AWF Saturday Night #001
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New 6: Hey what's up Atherton!! Let's make some noise out there!!
XXX: N6, you stupid retard, it's Saturday night at Atherton, there's
nobody here.
New 6: Oh, oh yeah, you're right. So that means we can do whatever we
want!
(New 6 takes a leak on the gym floor)
XXX: Uh-oh, look who's here! It's the DOA, Dropouts of Atherton.
New 6: Great, Steve Leggewie and Tony Goodrich on bicycles. Hey look!
Some white trash has made it down to the seats. We have an audience
after all.
XXX: Well that's real good, because here come De-Atherton's
representative tag team to take on DOA!
Mud-Dog: Oh, you didn't know? Well, here's a quarter - go call somebody!
Ladies and gentlemen...
(He looks at the audience)
Mud-Dog: Uh, I mean, bitches and jerks, De-Atherton proudly presents
their Atherton Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions of the Big
Niiiiiiiiiiine - the Mud-Dog Mark Madden and the Big-Butt Irv King, the
New English Outlaws!!!!
Big-Butt: And if you don't like it, we got 3 words for ya - choke on
it!!
XXX: All right, let's get this party started right!
New 6: Uh, hey I'd really like to see this match too, but, well they
can't fight right now.
XXX: What are you talking about? Why can't they fight right now?
New 6: Well, remember when we took over this time slot from Comcast?
They didn't tell us how expensive it was to run a TV show, so I had to
sell some advertising time.
XXX: You idiot, this is public access! You know it doesn't cost us
anything!
New 6: Oh, oh yeah. Well, anyways, here's a paid political
advertisement.
(Geoffrey Feiger walks into the gym with a jock strap on his head)
Feiger: It's time!! It's time!! It's time!! It's Feiger
time!! Vote
for me on November 3rd!
New 6: Okay, now they can fight.
XXX: Okay NS, that was pretty cool after all. You're forgiven for the
delay. And now here it is, De-Atherton has brought you the match that
Pat Daly and Jimmy Bleau wouldn't even touch - DOA versus NEO!
Asia: Sweetie, the match has already started. It looks like Leggewie and
Goodrich are taking our beloved tag team out to the dumpster!
New 6: What the hell is going on? They can't do that to our boys!
XXX: You're right. They'll never fit in that dumpster with Sandborn and
Jaster already in it.
AWF Saturday Night #002
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XXX: It's Saturday Night!!! What are you gonna do about it?
New 6: Yeah buddy!! You know, XXX old buddy, a lot of people have come
up to me on the streets of this cruddy little town, and they all ask me.
They say New 6 buddy, why did you guys fire the New English Outlaws?
Who's gonna teach English to the kids now? And I tell them, hell this is
Atherton, who the hell needs English here?
XXX: You got that right. We're gonna have a party! We got rid of some
extra baggage.
New 6: Speaking of extra baggage, you seemed to have your hands full
last night on AWF. Not that I can blame you, with Asia still sick with
the flu.
XXX: You know something NS? Let's take a look back at that momentous
footage.
(Footage airs from AWF the night before)
XXX: Now let's bring out my latest squeeze, your exchange student, Tomo!
(Tomo starts coming out, but suddenly without warning some Cheap Trick
music starts playing)
New 6: My God, what kind of freak would listen to that?
(Summer Ransom comes out and elbows Tomo outta the way)
New 6: Hey, you gonna let her do that?
XXX: Why not? I already used her.
Summer: I'm so sick and tired of Vince McGorang and the good old boys at
Atherton only wanting one thing. I like people for what's inside.
XXX: I could get inside her.
Summer: So now let me introduce my new friends, the Freaks!
(The Freaks walk out. There's Verna, Onaluna, Ms. Engel, Nikki
Andritsis, James Stapleford in a cheerleader's outfit, and Bill
Laimbeer)
Laimbeer: We don't like having no friends! We will be friends for each
other. Atherton sucks!
New 6: Well, they got that right.
XXX: NS, I understand that tonight you're going to direct.
New 6: But I don't have the expertise and I didn't take the class.
XXX: Screw that! No one's in the truck anyway, Terry left a long time
ago.
New 6: Let's rip it! Time for a PSA.
(PSA airs. Cut back to the gym)
PA: It's time! It's time! It's Vader time!
XXX: What the hell is this? Why is everybody invading our show?
Mr. Vader: You boys need some discipline! You should enroll in my new
class!
XXX: We already graduated, you have no authority over us!
Mr. Vader: I don't care what you say, now that you boys fired Madden and
King, somebody needs to teach English. And that somebody is gonna be me!
(Suddenly more announcements from the PA)
PA: It's time! It's time! It's Feiger time!
Feiger: Vader, Vader, Vader, there is only room in this school for one
guy with a jock in his face! And since I lost the election, I'm now
unemployed and I need a job, so I will be that guy!
AWF Saturday Night #002
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XXX: It's Saturday Night!!! I'm your host XXX, like you didn't know.
Missing in action tonight is New 6. I don't know where he could be, but
he seemed a little depressed that Vince McGorang threatened to take over
our show. Anyway, here's footage from the last AWF Volleyball.
(Footage airs)
Leonkind (in tears): Glovo! Where are you? I need you Glovo!
(Back to Saturday Night. Regal Steve Timm has come out to the ring)
Regal: Hey XXX, where's that wussy little buddy of yours? I'm here to
accept his challenge and whip his ass!
(Suddenly Regal gets hit with a textbook from up above. Cameraman Russ
pans up to find New 6 up in the rafters!)
New 6: Take that! I don't need your stupid European Student award. I
don't need anything. I don't need XXX, I don't need Asia, and I sure as
hell don't need Leonkind! I don't need anything...except Glovo!
(New 6 holds out Glovo. Leonkind rushes out to the ring)
Leonkind: Glovo! Is that really you?
XXX: Oh my God, NS just went off the deep end. We better go to a PSA
till he gets his act together.
New 6: No we will NOT go to a PSA! I'm not through talking yet! I hate
you XXX! How come you get all the chicks? First it's Asia, then Tomo,
then Summer, then the hoes, but I don't even get any hand-me-downs! It's
not fair! I never score!!
XXX: So what are you saying? You wanna fight me?
New 6: No I don't wanna fight you! I just wanna be the one to break the
news to you. Asia's leaving you!
(The crowd gasps)
Leonkind: But what about Glovo?
New 6: Glovo and I are friends. And now we are leaving!
(New 6 drops to the ground on a rope, then runs away. Everybody just
stands and watches in shock)
XXX: What a freak! Maybe he should team up with Laimbeer and all those
other losers.
(Right on cue, Cheap Trick starts up)
XXX: Nikki Andritsis and Bill Laimbeer are ready for tag action...what
the hell? Apparently a new, or rather old, freak has joined the group.
(New guy grabs mic)
Tim "The Animal" Bearden: Me...English...teach...no. Me...freak!
Vince McGorang: Oh geez, who let in the trash? You people are not
wrestling! In fact, nothing's going on until that degenerate XXX gets
the hell away from MY announcing table!
XXX: Well come and get it, you weenie-mobile!
Vince: Oh I will, but not personally. I would rather have my corporate
students TEAR YOU APART!
(The Ray, Quiz, and Big Boss Feiger run out. XXX runs away)
The Ray: Now you pansy-asses listen up! We are now in control! I got the
student's choice, and it sure as hell ain' Folgers crystals! We have
recruited Quiz and Big Boss Feiger, and nobody, especially DA, will stop
us!
Big Boss Feiger: That's right, Ray! And now that DA has left the
premises, we can bring in our own announcers. Mr. McGorang, would you
please?
Vince: Of course, it would be my pleasure. But first, a couple of old
friends have asked, no, have begged me, to take them back. How about a
warm welcome for Mr. DuBois and Pat Patterson!
Mr. DuBois: Bring your car to DuBois Bros. Body Shop!
Pat Patterson (really Pat Daly in a white wig): Thank you Mr. McGorang.
Vince: All right, now here come the new AWF Saturday Night announcing
team, my son Shane, and Melissa "The Queen" Lawler!
(Shane and Queen take their place at the announcing table)
Queen: That Asia isn't a real queen, I'm the real queen!
Shane: Of course you are. So, do you have any idea what's going on here?
Queen: Of course not! I'm not a degenerate, I don't know what they had
in store for tonight's show.
Shane: Oh. Well, let's just sit back and see what happens.
(Superfreak starts playing. Mark FortenHenry comes out)
Mark: Asia, I know what you're thinking. After you realized XXX wasn't
enough man for you, you came to me, and I welcomed you into my lovin'
arms. And I loved you all night. Now I'm a big man, but LORD, you wore
me out! Asia, you are one sex machine. So I guess now you can call me
Sexual Caramel!
Queen: Oh my, this is repulsive!
Shane: I just received word that New 6 has been spotted out in the
parking lot. We now go there live with our roving cameraman, the
Magician.
(New 6 is in the parking lot, talking to Glovo. He has "Sock Me" written
on his forehead)
New 6: They can't fool me, they're not my friends, you're my only
friend, Leonkind would have just mishandled and molested you. I saved
you. I'm a hero!
XXX: NS, what the hell are you doing out here in the cold, talking to a
glove?
New 6: Stay back! I'm crazy!
XXX: Why? Is it because we lost the show? So what, we'll get another
show! We'll just have to go through the seminars again.
New 6: No, it's not that.
XXX: Is it because I get all the chicks? Well I don't have them anymore,
they all left me.
New 6: No, it's not that! Ever since Atherton's Brood covered me with
snot at that previously unmentioned house show last week, I've been
feeling weird. And I don't wanna be your friend, so stay back!
Leonkind: There you are! And there's my glove! Give him back!
XXX: NS, look out! He's got a knife!
New 6: I don't care! You're gonna die!
(New 6 throws Leonkind into the side of a school bus, then pries his
mouth open and sticks his tongue to the flagpole. Then he starts kicking
him)
New 6: I am the Hardcore Champion!!!!!