Introducing Y2K--THE THREAD!!!
In the silent darkness that surrounded all the realities a Malevolent Will stirred and began to manifest itself. Something
was wrong. Terribly, horribly wrong.
* * *
Totally Depraved Pete was the most feared and notorious criminal psychopath in the Arctic. He was currently in his
tiny cabin by the Klondike waiting for the heat lay off. At this moment his phone rang.
"Oui?" he responded, not wanting to use his voice any more than absolutely necessary. He might be recognized.
Soon this concern wasn't even in his mind. An evil gleam came into his face, illuminating the many scars he had received
during his criminal career. "Sacre bleu!" he exclaimed and slammed down the receiver. He looked to his closet. Yes,
he would need plenty of fur this time of year. And he didn't know when he would be back.
* * *
"Did you see how I beat that guy?" Fidessa asked her boyfriend Donatello as they drove back from the high school
wrestling meet. "Didn't think I could do it, didja?"
"Well," Donatello replied, "it was kinda hard for me to get into without heat. You really need to develop a character of
some sort."
"This is amateur wrestling," she reminded him.
"Well, it still would have been more exciting if you'd yelled at the crowd and told them they were on welfare. And lived
in trailers," he suggested further, his eyes lighting up.
"You'd want me to be the bad guy?" she asked, obviously hurt.
"We were the visiting team," Donny added meekly.
* * *
Ash glared at the stranger who stood across from him on the empty Pokemon field. Like all the strangers in Poke
World he kept his face hidden behind a fake beard. And talked like Clint Eastwood. And carried a fake ID. And
walked on stilts. And wore his nose crooked. And kept his eyes closed at all times. And probably had something to do
with today's episode.
"You dare challenge Ash Ketchum, world's greatest Pokemon trainer?" Ash taunted him. "You must know that I have
been undefeated during the past two months. I have been mowing my opponents down! You are doomed!!!"
Misty sighed at this boasting, especially because she knew the truth. Ash had indeed won every battle during the past
two months, but not because of his skill. It was because Misty liked him and had been secretly aiding him with her
Magical Female Powers(tm). No way could she tell him that though. It would break his heart. And would she have to
keep this up forever?
* * *
The young man stopped his car on the snowy rural road in East Tennessee when he saw the bundled figure standing
there. He usually didn't pick up hitch hikers but he simply could not ignore the plight of someone who might need help.
He stopped the car.
"Um, hello there. Need a ride?" he asked.
"Thank you. I believe I do," said a decidedly feminine voice. She opened the back door on the right side of the car and
slid in.
"I'm going to Knoxville," the man said, "but I'll be happy to take you to your home or the nearest town or whereever."
"You're very kind," she said.
"Um, my name is Jeremy," the boy said, hoping to prod her into telling him where to go. Which was a very risky
proposition, one must admit.
"I'm Rachel," she said as Jeremy resumed his drive. She still hadn't told him where she wanted to go, so he figured he'd
just stick to his plan to go to Knoxville and hope she'd tell him when she wanted to stop.
"Um, would you mind telling me where you want me to drop you off?" he said at last. The Magical Female Powers(tm)
were beginning to fly around a bit and he was feeling decidedly uncomfortable.
"I will if you'll do me one itsy bitsy little favor," she said.
"Sure. What is it?"
She bolted from the back seat and faced him. "GAZEINTOMEEYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he reacted in horror.
Too late!
* * *
Rudolph was reading Nietzsche while he chatted with Shao on the computer. "H*ck!" he said.
"Now Rudolph," Bernice scolded him, "you know that language like that is what got your Shiny New Year special
jerked from network TV."
"Sorry Bernice." Rudolph sounded genuinely repentant. At this moment the phone rang.
"Yes?" Bernice answered, allowing Rudolph to remain on the computer. Then "Rudolph darling, it's for you!" she said,
handing her husband the receiver.
"Yeah, whaddaya want?" Rudolph asked gruffly. He didn't like to be interrupted while online. But then the whites of his
eyes grew large as saucers while the irises within them shrank in absolute shock and horror.
"H*CK!!!" he exclaimed, "I'll meet you at the usual place!" Then turning to his beautiful wife before she could scold
him again for his language, he told her, "Bernice, I've gotta go! I don't know exactly how long I'll be gone but I'll be
back as soon as I can, okay?" And before she could utter a peep in response he was out the door.
Well she thought he'll surely be back in plenty of time for the Big Night. Won't he???
Rudolph meanwhile was flying as fast as he could. He had never told his friends, family, or employer about a very close
friend. And now that friend had requested his presence. A friend named--Totally Depraved Pete!!!!!!
"Oh, hon, hon, hon, hon, HON!" Annie Mae Sue said to her guests, the Presumably Extinct Giant South American
Ground Sloth Ladies Club of South Western Colombia, "y'all know mah husband is jes' the beatines' feller when it
comes to plaintin' nanners you ever did see! An' him not even from here! Y'all oughta seen the crop we harvested two
months ago! Why, yo' mouf jes' naturally water, that it would!"
"Waaaaal," Arathusia said, "Reckon Jebediah's goin' ta try his hand at it. Soon as he gets th' clabbuds tacked onto th'
ba'n." she added.
"Well what is there to do?" Sophie said, pouring another glass of tea, "My Hoishel is all the time saying this he will do,
but does he? Never! And soon we'll be moving to Florida an' it'll be too late, oy!"
"Hmmm. Maybe y'all kin grow nanners in Florida. I haven't huid anything about 'em growin' there, but I'd give it a
shot!" Annie Mae was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Be right back, darlin's!" she chuckled as she went to see who it was.
"What is it he wants I should do?" Sophie asked shrugging, "that maybe I should sell my grandmother's china
heavenforbidthatitshouldhappen? How else can we afford to go?"
"Ay-ah. Prob'ly," Arathusia said.
They were interrupted by the reentry of Annie Mae who was looking quite distracted.
"Um . . . please s'cuse me y'all, but Ah'm gonna hafta reschedule this li'l ol' party for some other li'l ol' time! Would you
do that? Oh, Ah am SO sorry!"
"Don't you worry about it," Sophie assured her, "for all the trouble you go to already for the Society a little rest you
should be taking. What you go through it should happen to a didi already. Come on Arathusia, let's go. Don't you
worry about a thing, Darling," she added as she gathered her and Arathusia's coats.
"Oh, thank y'all evah so much fo' unnerstandin'!" the grateful Annie Mae exclaimed.
"Ay-ah," said Arathusia as she left with her companion.
After they had left Annie Mae went into her bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. Then she looked down at
THE GLAND. She had been looking forward to overseeing the next crop with her husband. Now it looked as if she
might have to miss part of it. How much, she could not say. Sometimes there were unpleasant duties that could not be
avoided.
* * *
"We haven't got much time, Scully," Mulder said in that flat voice of his. "What is this, the 29th? We have just 32 days
to prevent a worldwide catastrophe so monumental that it could only have been planned. By THEM!"
"Mulder, the government has everything under control. You're worried over nothing," Scully assured him.
"Yeah. Nothing." Mulder narrowed his eyes and looked Out There.
* * *
Dale was on cloud nine. His beautiful wife was cuddling him and GAZING upon him sweetly. How did he ever earn
such bliss? What had he done to deserve a wife like this? Not only beautiful, but sweet. Not only sweet, but loving.
And she loved HIM. And not like some superior being who deigned to reach down to him, but because she wanted to
be loved by him in return, more so than anything else in the world. And she never let him forget it.
The only think I know to do he reasoned to himself is to make sure that she never has reason to doubt my total
and complete love for her. Not for a second. He sighed as she continued to GAZE lovingly upon him. So beautiful,
so endearing, so sweet. He was developing a stomach ache.
* * *
The Enduring Man-Child sat in the study of his isolated cabin in the middle of nowhere. The table was covered with
several large and ancient tomes which he was studying assiduously. The walls of the small room were piled high in
similar volumes. Man-Child was looking for something. Desperately looking. He knew that somewhere in all these
words lay The Answer. And he had to find it. There was not much time.
"Croo-il, croo-il beauty!" he paused to shout at a map on the wall, shaking his fist in the air. "I'll show you! All of you!
You're all going to have to come to me! Just you wait! I'm gonna be the one to save the day at the last minute with the
answer that I find here in these books! Just watch me! Er, assuming I get to make the last post, that is!" And he
returned to his task.
* * *
WOULD THE WORLD SURVIVE? WOULD THEY BE IN TIME????????????????????
"The Enduring Man-Child"
-----
The Pitt-Town Seven
The lime-green 1970 Cadillac swerved through traffic amid honking car horns. As it pulled into the shopping center
parking lot, Rachel left the passenger seat and commanded her bespectacled captive to follow. With one whispered
word--"Knoxville"--the Caddy tore off into the setting sun. The two made their way toward Goodrich Theater and
sought a thin young man in a blue velvet jacket and pants.
"Hey! Anthony 'Smoov' Evans?"
"Yeah, that's me."
"You got a package for me."
This earned him a quick dope-slap from his woman and a hasty exit, but it was still cool, because he knew the
interloper would more than make up for the loss.
"One plush Chip, good as new. Only the best merch for my Rachebabe."
"That's not all I came to see you for."
A sly grin crossed his face. "Oh, I knew it wasn't. Where you want to head?"
"Joe's."
Joe's??? Dang, I've never done one like that before. Course, I'll try...
SMACK!
"This is business, you freak!. Now get in the back."
"Hey, Joe, this is Rachel and Roy Neal. Guys, this is Joseph "The Scalpel" Antonucci. He's directing us in this
project...Hey, Morland, get me another espresso!"
"Oh, bite me, spanky!"
"Ah, he's just messin' with ya. Now what is it you need?"
"We hear you've got a reputation for subverting authority. You've taken on school boards and city
commissions. . .I know what you can do with info gathering and intelligence, and Joe can do the P.R. What do
the rest of you do?"
"Well, J.T.'s our tech whiz. He can make a laptop out of a VCR. J.B. and Jerod can persuade Phil Fulmer to
root for the Gators, so we'll let them take your case to the Feds if you need it. Glen Green can jack the Y2K
Pentiums, real cheap, and if you ever need anyone taken care of like our friends Rat Capone and Freddie "The
Broom", well...Timmy Tire over here is your man. Couple that with our line to the oak tree, and we can get it
done."
"Fine. By the way, what's the movie about?"
"It's an Audrey Hepburn biopic. We're waiting on Tress MacNeille to play the title role."
"What are you?"
"I'm her stalker. I talk like Rex Harrison."
"Ooooh-kay...Anyway, we've just got to know, what's really going to happen at midnight on the 31st?"
All seven began laughing uproariously. Rachel and Roy Neal were confused, then grew increasingly annoyed.
"Just what is so funny?!"
Smoov just smiled and took a drink of Gin.
"You guys really did come to the right place. Hahaha!"
Donny
-----
Leaning against the car . . .
Rachel smoothed back her blonde hair, fluffing it back into place. "Where'd you get that crazy lookin' car, anyway?"
Donny pulled back, offended. "Excuse me?"
"Caddies just aren't my style. Chip plush or no, the car has gotta go."
Donny grimaced. "Hey, it's the only thing I could find that might fit all of us in it."
Rachel snorted, but agreed. She waved a dark headed young man over to a seat next to her. "Guys, this is my man
Jeremy. Now, y'all be nice to him, or I'll have to get hateful with somebody. And I -know- y'all don't want that." She
smiled demurely, but knowingly. Jeremy shuddered.
The guys pulled away slightly. "Ok, ok. Now, lets get down to business." Donny adjusted the lapels of his coat.
Next? I hope I was on target; some things were a bit hard to follow. ;)
Much love,
Rachel
-----
Calling Chris...Calling Chris (er...not in a nasty way though)
Chris was on the train It was 6 hours late, 5.30am it was, and he was no-where near Edinburgh, that was at least 2
hours off, and he was supposed to arrive back at 1am. The snow was limiting progress on the line, and he knew that if
he saw Edinburgh before late morning, he'd be very lucky. He wasn't bothered he was missing his 9 o'clock lecture
though, he had just spent the day in the West Highlands, his last before Christmas. What a wonderful day it had been,
he'd seen all the people he knew, and wished them well for the season, he'd been over to Mallaig, and watched sunset
over Skye. He'd not been able to go this time, but now he was going in Winter, with the Snow covering the hills and
moors, glimpses of Deer and dramatic scenerey, it had been one of his most enjoyable times there.
The trouble was, he didn't want it to end. It was dark now, about 2 hours off Edinburgh, and more than ever before,
Chris was not wanting to be going back. There was exams to look forward to, the shear Hecticness of Edinburgh
during December - he'd lost contact with his best friend, he was really not wanting to be going back.
*Come on Chris, you've gotta face it like a man* he said to himself. But sometimes he plain didn't want to, he wanted
to be back up there in the Highlands, leading the Highland life. It was hard, sure enough, but even if he was a city lad,
being brought up in Liverpool, and now in Edinburgh, his heart lay in those peaceful, majestic horizons on the Fringes
of Scotland, the Hebrides, and Shetland - his flatmate was from there, he was looking forward to going to see him up
there at some point.
Becooming increasingly depressed, he didn't want to be leaving the Highlands feeling miserable.
*What was I doing this time last year?* he said to himself. Then he remembered, and smiled a very wide smile. *Of
course, the trip to the Coffeehouse!* Last year, all the Rangerphiles had travelled via intergalactic means to the Ranger
Coffeehouse (Greyhound Buses did not serve the area as yet). He'd met many of the friends from the internet, and had
truly had a wonderful time, they even got to meet the Rangers, and share an adventure with them. *Now that's how to
celebrate Christmas! Trouble is, this is the big year, how could we ever have a Christmas to top that? I wonder what
everyone's doing this year? I wonder If I'll ever write any story in this thread?*
He closed his eyes, and tried to remember what everyone looked like. They had picture after picture, but if hed tried,
he could always see them when he closed his eyes, first Indy, then Julie, then Chipette and Tom - now of course dating
each other, he drifted into sleep, thinking of how wonderful it would be if they all met up again. Then Roy-Neal came
into sight. Unlike the others, he was not in the Coffeehouse, he was in a room surrounded by book after book. There
was a map on the wall as well. He appeared to be looking for something.
Suddenly to Chris's surprise, Roy-Neal turned to him.
"It's no use, I can't find it!" he siad to Chris, who was very, very startled both by the revelation, and that his dream was
talking to him.
"What are you looking for, Roy-Neal?"
"The answer! We've got to save them!" came the answer
"Save who?" Chris asked
"Who on earth is that wierd guy talking too" a passenger said to her husband, sat just behind Chris
"Look, two heads are better than one!" Roy-Neal shouted to him, "will you come and help"
"Oh, I'd love to Roy-Neal, but I've really got to go back to Edinburgh and finish my term, and besides, how do I get
there?
"He's still talking to himself, dear, maybe we should call the guard"
"Maybe we should call the police" came the reply
"Now" , Roy-Neal said to Chris "Are you really and truly wanting to go back there
"No"
"Are you going to be doing the best you can whilst you're there?"
"No"
"Are you gonna be thinkin' about work, or the wonderful Christmas you had last year?"
"That's obvious"
"Well, come on and help then, you'll feel a lot better, and you'll be doing something worthwhile as well - saving the
world!" Roy-Neal extended his hand
"Well, when you put it that way, there's no question. Of course I'm coming" Chris reached out his hand to grab that of
Roy-Neals. The hands touched, and Chris was pulled up through the air and through the roof of the train carriage.
"Better call Mulder and Scully" the female passenger with the white face said to her husband.
"Better call the papers, this is a great story! Plus, then we get payed too instead of flung in a hospital" the husband
replied enthusiastically
Colin, the train attendant, who was just bring Chris the drivers supper, which Chris woul;d take out at the next stop, hit
the floor with a large "thunp"
Chris was flying he was out, up in the sky beign pulled towards the west by an inexplicable force. It was a clear night,
and the moon was shining bright. He could see the stars, the constellations, and it was breath-taking. As he looked
down he could see the jagged Munro mountains underneath him, covered with Snow, every so often he would pass a
farmhouse, some occupied, some desolate. As he approached the coast he felt his speed increasingly, the force was
growing, and pulling him with it all the time. He simply couldn't believe what was happening, crossing the Atlantic
quicker than any Aeroplane. In less than 5 minutes, he was approaching the coast of America, and, changing direction
moved South Westerly over the continent, flying over state after state, he noticed the temperature getting hotter, it was
more humid too. He was not familiar with the Geography of America, well not when it was directly beneath him, but he
presumed this was towards the South - Alabama, or Tennessee, or Missippi - somewhere like that. Suddenly, he
realized where he was, it was the area that Roy-Neal lived.
The force pulled him downward towards the ground, his speed decreasing, he shot down through the atmosphere, as
the ground came closer, he could see some bats feeding. He calculated the time difference, yes it was around midnight
now, if he'd been as quick as he thought. He saw a cabin down-below, it looked strangely familiar. He was being
pulled down towards it, but he didn't fear that ensation somehow, he knew that it was where Roy-Neal was.
A mixture of emotions flowed through him, the wonder at what he had just experienced, and the joy that he was going
to be meeting a Rangerphiles again, and maybe more, at this same, special time of year as well. His wish that they
would see each other again, had at least started to come true.
He landed on the ground, and as if on cue, a certain Roy-Neal Grissom opened the door.
they exchanged a warm hug, and Chris was invited into the cabin.
"Wow, you've got a strong hand-shake there, Roy-Neal!" Chris joked as he walked in the door. He looked around,
the cabin was the same as he had seen in his so-called dream, the books, the maps. He congratulated himself on this
phtographic memory.
After being handed a drink, Chris decided to get down to business
"So Roy-Neal, what is the problem here then?"
Roy-Neals face became sober
"It's very, very serious Chris. I'll try to fill you in....."
* * *
All that, just to join in! Hope I never write a novel, eh?
Okay, who's next?
Dale (but since this will probably involve Rangers at some point, Chris in the story)
-----
Lunchtime in Tucson
Julie was eating some delicious homemade rolls her mother had sent back with her to the dorm. "And there's still that
whole pumpkin pie in the fridge," the student moaned; she had had enough of pumpkin pie for the timebeing.
"Well...maybe after my nap..." She was thirsty, and, despite the high sugar content and general unhealthiness of the
beverage, decided to have a Cherry 7Up because that way she wouldn't have to wash a glass. So she opened the
refrigerator.
Ah, the refrigerator...how long ago was it that there had been a mayonaise fight in that very refrigerator? Julie sighed,
remembering so many adventures past.
And a voice came from the refrigerator.
In French.
Interrupting her thoughts.
Julie and the French language don't get along.
"Quit defacing my memories!" she yelled, thinking her month-old Spaghetti-os she never managed to take out of there
had finally grown into a sentient being. "You think you're so special, *Chef* Boyardee--I'll bet you didn't even GO to a
culinary institute, you--"
A sentient being with scars? Contrary to all red-haired Anime guys with scars that Julie knew about, this man was
rather ugly. Well, and his hair wasn't red... He grinned, exposing his rotting teeth. Maybe *real* guys with scars
weren't so cool... Julie twitched.
"Quit ruining my fantasies!" she yelled, bringing out her Magic Sword. The man in the refrigerator brought out an
electromagnet and took it for himself!
"Give that back!" Julie complained.
The man just laughed, in French (much more romantic than an English laugh), and slashed at Julie.
When she woke up, she was on the floor of her room, without her sword. Panicked, she ran into the hallway and
grabbed the first guy who passed by. "You've gotta help me! Some crazy French guy came in and he--"
The young man looked away. Julie GAZED at him.
Nothing happened.
The young man shrugged Julie's arm off his shoulder and walked off.
Julie went back into her room and sunk into her chair. "Not just my sword...he took my...my..." She couldn't bring
herself to finish the sentence, and, in a fit of depression, tried to do homework.
Julie
-----
Enter... the dragon...
A lone figure brings out a dagger with a cat eye design on the hilt. He brings it up and begins. "thunder... Thunder...
THUNDER... THUNDERCATS, HOOOOO!"
::The story grinds to a halt. After the sounds of heavy machinery are heard, the story starrts again.::
SOMEWHERE IN OKLAHOMA...
A lone figure gets off the bus from school. After checking the mail he begins walking down the driveway to his house.
He gets inside and puts away his bookbag.
"Another day of high school. Thankfully, Christmas vacation is coming soon," Chris said to himself. Suddenly, he heard
the cats outside making a ruckus over something. "Probably just wanting to be fed again." He stepped out the door and
was immediately POUNCEd by a familiar form.
"Boogie! Boogie! Hiya Chris!"
"Dyglo! (for it was he) You scared me senseless!"
"That probably didn't take much. You gotta come quick! Something has the other Rangerphiles in an uproar!" And with
that, Dyglo dragged Chris out of his home and took to the sky with him, despite Chris's protests.
Dyglo
-----
And the Jaguar. . .
[...unWARP!!!]
Good evening.
*************
It wasn't that it was unusually cold in the Mexican Jungle, or the fact that he hadn't seen Bunnie in a while. The thing
was that he was still coughing a bit, and he couldn't shake off this ****** influenza.
His warping ablilities were not impaird, but the coughing sometimes gave him away.
As he pedaled back to his lair from the school, he wondered if he should take more days off and see if he could
recover finally.
He arrived at his lair, put his bike away, and decided to warp to the CENOTE for some fresh catfish
[WARP!!!]
However, something unusual happened this time. Instead of an instantaneous appearance next to the pond, he suddenly
found himself in a dimentional wormhole.
He frantically searched for direction, balance, a foot-pawhold. . .
YOU HAVE BEEN DIVERTED. DO NOT BE ALARMED. YOUR FRIENDS NEED HELP. YOU WILL
UNWARP WHERE YOU ARE NEEDED.
"All right, what's going on now?"
*************
Until next time, remember:
I AM THE J.A.M.
Good evening.
[WARP!!!]
The J.A.M.
-----
Another one joins in
In the great stae of PA John Alan Davidson is just getting home after a long day of classes. He drops his books off in
hus room and heads out to the lobby. But before he can get there a person stops him.
"So this is what you have been doing with yourself?"
"Q, what do I owe the pleasure of this surprise?"
"Oh nothing just decided to get away from the old ball and chain for a while. Thought I would drop in on you."
"Cool so what's new in the continuum?"
"Oh the same old stuff. Q has been blowing hot air again, and don't get me started on Q, what a pain in the behind."
"Yeah Q has always been that way"
"Do you feel up to a little adventure, John?"
"What do you mean by a little adventure"
"Oh. you'll see" And without warning he zaps John away.
John D
-----
On the road again...
Karl had always wanted a motorhome. One of those middle-sized ones that you could drive up into the hills on the
logging roads if you really wanted to do such a silly thing with something so incredibly costly. In this particular reality,
Karl had one.
He had painted "The Magic Bus II" on the side.
Now for a road trip!
He considered visiting Tom, who was only about a thousand miles away, or maybe even less, but then he realized that
Tom would be in the clutches of MFP for a while, and possibly not in the mood for a visit. That left one other
possibility, and Karl smiled happily as he thought of Julie and her carefree ways of hacking people up with sharpened
metal implements. Of course!
He would drive to Arizona!
On the way he discovered that the cruise control really wasn't an auto-pilot, but that's another story.
Arriving at Julie's University Dorm parking lot, Karl freshened up a bit (motor homes are good for that) so he wouldn't
look so disreputable. An unshaven, rumpled, middle aged man with carry-out food stains on his shirt would get harsh
treatment from the authorities, he assumed, if he was found wandering the hallways of a girl's dorm...
He put on his Very Proper Dark Suit, and lifted his Very Impressive Laptop Computer case, clipped a cellphone to his
hip, and strode briskly to the building.
He soon found that Julie was in, and that she was terribly depressed. When Karl walked in she even, in desperation,
Gazed at him. Oddly enough, Karl felt something, but it wasn't MFP.
"Tell Uncle Karl what's the matter, Julie luv!"
"Julie luv?" She replied.
"I'm suddenly feeling rather Montyish." He answered, which is odd when you consider that I'm not all that large a man."
"You're not exactly a midget."
"True, but what happened here?" He changed the subject in a clumsy sort of way.
Julie told him of the foul and evil refrigerated Frenchman who had taken her magic sword and deprived her of her
Magical Female Powers.
Karl was stunned by this terrible news, for what mere man could be so mad, attempting to contain within himself the
cosmic forces of MFP?
"The power cannot be destroyed, you know. Since it is natural to you, it should renew itself in you before long. The
man who took it will find its power weakening over a few day's time, but..." Karl began to laugh.
"What's the joke?"
"Julie, who does MFP most effect?"
"Men, silly! Well some women. But that's another story."
"And what nationality of men most pride themselves in matters of l'amour?"
"Your accent stinks, but the French."
"And what is the first thing you do when you get up in the morning?"
"Is this a personal question?"
"Humor me."
"I look in the mirror."
"So, tomorrow morning, if a certain Frenchman looks into the mirror, into his own eyes...?"
Julie giggled all the way to the Burger King.
Karl
-----
Man-Child answers some questions from Chris
"What I'd really like to know," Chris (Dale) said, "is how you were able to transport me that way. I didn't know you
could do anything like that. Is it because of the esoteric knowledge you've gained by reading these musty tomes?"
"Are you kiddin'???" Man-Child responded, "I can't do anything like that!"
"Then how did . . . "
"Fortunately, and believe it or not, I actually have a friend who has Magical Female Powers(tm). I made a little phone
call and here you are. I think you know her," he added softly.
"So what's the story?" Dale asked.
"Dale, I have been studying these ancient texts and have found messages recorded at Equidistant Letter Spaces, or
ELS. Many such messages are bound to show up in any text due to sheer randomness. However, there are other
messages that statistically cannot be random. They are warnings about the future!"
"Wow!" Dale said, impressed.
"This is what I found!" Man-Child said, trembling with excitement as he pointed to writing that not only looked like a
bunch of chicken scratchings, but was moreover so small it practically required an electron microscope to make out.
"Um, what's it say?" Dale asked.
"It says, and I quote, 'vav tsha"s'. See? See?????????"
"That's . . . nice," Dale observed, beginning to back away.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Let me explain. The letter vav is the equivalent of the number '6,' and tsha"s comes out as 760. Do
you understand the significance of that number?"
"Which one?"
"Both! You see, it means the sixth 760. The sixth time the year 760 occurs. Now the first year 760 was the year 760,
period. The second year 760 was in the second millenium, the year 1760. And thus the third, fourth, etc. Now this
combination means the sixth year 760, that is, the year 5760. THAT'S THIS YEAR!!!"
"Well," Dale said, scratching his head, "what does this mean for us?"
"Dale, the non-random message encrypted in Equidistant Letter Spaces predicts disaster! Catastrophe!!! OF
WORLDWIDE, MONUMENTAL PROPORTIONS!!!!!""
"You mean . . . you mean . . . Y2K?" Dale asked in a voice that was nothing more than a hoarse whisper.
"Yes Dale! I always dismissed the doomsayers, but now I see something predicted for THIS YEAR in these ancient
tomes! And we've got to do something!!!"
"How can we prevent something that is already foreordained?" Dale asked, honestly enough.
"Well, this is very difficult to explain, but these references to the future are not just of a single series of events. The
hidden messages in these ancient tomes present literally an infinite amount of possibilities--all possible contingencies. I
think the Star Trek people would call it the 'multiverse' or the 'omniverse' or something."
"Which means this disaster may or may not happen?"
"No Dale, it's going to happen, but how it ends could be any one of an infinite number of possibilities. We can't let the
disastrous contingencies come about, Dale. We can't!" Man-Child looked more serious and alarmed than Dale had
ever seen him look before.
"What can we do?" Dale asked.
"Remember last year at the Rescue Ranger Coffeehouse, when we were simultaneously attacked by the villains from
several different realities?" Dale nodded. "Well, somehow that Coffeehouse on the Dragon Planet is located in the
vortex of all the realities. Whatever is going to happen, it is going to begin THERE. And we, our fellow Rangerphiles,
and our heroes the Rescue Rangers themselves, have got to return there somehow and prepare ourselves to begin
countermeasures at the very outset! There is a Malignant Will behind all this, Dale. I just know it!"
"Are we going to ride the bus again?" Dale asked eagerly. He really had enjoyed that trip last year.
"That's the problem. I'm afraid Boz has disappeared, and with him his character The Phantom Lord. I'm not sure how
we're going to all get there, but we must!"
"And you need me to . . . ?"
"To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. I don't think you have the training to decipher these texts, and that's where the
answer to getting there will be found. I'm sure of it!"
"Um, I hope you have plenty to eat here," Dale said.
"You kiddin'? I didn't get this bod through self-denial you know! I'm sure I've got somethin' around here. Let's see."
And he began checking the closets for the notoriously unhealthy snacks for which he was justly famed.
"I feel badly about eating you out of cabin and home when I can't be of any service," Dale said, looking down slightly.
"Don't worry about it," Man-Child said, continuing to collect nibblies, "since the first thing Our Mutual Friend did after I
called her was to use her Magical Female Powers(tm) to zap you here, I'm sure this is the best place for you to be. I
have a lot of faith in our friend."
"And this friend's name is . . . ?" Dale dangled, tucking a way a few of Man-Child's Mother's homemade biscuits.
Man-Child abruptly stopped what he was doing and looked at him.
"Annie Mae Sue!"
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
* * *
"Come on, Roy Neal!" Rachel said as she packed the last of her things from her dorm room. She was delighted to
meet one of her Rangerphile friends from the Internet. It had been so serendipitous, him just turning up like that. She
was glad he hadn't been there when she zapped her vic--I mean her friend Jeremy, though. She knew The Enduring
Man-Child was so easily intimidated by Magical Female Powers(tm)!
Inside the hallway The Enduring Man-Child stood, looking not at all like himself. Oh, he had Man-Child's voice and
body, but his expression, his attitude, everything that made The Enduring Man-Child who he was, was quite different.
His face seemed to indicate a confidence, a feeling of supreme adequacy, and something decidedly sinister. For this
was not in fact The Enduring Man-Child at all. The real Enduring Man-Child was in his cabin in the middle of nowhere
entertaining his friend Dale while waiting for something to turn up. This "Enduring Man-Child" was an Evil Imposter!
"Coming Rachel," he answered her in a low, confident, sinister voice. "I am only removing the last of your effects from
the hallway." But in fact, he was not. Instead of Rachel's books on theatre and music (which he was leaving behind) he
had repacked those boxes with a number of plates from the dining hall, a few bottles of laminating shellac, and loads
and loads of . . . molasses!!!!!
* * *
The Hungry Blizzard was the most notorious dive in the Arctic--a place so far to the north, so far beyond the nearest
human habitation of any sort, that neither the Alaskan State Police, the FBI, nor the Royal Canadian Mounted Police
ever bothered to go there. It was populated exclusively by the most irredeemable, most criminal, most disturbed, and
lowest dregs of Arctic society: poachers, killers, people who had done no telling what [shiver!!!], and the scum of
fallen elves and reindeer. Into this foul, perverted place, this veritable Gate of H*ll, this source of the filthy stench of a
slaughterhouse, a figure entered so speedily and full of desperation that it didn't even bother to close the front door
behind it. It was none other than: Rudolph--the Red Nosed Reindeer!!!
"Where's . . . where's Pete?" he panted, "I've got to see Pete--now!"
All they eyes in the room--as they were those of demons--turned upon the little reindeer. One particularly foul and
wicked looking THING, that may have at one time been a human being, turned its red eyes directly on Rudolph's and
opened its puss-filled, slobbering mouth.
"He ain't here--little reindeer!" it spoke in a voice that indicated its IQ was lower than the temperature, and then burst
out laughing maniacally, joined by every other denizen of this den of iniquity.
"But . . . but . . . where'd he go?" Rudolph asked, "You don't understand. I--I've got to see Pete now! Immediately!"
It took his interlocutor some time before it had gathered enough of its wits to internally translate Rudolph's words into
whatever language in which it spoke or thought.
"Well . . . he sed he wuz a-goin' somewhere real warm!!!" And the idiotic laughter began again.
Rudolph's mouth hung open as he stood there amidst the gawking sinners. But only for a moment.
"H*ck!" said Rudolph.
No one rebuked him.
"The Enduring Man-Child"
-----
Now what?
There was a knock at the cabin door. Man-Child opened it just a crack.
"Annie Mae!" he exclaimed happily on recognizing his visitor.
"How you doin', hon?" she responded in her usually friendly and garrulous manner, "An' how you doin', Dale darlin'?"
She gave Dale a hug which he obviously appreciated.
"Annie Mae!" Man-Child interrupted her, "Quick! Use your Magical Female Powers(tm) to zap us all to the Rescue
Ranger Coffeehouse on the Dragon Planet! We've got to confront whatever is going to happen there at its very outset,
or the realities could all be in deadly peril!"
Annie Mae's countenance dropped considerably. "No can do, hon. Ah wuz able tuh make it as far as the nearest li'l ol'
town but then mah Magical Female Powahs(tm) jes' up an' lef' me. Ah had to wawk all the way heah, Ah'm afraid."
"A female without Magical Female Powers(tm)?" Dale asked, shocked at the very thought. "That's like a presumably
extinct giant South American ground sloth without its GLAND!"
"Ah know that, Hon," she said, "fortunately mah li'l ol' GLAND is still up to snuff, seein' as how it's only a biochemical
thingie aftuh all (don't worry y'all's li'l ol' heads about it none; Ah got no problems with controllin' it!). But thet ain't
a-gonna git us tuh the Dragon Planet, is it?"
"I had not taken such a contingency into consideration," Man-Child said in a low voice that belied his growing sense of
panic. "Obviously it is beginning already. The Malevolent Will is already opposing us by trying to deprive us of the
means to get to the Coffeehouse. We'll need to get in touch with another one of our female friends instead. I'll get on
the phone!"
"Hey . . . what if this Malevolent Will is removing the Magical Female Powers(tm) from all the lady Rangerphiles? Or
even from all females, period?"
"I hadn't thought of that!" Man-Child was truly horrified now. "That would mean that the Malevolent Will is not merely
trying to keep us from the Dragon Planet; it is fiendishly gathering all the world's Magical Female Powers(tm) to use for
its own evil, destructive purposes! What are we gonna do???"
"Too bad thet theah li'l ol' Phantom Lord feller ain't heah with his li'l ol' Magic Bus," Annie Mae said.
"Yes," Man-Child answered. "We've barely begun and already we are almost defeated. I've got to think of something!
We've got to gather all the Rangerphiles and the Rescue Rangers to the Coffeehouse! We've got to! Help me think,
will you?"
"Sho' 'nuff, hon!" Annie Mae said as she furrowed her brow. Soon the crowded little study was witnessing the pacing
of three very troubled people.
"I must stop Y2K from coming!" Man-Child told himself, rapping his fingers across his cranium, "But how???"
* * *
"The Magic Bus II, huh?" Julie asked, looking at Karl's decorated trailer, "It would be nice to spend Christmas at the
Coffeehouse again. Too bad it can't truly transport us to Boz' dimension. And I'm afraid till my Magical Female
Powers(tm) return I can't get us there either." For both she and Karl were expecting her MFP(tm)'s to return shortly.
Little did they know what evil Forces were honing in on them even now!
* * *
"Nurse Joy, my Vulpix' flame is a little low. Could you keep it a few days and try to get it back up to snuff?" Brock
asked the beautiful redheaded girl at the Viridian City Pokemon center.
"It'll be my pleasure!" she chirped happily, taking the Vulpix from him and paging some Chanseys with a gurney. Brock
turned back to his friends.
"Hey, wait a minute. Something's wrong here," Ash said, scratching his noggin beneath his baseball cap.
"Pika!" his Pikachu agreed, mimicking his trainer's head scratch.
"Oh, you're both just paranoid!" Misty said, her nose in the air.
Ash just stared blankly at her. "No. I can tell. I should be feeling something now, but . . . wait! Brock, why didn't you
blush and try to impress Nurse Joy just now?"
"Oh. Well, yes, that is unusual," Misty reluctantly agreed.
"Your Vulpix is in its room now and we'll take good care of it. Check back in just a couple days," Nurse Joy said,
returning to the desk.
Brock stared blankly at her.
"What's the matter?" she asked him uneasily.
"Nurse Joy, am I blushing?" Brock asked her.
"No you're not. Is this significant?" Then suddenly she face faulted. "I--it is significant!" she said in terror, "I know you!
You're Brock of Pewter City! You're hopelessly in love with every pretty girl you see (which makes you seem shallow
even though the years you spent caring for your siblings show you're really sensitive as well as handome)! I . . . I feel
faint!" She would have fallen had not Brock caught her.
"Ash what's wrong with me?" Brock asked his friend as he cradled Nurse Joy in his arms.
"It's not you . . . it's . . . I got it!" he said with a gesture of triumph, "It's Nurse Joy! She's lost her Magical Female
Powers(tm)!"
"No . . . no . . . this can't be happening . . . " Nurse Joy said in a whisper as Brock held her up.
"And that's what I felt earlier!" Ash said, turning to Misty, "Instead of being tormented by your cruel beauty and your
disdain of me (the humblest guy on the planet), I find that your power over me is also gone!"
"Me too?" Misty stammered, "you mean Nurse Joy and I have both lost our Magical Female Powers(tm)? How could
that happen? Are we sick?"
"Pika pi, kachu, pika pika, CHA!" Pikachu said with some urgency, tugging on his trainers' pant leg.
"Pikachu says he senses a Malevolent Will behind all this!" Ash translated, some panic becoming evident in his voice.
"You mean . . . you mean Team Rocket?" Misty asked, feeling a little faint herself now.
"I don't think so," Brock said, still helping Nurse Joy to remain on her feet, "Team Rocket are essentially lovable villains
whose unbroken string of failures allows the kids' market to watch our show without any anxiety as would be
presented by real danger. I don't see them as being able to do such a thing. Besides, the gals in Team Rocket (to
whom I inexplicably feel no attraction whatsoever) might be equally affected."
"It's an evil force from another reality!" Ash said, snapping his fingers.
"PIKA!!!" his Pikachu agreed with him.
"Brock, what are we gonna do?" Nurse Joy asked him as he assisted her to walk over to a chair and take a seat.
"I don't know, Nurse Joy. But we have got to do something somehow! You're no fun without your Powers(tm)."
She nodded at him.
* * *
"Chip, would you mind helping me with something?" Gadget asked her friend and teammate.
"Sorry Gadget. I don't know anything about mechanics. You'll really do much better on your own. I think I'm going to
play with this piece of string I just found."
"?????????????????"
Meanwhile, in their room, Dale was still in Seventh Heaven as his lovely wife continued to GAZE upon him. "Le sigh!"
he said. "What did I ever do to deserve such an angel as you, Foxy?"
Foxglove dropped her GAZE and giggled, blushing madly.
* * *
H*ck!" said Rudolph.
"The Enduring Man-Child"
-----
North to Alaska
A tire iron and cat o'nine tails are usually enough to persuade the most stubborn adversary into giving up the
information. But as Smoov and Timmy Tire found out, they were up against a totally new animal...
WHACK! "Come on, Frog P***y!"
BAM! "Tell us what you've done with Julie's MFP's!"
"Don't you know? I am made of solid aluminum. You can dent me and bruise me, but in the end I will be merely
recycled!"
"Let's go." As they barged into Julie's dorm, Timmy mumbled, "This bastard's going into the microwave." "No, no,
NO!!! I am empty! I will tell you now!"
Smoov grabbed the sword from Julie and brandished it menacingly. "Give me the right answer, honey, or you'll find out
how many places this bad boy can fit."
Through a pinched mouth, the Chef sputtered but one word: Alaska...
"Gimme more!"
"Half of it went to the North Pole. The other half went to Anchorage. This guy Pete said he was gonna fence it to some
bald dude with glasses, Numskull or something. Attach it to the tips of the sleigh so he can get some to every house in
the world."
"Yeah?"
"It'll combine with the snow to create a powerful earthquake anytime a guy gets that, you know, Magical feeling. It will
drive him so mad, posess him so strongly, that all men affected bore holes in the ground from their jumping up and
down."
"What about the Anchorage stuff?"
"Ah, yes, the weapons-grade MFP from your Tennessee friend. We placed some in Jeff Boschee's duffel bag. This is
set to detonate a powerful blast of MFP all over Kemper Arena on December 30 upon missing his first shot."
SMACK! "Jerkoff!," yelled Timmy. "You know he's erratic. He's all over the place!"
"Yes, and in Y2K, you all will be as well."
"But why here? Why us?"
"It was Wilt. The effect of Nimnul's MFP quake on him alone could wipe California, Oregon and Washington off the
map. But someone got to him before us. The other one needs those crazy blue pills just to set the fuse. But with a stack
of corpses just before New Year's, the Francophone Liberation Army of North America will make its voice heard!"
"Hey, I've heard of you guys! You wouldn't happen to know this tall mouse in a beret, goes by the name of Desiree?",
asked Smoov.
"Yeeessss...", sighed the Chef dreamily. "She went mad when I slathered her in Cheese Ravioli."
"Tell me somethin' I don't know, honey! By the way, how come you never made Gadget-Os?"
"It was Eisner. He hit me with an intellectual property suit."
"What a major low down drag, baby."
Timmy chimed in, "But why use MFPs?" Couldn't you find a simpler way to wreak havoc?"
"Gentlemen. . .you already know Des, right?" Both nodded. "Do you not know how just a touch of MFP, a beret, a
gigantico-ray, and a little plastic surgery can nearly bring down a President?"
"What are you gettin' at, child?"
"All I am saying, is...Desiree DeLure knows firsthand!"
"You sorry piece of ****! Hey Trung! Trung Canidate!"
"Yeah?"
"You're a football player. Crush this tin can against your forehead!"
"Sure thing."
And the Boyardee menace was snuffed out. But now, it was north to Alaska to save the world...
Donny
-----
I believe I can fly...
The two figures cut through the sky like it was... well... air! "Dyglo, thanks for letting me get into a more comfortable
place, but you still haven't told me where we're going," remarked Chris (RC).
"Well, I don't know myself," replied Dyglo. "I don't know what it is, but I know something is wrong."
"Okay, I guess I can live with that, but why are we flying in this thunderstorm? Sure, we look cool flying around up
here, but what's the purpose?"
"Purpose? You wanted to have a purpose for flying? I didn't know that."
"You mean we're putting ourselves at risk for no reason at all?!?!?"
"Well, if you want to put it that way... yes." While this conversation was going on, the storm raging around them had
taken on a strange quality. Lightning flashed violently around them in various different colors. One came especially
close to hitting the dragon and it's rider.
"Hey! watch where you're flying, Dyglo!"
"It wasn't me! This storm is acting weird!" Just then, bolts of all the rainbow's colors struck the exact same spot. A rip
in their reality formed and began drawing any animal in the vicinity towards it. Since no animal in their right mind would
be out in a storm like this, Chris and Dyglo were the only two around.
"Ack! Temporal anomaly! Hang on Chris!"
The dragon and the human entered the rip. When they did, the rip snapped closed, and the two were winked out of
their universe.
_________________________________________________
MEANWHILE...
Mobius... a place of amazement. From space, nobody could tell of the war raging on there. You aren't going to see
one of the battles. I show you something of much greater importance. I present to you, Knothole... home of the
Freedom Fighters...
Sally stepped out of her hut and caught sight of just the hedgehog she was looking for. "Sonic! Could you help me
please?"
"Aww, Sally! Do I have to?"
Sally walked up to Sonic and GAZED upon him! "Please?"
"Sorry, I've, uh, gotta go talk to Rotor about something."
Puzzled, Sally GAZED upon Sonic again. "Please? It's important..."
"Sorry, no dice... and quit looking at me like that."
Realization slammed into her like a truck. "They're gone! NOO!" she shouted as she collapsed to her knees.
Sonic looked down at her. "What's gone?"
"My Powers(tm)..."
_________________________________________________
"But who would do something so despicable as take someone's Powers(tm)?" asked Misty as they sat in the waiting
room.
"I don't know. I don't see why they would want them either," replied Ash.
Outside, there was a kind of a snap. A large shadow passed over the Pokémon Center.
"PIKA!!"
Brock sprung to his feet. "What was that?"
Outside, a thud could be heard. "That's the last time I let you decide where to fly," commented a voice.
"I told you it wasn't my fault!" retorted another...
Dyglo
(
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