As far as we're concerned, we made captioning at the "Caption This!"
website an artform. We're also bold enough to make another daring statement,
that this "new Coke" will never catch on.
Our world is a daring and wacky one, filled with ugly evils like
NAMBLA, infomecial hucksters, Gwar rapists, and Spice Girls. But we manage
to have fun anyway. We invented ways of dealing with harsh reality--avoidance!
All-encompassing Government Training Films, confusing Plum Fairies, bizarre
insurance that covers just about everything, sex-starved pastors, and tons
of freaks who just want to be your friend.
We may have been the first serious group of caption kids, or maybe
not. But we've made it our own... time to meet the gang that all nobody
is talking about!
Jazzsoda
The group’s Salvador Dali. One of the first Captioneers and still
a common weekend sight for tourists and passers-through. Some new folks
may worry they can’t caption like he does--the real time to worry is when
you start captioning like he does. Step away from the keyboard and
seek help immediately. Strengths: Best shot at captioning the uncaptionable,
odd-looking photo. Weaknesses: East coast/west coast time differential
guarantees Kolchak is now out of reach.
JoeCrow
Often rough and abrasive, but that’s his good qualities. Also an
elder capsmen, from the earliest days of the CT!, dating back to February
of 1997. Usually the one say the things that make the guys on the highest
horse laugh in spite of their snooty asses. Think New Jersey. Yeah, that’s
JoeCrow. Strengths: Stillshots with guys in precarious positions. Weaknesses:
Frequently disappears on Saturday nights, spends the week recovering.
GuloGulo
The Dark Captioneer. Has a somewhat black sense of humor, through
no one’s fault, but it’s really how we tell him apart from everyone else.
Hides in the shadows then sneaks out to slip in obscure porn references.
From the earliest days of captioning he was there, being a GuloGulo, and
doesn’t show any signs of stopping. Strengths: Range! Goes from Jean-Paul
Sarte-type philosophy to pure smut in 0.2 captions flat. Weaknesses: Frightens
small Captioneers when he’s trying to be friendly. Misunderstood.
rogeemoto
For the longest time, the Captioneer everybody knew of but
knew nothing about! Maybe started before everybody else, but doesn’t bother
letting anyone know. Pulls some obscure stuff out of nowhere at the last
minute just when it feels like the gang is getting cornered--Archie is
deadly weapon. Vanished for a long time, but came back with a vengeance!
So far he’s been capping pretty silly like always, no telling where he
put that vengeance. Strengths: Not afraid of a pun, especially good at
sight gags. Weaknesses: No scheduling this guy, show’s up when he show’s
up, leaves when he leaves!
Artanas
Makes dementia funny again! Could also be called “Old Reliable,”
just in as much as he’s guaranteed when the Captioneers start showing up
to be there. Of course, he’s not that old and probably not really that
reliable, but you’ll have to take that up with him. Loves tearing the phoney
faces off twisted demonic toys like Don Lapre and Carleton Sheets, much
like the good guys tore the faces off the lizard people in V. Strengths:
Consistency like no one else. Funny from the first cap to the last, always
takes a nothing day and suddenly makes it all worthwhile. Or if not that,
at least keeps it from being boring. Weaknesses: Can only take so much
evil before having to retreat to dreamland for a recharging. That’s what
it takes to be the iron man of the group.
Occupant
Residential resident. Uses his unindividualistic name as his individualistic
calling card. So popular his mail arrives at every home (sorry, old joke
I’ve been using for months). Always comes running to aid the captioning
cause, and is often there on the late shift keeping the forces of evil
intact. Strengths: Has frequent golden streaks of non-stop laugh caps,
also better at socking it to Don (Corleone) Lapre than anyone else. Weaknesses:
Wicked server craps out when he really needs it.
Shifter
Showed up mysteriously one night with forces weakened and forged
his humor in the pits of fire known as the infomerical block from 6-9 a.m.
on the weekends. So good he somehow managed to parasite his "website" onto
Jazzsoda’s. Since Jazz has reported no loss in health to his site, relationship
may be only commensal. Strengths: Altered States-style caps with one chap
growing out of another or such. Weaknesses: Has reportedly already died
once, making him very likely undependable, since death leaves one with
a predisposition towards dying.
keogh
The latest of the reliable batch of Captioneers, in that you’re
likely to see them some time during the weekends. Cynical reality humor
grows exponentially, leaving us to believe keogh will dwarf the rest of
us and make us utterly despise the guy within a few short months. Never
seems to have an off-night. Strengths: Can actually whup George Foreman!
(On the screen, of course, in real life he’d probably be pounded into keogh
pudding). Weaknesses: Attracts the worst screengrabs available like a Kennedy
to an open bar.
bosko
The movie star. Lively fan of Seinfeld and Kids in the Hall, almost
always guaranteed to come up with caps no one will duplicate, whenever
he can tear himself away from his decadent Hollywood lifestyle. Doesn’t
usually join the threads like the Govt. Training Films or Ned "Crazyshitferbrains"
Nedmiller, but can sock it to the Juiceman like no one else but GuloGulo
can. Strengths: Has bosko power! Weaknesses: Has disappeared, may be suicidal
after the loss of "Seinfeld".
TravisBickle
The New Messiah. Godfather of the Captioneers, a welcome sight
on the CT! whenever he’s not being shot at by local heavyweights trying
to rub him out. Much like bosko in that he has his own style, not likely
to be duplicated by anyone else. Has a death cult, kind of nice to have
when the chips are down. Strengths: Incredibly arcane TV, movie, and literary
references that seem to come out of nowhere. Weaknesses: Incredibly arcane
TV, movie, and literary references that seem to come out of nowhere.
AgentQ
Secret agent man. Uses no far-fetched weapons or high-speed vehicles,
only a pencil-sharp wit and ... probably a computer of some kind. A formidable
and reliable force in captioning, until the Queen repossessed his IBM in
the name of summer recess, so AgentQ’s been off solving crime in the summertime
(ooh-lah) while waiting to return to his front as a college student who
spends too much time in the computer lab. Strengths: Never at a loss for
words. Weaknesses: Frequently as a loss for something to type them on.
E_B_A
Hip-hop hellraiser. Admittedly late to the game, compared to the
others, but has since tried to make up for lost time by spending every
available moment gathering Captioneer knowledge like a Rodney-Dangerfield-"Back-to-School"
cram session and paying dues against the cold Retro TV bastards. Strengths:
Sure makes black and white TV interesting again. Weaknesses: Seldom sticks
around till infomercial hellbeasts come out, which as anyone can tell you,
is when you really need a wiseacre.
Seltaeb
The one to watch--quickly made a big impact on the gang and managed
to gain official "Captioneer" status in a real short time, which, anyone
who is a Captioneer will tell you, is not easy. Although no one really
cares in the long run, so time might have been spent better elsewhere...
oh, well. Strengths: Historian! Great knowledge of the Beatles (as if you
couldn't figure that out) and even the old Allan Havey show on the Comedy
Channel. The what? Weaknesses: Don't know. Maybe like Green Lantern, some
silly weakness, can't caption yellow or something. We'll see in the long
run, right?
Hippie
And my name’s Max, I take care of them! Actually, I collect their
best comments, and then flood too many of mine in with them when I put
up my (almost) weekly Caption This! Gallery. Started typing some comments
because, hell, it was there, and from there it grew into a grapevine of
characters, evil and good, and some a bit indiscernible from either. Strengths:
Gets by with a little help from his friends. Weaknesses: Narcissistic gallery
makes him a likely candidate for early fragging on a dark captioning night.
