“Face it, if crime did not pay,
there would be very few criminals.”
-Laughton Lewis Burdock

Darkwing Duck looked at SHUSH scientist Sara Bellum in disbelief. “You want me to do WHAT?” The dark haired woman smiled.

“Simply take this iguana and allow me to do some tests involving cranial capacity.” Darkwing looked at his sidekick, Launchpad McQuack, who looked slightly sick at the possibility of switching brains with a lizard.

“Let me get this straight.” Darkwing was beginning to get seriously annoyed.”You want me, Darkwing Duck, one of the greatest crime fighters of all time, to try to put MY mind in a-a REPTILE’S BODY?” Sara smiled again, oblivious to his mounting anger.

“You got it.” Darkwing scowled and gritted his teeth.

“No way. No can do. Absolutely no possible way. Dream on. Forget it. No, no, no, and no. And also NO!”

“No need to shout about it.” Dr. Bellum sighed. “Perhaps the janitor would consider it.” Darkwing exchanged glances with Launchpad.

“Well doctor, if that’ll be all....” Sara Bellum barely glanced up from her work to nod at them. “Well, then. To the Ratcatcher! We’ve got evildoers to thwart! Cons to collar! Videos to drop off before the eight o’clock deadline! Midnight snacks to-”

“Oh, shut up.”At the sound of the new voice, Darkwing instantly dropped into a Quack Fu stance.

“Who said that?” Darkwing cast his analytical gaze around the room, searching for the speaker. A muscular male duck stepped out into into the lab, an amused expression on his face.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Darkwing Duck.” The man laughed cynically. “You’re shorter than I remember you being.” Darkwing eyed him.

“I don’t believe we’ve met.” he said suspiciously, gesturing for Launchpad to take Dr. Bellum to safety. The doctor looked up in surprise as Launchpad silently moved to escort her out.

“Hold it right there.” The man held up a small, but deadly looking, gun. “ I imagine the president would be very interested in the three of you. Pity I have to kill you now. Really-you could present a rather large problem for me.”

Darkwing moved faster than the man had obviously expected. The shocked expression on his face made that clear as Darkwing wrestled the gun away from his hand and pinned him to the ground.

“RUN!” Darkwing shouted at Launchpad and Sara, who were still standing with their hands in the air. Sara bolted for the door, but Launchpad grabbed the man’s flailing wrist and slammed it against the wall.

“You know, I don’t know about you, DW, but I really hate it when guys try to kill me. Especially when I haven’t done a thing to them.” Launchpad grinned as the man angrily struggled against his powerful grip. “Give it up, pal. You’re no match for Darkwing Duck and his sidekick, Launchpad McQuack!” The man coolly smiled.

“When I get through with you, you sure won’t be smiling pal! For i am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the surprise in your cereal box! I am Daaaaaaarking Duck!”

“You don’t say.” Five heavily armed men, led by a tall, red haired one who held a gun against Dr. Bellum’s head, entered the room.”Why don’t you put him down, Mr. Duck?” Darkwing and Launchpad exchanged a “It’s totally hopeless” look and released the man they had been holding.

“Drop your weapon,” the man holding Sara ordered. “Do it now, or I’ll laugh when her brains get blown out.” Darkwing slowly reached into his coat, pulled out his gas gun, and set it on the floor. “Hands up.” He let go Sara and handed her to the nearest guard. “Stand up,” he said, gesturing with his weapon toward the door. ”Move.” The man that Darkwing and Launchpad had been holding frowned at the red haired one.

“And just what do you think you’re doing, Agent Muddlefoot? I am in command here.” Darkwing shot a glance at Launchpad, who looked equally confused.

“Uh, excuse me,” Darkwing tactfully began.

“Shut up!” The first man glared at Agent Muddlefoot, who was Tank? Honker? Herb???Some other Muddlefoot? ”Need I remind you who is the President’s right hand? Last time I checked, it wasn’t you.” Agent Muddlefoot fumed at the reprimand, but stepped aside to allow the man to take control.

“That’s better.” The remaining guards moved to slap handcuffs on Darkwing and Launchpad as the man adjusted his vest. “I’m afraid I haven’t introduced myself and my colleagues. I am Lord Xavier of Emerald Transport Systems and this is Agent Muddlefoot, head of security, and these, ”he paused to wave a hand at the heavily armed guards, “are my bodyguards. And you, I presume, are Darkwing Duck, and Launchpad McQuack, the famous duo.” Darkwing’s chest puffed slightly at his comment, but sank back down at his next words.

“Kill them.” Agent Muddlefoot stepped forward.

“What!? Are you crazy? The president said-” Dr. Xavier turned slightly to look him in the eye.

“Do not concern yourself with her wishes,” Dr. Xavier said icily. “These two are the one thing that could bring our empire to its knees. Do you wish for that to happen?”

“NO!” he protested. “But, she ordered us to-” Dr. Xavier raised his gun and shot Muddlefoot in the chest. Almost daintily, he blew away the smoke that spiraled from the top of the weapon. “Any other objections?” The room fell completely silent. Darkwing swallowed. “Good. Now, set up the detonators and meet back at the time machine in five minutes. And not a word of this is to be breathed to the president. Understood?” The men quickly moved out, training their guns on Darkwing while placing timed grenades around the room. A heavyset guard efficiently bound and gagged the heroic pair with extremely strong rope and tape as the rest finished up. Darkwing looked at them, silently pleading, realizing that he was closer to death than he’d ever been before. Ignoring his desperate look, the men filed out. Next to Darkwing, Launchpad struggled against his bonds, mumbling through the tape. Darkwing searched the room with his eyes, looking for a means of escape.

My gas gun! he thought, motioning toward the fallen firearm. Launchpad and Darkwing threw themselves toward it, striving to reach it before the bombs could explode. But before they could reach it, Agent Muddlefoot rose up woozily, shaking his head in confusion. His eyes widened when he saw the explosives planted around the room.

“Wow, he’s not taking any chances, is he? Too bad he forgot to remove me of the abort function.” He carefully pulled out a control pad and entered a command. Patting his bulletproof vest, which had become visible after the bullets had ripped his coat up, Muddlefoot mischievously grinned at them both. “And too bad that he forgot that I don’t trust him one bit. Apparently, neither should the president” He moved to untie them both. Darkwing spat out the remains of the tape that had managed to become embedded in his teeth.

“Is there, oh, any possible way you could explain WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?” Darkwing Duck was not happy with the sudden turn of events, and judging from the look on his sidekick’s face, neither was Launchpad McQuack. “And who are you, who is this president that everyone keeps talking about, who were those people, and what the heck is the Emerald Systems Transport?”

“Yeah,” Launchpad added.

“Launchpaaaaad, you’re not helping!” Muddlefoot, who had remained quiet through their mini argument, grinned again.

“I can see,” he said, gaining a serious expression,”that we have a lot to talk about. But do you think we can do it some other time? Like, oh, say, thirty years from now?” Darkwing’s eyes nearly popped out of his head.


“Thirty years! Are you nuts! I’m not going anywhere, especially not thirty years into the future!” Muddlefoot pulled out a silvery revolver and aimed it at the two of them.

“Oh, I think you are. I really do.”