shaman, in order to become a puma- empowered champion like his father before him. In trying to locate the young man initially, the shaman has the nasty habit of pushing candidates out windows to test them ("Nope, not him.")

VideoLog Summary from All Movie Guide says:

The villainous Dr. Kobras has managed to obtain a golden mask with the power to control the minds of all who gaze upon it. Only Puma Man can save the Earth from certain destruction.

Saturday's episode is...

Prince of Space
Channel- Sci-Fi (of course)
Time- 5pm and 11pm ET (also of course)
Crowmistie@aol.com
http://members.aol.com/crowmistie/
____________________________________________________________________
"crow@biteme.com" -Crow T. Robot

© 1997 crowmistie@aol.com

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