Rapunzel - Phoenix Style
By Phoenix
Disclaimer:
Okay, here is another one of my warped fairy tales. I hope y'all like it. Oh,
and I don't own Voltron. Like y'all
don't know that already...SHEESH!
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Once
upon a time there was a man (Lance) and his wife (Keith) who were very lonely
because they had no child...
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Lance:
*snorts* Gee...I wonder why they had no child...
Phoenix:
*sighs* Don't bug me with details.
Besides...Keith has been pregnant once already.
Lance:
*blinks* Oh yeah...I forgot....
Phoenix: In fact, I think you had one too.
Lance:
Shut up! I wanted to forget about that
one!
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One
day as the wife stood at her window, she happened to glance over the wall into
the neighboring garden and saw a bed of fine green rampion...
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Keith:
Um...what is rampion?
Phoenix:
*pulls out dictionary* It is a variety of European bellflower with thick,
fleshy, white roots that are used in salads...
Keith:
Oh...so other words, you have no clue either.
Phoenix:
Nope!
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Any
way, it looked so yummy and tasty that she longed to eat some. However, since the garden belonged to a
nasty old witch, she would never be able to get some. So everyday the wife would stare longingly at the rampion with
her mouth watering...
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Keith:
Um...Why would I do that for a plant I've never heard of?
Phoenix:
Just do it! Pretend it is Lance instead
of rampion.
Keith:
*drools as Lance walks by*
Phoenix:
*sighs* You are so pathetic! But that
will work...
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Finally
no food would do. She would just push
her food away and go gaze at the rampion.
She became so weak and pale from lack of food that her husband worried
for her life.
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Pidge:
*snickers* Keith gets that way when he doesn't get sex every day.
Phoenix:
*falls over laughing while Keith and Lance blush*
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Finally,
the husband couldn't take anymore and decided to get some rampion for his
beloved wife. So one night he climbed
over the wall and hastily snatched a handful of rampion. He gave it to his wife who happily made a
salad and gobbled it down greedily.
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Keith:
*whines* I don't want to eat it! I hate
vegetables!
Phoenix:
*sighs* Fine! Instead of rampion, eat
candy canes!
Hunk:
*blinks* Um...this isn't Candy Land.
Candy canes don't grow from the ground.
Phoenix:
*growls and pulls out a machete* What was that?
Hunk:
*pales* THEY CAN! THEY CAN!
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These
candy canes were so good that her desire became three times greater than
before! Her husband had no choice but
to go get more.
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Lance:
*mumbles* He must be PMSing again.
Keith:
*growls and pulls out his switchblade*
Phoenix:
KEITH! BEHAVE! Ya can kill him after the story!
Keith
sits down and grins evilly. Lance hides
under the bed.
%%%%%
Once
more the husband climbed over the wall, but luck wasn't with him this
time. The witch was waiting for him and
she was very angry.
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Haggar:
Yeah! I get a part!
Phoenix:
Nope! Sven is the witch this time.
Sven:
O.O WHAT???
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The
witch yelled at the poor man. "How
dare you come into my garden like a thief and steal my rampion...um candy
canes! Evil shall befall you for this!
"Alas!" The man pleaded. "My stupid wife saw the...candy canes...and being the greedy
pig she is, will die without your candy canes!
Pray be merciful!"
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Keith:
*glares angrily at Lance* You are so dead!
Lance:
*whines* But I'm only reading my lines!
Phoenix:
Um...those weren't the lines.
Lance:
They weren't? *looks at script* Uh oh.
Sven:
*snorts* At least you aren't the witch.
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The
witch smirked. "Very well. Take as much as you'd like at any time. But for my generosity, you must give me your
first child. Do not fear for the
child's safety, as I will tend it like a mother."
Fearing
the witch more than his beloved wife (if that is even possible), the poor man
agreed. When their first child was
born, the witch appeared immediately to claim it. She gave the baby the name of Rapunzel and took it away with her.
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Sven:
Um...why would I want a bratty kid?
Phoenix:
*shrugs* Good question. Um...*glances
around*...where did Keith and Lance go?
Sven:
Oh. The last time I saw them, Keith was
chasing Lance out the door.
Phoenix: Oh.
When was the last time Keith had sex?
Sven:
*frowns and thinks for a moment* Night before last.
Phoenix:
*rolls eyes* No wonder he is so bitchy today.
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Rapunzel
became the loveliest child that the sun had ever shone upon. When she was only twelve her beauty was so
remarkable that the jealous witch locked her away in a tall tower.
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Hunk:
*grumbles* Stingy old bitch!
Sven:
*smirks as Pidge parades by in a long dress, shaking his hips* Can you blame
me?
Hunk:
*eyes bug out and drools insanely* Nope!
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There
were no doors and only one window in the tower. So when the witch desired to enter, she would stand beneath the
window and cry, "Rapunzel!
Rapunzel! Let down your hair!"
Now,
Rapunzel had a hell of a lot of hair that was as bright and fine as gold. Whenever she heard the witch call, she would
unbound her tresses and let them fall from the window. The witch would then climb up to the
tower...
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Pidge:
*falls out of the window* AAAAHHHH!!
Phoenix:
*blinks* Why the hell did ya do that?
Pidge:
*pops his bones back into place* Of course I fell out! Sven is so much bigger then me!
Phoenix:
*snorts* Tie your hair to the bed or something!
Pidge:
*blinks* Oh! Good idea!
Phoenix:
*sighs and rubs her eyes* Twit!
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After
two or three years (it took that long for Pidge to master not falling out of
the window), a king's son passed by the tower while riding through the
wood. Again, like all other princes who
don't have a life, he was dressed for a stupid ball and wandering around in the
woods. Why the hell do all fairy tales
have princes like that? Who in their
right mind would want to marry such a dead beat?
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VF:
PHOENIX!
Phoenix:
*sheepish grin* Oops! Sorry about
that. I guess I got carried away.
Pidge:
*mumbles* I wish she would get
carried away.
Phoenix:
*glares* I heard that!
Pidge:
O.O OOPS!
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ANYWAY...the
stupid prince heard someone singing so beautifully (*snorts*) that he had to
find out where that lovely sound was coming from. He finally found the tower after several hours of more wandering
since that seems to be all that fairy tale princes can do for a living and
searched in vain for a way to reach the singer. With a heavy heart and no brains, he rode home vowing to return
every day until he discovered a way to get inside.
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Phoenix:
*snorts* Ya'd think he would bring a ladder.
Sven:
*sighs* Drop it Phoenix. By the
way...who's the prince?
Phoenix:
Oh, Hunk of course.
Hunk:
Cool! *mumbles* I'm not stupid.
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One
day while standing behind a tree, he saw the witch approach and heard the
words: "Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair!" The golden locks came down and the witch
climbed up. Moaning and other sounds
soon followed.
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Hunk:
O.O What are they doing up there?
Phoenix:
*snorts* What do you think, considering this bunch of wackos?
Hunk:
*gasps and then whispers* Are they doing the...um...you know?
Phoenix:
Yes! I thought you said you weren't
stupid?
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Quickly
figuring out that two plus two did not make five, the prince left only to
return the next day as it began to grow dark.
Copying what the witch had done, the prince called for the locks. Instantly, the hair fell down and the prince
quickly climbed up.
Rapunzel
was shocked and shrank back with terror when she saw the prince. However, she quickly recovered and
immediately tackled the man. Soon more
moaning and other interesting sounds followed.
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Phoenix:
*sighs* What is the deal? Is everyone
here sex deprived?
VF:
YES!
Phoenix:
I give up! I'm surrounded by horny
gays. *bangs head on keyboard*
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The
prince had so much fun that he decided to make Rapunzel his bride. He returned every night, bringing with him a
silken cord, which Rapunzel twisted into a ladder so that she could escape when
it was ready.
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Phoenix:
*groans* Ya'd think he would just bring a rope!
Pidge:
*smirks* I guess I fucked his brains out!
Phoenix:
*rolls eyes* If he had any brains to fuck out in the first place!
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This
went on for several days without the witch ever knowing. Then one day, Rapunzel slipped and asked,
"Good Mother, why are you so blasted heavy? The prince is so much larger than you yet he climbs up
faster."
The
witch was furious! "You little
whore! How dare you cheat on
me?" In anger, she grabbed
Rapunzel by the hair and quickly cut off all her lovely hair. Then she put a chastity belt on Rapunzel and
took her into a desert, leaving her to wander about alone without the key to
remove the belt.
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Lance:
*gasps* A chastity belt! That is beyond
cruel! It's inhumane!
Phoenix:
*evil smirk* That is what he gets for pissing me off earlier!
Pidge:
*whimpers*
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That
evening, the witch bound Rapunzel's locks together into a rope and waited for
the poor prince. When the young prince
called, the witch let down the hair.
The prince quickly climbed up, only to discover an angry old witch...who
tackled the poor man. Again there was
much moaning...
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Phoenix:
*drops head into hands* Can't y'all act in one story without having sex?
Keith:
*thinks for a moment* I don't think so.
Guys?
Lance:
Nope!
Sven:
No.
Pidge:
Ditto.
Hunk:
Hell no!
Phoenix:
*groans* Fine! We'll do it your way!
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Having
whatever brains the prince had left fucked out, the prince took the witch back
to his kingdom where they all lived happily ever after.
THE END
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Pidge:
*whines* What about me?
Phoenix:
*snorts* What about you?
Lance:
Please Phoenix. He really didn't mean
to piss you off.
Sven:
*nods* Have some mercy. Besides, though
I like the ending that is not how the tale really ended.
Phoenix:
*sighs and tries unsuccessfully to kick off a clinging and crying Pidge off her
leg* I guess I can let that remark slip...this time.
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Taking
pity on the wandering whore, the witch decided to go find Rapunzel and bring
her back to the castle. Together, the
three of them created the Rampion Gay Bar where Rapunzel sang, the prince
stripped dance, and the witch created and passed out drinks. They made a fortune and all lived happily
ever after.
THE END - REALLY!
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Pidge:
*falls on knees* THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!
Phoenix:
*sighs* You're welcome.
Keith
and Lance: Can we go to that bar?
Phoenix:
Go. *guys leave yelling happily* I'm such a softy. But at least I have cameras set up at that bar. *evil grin*
Owari
^_~