Title: WOOZ (Twisted Fairy Tale –Wizard Of Oz)
Warnings: seriously twisted
Once upon a time, not so long ago, in a small town in
~` ~`
Keith: first off I am boy not a girl and secondly the
name is KEITH.
Yeah fine I’ll grant you that one.
~` ~`
There lived a boy named Keith. He was very happy on the farm where he lived with his aunt and uncle, but the boy was a dreamer always wanting to explore new and exciting places. Wherever Keith went he took his loyal and faithful dog Toto.
~` ~`
Pidge: You seem to be having trouble with the names today. It’s Pidge and I am a young man not a dog.
Whatever. You are still
wearing a collar and have floppy ears.
Pidge: Um…
Don’t complain or I will turn you into a dog.
Pidge: I wasn’t going to
complain.
Good. Now as I was saying…
~` ~`
Wherever Keith went he took his loyal and faithful dog-like-boy, Pidge, with him. And on one such day he was riding his bicycle, with his faithful companion Pidge sitting in the basket on the front of the bike. Pidge was dressed in black furry clothing and had a bright red collar on. And Keith was dressed in a blue plaid shirt and a pair of tight faded blue jeans and his white go-go boots. When suddenly a storm appeared out of nowhere.
“Oh dear, Pidge, I do think it is going to storm.” Keith said.
“No shit Sherlock. So get peddling before we both get wet.” Pidge said.
“Why do you do the fucking peddling for once?” Keith complained.
“Because I am a dog-like-boy and dog-like-boys can’t peddle a bike.” Pidge said with a smirk.
“Fine.” Keith grumbled and began to peddle faster towards home.
Finally of much peddling that made poor little Keith tired and sore he arrived at the farmhouse. Leaving his bike under the tree he ran inside with Pidge on his heels.
“Auntie Em, Auntie Em there’s a storm coming Auntie Em!” Keith called out.
~` ~`
Keith: Oh please I so do not talk like that. Can’t I just talk normal?
Hmm…nope.
~` ~`
Keith was surprised to find Auntie Em was no where to be found. “Where could she be? I am so worried about her, Pidge.”
“She’s probably out playing bingo.” Pidge said.
“Playing bingo?” Keith questioned, totally aghast at the suggestion his dear Auntie Em would do such a thing.
“Yeah bingo. She goes every day you twit.” Pidge said.
~` ~`
Keith: Can I have a cat instead of this annoying dogboy?
No.
Keith: But he’s mean. Can I at least take him to the pound?
Pidge: HEY! I am just reading my lines you baka.
Keith: You’re the baka!
Enough. Just shut an behave or I’ll tie you up and make you watch Barney videos.
Keith & Pidge: EEP!
~` ~`
“Does Uncle Henry know this?” Keith asked.
“Of course he knows. That’s why he always goes to the bar at night to pick up boys.” Pidge said.
“You mean girls.” Keith corrected.
“No I mean boys. He’s as gay as you are Keithie.”
“Oh….” Keith looked totally shocked.
Pidge shook his head. “Clueless idiot.” He muttered under his breath.
Keith looked out the window and saw a big funnel cloud drop from the sky and a tornado come towards the house. “TWISTER!”
“While it is a fun game I don’t think now is time to play besides you need more then two people to play.” Pidge said.
“No you stupid mutt! I mean a tornado and it’s heading this way!” Keith said.
“Oh shit! Why didn’t you just say so?”
“I did!”
Suddenly the farmhouse was lifted into the air spinning around and around in big circles like an oversized carnival ride. Keith and his dog-like-boy Pidge looked out the window watching the spinning vortex wondering where it was taking them.
A blonde haired witch, who went by the name of Romelle…
~` ~`
Romelle: I am not a witch!
~` ~`
A blonde haired bitch named Romelle suddenly appeared riding past the window on a bike that looked exactly like Keith’s, laughing hysterically.
“HEY! That bitch stole my bike!” Keith yelled.
“Give it up, Keith. The bike is gone. Now you can get a Harley.” Pidge said.
“Ok! In that case enjoy the bike ya bitch!” Keith waved to the bike riding, blonde haired bitch.
Suddenly the wind stopped and the house began to plummet like an elevator that’s cables had broken. Before they could even scream in fear for their lives the house hit the ground with a resounding thud.
Grabbing a baseball bat Keith slowly went outside while a cowering Pidge slowly crept out the door after him.
A small village, that looked like it was built by five year olds and for five year olds surrounded them. The small homes were all painted with bright and cheerful colours, there wasn’t a dull colour to be found.
“Wherever can we be, Pidge?” Keith asked.
“How the hell should I know? I don’t have a map.”
“Well I don’t think we are in
“What a brilliant deduction. How did you ever manage to figure that one on your own?”
Keith glared at Pidge and was about to comment when he noticed a pair of legs sticking out from under the house. “Uh-oh I think we landed on someone.”
“You must certainly did.” A voice from behind them said.
Keith and Pidge spun around and saw a woman in a brown cloak standing a few feet away from them.
“Who are you?” Keith asked.
“I am the good witch Haggar.”
~` ~`
Allura: WHOA! If anyone should be the good witch it should be ME!
I have another roll planned you.
Allura: Well as long as it’s an important part.
Oh believe me it is a very important part in the story.
Allura: Well okay then.
Haggar: Might I just say thank you for such a good role for once.
FINALLY! Someone is cooperating.
~` ~`
“Well I am pleased to meet you, Haggar. I am Keith and this is my dog-like-boy Pidge.” Keith introduced them. “Where are we and who did we oh so accidentally land on?”
“You landed on the wicked bitch of the east Romelle.” Haggar said. “And everyone but wicked cousin will thank you.”
“Oh good for a minute I was worried I was going to be trouble.” Keith said.
“Not at all young man. You did the world a favour.” Haggar said.
“Then can you do me a favour and tell me how to get home?” Keith asked.
“Take the yellow brick road to
“Well she was certainly helpful… not.” Keith said. “Let’s go, Pidge. I don’t want to spend another minute in this place it’s too colourful, it looks like a rainbow threw up.”
“Rainbow can’t throw up.” Pidge pointed.
“Whatever, it’s still too colourful.” Keith said.
“Well that much I agree on. So let’s hit the road Jack.”
“The name is Keith not Jack.”
“It’s an expression twit.” Pidge said.
“A silly one.” Keith said.
“Whatever. Let’s just go.” Pidge said.
So the boy and his dog-like-boy began to walk down the yellow brick road, both hoping it wasn’t going to be a far walk or if it was a far walk that could hitch a ride with the first passing car.
After several minutes of walking the yellow brick road led them throw a cornfield, with corn as high as an elephant’s ear. Keith stopped walking and looked at the scarecrow that sat in a small clearing just off the yellow brick road.
“Why, Pidge, I think that scarecrow just moved.” Keith said.
“You’re seeing things… again.” Pidge said.
“I am not. And besides I only was seeing things because of the special chocolate brownies we made. AND you were seeing pink elephants just like I was.” Keith pointed out with a smug grin.
“Um…oh yeah.” Pidge said.
“Let’s go see the scarecrow.” Keith said cutting out into the field before Pidge could even agree or disagree. Keith stopped and looked up at the scarecrow, though he didn’t think there was anything scary about the scarecrow – in fact he thought the scarecrow was rather cute. Dressed in a pair of tight dark blue jeans and dark red plaid shirt with a dark brown leather cowboy hat and matching boots and a brown leather jacket. “Hello Mr. Scarecrow, are you alive?”
“Of course I am alive.” The scarecrow said as though it should be completely obvious that he was alive. “Now if you don’t mind I would like a little help down off this thing.”
“Certainly.” Keith said helping the scarecrow down. “How did you get stuck up there?”
“Well, if I had a brain…”
~` ~`
Lance: WAIT a minute I am not going to spend the whole damn story saying ‘If I only a brain’ I have a brain you know I am not just beautiful!
Another one of them.
*sighs* Fine what is it you want to be asking for?
Lance: I want Keith!
Fine.
~` ~`
“Certainly.” Keith said helping the scarecrow down. “How did you get stuck up there?”
“Fraternity prank.” The scarecrow said. “And thank you for helping me down.” He grabbed Keith and kissed him deeply, tongue and all.
Keith was flushed when the kiss finally broke. “Wow! Who would’ve thought a scarecrow would be such a good kisser.”
“The name is Lance, not scarecrow.”
“Please to meet you, Lance. I am Keith and this is my dog-like-boy Pidge.”
Lance looked at Pidge. “Me a good doggy and run away and play while I finish thanking Keith.”
Pidge rolled his eyes and Keith
snuggled closer to Lance. “We don’t have time we have to go to
“Well I’ll go with you I been meaning to go to the Wiz myself.” Lance said.
“And why should we let you come?” Pidge asked.
“Because I know the way.” Lance said.
“So do we. Just follow the yellow brick road, it doesn’t take a genius but I guess that’s how you know the way.” Pidge said.
“Dumb dog.” Lance mumbled.
“THAT’S DOG-LIKE-BOY!” Pidge yelled.
“Sure thing puppy.” Lance grinned.
Pidge just muttered something under his breath in response.
“What do you need to see the Wizard for?” Keith asked.
“To make you my boyfriend.” Lance grinned suggestively at Keith.
“Well you don’t need the Wizard for that.” Keith grinned back.
“Good.” Lance grinned kissing Keith again.
“Well then you didn’t need to come bye now.” Pidge said to Lance.
“Now he’s coming because he’s my boyfriend.” Keith said.
“Whatever. Let’s just hit the road Jack.” Pidge said.
“Who’s Jack?” Lance asked.
Pidge screamed. “It an expression!”
“Not a very good one.” Lance said.
“That’s what I said too.” Keith said.
“Let’s just go.” Pidge said.
So the boy, dog-like-boy and scarecrow continued along the yellow brick road. After a long walk the reached the end of the cornfield. There were many fruit trees filled with apples and oranges and pears. As the three hungry travelers began to pick the fruit they noticed a tin man.
~` ~`
Sven: No.
No what? All I said is a tin man.
Sven: I am not putting on a tin outfit. And I am not asking for stupid heart.
Sven: *tries his best death glare*
Doesn’t work on me. You
get tin or sequins.
Sven: Neither.
Okay sequins it is.
~` ~`
They noticed a man wearing a long sleeved silver sequin shirt and shimmer silver pants shiny silver boots and a sliver sequin cowboy hat standing under the tree.
“Can you help me?” the sequin man asked.
“Of course.” Keith said immediately going over to the stranger. “What can we do for you?”
“I need more booze. Mine’s all gone.” The sequin man held the bottle of Jack Daniels upside down to show every last drop was gone. “And I need more. A lot more”
“We don’t have any either.” Keith said. “But maybe you can
get some in the
“I’m not sure I want to.” Sequin man said as he looked at the dog-like-boy and scarecrow that were climbing the trees to get fruit. “Are you sure you have nothing to drink?”
“No, sorry we don’t have anything.” Keith said.
“I guess I have no choice but to go to
“Come with us then. It’ll be fun.” Keith grinned brightly.
“No stay here! Looking at those sequins hurts my eyes.” Lance complained.
“In that case I’m going with you.” Sequin man said.
“I am Keith. And that…” he pointed at Pidge, “is my dog-like-boy Pidge.” He pointed to Lance. “And that is the scarecrow Lance.”
“I am Sven.”
“Enough with the introductions. Let’s hit the road Jack.” Pidge said.
“Who is Jack?” Sven asked.
Pidge screamed, a loud maniacal scream. “IT IS AN EXPRESSION!”
“Well it’s not a very good one.” Sven said.
“That’s what we said.” Keith and Lance said at the same time.
“Let’s just GO!” Pidge said.
So the four of them continued along the yellow brick road.
They walked and walked and walked when suddenly a lion jumped out in front of the,
~` ~`
Hunk: I am not a lion.
You are now.
Hunk: BUT…! You better not go saying I need courage too.
Fine I’ll fix it.
~` ~`
After they walked a hell of long ways they noticed a big, yellow, metal robot lion off the side of the road and a large, muscle bound man dressed in nothing more then a loincloth standing by it trying to fix it.
“Excuse me, but do you need help?” Keith asked the loincloth wearing, lion-fixing man.
The loincloth wearing, lion-fixing man spun around to face them. “Of course I need help. I don’t have the parts to fix my lion.”
“What’s wrong with it?” Pidge asked moving over to the loincloth wearing, lion-fixing man.
“I don’t know. If I knew that I would fix it.” The loincloth wearing, lion-fixing man said.
“I can help you fix it.” Pidge grinned at the loincloth wearing, lion-fixing man.
The loincloth wearing, lion-fixing man grinned. “Alright.”
“You can’t stay and help. We have to go
“Oh yeah.” Pidge pouted. “Do you want come with us?” he hopefully asked the loincloth wearing, lion-fixing man.
“Sure. I can probably get the parts I need in
“I am Keith. And that is my dog-like-boy Pidge you are talking to you.” Keith said. “And the sequin man is Sven.” Keith introduced the man standing on his left. “And this…” he wrapped his arm around Lance’s waist, “is my boyfriend scarecrow Lance.”
“My name is Hunk.”
“Very nice to meet you, Hunk.” Pidge grinned.
“I think my dog-like-boy found a boyfriend with the loincloth wearing, lion-fixing man.” Keith said. “That is just so sweet.”
“So sweet it is giving me cavities.” Sven said.
“Well let’s hit the road Jack.” Pidge said.
“Who’s Jack?” Hunk asked.
Pidge laughed insanely for a long minute. “It is an expression.”
“Well, it’s not a very good one.” Hunk said.
“That’s what we said.” Keith, Lance and Sven all said in unison.
“Fine let’s just be off to see the Wizard.” Pidge said.
Pidge and Hunk walked along the yellow brick road, their arms linked. Keith and Lance walked behind them, their arms also linked. Sven walked along behind them looking as though he wanted to be anywhere else but there.
Keith began to skip. “We’re off to see the Wizard…”
“Stop singing.” Sven grumbled smacking Keith in the back on the head.
“OW!” Keith loudly complained. “Fine I won’t sing. You didn’t have to be so mean about it.”
“I told you I need booze and lots of it. Gonna have to drink a whole case of Jack Daniels after this little trip.” Sven said.
“Is that the Jack you keep talking about, Pidge?” Keith asked.
“I told you it is an expression. But I do wish I was hitting the Jack Daniels about now.” Pidge said.
Everyone nodded in agreement hoping they’d find a bar along
the yellow brick road to the
They walked and walked and walked some more when they came to a bridge that crossed over a wide river, on the other side was a bar with a pink and blue flashing neon sign that simply read: OZ.
Well as they started to cross the bridge a nasty looking troll dressed in a ‘maid’s’ uniform jumped up and blocked their path.
“I am Nanny the troll. Who dares to cross my bridge?”
~` ~`
Nanny: Um… since when is there a troll in this story?
Nanny: …
~` ~`
“Out if our way you hideous troll, we are trying to get to the bar.” Sven growled.
“Be nice you walking disco ball she might hit us with her rolling pin.” Lance muttered.
Sven glared at Lance. “WALKING DISCO BALL?”
“Yeah walking disco ball.” Lance smirked.
“Shut up or I’ll feed you to the troll you brainless baka.” Sven growled.
“Ohhhhhh, I am so scared.” Lance said sarcastically.
Keith cleared his throat. “Well Nanny troll I am Keith. And this is my dog-like-boy Pidge. This is the loincloth wearing lion fixing man Hunk. This is the sequin man Sven. And this is scarecrow Lance.” He introduced each with a pat on the head.
“Well finally someone with some manners.” Nanny troll smiled. “Most people just threaten me out of their way when all I do is ask who they are because I am so lonely under the bridge.”
“Well you remind me of my Auntie Em and she always says manners are important.” Keith said.
“Well good boy.” Nanny troll smiled, a hideous rotting tooth grin. “Now you may cross my bridge and go to the bar.” The troll ran back into hiding.
“Strange creatures them trolls.” Hunk said shaking his head. “Never know if they want to eat you or bore you with their manners.”
Sven was across the bridge and in to the bar before the others could even blink, though they were all quick to rush after him. The bar was really a disco club, strobe lights were flashing, disco balls were spinning and the floor was flashing with multicoloured squares of light. Peace symbols and flowers decorated the walls. People were passed out everywhere in the bar after a long night of drinking.
~` ~`
Critic: There is no bar in this story. This is an insult to….
Sven: *pulls out a katana and screams a battle cry and beheads the ‘critic.’* This is the one change we actually like.
Good Sequin man.
Sven: *sighs*
~` ~`
They walked over to the man behind the bar his brown mustache that was perfect trimmed looking out of place with the rest of his outfit. He had black leather cap and wore a black leather vest, with a rhinestone-studded edge and tight black leather pants.
“I need to see some ID boys.” The bartender man said.
“But of course Mr. Bartender man.” Keith said with a smile.
Everyone pulled out their ID from their wallets, Pidge showing the ID on the back of his dog tag.
“This ID is fake. Who ever heard of
place called
“It’s not fake. A tornado brought me here and now I need to go see the wizard so I can find a way home.” Keith said.
The bartender looked skeptical and he looked at the dog-like-boy. “You got the same story, puppy?”
“Yup.” Pidge said.
“Well since your ID’s both say Kansas and you both claim the same delusional story I will give you a drink for creativity.” The bartender man said. “However last night was party night so I only have enough left to sell you one bottle each of OZ firewater.”
“Thank you kind bartender man that looks like my uncle Henry.” Keith said.
“Yeah whatever, kid.” The bartender man said. “And the name is Coran not bartender man.”
So the five travelers happily drank their bottles of OZ firewater, which was really just moonshine made by the munchkins, because they were all little lushes, which was the reason why their town was so many bright colours.
When they returned to the yellow brick road, the yellow brick road some how looked far prettier in their drunken stupor. The bricks shone like spun gold sparkling in the sun. The large poppies along the edge of the road all swaying in the breeze, their little faces smiling and singing to the travelers.
“Watch out, it’s pink elephants on parade.” Keith said.
They stopped to watch a parade of pink elephants that went pass on the orange brick crossroad.
“Groovy.” Sven said after the parade of elephants had gone past.
~` ~`
VF: *sighs*
Keith: Someone needs to learn her fairy tales a bit better.
*Sticks tongue out* It’s called creativity.
Sven: Actually it’s called insanity.
VF: *all remain silent*
~` ~`
Well they weren’t able to walk much further before they passed out in the grass beside the road. They had just fallen asleep when mice came running out and climbed on them disturbing their slumber waking them all up.
“Damn mice. This is why I want a cat and not a dog-like-boy.” Keith said. “Shoo mice.”
But the mice didn’t run, they just sat there squeaking and looking at Keith.
“Dogs will eat mice.” Lance said.
“Don’t look at me I am dog-like-boy not a dog.” Pidge said. “Find yourself a cat.”
“There’s a cat.” Sven pointed up into the tree.
A very fat bluish black cat sat in the tree, a oversized toothy grin on its face it’s head tipped at weird angles as it looked down at them.
~` ~`
Keith: Again with the wrong...
*Death glare*
Keith: Never mind.
~` ~`
“Get the mice kitty.” Keith said.
The cat hopped out of tree and chased down and ate the mice.
“Good kitty.” Keith said.
The cat grinned and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. And the
boy, his dog-like-boy, his boyfriend scarecrow, the sequin man, and the
loincloth wearing lion fixing man were able to pass out again and sleep
interruption free.
Well eventually they woke up and were surprisingly hangover free.
“I need to get a case of that stuff its great hard hitting and no hangover. Hangovers are such a bitch.” Sven said.
“So are you.” Lance said.
“Am not. You are.” Sven said.
“Oh please don’t fight.” Keith said.
“You are the one who is a bitch.” Pidge said.
“That he is. But he’s my bitch.” Lance said. He grabbed Keith and kissed him deeply, leaving Keith breathless.
“Whatever.” Pidge rolled his eyes. “Let’s just hit the road Jack.”
“Who’s Jack?” Everyone asked.
Pidge screamed and ran off down the yellow brick road. Everyone shrugged and followed after the dog-like-boy.
As they rounded the corner Emerald City came into site. Everything was painted Emerald Green all the windows were an Emerald green stained glass making the city shine like large Emerald in the sun.
“It’s so pretty. It looks like a giant emerald.” Keith said.
“Oh gee, do you think that’s how it got its name?” Pidge asked sarcastically.
“Is it?” Keith asked curiously.
“Twit.” Pidge rolled eyes and sighed deeply.
“Yeah I think that might be where it got its name its how Ruby City got its name.” Lance said.
“Because it’s green?” Keith asked.
“No because it’s called red.” Hunk said.
“Oh. Now I get it.” Keith laughed.
“And people call me stupid.” Lance muttered.
“Well I never claimed to be smart, I just get by on my good looks.” Keith said.
“Well you certainly have that going on.” Lance grinned as he eyed over Keith’s body.
Keith blushed a dark shade of red. “Let’s just go see the wizard.”
So they ran test way of the way along the yellow brick road to Emerald City.
“KNOCK, KNOCK!” Keith yelled as he knocked on the large city door.
“Who’s there?” The guard asked.
“Lettuce.” Keith said.
“Lettuce who?” The guard asked.
“Lettuce in.” Keith said.
~` ~`
VF: *GROAN*
~` ~`
The guard opened the door and allowed them access to Emerald City.
“Where do you think the wizard is?” Keith asked as he looked around the green city.
“Probably in that tower that has the flashing sign that says: The Wizard Is In.” Pidge said.
“Oh, well I guess that would be a good place to start.” Keith said.
So they walked through the city to the tower, earning several gawking stares from the Emerald Cityians who had never seen such a strange troupe. When they reached the tower there was a long green velvet rope down both sides of a path that led in the tower and there was at least fifty people in the line. At the end of the path was ticket machine. Keith pulled out a ticket.
“We are number fifty-two.” Keith informed them.
“We’ll be here for hours.” Pidge complained.
“I think I’ll go find something to drink and then come back.” Sven said.
“Yeah and I’ll go find those parts…” Hunk said.
“I’ll help you.” Pidge officered.
“You can’t go. We have to wait in line.” Keith said.
A man dressed up in a white rabbit suit came running over to them. “You’re late! You’re late! There’s no time to wait!” Cozak the rabbit man said.
~` ~`
Cozak: I am no rabbit! *growls* And this is the wrong story to even have the white rabbit.
Bah. Don’t bother me with such details.
~` ~`
“Late?” Keith questioned.
“Yes late, late, late. The Wizard was excepting you this morning.” Cozak the rabbit man said. “Now come with me and I will take to the Wizard’s room. He wants you to start with his favourite song YMCA.”
“Say what now?” Hunk asked.
“He wants to hear that song first.” Cozak the rabbit man repeated before quickly leading them away.
Cozak the rabbit man led them into Wizard’s room.
“The Village Folk are here.” Cozak the rabbit man told the Wizard.
“Ah, very good. I have been waiting hours to hear them perform.” The Wizard said from a top his throne.
They looked up at the blue skinned, old man that sat on throne.
“I am the great and powerful Wizard Zarkon.”
~` ~`
Pidge: We aren’t supposed to see him now and he’s…
Zarkon: Silence.
Pidge: But…
You heard the man, be quiet.
~` ~`
“Um, Mr. Wizard man… we aren’t who you think?” Keith said.
“Are you saying you lied to get in here?” Wizard Zarkon said.
“”Not exactly you see the rabbit thought… but we aren’t…” Keith stammered.
“Sing the song or it’s off with your heads.” Wizard Zarkon said.
Keith turned to look at the others. “Do you know the song he means?”
Lance, Hunk and Sven all nodded.
“Okay I just hope it’s the same as the one from home.” Keith said.
So they began to sing for the Wizard. “It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A…” complete with all proper movements.
The Wizard Zarkon clapped his hands once they were done. “Very good you can keep your heads. Now tell me who you are and what you want.”
“Well, I am Keith and this is my dog-like-boy Pidge. And we want to go home to Kansas.”
“I am Lance the scarecrow and I have what I want.” He grabbed Keith and bent him over backwards with a deep kiss, leaving Keith breathless.
“I am Sven, the sequin man…”
“Walking disco ball.” Lance chuckled.
Sven turned and gave Lance a death glare. “I am Sven the sequin man and I want booze.”
“I am Hunk the loincloth wearing lion fixing man. And I want the part to fix my lion.”
“Hm, well for so many requests I will need you to do something for me.” The Wizard Zarkon said.
“Sure. What would you like? Another song?” Keith offered.
“No.” the Wizard Zarkon said. “I heard you are responsible for killing the wicked bitch of the east, is this true?”
Keith nodded. “My house fell on her, but she had it coming she stole my bike.”
“I see.” The Wizard Zarkon said. “Well what I want you to do is kill the wicked bitch of the west. She is an even worse wicked bitch then her cousin and she really has it coming to her.”
“Then you’ll grant our wishes?” Keith asked.
“You kill her and I’ll give you whatever you want.” The Wizard Zarkon said.
“Then you got yourself a deal.” Keith said. “But just one more thing, where I can find the wicked bitch of the west?”
“She lives in a castle to the west. You can’t miss it.” the Wizard Zarkon said.
“Okay so then we’re off to the kill bitch. Which old bitch? The wicked bitch.” Keith sang.
Everyone but Wizard Zarkon rolled their eyes, he clapped happily as loved to hear such lively songs.
So they mismatched troupe left Emerald City and began to travel westward toward the castle of the wicked bitch of the west. Continuing along the yellow brick roads, because all the roads that lead to and from Emerald City are yellow.
It wasn’t long before a pink tower that looked like cotton candy from the carnival appeared on the horizon.
“That can’t be the place, can it?” Keith asked as he stopped to look at the pink eye sore.
“I’m afraid it is. The wicked bitch of the west has a pink fetish.” Lance said.
“Now that is scary.” Keith said.
“You are the one who agreed to this.” Pidge reminded Keith.
“Yeah, yeah… bitch, bitch, bitch. Is that all you ever do?” Keith asked.
“You are the bitch.” Pidge said.
“Um, guys can we not get into this again?” Hunk asked.
“Yeah, we still have a long way to go to the horrible castle of pink and then we have to walk all the back to Emerald City. Hasn’t anyone in this place ever heard of a car?”
“A c-ar? What’s that?” Hunk asked.
“You have a big robot lion and you’ve never heard of car? Isn’t that just priceless.” Keith laughed.
“What’s is a car anyways?” Lance asked.
“You know automobile….” Noticing the still clueless expression he continued. “A horseless carriage.”
“If it’s horseless how does is move?” Sven asked.
“A bunch of stuff making up an engine.” Keith said.
“Ohhh. Well we don’t have none of those hear.” Hunk said.
“What about your lion? Don’t it have an engine?” Keith asked.
“Nope it’s all magic parts.” Hunk said.
“Yeah well it’s probably something like a car.” Keith said.
“If you say so.” Hunk said.
“I do.” Keith said. “Too bad you had one and it’s broken.”
“Actually I have five. The yellow one, a blue one, a green one, a red one and a black one.” Hunk said.
“Then why aren’t we using one of them?” Keith asked.
“Because they are all broken too. I’ve been trying to fix them.” Hunk said. “So I hope the Wizard will give me enough parts to fix them all when we finish this whole quest thing.”
“Why do you need five of them anyways?” Keith asked.
“I dunno.” Hunk shrugged.
They continued on their merry way towards the pink tower. Suddenly they heard voices ahead, or rather one voice talking in several different, and not to mention very bad accents. Keith, being a curious young boy hurried ahead to see what was happening. He saw a pale blue skinned woman, with pointing ears and yellow cat eyes and pink hair. She was dressed in a suit of multicolours and had a big hat on her head. The long table had a tea set on it and stuffed animals sitting on chairs.
“What are you doing?” Keith asked.
“How dare you interrupt my tea party.”
“Who dares interrupt Mad Hattress Merla’s tea party?” she said in a different voice obviously trying to make it seem the stuffed cat was talking.
~` ~`
Merla: *folds arms across chest* Wrong fairy tale.
Don’t complain at least I gave you a part.
Merla: Oh joy. *sarcasm is thick*
*glares*
Merla: Whoo-hoo *fake enthusiasm and a fake smile*
Close enough.
~` ~`
“I am Keith.” He introduced himself. “Oh a tea party those are so much fun.” Keith said excitedly.
“We don’t have time for a tea party.” Pidge said.
“There is always time for tea party.” Mad Hattress Merla said.
“No there is always time for booze. Not tea.” Sven said.
“Shame you can’t join us, the long island ice tea is sooooo good.” Mad Hattress Merla said in a voice for the velveteen rabbit.
“Did you say long island ice tea?” Sven asked.
“I sure did.” Mad Hattress Merla said, this voice for the stuffed cat.
“In that case I say we have time for a cup or two or three of tea.” Sven said.
“Such and shame, shame, shame there is no place to sit.” Mad Hattress Merla said.
“We’ll stand.” Sven said.
“It’s not politie to join a tea party before introductions have been made.
Mad Hattress Merla said. “I am Mad Hattress Merla.”
“And I am FlufferNutter the cat.” Mad Hattress Merla said in her cat voice for the fluffy white and brown stuffed cat.
“Me, I am Velveteen.” Mad Hattress Merla said in velveteen rabbit voice.
“And I am Pooh.” Mad Hattress Merla said for the red shirt wearing yellow bear.
“Well I already told you I am Keith.” He ran over to Pidge and but a hand on his head. “This is my dog-like-boy Pidge.” He ran over to Lance and put an arm around his waist and hugged him. “This is my boyfriend Lance the scarecrow.” He ran over to Sven and put a hand on his shoulder. “This is the sequin man Sven.” He ran over to Hunk and gave him a playful punch to the arm. “And this is the loincloth wearing lion fixing man Hunk.”
“Now that introductions are over, let’s drink.” Sven said.
So they had several drinks of long island ice tea.
“We have to go now. We have to kill the wicked bitch of the west.” Keith said.
“I wish you the best of luck she’s a really bitch.” Mad Hattress Merla said in her FlufferNutter cat voice.
“Yeah worse then her cousin the wicked bitch of the east Romelle.” Mad Hattress Merla said in her velveteen rabbit voice.
“Yup, she’s a big bad bitch alright.” Mad Hattress Merla said in her Pooh Bear voice.
“We aren’t afraid of the wicked bitch.” Keith boasted.
“Well I am so good luck to you.” Mad Hattress Merla said. She looked at Sven. “Feel free to come back once you’re done. I’ll keep and extra big cup of long ice tea waiting for you.”
“In that case I’ll be back.” Sven said.
So they continue to walk and walk and walk along the yellow brick road. And finally they reached the cotton candy pink castle. They had just stepped onto the drawbridge when suddenly a blue skinned, white hair man with wings and a monkey tail and wearing a black leather pants and white cuffs on his wrists flew down and landed in front of them
“I am Lotor the flying monkey servant of the wicked bitch of the west. What business do you have with her royal highness?”
“The business we have with her is our own.” Keith said.
“Oh, I don’t know if I should let you in then. She really don’t like surprise visitors.” Lotor the flying monkey servant.
“Let us in or I’ll sic my dog-like-boy on you.” Keith said.
“Okay, okay, okay. I don’t want any trouble.” Lotor the flying monkey servant. He flew back up into the castle allowing them to continue into the castle.
So they walked into the castle, finding all the interior decorating was also done in pink.
“This place gives me the creeps.” Pidge shivered.
“I’ll protect you from the pink.” Hunk assured the dog-like-boy.
Keith looked at Lance. “Will you protect me from all this pink?”
“Of course.” Lance said, He grabbed Keith and gave him another breath taking kiss. “How’s that for protection?”
“Great… real great.” Keith said breathlessly.
Sven just rolled his eyes.
So they proceeded to walk through the castle until they came to door marked ‘Throne Room.’
“Do you think this is where she is?” Keith asked.
“One way to find out” Pidge said.
“And what way is that?” Keith asked.
“Open the door.” Pidge said.
“Oh! That way.” Keith said with a sheepish grin. He reached out and pushed the pink door open.
The door open to a room that was all decorated in every shade of pink imaginable, from ceiling to floor everything was pink.
“Who dares to enter my chambers?” The wicked bitch of the west stepped forward her in her pink dress…
~` ~` ~`
Allura: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I am a princess not a bitch.
To bad, so sad tell it someone who cares.
Allura: *looks around but finds nobody who looks like that care so she starts wailing loudly*
Ain’t gonna work so cork it.
Allura: *silent*
~` ~` ~`
“Well. I am Keith…” But before he could finish the introductions the wicked bitch came rushing forward and threw her arms around Keith and tired to kiss him.
“We are to be married.” Allura proclaimed.
“Um… I don’t… I…” Keith stammered.
“He’s MY boyfriend.” Lance grabbed Keith’s arm and tried to pull him away but Allura held on to Keith’s other arm and a game of tug of war ensued.
“MINE!” Allura yelled.
“NO, HE’S MINE!” Lance yelled.
“MINE!” Allura yelled.
“NO, HE’S MINE!” Lance yelled.
“We could cut him in half then you both can have him.” Pidge suggested.
“You’re mean.” Keith said to Pidge. “Least you could do is help.”
Pidge just shrugged and watched the tug of war and the resuming of the yelling match.
“LET GO!” Keith yelled. Instantly both Lance and Allura let go and Keith fell to the ground.
“Our wedding is going to be so beautiful.” Allura said. “But your little friends can’t come.”
“We aren’t getting married.” Keith said.
“Yes we are.” Allura said.
“No. We aren’t.” Keith said.
“Give me one good reason why not.” Allura said. She looked sternly at Keith with her hands on her hips.
“Because I am gay and with Lance.” Keith said.
“I said one good reason.” Allura said.
“Well that is all one reason.” Keith said.
“Why did you come here if it wasn’t to marry me?” Allura asked. “And how did you get in past my flying monkey man Lotor?”
“I told him to let us in or I’d sic my dog-like-boy on him.” Keith said.
“Dog-like-boy?” Allura asked.
“That would me. I’m Pidge the dog-like-boy.”
“Oh.” Allura said with disinterest. “And my flying monkey man was afraid of you? I really need to hire some new help.” Allura shook her head.
“Can I finish the introductions now?” Keith asked.
“Whatever.” Allura said.
“Okay well you know me and my dog like boy. And you know my scarecrow boyfriend Lance. The one in the sequins is sequin man Sven. And the one in the loincloth is the loincloth wearing lion fixing man.” Keith said.
“Well, it’s not nice to meet you all.” Allura said. “Everyone but Keith can leave. He’s mine.”
“What did we just get through talking about?” Lance asked.
“That Keith and I are going to be married.” Allura said.
“Keith is MINE!” Lance yelled.
“No he’s mine. We are getting married.” Allura said.
“He’s mine!” Lance said. “Why don’t you stick with your monkey man?”
“With Lotor?” Allura questioned.
“Did you call my name?” Lotor asked, as he suddenly appeared in the room.
Allura looked the flying monkey man over. “You want me to be with that?” she questioned in disgust.
“Bitch. After all I do for you. I wait on you hand and foot. I am going back to work for my father.” Lotor said.
“Who’s your father?” Keith asked.
“The Wizard.” Lotor said
“He sent us here.” Keith said.
“Isn’t that just like him. He is always trying to force me to go back and work for him.” Lotor said.
“That’s not why he sent us. He never even mentioned you.” Keith said.
“Never mentioned me?” Lotor asked with sad eyes.
“Nope. Not one single word.” Keith said.
“Really?” Lotor asked.
“Really.” Keith said.
“Well then I am not going back to work for him. I am going to start my own business and find someone who appreciates me. Maybe I’ll get together with white rabbit.”
“Well good luck to you.” Keith said.
“You can’t leave.” Allura said.
“I think I can.” Lotor said.
“We have a contract.” Allura said.
“So?” Lotor asked.
“I’ll sue you for every penny you got if you break the contract.” Allura said.
“Well all pennies are in my piggy bank so I’ll save you the trouble and leave my pennies.” Lotor said.
“Fine. Go then you were a lousy servant anyway.” Allura said.
Everyone, with the exception of Allura, all waved farewell to the flying monkey man Lotor as he flew away.
“Can we just do what we came to do and leave?” Sven asked.
“What did you come here to do?” Allura asked.
“We came to kill you.” Keith said.
“Idiot you aren’t suppose to tell her that.” Pidge sighed.
“But I can’t lie so I had to tell her the truth.” Keith said.
“Idiot.” Pidge said.
“I knew you came here to marry me.” Allura said happily.
“He said kill, k-i-l-l kill, not marry.” Lance said.
“Marry, m-a-r-r-y, marry.” Allura said.
“What is this a spelling bee?” Sven questioned.
“Well they both spelled their words right.” Keith said.
“So the wedding will be this weekend in the pink ballroom. Decorated in pink, pink roses, pink streamers and we’ll get pink doves. It’ll be so beautiful. We’ll invite everyone… except your annoying friends.” Allura said.
“We are not getting married.” Keith said.
“You just have cold feet. I have some pink bunny slippers you can borrow to warm your feet right up.” Allura said.
“Haven’t you listened to a word any of us has said?” Keith asked.
“No, why would I want to do that?” Allura asked with a laugh. “Now, you’ll have to get fitted for you pink suit.”
Keith grabbed a bucket of water, which just happened to be sitting in the room for no apparent reason, and splashed it on the wicked bitch of the west hoping the cold water would knock some sense into her.
“IDIOT! THIS DRESS IS DRY CLEAN ONLY!” Allura yelled. The water was not cold, it was quite warm, as it had been sitting in the room and not in refrigeration. The pink suddenly started shrinking. “IT’S SHRINKING… SHRINKING!”
The dress kept shrinking and shrinking. And the dress wasn’t the only thing that shrank, her recent plastic surgery to keep her young looking made her whole body shrink as well. Keith, Lance, Sven, Hunk and Pidge all stood watching as Allura the wicked witch of the west turned into a Barbie doll.
“Does this count as killing her?” Keith asked he picked up the Allura doll.
“I think so.” Lance said, and everyone nodded in agreement.
“What do we do with her now?” Keith asked.
“Merla likes toys we can give it to her.” Sven said. Taking the Allura doll from Keith.
“You just want to give your girlfriend a present.” Lance accused.
“Yeah, so?” Sven said.
“I think it’s sweet.” Keith said.
“I’ll stick with giving kisses.” Lance said. He kissed Keith with another breath stealing kiss.
“Whatever. Let’s just hit the road….” Pidge paused and changed his mind of what he was going to say. “Let’s just go back to see the Wizard.”
So they headed back towards Emerald City. Stopping at Mad Hattress Merla’s tea party.
“I brought you something.” Sven said handing her the Allura doll.
“Oh what a pretty dolly.” Mad Hattress Merla said.
“It used to be Allura the wicked bitch of the west. But she shrank into a doll when I threw water on her.” Keith said.
“Still is pretty dolly. Just need to give her a hair cut and get rid of the pink.” Merla said.
Allura woke up in the body of the doll, unable to move unable to speak she could only mentally scream in horror at the things Mad Hattress Merla had planned for her.
Mad Hattress Merla grabbed Sven’s hand. “Stay and play?”
“Yes, please stay.” ‘FlufferNutter the cat’ said.
“Oh please stay and play.” ‘Pooh’ said.
“Stay and play it will be fun.” ‘Velveteen’ said.
“Okay.” Sven agreed.
“But we have to go back and see the Wizard.” Keith said.
“Just tell him where to send my booze.” Sven said.
“And where would that be?” Keith asked.
“Here.” Sven said.
“Oh. Okay.” Keith said.
“Be good disco ball. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Lance said.
“And what does that leave out?” Sven asked.
“Nothing.” Lance grinned.
“Well have fun at you tea party.” Hunk said.
“Yeah have fun playing with dolls.” Pidge snickered.
“Oh we will be having a lot of fun.” Sven said with a grinned.
So they continued down the road back to Emerald City without the sequin man. They walked and walked and walked and walked some more until they finally arrived back at Emerald City.
Keith knocked on the door. “Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?” The guard asked.
“Wood.” Keith said.
“Wood who?” The guard asked.
“Wood you please open the door.” Keith said.
The guard opened the door and allowed them back into Emerald City.
“I hope we don’t have to wait in line.” Keith said as he looked at the line that was even longer then before.
“We’ll you’re in luck.”
They turned to see the flying monkey man and the white rabbit standing, very close together.
“Why are we in luck?” Keith asked.
“Because you helped me to be free from the wicked bitch of the west I will take you to see my father right away.” Lotor said.
“Why thank you.” Keith said.
“We don’t have to sing again, do we?” Hunk asked worriedly.
“Not this time.” Cozak, the white rabbit said.
“Whew.” Hunk said.
So the flying monkey man and the white rabbit took Keith, his dog-like-boy, his boyfriend scarecrow and the loincloth wearing lion fixing man Hunk to see Wizard Zarkon.
Wizard Zarkon looked at the four that stood before him. “Wasn’t there five of you last time?”
“Yes but the sequin man decided to stay with the Mad Hattress Merla.” Keith said,
“I see.” Wizard Zarkon said. “Tell me how you defeated the wicked bitch of the west.”
“She shrank and turned into a doll when I threw water on her. We gave the doll to Mad Hattress Merla to play with.” Keith said.
Wizard Zarkon tented his fingers. “Excellent.”
“Since we defeated her can we have our wishes granted?” Keith said.
“Yes. I am grateful that you got rid of that bitch. Oh and that you finally managed to get my son to come home.” Wizard Zarkon said. “So what were those wishes again?”
“Sven wanted booze. He said you can send the booze there.” Keith said.
“Very well I’ll send the delivery truck to that address.” Wizard Zarkon said.
“And I want the parts to fix my lions.” Hunk said.
“I’ll give you the deed to the junk yard I am sure you can find all the parts and then some to fix your precious little lions.” Wizard Zarkon said.
“I already got what I want.” Lance said. He grabbed Keith and kissed him deeply for a long moment leaving Keith breathlessly.
“I did want to go home but I think now I will stay and be Hunk’s business partner.” Pidge said.
“Yeah sure business is the only thing on your mind.” Lance said.
“So we’ll be bed buddies too.” Pidge said.
“Why don’t you want to come home with me?” Keith asked.
“Because I want sex and I don’t want it with you. I want it with Hunk because he’s a hunk.” Pidge said, making Hunk blush.
“Oh. Well I want to go home. My Auntie and Uncle must be so worried.” Keith said.
“They’re probably dancing in the streets with joy to be rid of you.” Pidge said.
“Are not.” Keith said.
“Are too.” Pidge said.
“Are not.” Keith said.
“Are too.” Pidge said.
“Enough.” Wizard Zarkon said in a booming voice. “I will let you use my hot air balloon so you can fly home over the rainbow.”
“Oh goody.” Keith said jumping up and down.
So they took the elevator to the top of the tower where the hot air balloon was tied. But when they got up there they found it had either blown away or had been stolen.
“Now I can never go home.” Keith cried.
The good fairy Haggar appeared. “Don’t cry I can help you.”
“You can?” Keith asked hopefully.
“If you can help him why didn’t you just help in the first place?” Pidge asked.
“Because… um… well do you want my help or not?” Good Fairy Haggar asked.
“Yes, oh yes I want your help.” Keith said.
“Put on these ruby red high heel shoes.” Good fairy Haggar showed Keith the ruby red shoes with a four inch spiked heel.
“I ain’t wearing those things.” Keith said.
“You have to if you want to go home.” Good fairy Haggar said.
“Actually I think I’ve changed my mind. I have a new wish.” Keith said.
“And what do you want now?” Wizard Zarkon asked.
“A big house here for me and Lance to live.” Keith said. “I don’t want to go back to working on dirty old farm that only grows weeds.”
“Very well. You can have the wicked bitch of the west castle and a team of interior decorators to get rid of the pink.”
“No fair. We get a junk yard and they get a castle.” Pidge said.
“You can have the wicked bitch of the east’s castle as well then.” Wizard Zarkon said.
“No fair they get two places.” Keith said.
“I’ll replace your bike.” Wizard Zarkon said.
“I want a motorcycle instead of a bike.” Keith said.
“Fine a motorcycle it is then.” Wizard Zarkon said.
~` ~`
Pidge: How can he know what a motorcycle when nobody even knows what a car is?
Because he is the great and powerful
Wizard.
Pidge:…oh
~` ~`
“So I came all this way for nothing.” Good Fairy Haggar said.
“I wouldn’t say nothing.” Wizard Zarkon said as he grinned suggestively at the Good Fairy.
“I so don’t even want to know.” Pidge said.
“Me either. So let’s go.” Hunk grabbed Pidge and hoisted him over his shoulder and carried him out of the tower. Off to run their junkyard and fix the lions and live in their castle.
“Let’s go now.” Keith grabbed Lance’s hand and led him out of the tower to where his brand new motorcycle sat waiting. They hopped onto the motorcycle and drove off into the sunset towards their castle.
And everyone live happily ever after. The End!
~` ~`
Keith: That is all just wrong on so many levels. Have you ever even seen the Wizard Of Oz?
*SHRUGS*
Sven: We’ll that explains a lot.
Sven:…
Anyone? *looks at the rest of the VF with a threatening glare making them all keep quiet* That’s what I thought.
~` ~`