PINKY AND THE BRAIN - THE FINAL EPISODE
by Jennifer Lynn Weston
Opening Shot; Interior of Acme Labs, daytime. At the far end of the lab
counter, Brain busily types at a computer keyboard. In the foreground
Pinky, looking bored, links paper clips into a chain- something he’s
evidentially been doing for a while, for a pullback shot of the floor
shows the chain piled waist-high. Attaching a last clip, Pinky tosses it
aside and saunters over to Brain.)
PINKY: Don’t you want to take a break now, Brain? You’ve been at that
for a long time. And you know what they say: all work and no play makes
Jack... chop down doors with an ax. Or was it beanstalks...?
BRAIN: I can’t stop now, Pinky. This is a extremely detailed program- it
takes up so much K I’m having to transfer everything to that big
data-storage computer in the basement. But this plan is my best chance
yet, to Take Over the World!
PINKY: (sigh) That same old obsession. And without the amusingly
pretentious ad campaign...
(‘Data Capacity Reached’ appears on the screen. Brain hits the
‘Download’ button, continues typing.)
BRAIN: This is the last part... When I broadcast this
subliminal-suggestion signal over the global satellite-communication’s
network, it shall implant into the subconscious mind of every human
being, a powerful stimulus-responce mechanism. The sight of me shall
trigger an irresistible urge to ‘Adore and Obey’!
PINKY: Haven’t you tried something like that before...?
BRAIN: This is a vastly superior program! No need to wait for opportune
weather conditions or planetary alliances- we can beam it from the
transmission tower behind our lab, the moment it’s complete. (Presses
‘Download’ one last time.) That’s it! Come, Pinky- time to hook it up!
(Brain eagerly hurries off. Pinky follows, shrugging in an ‘I’ve got
nothing better to do’ manner.)
DISSOLVE TO: The base of the Radio tower, to which Pinky attaches the
grips of a long jumper cable. He threads the cable’s other end through
the basement window, slides down it, and clamps the other grips to
terminals at the back of a large computer. Pinky circles to the front of
the computer, where a maniacally smiling Brain is entering a last few
instructions. The monitor screen lights up; ‘Program Ready.’ Brain steps
to the side and grips a switch marked ‘Activate.’)
BRAIN: (wolfish) Here’s a moment to always remember, Pinky! All my
years of effort, come down to THIS!
(Brain slams down the switch. The big computer hums; a sparkling green
aura flows along the cable, up the length of the radio tower, and
straight into the sky.)
PINKY: (eyes widening appreciatively) Narf! Just like the Fifth of July!
CUT TO: View of an orbiting satellite being struck by the green beam.
The satellite promptly projects the beam to two adjacent satellites, who
send it to four more, etc. Pullback Shot of the entire Earth enmeshed in
a glittering green web.)
(Series of short vignettes, as the beam’s effects are felt all around
the world. Children playing with modeling clay smile as they shape it
into Brainesque forms. In a Japanese shopping mall, passers-by are
intrigued by the white mice displayed in a pet store window. At a
certain animation studio in Florida, the artists are suddenly
dissatisfied with the black-earred mice they’re drawing; they dip
brushes into white paint and give their pictures a new look. In Nigeria,
laboratory workers spontaneously turn loose all the experimental
rodents. On an isolated Polynesian atoll, a solitary carver
contemplating a wood block snaps his fingers as inspiration strikes him.
He quickly sketches a stylized image of Brain on a paper sheet, pins it
to a palm trunk, lifts a hammer and chisel, and happily gets to work.)
(Back at the lab, Brain switches off the computer. The humming stops and
green aura fades.)
BRAIN: That’s it. Now to test the results!
(The mice shimmy up the cable, hurry to the front sidewalk and commence
strolling up the street. Everybody catching sight of Brain exclaims in
delight. Skateboarding teens, posh cafe patrons, derelicts, a school
group viewing a monument, even a mugger and his intended victim, drop
whatever they’re doing to follow the mice.)
BRAIN: (gleefully looking back at the growing throng of admirers) My
plan is working, Pinky!
PINKY: (starting to get into the festive mood) I always wondered what
that would be like. Poit! It’s almost as much fun as tickling my ears
with a celery brush!
BRAIN: Pinky, your idea of fun is... (realizing he’s feeling too good to
care) Oh well, never mind!
(The reach a large park, their fawning entourage in tow. There the
‘Entertainment This Afternoon’ lady, in her usual sequin blazer, holds a
microphone before a man who looks a lot like Woody Allen. A filming crew
surrounds them, the camera’s ‘Live Feed’ panel prominently lighted.)
ETA LADY: This is Entertainment This Afternoon, coming to you live with
a rare on-the-street interview with... (just then, she notices Brain
walking by.) Who is *that*??!
(The interviewer and her filming crew take off after Brain. Allen is
affronted- until he sees whom they’re pursuing.)
ALLEN: Hey! Wait for me! (He hurries after them.)
(The ETA Lady manages to get in front of Brain, and extends the
microphone to him.)
ETA LADY: (as the camera films) May I know who you are, you
magnificently charismatic individual?
(Brain answers with great satisfaction. Quick shots of his televised
image being watched by various enthralled viewers- bikers in a bar,
Flemish folk in a general store, Katie Kaboom’s family in their living
room, Tibetan monks in their monastery, and Russian generals at the
Polit bureau [the latter subtitled in Cyrillic.])
BRAIN: I am The Brain- a laboratory mouse, genetically engineered for
Superior Intelligence. And this is my less-gifted, but worthy friend,
Pinky.
PINKY: (waving at camera) Hi, everybody!
BRAIN: I have spent years in preparation, making myself into the leader
this world so obviously needs. And now the time has finally arrived, for
me to come forward to offer myself, as your new Global Ruler! (The crowd
applauds.)
(The last audience shot is of the President of the United States,
regarding a set in the Oval Office, nodding agreement.)
PRESIDENT: Makes sense to me! (picks up a phone) Sally, could you
connect me with that little large-earred guy on the TV?
(In the Park, a dark-suited man with shades comes over to Brain and
hands him a cell phone.)
MAN IN BLACK: Mr. Brain? I have the President on the line for you- he’d
like you to take over his job.
(Brain reaches for the phone- but is momentarily delayed as Pinky grabs
his hand, shaking it vigorously.)
PINKY: Congratulations, Brain! You finally did it!!
BRAIN: (with a ruthless smile) This is just the first step, Pinky. From
here, we’re moving all the way to the Top! (taking the cell phone)
Greetings, Mr. Ex-President.
CUT TO: Series of newspapers spinning toward the screen- as each one
stops, we read the succession of headlines.)
HYPER-INTELLIGENT RODENT IS NEW CHIEF EXECUTIVE Polls Indicate 100%
Approval (Picture of Brain taking the Oath of Office, atop a tall
stack of phone books. Pinky looks like he’s about to topple off the
stack.)
PRESIDENT BRAIN ANNEXES CANADA, MEXICO, CENTRAL AND SOUTH AMERICA To
Great Acclaim Of Citizenries! (Picture of buisness-suited Brain
receiving applause from representatives of aforementioned regions. Pinky
does a headstand for the camera.)
PAN-PRESIDENT BRAIN ELECTED CHANCELLOR OF EUROPE, AFRICA AND AUSTRALIA
Vice-Pan-President Pinky declines post as UN General Secretary; “I Can’t
Type!” (Picture of Tuxedoed Brain receiving keys from a row of former
leaders from those continents. Pinky twirls the Australian key like a
parade baton.)
PAN-CHANCELLOR BRAIN PROCLAIMED RULER OF ALL ASIA Vice-Pan-Chancellor
Pinky Rescued from Minor Gastronomic Mishap (Picture of Brain, in a
formal silk tunic, exchanging bows with delegation of former Asian
rulers. Pinky is getting entangled in a bowl of noodles.)
PAN-RULER BRAIN AWARDED GOVERNORSHIP OF ANTARCTICA Vice-Pan-Ruler Pinky
Proclaims Natives “My Kind Of People!” (Picture of parka-clad Brain, on
a snowfield, shaking hands with similarly attired group of officials.
Pinky enthusiastically shakes flippers with a bemused penguin.)
EXALTED RULER BRAIN TO BE CROWNED EMPEROR OF THE PLANET!! (Picture of
Brain and Pinky jumping around excitedly.)
CUT TO: The Coronation, in an impressive palatial chamber, ringed with
TV cameras broadcasting the ceremony. Beaming dignitaries in attendance
include the former President, Momar Kaddaffi, Michael Jackson, the Pope,
Margaret Thatcher, the Warner siblings, Castro, George Lucas, Norman
Schwartzkoff, Cher, Michael Jordan, Yeltsin, and Sylvester Stallone.
Brain, clad in purple and ermine, stands proudly before a pedestal, upon
which sits a splendid jeweled crown. Pinky, in a decorated jacket
identical to Michael Jackson’s, stands behind him. Following the
Napoleonic tradition, Brain himself lifts the crown and places it on his
head. Trumpets sound, all the delegates cheer.)
DELEGATES: Hail, Brain! Hail Brain! Hail Brain!
PINKY: Hail Brain! Sleet Brain! Cloudy with chance of showers Brain!
(Brain smiles tolerantly)
BRAIN: And now, Pinky, I shall crown you! (Pinky shrinks back
apprehensively) No, Pinky- this kind of crown.
(Brain displays a golden circlet. Relieved, Pinky ducks his head to
receive it.)
BRAIN: You are now Sub-Emperor Pinky!
PINKY: Poit! Is that anything like a sub sandwich?
BRAIN: (completely happy) From now on, Pinky, it can be whatever you
want!
PINKY AND BRAIN: (giving each other resounding High Fours) YEESSS!!!
(All over the planet, huge crowds wave their arms, roaring approval. In
space, a passing UFO pauses to listen.)
MARTIN THE MARTIAN: My! Those Earthlings certainly are happy about
something! (The spaceship moves on.)
(DISSOLVE TO: Quickly intercut scenes of Brain’s Emperorship. Soundtrack
is Antonio Banderas, singing a variation of ‘High Flying, Adored’ [from
‘Evita’.] Throughout the montage, the singer himself pops up in various
guises [also a la ‘Evita’.])
(On the Acme Labs site, a huge office building is erected; World Rule
Corporate Headquarters. Brain cuts the ribbon at the official opening
[Banderas is in the formally-dressed crowd of attendees.] From his
opulently appointed Throne Room/ CEO Office, Brain issues his
world-improving orders, starting with a mandatory leash law for cats
[Banderas is among the people shown giving the reluctant tabbies their
walks.] Brain poises for a series of ‘Heroic Image’ paintings, very much
like the ones Jacques Louis David did of Napoleon [Banderas is one of
the artists.] Under Brain’s direction, a new phonetically-correct
‘English Dicshunaree’ is compiled and delivered to happy librarians
[Banderas, in a familiar brown uniform, acts as delivery man.] A
thousand statues of Brain are unveiled at prime sites all over the world
[Banderas, in Hawaiian shirt and camera, appears among a gaggle of
tourists admiring one such statue near the Eiffel Tower.] Every time we
see him, Brain looks a little less happy.)
(Another newspaper headline informs us, SUB-EMPEROR PINKY TO TOUR WORLD
ON FACT-FINDING MISSION! Clips show Pinky engaged in lots of
silly-willy activities; tasting the new bacon-flavored pencils at a
Brazilian factory, judging a watermelon-throwing competition on the
Great Wall of China and a porch-sweeping one on Yap, distributing dental
floss at a Chimpanzee Reserve in Kenya, taking the first ride on a giant
water slide in Moscow’s Red Square, trying out the entries in a
mashed-potato-castle-building contest in Ireland. But occasionally he
catches sight of a poster or statue of Brain, and sighs a lonely sigh.
Intercut shots of Brain being honored at any number of cheese banquets,
charity fund-raisers and dedication ceremonies, showing him gradually
tiring of the constant adulation.)
VOICE OF BANDERAS:
Ruler of the Earth!
So small, a minute King,
A furry large-earred thing,
Who guessed the Global Power would be
A megalomaniac genius and a mouse...?
You were an experiment,
Scowling and dreaming, striving and scheming,
Ruler of the Earth!
You claim you knew it was preordained that
All this would be yours-
That you’d become the Emperor Over All!
And you kept that belief though your failures hurt you so,
You were squashed, you were blown up,
And your friend was an irritant (da da da da, da da)
When you’re a mouse, several feet is quite a fall!
Ruler of the Earth!
What happens next, where do you go from here?
For one on Top of the World, the view is not precisely clear,
And rather sad, that it’s all accomplished now...
Where will the challenge be?
Nothing can thrill you, no task fulfill you,
Ruler of the Earth!
You worked for this, now you have to run it,
Choices to be made
Will take up every hour of your day!
You have so much approval, it’s quite old to you,
All your wishes are granted,
You have nothing to strive for now (da da da da, da da)
Did you not know World Rule would be this way...?
(The final shot is of a miserable-looking Brain on his throne, working
at a desk with papers piled high as his computer terminal. As the song
ends, he glances irritably to the side.)
BRAIN: (snappish) Remove that warbling Latino!
(Ralph the Security Guard firmly escorts Banderas out of the room. But
Brain’s relief is only partial. He punches up page after page on the
terminal, punching the ‘Approved’ or ‘Not Approved’ buttons, seemingly
at random. His tired gaze wanders towards a large picture on the wall;
the Earth, in a frame of golden hearts.)
BRAIN: (sighing deeply) When did it start to go wrong...?
RALPH: (stepping back into the office) Emperor Brain, Sir! Mr. Pinky has
just returned from his fact-finding mission!
BRAIN: (delighted) Send him right in!
(Even as Brain leaps to the floor, Pinky runs inside, wearing a
tee-shirt which reads ‘I Survived The Pinky World Tour!’ He and Brain
embrace joyfully.)
BRAIN: Did you have a good trip, Pinky?
PINKY: Ooh, yes, Brain! I just wish you could have been there! And I’ve
brought you lots of lovely souvenirs!
(Pinky’s aide enters, carrying two net shopping bags full of really
tacky-looking gift-shop items. Even this gets a rueful smile from
Brain.)
BRAIN: I’ll look at them later. (to both humans) You can go now.
(Ralph and Pinky’s aide step out. The mice sit side by side on a carpet
railing.)
BRAIN: I can’t express how good it is to see you again, Pinky. All the
while you were gone, I haven’t had a single enjoyable day.
PINKY: (concerned) You’ve been unhappy? What’s wrong?
BRAIN: Everything! I never anticipated that Absolute Power would involve
so many headaches! (rubbing his temples) Including literal ones- my
sinuses haven’t been clear for weeks. It’s true what they say; “Uneasy
lies the head which wears the Crown.”
PINKY: Then maybe you should take it off at bedtime.
BRAIN: (drearily) I wish it were that easy. (gestures toward paper
stacks on desk) When you’re the top authority, everybody has to get
final approval from you for everything. It never stops! There’s no time
to do anything else, or even to relax!
(Just then there’s a knock at the door. A pretty woman enters, bearing a
silver tray.)
WOMAN: Beloved Leader! I have brought you your mid-day repast!
(She turns the tray to display a delectable assortment of cheeses.
Pinky’s mouth waters, but Brain barely glances at them.)
BRAIN: (gesturing toward the floor) Just set it down and leave.
(The woman obeys, casting worshipful glances behind her as she goes, but
Brain pays no mind. Pinky is so startled by this indifference he forgets
the cheese.)
PINKY: (distressed) Why, Brain! Don’t you even enjoy the adulation of
the masses anymore?
BRAIN: I’ve discovered that acclaim is meaningless, when it’s
artificially induced. I have united humanity under me, but at the price
of turning them into robots. (looks pointedly to his friend) In all of
existence, Pinky, there’s only one person who likes me, for any reason
other then because they’ve been programmed to.
PINKY: (tearing up) Oh, Brain! That’s so *sad*!
BRAIN: Don’t I know it. I’ve worked so hard, so long, to get where I
am... and it’s turned out to be so burdensome, and so hollow...
(Brain folds his arms across his knees and buries his face in them.
Pinky, thinking harder then he ever has in his life, looks about the
room. He notices the oversized picture of Earth, and the heart-studded
frame.)
PINKY: (slowly) Brain, why did you want to become World Ruler in the
first place?
BRAIN: (muffled, head still down) Because I love the World, Pinky. You
know that.
PINKY: Well, remember what the song says? “If you love somebody, Set
them free.”
BRAIN: (looking up) “Set them free?” What do you...? (eyes widening as
he catches the implication) Are you suggesting that I should
*abdicate*?!
PINKY: No. I just thought you could give up being Emperor.
BRAIN: (standing, and striking a dramatic poise) I *can’t* do that,
Pinky! For the Planet’s sake, I must Rule! The entire human population
can no longer accept anybody but myself, as their Leader!
PINKY: We’ve still got that data-storage computer in the basement-
couldn’t you use it to reverse the programing?
(It’s a possibility that never occurred to Brain before; as he considers
it he visibly deflates.)
BRAIN: (stunned) Yes, I could do that... but, Pinky, if I do, I’ll lose
everything!!
PINKY: (standing and taking Brain’s hand) Oh, not *everything*, Brain.
You know you’ll still have me.
BRAIN: (still stunned) Yes. Always...
PINKY: Let’s get to work, then. (He leads Brain out. Brain follows as
though in a trance.)
DISSOLVE TO: Outside the building, where Pinky clips a top-quality
jumper cable to the base of an improved radio tower, threads the other
end through the upgraded basement window, and slides down after it. The
big computer looks the same as it did before. Pinky hooks the cable to
the terminals in back, and goes to the front, where a dazed Brain types
in the last instruction and pushes ‘Enter.’ The monitor screen lights
up; ‘Modified Program Ready.’)
BRAIN: (mechanically) It’s finished. This program will erase all memory
of us, and our rule, from every human mind on the planet.
PINKY: And did you rig the computer to self-destruct afterwards, so no
one will ever be able to use that subliminal thingee again?
BRAIN: Yes, I did that too...
PINKY: (somber) Then I guess, there’s only one thing left.
(They look to the same fateful ‘Activate’ switch. As Brain steps over to
it, Pinky moves to stand supportively behind him. But even as Brain
takes hold, his eye falls on a discarded newspaper on the floor. The
headline reads, BELOVED EMPEROR CROWNED!!, above a large photo of
Brain’s coronation. The happiest moment of his life... Brain’s lower
lip trembles, his feelings welling up.)
BRAIN: (anguished) World Rule is what I’ve worked for my whole life! My
One Dream!!
PINKY: (gently setting hands on Brain’s shoulders) But Brain, if ruling
the World hasn’t made you happy, then isn’t it time move on to the next
dream?
(Two tears well up; Brain impatiently swipes them away. Which eyes
clenched shut, he averts his face and slams the switch down.)
(Once more, the computer hums as the aura appears- orange now. Repeat
scenes of the sparkles flowing along the cable, to the top of the tower,
out into space, and springing from satellite to satellite. Pullback Shot
of the Earth enmeshed in a glittering orange web.)
(Series of vignettes, as the new program takes effect. Children playing
affectionately with ‘Brain’ toys are suddenly inclined to punch and
throw them around. Librarians gasp in horror, at the sight of the
‘Dikshunairees.’ Tourists looking at Brain statues can’t figure out what
they’re supposed to be. [“’Must be somethin’ by Picasso.”] On the
Polynesian atoll, the wood carver is happily chiseling the last bits
from his Brainesque sculpture, when he starts, as if seeing it for the
first time. Becoming angry, he holds his nose for a second, then seizes
an ax and chops the carving to splinters.)
(In the basement, Pinky draws Brain away as the big computer begins to
tremble and bleep. There’s a series of small explosions, the aura fades,
and the machine collapses into a smoking heap.)
(Upstairs, there is great hullabaloo throughout World Rule Corporate
Headquarters. The whole staff wonders aloud, what is this place and why
are they here, and what’s this weird-looking creature in all the wall
paintings? [“How grotesque- what a huge head!” “What’s he got behind his
back- a pink lightening bolt?”] In all the confusion, nobody notices as
a pair of forlorn-looking white mice make their way across the floor,
take a last sad glance backwards, and slip out through the mail slot.)
(Outside, it’s a windy overcast day. The few people on the streets
completely ignore the drifting mice. Only one being pays them any
attention; a large cat, eying them hungrily from behind a shop window.
Even this is a momentary relief... But the cat loses interest, curling
up for nap. Disappointed, the mice trudge on, shivering.)
(Eventually, Pinky and Brain pass the city limits and find themselves
aimlessly wandering across a barren plain, gray with fog, with leaves
and trash blowing about. The mice pause to take note of one paper pushed
up against a rock; a child’s crayon drawing of Brain, in regal robes,
standing atop a globe. ‘I Luv Emprer Brain’ is scrawled beneath. Brain
starts to reach for it, but a gust of wind pulls it loose. The mice
watch as the paper blows away out of sight.)
BRAIN: (bleakly) Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?
PINKY: (subdued) I think so, Brain. When you’ve spent years trying to
take over the world, and you finally succeed, and discover it isn’t what
you wanted after all, and give it all up... then what is there left to
do?
BRAIN: What, indeed.
(Brain looks upward. Low Angle Shot of the skies he contemplates, cloudy
but dramatically lit. Abruptly, Brain angrily raises both fists to the
firmament.)
BRAIN: (loudly demanding) WHERE IS THE NEXT DREAM??!!
(As the echo from that shout fades, the color scheme brightens, as
though the sun has come out. From behind them, seemingly from nowhere, a
pair of hands descends and gently scoops up the startled mice. Pinky and
Brain find themselves facing a friendly looking man with a brown beard,
glasses, and red baseball cap. A patch on his matching jacket reads
‘Steve’.)
STEVE: Hello, Brain. Hello, Pinky.
BRAIN: (surprised) You recognize us?
STEVE: Oh yes, I know you. And I have a place to take you where you’ll
always be cared for, and appreciated for what you are. Would you like to
come?
(The mice look at each other, shrug.)
BRAIN: Why not?
PINKY: Is it very far?
(Pullback shot as Steve turns away from the camera.)
STEVE: It isn’t far at all.
(Transferring the mice to one hand, Steve stretches out the other. The
mists ahead of them part, revealing a glowing castle on a hilltop. It’s
very like the one in the last scene of ‘Snow White’, except it has a
satellite dish, an escalator going up to the front door, and a big
‘Dreamworks’ banner flapping from a turret.)
(Show front view of Steve, with the awed mice, now bathed in golden
light.)
PINKY: (admiringly) Naarrff! I hope it has an exercise wheel!
BRAIN: (smiling hopefully) So *that’s* where the next dream is!
STEVE: We never run out of dreams here.
(Mice in hand, Steve steps onto the escalator. Pullback shot as they
begin the ascent to the castle, music swelling a la Disney.)
PINKY’S VO: Say, Brain! Does this mean we’re going to live happily ever
after?
BRAIN’S VO: Maybe so, Pinky. Let’s just see how the syndication deal
works out...
ANGELIC CHORUS: They’re Dinky, They’re Pinky And The Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain!
THE END
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