by Debra Janette Ballard
A Time for Letting Go by Debra Janette Ballard 1997
Babylon 5 copyright of Babylonian Productions, all quoted works copyright of their respective owners.
This story is a stand-alone, with no relationship to any of my previous stories.
Thanks to my beta readers, Linda, Wendy, and Jenna.
Comments always welcome: Debra evenstar@hpnc.com
To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1
There's a time for love and a time for letting go. 20th century love song
Scene: Babylon 5 during the last days of the war with Clark. The docking bays are awash in injured beings, their cries and the smell of blood creating a nightmarish atmosphere more akin to a setting by Dante than a space station. Franklin and his staff are doing the best they can, but they are vastly outnumbered and infinitely tired, having worked with only short naps and little food for days.
Above the cries of the patients and through the haze in his tired eyes, Stephen hears then sees Marcus, pushing a medbed with someone lying still on it - Susan! Marcus doesn't look much better, with his cape in tatters around him and tears in his tunic and pants showing the wounds beneath them.
"Marcus! What happened?"
"Our ship was badly hit, a beam fell on top of her. We were able to move the beam, but she hasn't regained consciousness since then. I got her here as quickly as I could. Stephen, please! Please help her." Marcus is nearly mad with worry.
Franklin runs his portable medscanner over Susan, his countenance darkening. "It doesn't look good, Marcus. Susan's suffered tremendous internal injuries, including massive head trauma." He calls for help in moving to her to Medlab, two Narn security men come to help push her. The five of them began hurrying toward Medlab, Marcus trying to keep in physical contact with Susan, her hair, her hand, anything. "Marcus, let me look at your wounds." Stephen says, trying to scan Marcus as they go along.
"No, no, they're not serious, what about Susan, will she make it?"
"I'm not sure Marcus, I'm going to run more scans on her in Medlab, but..."
"She has to live Stephen. If there is anything I can do..."
"Pray Marcus, because I think she's going to need more help than I can give her." Marcus' face is filled with anguish. Stephen continues "Now, stay outside and let us examine her, okay?"
"All right" Marcus' voice is barely audible, thick with the tears he is holding inside.
Stephen and Dr. Hobbs run tests, double-checking one another's conclusions to be sure of the diagnosis.
Marcus springs to his feet when Franklin comes out "Stephen..."
Now it is Stephen's turn to have trouble speaking. "Marcus" he croaks, then clears his throat, takes a deep breath "Marcus, I am so sorry. The damage is too great, there is nothing we have now that can heal her. I'm going to put her in cryo in the hope that she can be helped sometime in the future, but I thought you might like a little time alone with her before." He doesn't even finish his statement before Marcus starts moaning, tears streaming down his face as he shakes his head in denial.
"No, no, it's not fair, Stephen, I didn't even get to tell her I love her. How can I live without her?"
"Marcus, I am more sorry than you will ever know, but I can't heal her, not now at least. Now I need to get the cryo chamber ready, but if you want me to stay.." trails off.
"No, you're right, I'd like to be alone with her a little while." Stephen misses the wild gleam in the back of Marcus' eyes, he is too tired and grief-stricken himself to notice the subtle change in Marcus' posture. As soon as he leaves, Marcus goes to Franklin's office. There is so much chaos, no one notices when he brings an alien device out with him.
As Marcus begins to hook Susan and himself up to the life-transference device, he talks to her. "Susan, my love, Stephen told me all about this machine on the way to Mars. I think he was trying to shut me up for a little while. Well, he won't have to listen to me much longer, I hope he can forgive me. Susan, I love you, I have from the moment I laid eyes on you. When you're better and think of me, please remember I love you and did this because of that love." With his free hand, he strokes Susan's hair back from her face and leans over to kiss her lips "One kiss before parting, my love." As he throws the switch, Stephen comes into the room, shouts
"Marcus, no!"
Nothing happens. Marcus is furious "Why isn't this working Stephen? What didn't you tell me?"
"What do you think you're doing?"
"I want Susan to live, I don't want to live without her."
"Well, that's too bad, Marcus, you don't get to die today." Franklin is exhausted and his voice is harsh. "You seem to be forgetting, I told you that I hadn't discovered why the device worked, only that it was probably First Ones' technology. Well, with the war and a few other distractions, I haven't been able to study it much lately. Evidently, when the First Ones left, whatever made this device work went with them. Now let's get you and Susan out of this so I can put her in cryo before it's too late."
Marcus unstraps himself mechanically as Franklin and his staff begin prepping Susan. "Stephen, if you are going to put her in cryo, I want to be in cryo, too, until she is revived."
Franklin, who had thought himself past any shock, finds his voice after a few seconds. "No! No way Marcus. I am not going to let you waste your life on the chance that she can be revived sometime in the future. I know, and you would admit it, too, if you were thinking rationally, that Susan wouldn't want that. Besides, I have a lot of critically injured folks here and I'm not going to waste a chamber on you or anyone else who doesn't have to be in one."
In the meantime, Lennier has come in with some injured Minbari. Stephen enlists his help. "Lennier, will you please make sure Marcus stays put until I can get a look at his wounds?"
"Of course, Dr." Lennier says. Marcus makes a move to follow Susan as they move her to the cryo chamber. Lennier stops him with one hand on his shoulder "Please do not move until Dr. Franklin returns, Marcus. I do not wish to add to your injuries."
"But Susan."
"Is not going anywhere. Be thankful that she still lives and is in cryo now, many of our people did not survive."
Marcus pushes his hair out of his eyes with his left hand, for some reason his right one (the one at the end of the shoulder Lennier's hand is on) doesn't seem to be working. "Is Entil'Zha all right?"
"Delenn is fine, but many have given their lives in this battle, including my clan brother Dannier."
"I'm sorry, Lennier, shouldn't you be getting ready for Fl'shon, the farewell ceremony?"
"I will grieve for my clan brother later" Lennier gives Marcus one of his most penetrating gazes. "Now is the time for the living, Marcus, the ones with more service left to give."
"I don't know if I have anything left to give Lennier, my heart just left" Marcus is so weary in body and spirit that he can barely get the words out. "And my one good suit of clothes is pretty much a washout, too."
"Your heart is injured by its great loss, Marcus, but it will recover. As for your clothes, they can be replaced much easier than you."
Stephen returns to the room. Marcus would have jumped up, but Lennier hasn't moved his hand and now that whole side doesn't want to work. "Well, she is in full cryogenic suspension now, there's nothing more I can do for her now. Let's have a look at you." Marcus would have protested, but Lennier 'helps' him to a medbed. Stephen scans Marcus "Numerous lacerations over most of your body and 2 cracked ribs. No sign of infection, no foreign material still in the wounds - easy to treat, provided you rest."
"I will make sure he rests, Dr. Franklin."
"Good," works on Marcus awhile. "That should take care of everything. I'll want to look at your wounds again tomorrow to make sure there's no infection, but other than that, I'm releasing you to Lennier's care" hands Lennier some pills in a container. "These are for the pain and to make him sleep, will make your job much easier."
"Thank you Dr. Franklin. Shall we go Marcus?"
"All right, doesn't really matter where I am anyway if I can't be with her," gathers the tatters of his clothing around him - between the tears made when he received his wounds and those made by Stephen as he treated the wounds, there is very little left to gather together. "I don't suppose you have any spare medical gowns lying about, Stephen? I have very little left in my life, but would like to retain some of my dignity."
"I can do you one better." Stephen goes to his desk, pulls a loose fitting gray shirt and pants out of a bottom drawer "I keep these here in case I want to work out after my shift."
"On behalf of myself and those I will pass in the corridors, I thank you," goes into another room and changes, comes back out carrying the remains of his Ranger clothing. He is wearing his pin on his borrowed outfit "Right, let's go then. Thank you Stephen, for everything."
"You're welcome, Marcus, I wish I could have done more."
"And I wish that device had worked, but we don't always get what we wish for." Stephen watches the two leave with a heavy weight in his chest that has nothing to do with his tired body. He could heal Marcus' body, but who would heal his heart?
Marcus and Lennier go to Marcus' quarters "Really, it isn't necessary for you to baby-sit me Lennier."
"Baby-sit? I do not understand, Marcus, why should one want to sit on a baby? And, as you are an adult of your species, I do not think the term could apply to you."
"Baby-sit, Lennier, as in watch over me like I was helpless or needed adult supervision. I'm neither, I just don't want to live without Susan."
"Ah, I understand the term now, 'baby-sit', interesting. You do need supervision, Marcus, to make sure you get the rest you need. Lie down and I will get you some water for your medicine."
Marcus does this reluctantly, taking off his boots and socks "Why are you doing this Lennier?"
"We are friends, Marcus, that is what friends are for. Besides, I feel an obligation to you."
Marcus' face reflects his confusion as he takes the water from Lennier, swallows the pills "Again I must ask why? I know of no favor I've done for you."
"When I asked you to prevent Neroon from stopping Delenn's ceremony, you were willing to die for her in order to do just that. I consider that a very big favor."
Marcus' speech is slightly slurred "That was no favor, I would die for the One"... his voice trails off as his eyelids close.
"I know, my friend, but she would rather have you live for her" Lennier says softly, replacing the glass by the spartan sink. He sits cross-legged in front of the door leading to the corridor, beginning his fast for Dannier as he 'baby-sits' the broken hearted Ranger. Many hours later, Marcus awakes with a shout.
"Susan!" Lennier hurries to his side. "Lennier, so it wasn't a nightmare? I hoped that it was all a bad dream, that Susan hadn't ...," chokes up.
"Left us? Marcus, for now she has, perhaps forever. But many still remain, including ourselves and Entil'Zha, and there is much to live for. I have been studying human dishes for when Delenn and the Captain are married. I have prepared something called 'chicken noodle soup' for you. It is supposed to cure many illnesses and will help you in your recovery."
Marcus can't help himself, he smiles at the thought of Lennier in a chef's hat and apron "You're going to cook for them, Lennier?"
"Yes. I cook for Delenn now, and it has come to my knowledge that Captain Sheridan cannot cook without some danger of an explosion, so I will continue to serve in that capacity, if they wish. Now eat your soup, Marcus, and then you will sleep again."
"Yes, Mum, if I'm a good boy, do I get to have ice cream for dessert?" The humor is lost on Lennier. Sigh. If he is going to have to live, he would have to help Lennier with understanding human humor. He takes his first bite of the chicken noodle soup. "Lennier! This is very good. If you cook other foods as well as this, you could open your own restaurant."
"I am glad that you like it, Marcus." The door chimes. "Please continue eating, I will see who it is." Marcus complies with some alacrity, it was really very tasty. Lennier steps back from the door to reveal Delenn. Marcus makes as if to rise and she puts out a restraining hand.
"No, Marcus, don't get up, I just wanted to see for myself that you are all right."
"I am honored by your visit, Entil'Zha, what may I do for you?"
"I came by to extend my condolences to you, Marcus, not to ask for any service. Commander Ivanova will be missed very much by all of us, but I know that you had feelings for her."
"I love her. I always will. I don't want to live without her but Stephen and Lennier are making such an effort to heal me, I think I'd better or they will kill me."
Delenn looks puzzled at this, but Lennier says with a perfectly straight face "Slowly, Marcus, you left out that we will kill you slowly." Marcus is thunderstruck, his face mirroring his dawning comprehension that maybe he wouldn't have to teach Lennier about human humor after all.
"Right, slowly, forgot that part. You have an excellent chef by the way, Delenn, his chicken noodle soup is to live for."
"I have not had that yet, Marcus, but I have always enjoyed the dishes Lennier prepares for me. Perhaps after you have recovered, you could join us for supper sometime?"
"It would be my honor, Entil'Zha" even in bed, holding his bowl, Marcus manages a small bow, not quite concealing his wince at the pain this causes his wounds.
"I think I will go now and let you rest, Marcus. Thank you for everything you have done, please get better soon."
"I will, Delenn, at least in body. Thank you for your concern."
Delenn and Lennier speak softly at the door before she leaves, Lennier sees that Marcus has finished his soup and hands him a glass of water and the pills Franklin has prescribed. Marcus obediently swallows his medicine, settles back on the pillow, sighs, "Lennier?"
"Yes, Marcus."
"Thanks, you're a great friend."
"You are welcome, Marcus. Rest now."
"As if I had a choice in the matter. These pills are quite ..." and he is asleep.
Lennier says quietly to himself "Good" then turns to the compact kitchen and the colossal mess he created while fixing Marcus' chicken noodle soup and sighs. "I hope all human dishes are not this difficult to cook." Later, there is another chime. Stealing a look at the bed to make sure that Marcus is still sleeping, Lennier opens it to find a member of the religious caste holding a bundle of clothing.
"Delenn sends these with her compliments to Ranger Marcus. Is he awake?"
"No, sleeping, hopefully for many more hours. Thank you for delivering these clothes and please extend my thanks to Delenn." The other Minbari bows, leaves.
When Marcus wakes up again, Lennier gives him more soup, then says "Delenn has sent you some clothes to replace those lost in her service."
Marcus gets up, a little shaky after all the hours of drug-induced sleep, and looks at the clothes "She has given me two sets, guess she's anticipating me tearing up my clothes again."
"Or perhaps she only wishes you to not wash your clothes in the nude anymore" Lennier says without missing a beat.
"Perhaps." Did Delenn tell Lennier everything? Apparently so.
"I will wait outside while you change, then we are going to see Dr. Franklin."
"You would make a great slave driver, Lennier, ever think of changing your career?"
"No. Get dressed."
"Yes sir." Lennier leaves the quarters, Marcus pulls off his borrowed clothing, flinching slightly, looks in the mirror. Not too bad, his ribs are sore, but his beating from Neroon left in him in worse shape. The enforced rest had done a great job of beginning his body's healing process. The door chime rang. "Just a minute, keep your robes on." He pulls on one of the sets of pants, they feel just like his old ones. He has a little trouble with his tunic because of his sore ribs, but manages it just as Lennier came in. "Funny, I didn't hear the door chime that time."
"There was nothing to hear. I was concerned because you were taking so long." Lennier helps Marcus into his cape, Marcus automatically attaches his pike to his belt.
"Just moving a little slow, don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself."
"That is good to hear, Marcus, that is an improvement over yesterday." This begins an argument over the difference in giving one's life for another and committing suicide that continues until they reach Medlab. Stephen is encouraged at the loud discussion he hears getting closer to his office.
"If a death has a purpose..." Marcus says and is interrupted.
"It is still the end of one's life and leaves many people behind whose hearts ache because of the loss of that person. Though I understand your point of view, Marcus," Lennier says calmly "I agree with many of your ideas. I was simply playing, how do you put it, the devil's advocate."
"You mean you were just arguing with me for the fun of it?"
"Yes. Dr. Franklin, here is your patient, he has rested as you ordered and has been fed chicken noodle soup. When you are finished with him, I will take him back to his quarters."
"Lennier, I don't need..."
"A baby-sitter? We will see what Dr. Franklin says."
After Lennier leaves the room, Franklin asks "Chicken noodle soup?"
"Healing properties, Stephen, didn't you know that?"
"Yes, well, I didn't know that the Minbari knew," has Marcus undress, examines his wounds "These are looking better, no sign of infection, how do you feel?"
"Like I've lost the love of my life, how do you expect me to feel?"
"Marcus."
"A little stiff, my ribs are sore, but I'm getting better, thank you. Can you release me from Lennier's care? He's about to drive me bonkers with his mothering."
"Really? I didn't notice any difference in you," fends off a playful punch from Marcus. "Seriously, are you sure you'll be okay by yourself?"
"Stephen, I have lost people I've loved before, you know. While I won't love again, I promise not to kill myself and will get some rest, too."
"I have your word on that - the no suicide and get some sleep parts?"
"Yes, you have my word. Now will you tell Mother Lennier out there that Marcus is a big boy who can take care of himself?"
Stephen calls Lennier in and is about to speak when the alert signal comes over Babcom. There is a chill silence until Sheridan comes on with a grin so wide it threatens to split his face. "Attention, all residents of Babylon 5 and honored guests, we have won! President Clark has been removed from power by Earth Alliance." At these words, a cheer rose up throughout the station, a shout of joy and relief from all who hear. "There are a great many details to be worked out, including a general election, but the war is over and our home is free again. More details will be released as they become available. Thank you, thank you all." Sheridan's voice threatens to crack as he ends the transmission. Once off-screen, he kisses Delenn passionately. "You know I'm going to have to go back to Earth for awhile to straighten some things out, but I will return as soon as I can."
"I will wait for you, John Sheridan" Delenn says "But do not stay too long. We still have 40 rituals to go through before our wedding."
"40? I thought we were down to 39?"
"No, k'shlaren is one ritual, it just happens twice" she says with a slight smile.
"Well, you keep track of which ones we haven't done yet. I don't want to wait any longer than we have to before I can make you Mrs. Sheridan." They kiss again.
Meanwhile, back in Medlab, there is a sense of euphoria, from the happy news that is almost too good to believe.
"We won?" Marcus says incredulously "The war is over?"
"We won!" Stephen is ecstatic. "No more shiploads of battle wounded, just ordinary, everyday routine." He looks around and spots Dr. Hobbs, kisses her to her surprise "We won!"
An impromptu party begins. Music and laughter are heard, and many tears of joy are flowing. Lennier is happy, too, but he has a charge to take care of. He finds Franklin, who is still kissing Dr. Hobbs, and taps him on the shoulder and says loudly "Dr." A chorus of "Yes's?" answers him. He tries again "Stephen?"
"Hmmm, what is it Lennier? I'm a little busy here."
"That is obvious, but what about Marcus?"
"Marcus, oh he'll be fine, just needs to rest for a few more days."
"Thank you Dr." goes to Marcus and takes him by the arm. As they leave, Marcus tries vainly to get Stephen's attention "Stephen, Stephen, did you forget our little talk?" His voice is lost in the general noise of music and laughter as he is marched away.
Sheridan has many weeks of meetings, committee appearances, and question-answering sessions upon his return to Earth. He is ready to go "home" to Babylon 5. He is exhausted from all of these, gets to his hotel and finds a message from an old friend, Admiral Camozzi, asking Sheridan to meet him for dinner. At the restaurant, handshakes and pleasantries are exchanged, but once they begin to eat, Camozzi gets down to brass tacks.
"John, I know you've been through a lot lately and as your friend I would like to give you more time, but as your superior officer, I must find a replacement for your second-in-command."
Sheridan interrupts "Tom, it's only been a few months, I haven't had time to think about it."
"I know, but I have been thinking and have found the best officer for the job, Commander Linda McCall."
"Linda McCall, as in Senator Scott McCall's daughter?" Sheridan's face reflects his doubt at Camozzi's choice.
"The late Senator McCall's daughter, yes."
"I thought she rose through the ranks because of..."
"Of her father's influence? Not really, her father hurt her career more than helped. She's a good officer, John. When Clark became President and McCall opposed him on the Ministry of Peace, Clark had her assigned to M'scain 7."
"M'scain 7? That's in the middle of nowhere, I didn't even know we had anyone there."
"We didn't until then. Clark decided we needed an Earth Alliance presence there and assigned McCall, Captain Perry, and a few other officers who had family or friends in the Senate there. Out of the way, unable to interfere with any of his plans. Well, when Clark declared martial law and ordered his people to start killing Senators who opposed him, McCall was one of the first to die."
"I'm sorry to hear that, Tom, but why does this make Linda McCall a good choice for my second in command?"
Camozzi leans forward, tapping on the table to emphasize his words, "Because she missed the entire war, John. Her hands are clean, can any of us say the same thing? She has no loyalty to the former power structure headed by Clark, yet didn't attack any Alliance ships in order to free Earth. Neither side can point to her and say she was the enemy."
"All right, I'll buy those reasons, but are you sure she's a good officer? I don't want an incompetent second whose appointment was given because it was the best political decision."
"She is very good, John. Her style is a little different than your former Commander's, but she gets the job done. I brought a data crystal with all the background information you could ask for" hands it to Sheridan.
"I hope you're right, Tom, it's going to be tough on her, replacing Ivanova."
"I'm confident she can do it, John, or I wouldn't be assigning her to you. She is visiting her mother now, she came back as soon as she could get permission. She has a week's leave left, then she will leave for Babylon 5."
"Good. I head back in the morning."
"Still getting married to Delenn?"
"Yes," a grin spreads over John's tired face. "Not as soon as I'd like, but maybe before the year's up."
"Congratulations are in order then, John. I hope you two are happy together for many years. And you'll find out I'm right about McCall."
A shadow crosses Sheridan's face at the words "many years" and he looks down at his plate. There is a faraway look in his eyes for a moment, then he mentally shakes himself "I hope you are right, Tom, I could use the help. I never realized how much Ivanova did until she was gone." The rest of the meal is filled with other topics, remembering those who gave their all and those who were still around.
Meanwhile back home: Life continues. The war wounded have been healed or moved to other facilities. Marcus is finally freed of Lennier's care, vows never to eat chicken noodle soup again. "Stephen, I have slept for days and everytime I would wake up I was given chicken noodle soup! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, all I had was chicken noodle soup! I never want to see another bowl of that stuff as long as I live."
Ivanova's quarters are empty and quiet. Sheridan has taken her personal effects with him to Earth to give to her nearest relative.
Corwin finds himself missing Ivanova, wishing she was there to handle the seemingly endless line of problems. As he goes to bed every night, tired to the bone, he fervently wishes for a new commander to be sent to Babylon 5 so that he won't have to be in charge of C&C anymore. "No, no, you can't dock there, that's been assigned to the S'vran vessel" he murmurs in his sleep, directing the ship traffic even in his sleep.
Marcus spends much time beside Susan's cryo chamber. On his first visit, he brings one of the artificial roses she gave him and weaves it into the green and purple ribbons that the Drazi have tied to the handle of her chamber. He begins and ends his day there, sometimes talking to her, sometimes just sitting there.
When Sheridan gets back to Babylon 5, he is greeted warmly by Delenn. "Miss me?" he says, wrapping his arms around her. Delenn's response is a long kiss. "I take that as a yes. It is good to be back home."
"It is good to have you home again, John. I have missed you" Delenn says. As they walk arm in arm through the gardens, she tells him everything that has happened in his absence. In the course of the conversation, she says "Marcus is starting to recover, I think. He spends much of his free time by Susan's chamber and when he speaks of future events, there is a great sadness in his eyes, but he is better. He has been very busy helping me with the Rangers. I have been planning our wedding and arranging for the rituals we have to do before we wed."
After awhile, he goes up to C&C and tells Corwin the good news. Corwin looks like he is going to cry, has trouble deciding what to say, finally gets out "Thank you, thank you very much Captain. When does the new Commander arrive?"
Sheridan says with a grin "She reports for duty next Monday morning. Think you can last that long?"
"Yes sir." After Sheridan goes into his office, Corwin sets up a countdown program on his computer to keep track of the days, hours, and minutes until Commander McCall arrives. He is able to sleep well that night for the first time since Ivanova left.
Saturday, John calls Marcus into his office "Marcus, I'd like you to be with me to meet Commander McCall tomorrow and to show her around the station for me."
Marcus' face shows his puzzlement over this request. "Why me? Why not Corwin or Garibaldi or someone like that?"
Sheridan comes around his desk, leans on the edge "Because I need someone outside the command structure and you know this station better than anyone. She's gonna have a lot of questions and it would be best for the Commander to not have ask her junior officers. Plus I know you can take care of anything that might happen in Downbelow."
Marcus looks distressed, about to say something in protest.
Sheridan puts his hand on Marcus' shoulder: "Look, Marcus, I know this is tough for you. I know what it's like to lose someone you love and then have to live without them. But I need you to do this for me, please."
Marcus is encouraged by the Captain's words, seems to look within for a few moments, says "All right Captain."
"Good man. She's supposed to come in on the Lorendell tomorrow morning at docking bay 3. Meet me there at 0930."
"Yes sir." After Marcus leaves his office, Sheridan looks pensive a few
minutes, he really did understand what the young man was going through.
He had been there himself with Anna. He hoped Marcus would find someone
as wonderful as Delenn to help him realize that there was a reason to
enjoy living again. As he thought of Delenn, he smiled and opened a
Babcom channel to her quarters. It was time for ritual number 18
tonight.
The next morning finds Sheridan and Marcus waiting for the Lorendell's
passengers to disembark. Marcus is thinking to himself
Linda is getting a good-bye kiss from child she has met onboard, stands
up. She is in civvies, a forest green jumpsuit with a pattern of silver
and gold leaves around the waist, sleeves, and neck. Her hair is a
little longer than shoulder length, the color of old gold. And her eyes,
her eyes as Marcus would later tell someone: were the color of that rare
sunset where the green and blue is so intense that you almost cry from
the beauty of it. Her eyes were two lighthouses of such exquisite
beauty that you would willingly wreck your vessel just to get closer to
them. They saw through to my very soul, to the heart of me that I
thought was dead and gone.
Linda is staring into Marcus' eyes, lost in their blue-gray depths,
doesn't even notice Sheridan until he clears his throat.
"Captain Sheridan. Commander Linda McCall reporting as ordered.
Permission to come aboard?" comes to attention.
"Permission granted Commander, welcome aboard."
"Thank you sir. It's good to be here, though I wish it could under
different circumstances."
"That's quite understandable, Commander, this is Marcus Cole."
"A Ranger? I recognize the pin, several who passed through our outpost
wore them and I've been reading on the way here, trying to catch up on
everything that's happened since I've been stationed on M'scain 7." She
extends her hand to him, he bows over it and kisses it, looks up into
her eyes and says "At your service Commander."
"Likewise Mr. Cole. All of this galaxy's inhabitants owe a great debt to
the Rangers. Thank you."
Linda feels warm all over, losing herself in the sea gray depths of his
eyes, seeing the great sadness therein, wanting to take away whatever
pain is causing it.
Sheridan begins again "Marcus here will show you to your quarters, then
give you a tour of the station. I'll have someone deliver your gear
there when the ship is unloaded. I'd be honored if you would join myself
and some of the command staff for supper."
"I'd be delighted to join you all for supper, Captain. I just want to
take the food and some clothes myself to my quarters. Shall we go?" to
Marcus.
"Food?" He asks, his curiosity piqued.
"Yes, I've been staying with my grandparents and they insisted I bring
some foodstuffs with me. They seemed to think I wouldn't get real food
here."
"They are very wise people. Here, let me help carry," picks up most of
what she has with her.
"Thanks. Have you been on Babylon 5 long?"
"Nearly 3 years." They visit, just small talk really, as they go to her
quarters and drop off the food. Marcus hesitates almost imperceptibly at
the entrance.
"What's the matter?"
"I haven't been in here since Susan left."
"Oh. I'm sorry. You can wait outside if you want."
"No. It's just hard this first time." They put the food on the kitchen's
bar. "Do you have a cloak or something for Downbelow? We don't want to
attract too much attention."
Linda pulls out a dark gray wool hooded cloak. "This do?" as she pulls
up the hood, hiding her golden hair.
"Almost" he says and pulls the scarf part over so that her lower face is
hidden. "There. Now if no one looks in your eyes, we should be okay.
We'll start with Downbelow and work our way up."
Linda is moved to pity by the conditions in the lower levels of the
station "What are we doing to help these people?" Marcus tells her of
Stephen's free clinic, some other things that have been done. "We need
to do more. There's no excuse for people to have to live like this on
our station."
His face reflecting his pleasant surprise, Marcus says "I agree. Perhaps
I could look around, see what would be most helpful?"
"And let me know, yes, that would be a start." They continue their
'tour' and are accosted by a would-be thief with a knife.
"Duck" Marcus yells at the same time smoothly engaging his fighting
pike. She falls to floor and Marcus knocks the would-be thief out. Linda
calls for a medteam, they arrive and take the unconscious Lurker with
them. Later, when Franklin examines him, he tells Marcus "You didn't
hold back any, did you? I don't think his jaw will ever be the same."
After the thief is removed, Linda says "Thank you. A Minbari fighting
pike?" reaches for it. Marcus hands it over with some hesitation. "It's
beautiful" she says, feeling the weight of it for a moment, then
flipping it quickly a few times "I don't think I've ever seen one this
old."
Marcus is watching her with pike, takes a moment to reply "Yes, it's
several hundred years old. Entil'Zha Sinclair gave it to me."
"I'm sure he's glad that you put it to good use."
"He was, he's not with us anymore."
"I'm sorry."
Marcus changes the subject "How do you know about Minbari fighting
pikes?"
She smiles "My Captain at M'scain 7 was from England and loved
quarterstaffs and pikes of all kinds. We had far too much time on our
hands and used to staff fight for exercise and to relieve the boredom."
Marcus felt an unexpected pang shoot through him. Jealousy, no can't be,
he has no right to feel jealous, he will never feel anything ever again.
But curiosity (nothing else, mind you) drives him to ask casually "You
were quite close then?"
"Yes", she says a slightly mischievous light in her eyes as she delayed
the rest of her explanation. "He had known my father since they had been
teens, was like an uncle to me. Anyway, as soon as Clark was deposed, I
headed back to Earth to see my mother and had to leave my quarterstaff
behind. I miss Perry and our fights." They finish the tour, then Marcus
returns Linda to her quarters.
"Thank you."
"My pleasure. I'm glad to meet someone really interested in what's
happening in Downbelow."
"Yes. Well, I'll see you at dinner then."
"Yes, no, I ... yes, I will be there." Marcus goes to his quarters,
tries meditating, tries pike exercises, can't shake the feeling of
excessive energy, the need to do something, leaves his quarters.
The Captain and Delenn pick Linda up for dinner, she is wearing a
long-sleeved black dress with a pattern that looks like stars twinkling
throughout it. Her hair is down around her shoulders. She has already
started to decorate her quarters: in the living area, above the couch
now against the wall, is a beautiful painting of an English thatched
cottage.
Sheridan says "A Kinkade?"
"Yes."
"How did you?"
"Transport it? It's a painting in a crystal" she leans behind couch and
pulls a crystal out of a hidden socket. The "painting" disappears. "It
was designed for those of us who have to travel light, but still want to
enjoy fine art. There are 150 different Kinkade 'paintings' stored, you
can choose one or have a random display."
"Do they have anyone else's works?" Sheridan asks.
"Yes, Monet, Rembrandt, most of the other Renaissance and Impressionist
painters. They even have scaled down Michelangelo's sculptures. I have
one of the Monet crystals, thought I might use it in the kitchen."
"That is nifty, I wouldn't mind having one of those myself." Sheridan
says. "Shall we go to dinner?"
"Certainly. I'm looking forward to meeting more of the people I'll be
working with."
"Other than that incident in Downbelow, did you enjoy your tour of the
station?" Delenn asks as they walk towards the restaurant.
"Yes, very much so. Marcus is an excellent guide and was quite
informative."
"That's our Marcus" Sheridan says "Sometimes it's hard to stop him once
he gets talking." They arrive at the restaurant and are seated a few
tables away from Zach and Lyta. Introductions are made to Garibaldi,
Franklin, and Lennier. Linda is congenial, but she takes a discreet look
around for Marcus, who is nowhere to be seen. They begin visiting, order
appetizers.
As Marcus enters the restaurant, Londo puts a hand on his arm.
"Hello Mr. Cole. Is that the new Commander?"
"Yes, she came aboard today."
"She is quite lovely."
"Yes, leave her alone."
"Of course, of course." Marcus moves on, Londo says to himself "That
young man must have a thing for women in command."
He is voluntarily out of his Ranger uniform for the first time that
anyone can remember. He is wearing a long-sleeved open-necked shirt of
steel gray with matching slacks and his hair is tied back. He wears his
Ranger pin, but that is the only part of his outfit that isn't new. The
dinner is delicious, Linda fitting in perfectly with the group,
discreetly looking at Marcus as much as possible. As dinner is
finished, everyone but Linda is surprised when the waiter brings out a
chocolate cake.
"I must be dreaming" Garibaldi says, in shock. "A real, genuine
chocolate cake."
"You better share that dream, boy, or I'll be seeing you professionally
soon" Franklin says, his eyes on the rare treat as well.
"You brought this from Earth?" Sheridan asks. Linda nods, smiling. He
grins widely "At the risk of repeating myself, welcome aboard Commander.
May I?" indicating the cake.
"Please do" she said "I hope everyone likes it. Grandmother and I made
it last week and put it in a stasis container right after we iced it."
Sheridan serves the cake, accompanied by the ooh's of those about to
partake. The cake is reduced to crumbs shortly thereafter, raising
everyone's already good first impression of Linda to even greater
heights.
Zach, with a boldness born of the desire to impress Lyta, manages to get
a piece of the cake and they split it.
"Mmmm this is delicious" Lyta says, chasing the last crumb on the plate
around with her fork.
"Yeh, I think I'm gonna like this new commander" Zach says.
"You aren't the only one - look." Linda is just finishing a story and it
results in much laughter, including Marcus'. "That's the first time
I've heard Marcus laugh since Ivanova's been gone."
"I'm glad. Maybe he and this new commander..."
"Maybe" Lyta tilts her head as if listening "I think she'd like it."
Later, after dinner, Linda's door chime is rung, nothing there but a
quarterstaff of oak with a note tied to it with ribbon: 1900, workout
room 7. She is going over personnel files, memorizing names for her
first day with the C&C staff tomorrow. She smiles at the gift and note,
"Well, I have one thing to look forward to tomorrow."
The next morning, after intensive cramming, she is as ready to meet her
staff as she will ever be. Taking a last look in the mirror to make sure
her uniform is straight, she goes up to C&C.
When she walks in C&C, Corwin (who has been anxiously waiting for her)
says "Commander on deck" and everyone comes to attention.
"At ease" she says smiling. "Lt. Corwin."
He is still somewhat stiff, though not at full attention "Yes sir."
"How is Ensign Cammack doing?"
"Uh, fine, sir, she and her baby boy are doing great" he is surprised
at her first question for him.
"Good. Has the faulty air regulator in Gray 15 been replaced?"
"The crews are almost finished, sir."
"Also good. What is not good is you calling me sir."
"Commander?"
"There are many things about Earth Force I like, but this unisex
attitude towards officers is not one. God made me a woman and I will
always be one, whatever place or job I find myself in. In C&C, please
call me Commander, Commander McCall, or ma'am. Clear?"
"As a bell ma'am."
"We're going to get along great Mr. Corwin. Now don't we have a C'illyan
ship supposed to be coming through the gate in a few minutes?"
"Yes ma'am. They're the first on the docket today."
"Good. Let's park some ships why don't we?" she smiles at Corwin who is
in junior officer bliss, thankful for a nice commanding officer who
knows what she is doing.
Sheridan who wants to see how she is doing, but doesn't want to
undermine McCall's authority on her first day, goes to Security's video
surveillance room.
"Hello Cap" Garibaldi says.
"Hi Michael. I wanted to check on the new Commander."
"Discreetly."
"Yes, can we turn up the volume on the C&C feed?"
"Will do." They watch for awhile. McCall and Corwin are working closely
together, seamlessly coordinating their efforts. She interacts with the
others in C&C as needed. "Mead" "Yes ma'am?" "Toss me that diagnostic
tool will you? I think this has a short in it somewhere." She catches
the tool easily "Thanks."
"She's good" Garibaldi says.
"Yes, she is. I'm glad that Camozzi was right. Thanks, Michael."
"Anytime."
At the appointed hour, Linda goes with her new quarterstaff to Workout
room 7, goes in. Marcus is practicing in his tunic and pants. She stands
there silent, watching. Grace personified, his moves so fluid you would
think they were completely effortless if you didn't see the muscles
rippling underneath his clothing. His back is to her, but he knows she
is there, finishes the set he was doing, turns.
"Hello. How'd your day go?"
"Great, thank you. The C&C staff is very good at their jobs and I think
they liked me."
"You're a very likable person. Would you like to practice with me?"
"Yes, thank you," brings staff up to fighting position. They stand there
a few seconds, neither wanting to make the first strike, even in
practice. "You know, this isn't so hard" she jokes.
"No, bit like fishing" he jokes back "Just stand there and hold your
pole still" with this she makes the first blow and he blocks it "Got a
strike there." With this, the mock fight begins in earnest, blows
falling like rain. After awhile, they take a break, sit on a bench at
the side of the room and drink water.
"Whew, didn't know how out of condition I was until now. I thought Perry
was good, but he was an amateur compared to you."
"Practice makes perfect they say."
"Then you must practice an awful lot."
Marcus gives a shy smile "You're pretty good yourself for a beginner.
How would you like to be my first Earth Force student?"
"I'd be honored. Do you have a regular schedule for your workouts?"
"No, usually I just practice in my quarters, but it might be a little
crowded for the two of us to fight in. Why don't we say here at 1900
every other day and if something comes up, let the other know?"
"Sounds like a plan. Now, if I can stand, I'd better get back to my
quarters and make sure I'm ready for another day in C&C tomorrow."
"I'll walk with you and make sure you get there."
The next session, he begins with her 'at the beginning', with basic
exercises "You need to get so used to your weapon that it feels like an
extension of your body." He demonstrates and they go through the
movements together, thrust, parry, swing, etc... again and again. As
they leave the workout room, Delenn is passing by. Marcus bows
"Entil'Zha."
"Marcus, Linda, it is good to see you. You have been practicing?"
"Yes, Marcus has volunteered to teach me pike fighting. He's very good."
"Yes, he is. He was trained by Durhan himself on Minbar."
"Durhan, as in the greatest Minbari pike fighter alive? I didn't know he
took any human students."
"Only a select few, the very best of the Ranger trainees. Marcus was one
of his first human students, was instrumental in convincing him that
humans could be proficient at pike fighting." Marcus, the subject of
this conversation, is nearly blushing by this time.
"He was a great teacher. I hope that I never disappoint him."
"He is very proud of you Marcus, he was quite impressed when Neroon told
him about your fight to prevent interference with my induction
ceremony."
"You fought Neroon and lived?"
"Barely."
"We'll have to have a long talk, Delenn, it seems Mr. Cole has done a
great many heroic things that he won't talk about."
"Yes, perhaps you could join me for lunch tomorrow?"
"Lunch then."
The next week, as they are fighting, the necklace that Linda wears under
her shirt flies out as she is making a particularly hard strike. The
clasp comes undone and the charm starts to fall. Marcus parries her
thrust then catches the charm before it hits the floor, it is a
unicorn. They take a break and sit down, Marcus is looking at the silver
charm in his hand, an odd expression on his face.
"What's this for?"
"Whenever Dad would get angry at me, he'd threaten to use me for unicorn
bait. I'd tease him and say that his threat didn't scare me because
there were no such creatures. On my 18th birthday, he got me this charm
and necklace and said that this would be my unicorn since the real ones
were all gone." Marcus' eyes are bright with unshed tears "What's
wrong?"
"Nothing, it just reminded me of conversation with someone I knew who
teased me about finding a unicorn in hyperspace."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."
"That wasn't a bad one, but when I think what might have been, what I
wanted to do..."
"It makes you feel like your heart will burst with the pain."
"Yes."
"I know what you are suffering Marcus. When I heard that my father had
been killed by Clark's men, I wanted to die, just to make the pain
stop... it still hurts so bad." He holds his arms open to her she puts
head on shoulder and weeps, he cries into her hair, sits there rocking
her back and forth.
"He would be very proud of you, you know, and want you to go on
living."
"I could say the same of you, Marcus." As she cries on his shoulder,
Linda can't help feeling the strength in the arms that hold her, the
gentleness of the hand stroking her hair, and the musky smell and warmth
of his body. Marcus in turn realizes how well she fits in his arms, the
silkiness of the gold in his fingers, and her perfume, rose with a hint
of musk.
The next day, she has him come by her quarters. When he walks in the
door, he is surprised by the smell of tea and ...
"Scones! Where did you find scones?"
"I baked them. I brought foodstuffs with me, remember?"
"Foodstuffs, yes, but scones?"
"Perry taught me how to make them, we used to have high tea every
afternoon."
"I will have to thank him." Marcus sits down at the table "Is that
strawberry jam?"
"Yes, please help yourself." He does as she pours the tea.
"Ah, I haven't had tea like this since Mum used to fix it for me. Thank
you." They continue to visit. "How are you settling in?"
"Pretty well. I haven't quite gotten used to the bed, though. I may have
to try another mattress."
"Well, it's no four poster."
"Or waterbed."
"A waterbed? Who would want to sleep in water?"
Linda explains what one is, her Dad's mom had one. "Here, hold this" has
Marcus hold a napkin between his hands to help demonstrate. "My brother
and I used to lay on the bed and try to push the other out with waves."
She illustrates, her hand slipping off the side of the napkin and
brushing his, fire runs up his nerve endings. "And sometimes, if we
really got it sloshing, we would both fall out" and her hands move off
the napkin, suddenly he is holding her hands. They are both nervous, he
is unconsciously caressing her palms with his thumbs. She finds her
voice again after a few moments. "Anyway, that's what a waterbed is,
though I like 4 posters, too. I have a feather bed at my grandparent's
that you need a stepstool in order to climb up into it."
"A feather bed" he says slowly.
"Yes, with a down comforter and pillows. You feel like you're sleeping
on a cloud."
"That would be nice" he says and suddenly realizes what he has been
doing and lets go of her hands, takes the napkin and blots his mouth.
"These scones are delicious, thank you." They finish off the tea and
scones, talking about many things. Later on, though, he couldn't have
told you any of the other subjects, his mind was in such a whirl.
Later that week, as they thrust and parry, they talk as well and the
subject of John and Delenn comes up.
"I don't think I could take all the rituals they are having to go
through." Strike.
Parry. "I know, some of them are quite funny, though. I heard the latest
one they've done involves the telling of the most childish thing they
have done since becoming adults." They take a break and continue the
conversation.
"Really?" Marcus gives a sly grin "And what about you, what's your
secret?"
"Promise not to tell?"
"Promise."
"I sleep with a teddy bear."
"A teddy bear?" He says with a look of amazement on his face. "I don't
remember seeing one in your quarters."
"I keep it in my dresser. What about you?" she says with an impish grin.
"Oh, me?" he says, his mind still on the teddy bear "Well, a couple
years back I was in Downbelow and met a family."
"And helped them."
"And helped them, yes. The little girl was about 7 and insisted I play
hopscotch with her all afternoon." Linda starts laughing "So there I
was" he stands up and mimes the game "playing hopscotch for 3 hours" he
starts laughing as well, sits down beside her, she is crying from
laughing so hard. "It wasn't that funny. I actually won a game" pensive
look "though I think she let me win that one out of pity."
Marcus feels the need to something he hasn't done in a long time: show
off. He gets up, motions Linda to remain sitting, goes to the middle of
the room and demonstrates what his years of practice have brought: his
pike a blur at times as he fights an imaginary foe, pike sometimes in
his hand, sometimes tossed in the air and caught again. Linda watches in
frank admiration and can't help applauding at the end.
"Pretty good for a hopscotcher wouldn't you say?" he says, then takes a
long drink of water.
"Marcus, if I thought hopscotch could help me become half as good a
fighter as you, I would play the game 24 hours a day. I've never seen
such an impressive demonstration."
He blushes a little at this. "Thank you. Ready to go again?" They
continue their practice.
The next day, they are having lunch together in the Zocalo and
discussing Downbelow's residents, are finishing up when a look of
consternation crosses Linda's face.
"What's wrong?" Marcus asks.
"I just remembered I am supposed to meet Stephen in 3 minutes and I left
the crystal I need on my dresser."
"Can you start your meeting without it?"
"Yes, but.."
"I'll pick it up for you and bring it to Stephen's office."
"You will? Thanks, Marcus" hands him her access card "See you in a
little while."
Marcus goes to her quarters, gets the data crystal off her dresser and
... can't help himself, he has to see her teddy bear. He opens her
dresser drawer and finds it, a bear with long, fluffy dark fur nestled
on top of silk nightgowns. Very quietly
That night, as Linda gets ready to go to bed, she gets out the teddy
bear. A slight frown crosses her face and she leans down, smells, it
smells like Marcus' cologne. Nah, must just be her imagination, the
Ranger has been on her mind a lot
Later that week, the 'guys' are getting together for a poker game:
Sheridan, Garibaldi, Franklin, and Marcus. During the course of the
game, various subjects are discussed.
Franklin brings up the juiciest news out of his department: the marriage
of 2 medtechs, who having got wind of the elaborate wedding the mother
of the bride wanted, had eloped yesterday.
John sighs, then says "I kinda envy them, no special ceremonies, no
rituals, just get married."
Garibaldi deals the next hand, says "What's the matter, John? I thought
you were okay with this ritual thing?"
"I am, for Delenn's sake, it means so much to her. But 50 rituals!"
"Aw, John, you're up to what, 39 now? Not much longer."
"I know, it's just... like this latest one, it involves a lot of silly
questions, like if you could be an inanimate object, what would you want
to be?"
"You're kidding?" Franklin asks.
"No. I just said the first thing that came to my head and Delenn has
been looking at me funny ever since then."
"What was it?"
"A pillow." This brings chuckles around the table. "I was tired, that
was what was on my mind. What was I supposed to say?"
Marcus, who hasn't said anything since the subject of envy first came
up, now says this cryptic remark
"I would want to be a certain teddy bear I know of."
"A teddy bear? Nah, I'd like to be something big like a mountain"
Garibaldi says, dealing the next hand.
"Why think that small, Michael, why not be a whole planet?"
"Yeh, that would work: Planet Garibaldi, has a nice ring, huh?" A chorus
of "no's" answers him.
The next morning, having served breakfast, Lennier leaves John and
Delenn to eat in privacy. John is introspective, Delenn asks him what is
wrong.
"It's Marcus, Delenn. I thought he was getting better, you know coping
with the loss of Susan, but now I don't know."
"Why?"
"You remember I told you about that teddy bear I spaced?"
"Yes, that was quite childish of you."
"Well, I don't know how he heard of it, but we were talking last night
and he wished he were that teddy bear."
She looks shocked "Are you sure?"
"Yes. Could you talk to him?"
"About what?"
"I don't know, cheer him up, give him a pep talk, talk about Commander
McCall. I thought that there was something happening between them, but
now I'm not so sure."
"I will find him today and have a talk with him. It may be that he just
does not realize that there is 'something happening' as you say. He is a
good man, I want him to be happy again."
"Thanks, Delenn, I'm sure he will listen to you."
Delenn finds him in the gardens, reading. "May I?" Marcus hands her the
book.
She reads 'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day...'"a love poem?"
"Yes, a sonnet, Shakespeare was one of our greatest writers."
Delenn sits next to him. "Marcus, I have something I need to say to
you."
"What is it Entil'Zha?"
"I want to talk to you as your friend, Marcus, not as the One. I can
tell that Linda is attracted to you and I have seen your eyes when you
look at her. Why haven't you said anything to her?"
Marcus looks uncomfortable, full of suppressed feelings. "Because
everyone I love dies. Hasina! I didn't even take the time to have a meal
with her and she and the rest of the people I was responsible for died
because I wouldn't listen to William. I loved Susan and couldn't even
tell her until she was dying, too late to do anything, too late for ...
I can't let myself fall in love with Linda, I couldn't bear it if
someone else died because of..."
Delenn interrupts "Because of the Shadows, because of Clark! That is who
killed Hasina and Susan, not you Marcus. Never you! I gave the word that
sent the Minbari to war with humans and thousands died because of that
decision. I have to live with that responsibility, yes, but you made no
decision to kill anyone, you were willing to die that Susan might live.
You give your allegiance to Entil'Zha, you are willing to die for the
One, Marcus, are you willing to live? To give yourself the happiness
that you deserve?"
"I don't know, Delenn, I have to think" he says haltingly.
"Then think about it, Marcus. But do not take too long, you deserve to
be happy." She leaves him, his face awash with confusion, frustration,
nearly every emotion but happiness.
Later that day Lyta, who has been talking to Delenn, finds him sitting
by Ivanova's chamber, his book open to the same sonnet.
"Hello, Marcus, fancy seeing you here."
He is a little slow in answering, his mind is elsewhere. "Hello, Lyta,
what brings you down here?"
He is about to get up when Lyta sits down.
"You do, actually." Marcus' face reflects his surprise. "I've been
meaning to talk to you for awhile now, just never found the right time.
Marcus, I don't know how to put this any other way: Susan didn't share
your feelings."
"What!" Marcus didn't expect this topic.
"Susan didn't love you, not the way you wanted to. She found you
attractive, I mean, what woman wouldn't, even Delenn thinks you are."
Marcus is surprised to near speechlessness, but manages to get out
"Delenn! Why would you two be discussing me?"
"You'd be surprised what we girls talk about," lifts her eyebrow. He is
blushing now. "Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that even if Susan
is revived in the future, she probably wouldn't return your feelings,"
she starts to rise.
Marcus is still a state of shock induced by her statements, reaches out
a hand to her arm, grasping it briefly "Thank you Lyta, I appreciate
your concern and your honesty."
"You're welcome Marcus. I like that sonnet, too, though it doesn't seem
to apply to our present company."
"What?"
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more
temperate... Susan was anything but temperate."
"No, it doesn't really go with Susan, does it? She had a bit of a
temper."
"No, but it does fit someone else we know, doesn't it?" He nods. "Bye,
Marcus."
"Bye" watches her leave, says to himself "So Lyta knows Susan didn't
care for me? Interesting."
Later that day, Lennier comes to his quarters, begins to speak
"Marcus.."
Marcus is frustrated, cuts him off, "What is this? Talk to Marcus about
his lovelife day?"
"Not that I'm aware of, Marcus, but I can double-check the event's
calendar for today if you like."
"No, no. It just seems that everyone I've talked to today wants to give
me advice on who to love and what to do."
"Actually, I came to talk to you about Whitestar 7, but since you have
mentioned it, I will tell you what to do, too. I realize that you had
feelings for Commander Ivanova, but she may never return to us.
Commander McCall is here, I can tell that she has feelings for you."
"How?"
"Marcus, are you blind? Her eyes light up whenever you enter the room.
She is friendly with everyone, yes, but she cares for you. And, if you
would stop being so stubborn, I think you would admit that you have
feelings for her."
"I don't know what I feel, I thought I stopped being able to feel after Susan..."
Lennier interrupts again "Left us? Marcus, you have suffered much loss, but you still have a heart. Listen to it."
Marcus just wants to get away, be by himself. He takes a small one-man shuttle and does something he hasn't done in many years: fly for the fun of it. He takes the shuttle through loops and tight turns. Not as much fun in space as along a planet's surface, but it's just as well. As he comes out of a particularly tight loop, he is startled to near heart-attack status by a booming voice next to his ear.
"Marcus! Good to see you again!" the holographic Drall says, "standing" next to Marcus' seat.
"Drall, what the? What do you want?"
"Why, to see how you were getting along, of course. And I thought, since you were off by yourself, it would be a perfect opportunity for us to chat." He goes on and on. Marcus thinks it couldn't possibly get any worse, then Drall invites Marcus to Epsilon 3 to visit with the Zathras brothers. Marcus suddenly remembers he is supposed to be meeting Delenn, has to get back to the station, says thanks anyway.
Once in Delenn's quarters he asks for a favor "Could you please help me to get another Minbari fighting pike?"
"Why? Is something wrong with yours?"
"No, mine is just fine, I would like to give it to someone."
"Linda?"
"Yes, she's done so well with her quarterstaff, I know she would like to have her own pike."
Delenn goes to a chest in her room, brings out a compressed pike,
smaller and lighter than Marcus'. "Here, Marcus, give her this one, it belonged to my Aunt D'lessn."
"Delenn, I can't..."
"Yes you can. I have my Mother's and if John and I have a child, it will go to it, but my aunt died childless and left me hers as well. It would please me for Linda to have it, Marcus."
"As you wish, Entil'Zha, thank you very much" Marcus says bowing deeply.
"When will you give it to her?"
"I thought after our practice session tomorrow."
When they sit down after the workout, Marcus hands Linda a wrapped present. She is surprised "What is it?"
"Open it and find out, only don't shake it" even as she does and the pike expands, exploding out of package and knocking over their water bottles. They laugh as they clean up the mess.
"A pike! My very own pike! Thank you Marcus," hugs him. He hugs back, feels like he will ignite from the contact.
"You've done so well, I thought you would like to have your own pike."
"Yes, this will be a little less conspicuous to carry around than my quarterstaff."
Later that week, Linda goes to Downbelow with Marcus to check on
something. There is a brawl, they act in concert dipping and striking, back to back, soon there are no opponents left. G'Kar comes down with some of the Narn security guards, looks at the massacre and says "You fight well together."
Marcus pushes his hair out of his eyes, says "Thanks, it was nice to have someone watching my back."
It is a few weeks before Christmas, John and Delenn have decided to wed on New Year's Day. They are sitting on his couch, planning a Christmas party for some of their closest friends. Delenn has a concerned look on her face.
"What's wrong?"
"We are going to have this 'Chinese' gift swapping where the recipients are chosen at random, but I would like for Marcus and Linda to have each other."
"Well, I might be able to arrange that, you little matchmaker." He gets up and gets a box out of his bedroom. "Look inside."
"It is filled with black and white marbles."
"Right." He lifts it up out of her sight "Pick one."
She does and says in surprise "This is red! Where did it come from?"
"Remember I told you I like magic tricks? Well, this box has 2 false bottoms and I put red marbles in one of them. Now if we put the names to be drawn in this and put Marcus' name on all the slips in one of the compartments and Linda's in the other..."
"You can arrange it so they have to draw the other's name! I am marrying a clever man."
"Yes you are, in one month and 6 hours." Their plan works without a hitch and Marcus and Linda are completely unaware of the manipulations of their friends.
The night of the Christmas party arrives. Presents have been dropped off all day at the door of John's quarters, he puts them under the tree.
Marcus is wearing his gray outfit, Linda is wearing a red velvet dress, her hair pulled back with a white bow, they sit next to each other on John's couch. Marcus has his arm casually draped across the couch behind her. After the meal, John begins to hand out presents. No one wants to be the first to open, then with a laugh, Garibaldi says "Well, I'm not going to wait until next Christmas to find out what I got" and tears into his. It is a collection of Looney Tunes programs. This breaks the ice and others begin unwrapping presents.
Linda and Marcus are still sitting there with presents before them "Why don't you open yours?" she asks.
"Ladies first" is his reply.
"All right." She slowly and carefully unwraps hers. It is a handcarved wooden unicorn that he has made. "It is gorgeous, thank you Marcus."
"You are welcome." He opens his with the same care she has shown his. It is a dark teal dreamcatcher with golden threads that she has made herself.
"Linda, this is beautiful. Thank you."
Delenn notices the dreamcatcher, asks "Linda, what is this?"
"It is a dreamcatcher. American Indian women used to make them and hang them in their windows. It is supposed to catch all the bad dreams and let only good dreams come in to the occupant."
"A dream catcher. What a good present. Do they usually have gold in them?"
Linda blushes a little "No, I wove some of my hair around the threads when I made it."
Marcus likes his present even more now. The evening is filled with the appreciation of the various gifts and games. Towards the end of the evening, Marcus and Linda are standing by the kitchen bar talking.
"Now you've gone and done it Marcus" Franklin teases.
His face a picture of complete innocence, Marcus says "Done what?"
Stephen points out the mistletoe hanging above Linda's head. "Oh." His heart pounding, he leans over to a surprised Linda's lips and kisses her. Her eyes close and the kiss shows no sign of ending until Stephen clears his throat.
As Marcus tries to slow his racing pulse, he says huskily "Merry
Christmas."
She is flustered as well "Merry Christmas to you, too." The party ends shortly afterward, Marcus walks Linda to her quarters, then goes to the gardens. He is in a daze, doesn't even notice Lyta and Zach passing by.
As they watch his retreating figure, Zach says "That guy has it bad."
"They both do." This brings mutual laughter as they continue their walk.
The day of the wedding finally arrives. John is going to have Garibaldi, Franklin, Marcus, and Lennier stand with him. Delenn has 4 of her Minbari friends as attendants. She has seen tuxedos in an illustration of a human wedding and insists on the men wearing them.
Before the wedding, people are being seated, the men are at the front visiting. Marcus is watching the back of the room and when she arrives, he hurries back. Franklin nudges Garibaldi "Look." Linda is glorious in a teal dress with gold threads worked throughout it. Marcus is drawn to her side like a magnet.
"Hello, Linda. You look even more stunning than usual today."
She blushes, looks up in his eyes "Not as much as you do in that
tuxedo."
"Thank you. May I seat you?" he asks, offering her his arm and totally ignoring Zach and the other ushers who are supposed to be seating everyone. Zach seems about to say something when Lyta touches his arm, has him seat her.
Marcus seats Linda on the aisle, Delenn's side, his subconscious mind seating her where he can watch her during the ceremony.
It is time to begin. The ring bearer, flower girls, and attendants make their way down the aisle accompanied by music. Marcus doesn't see any of them. The music is the Beatles "In My Life" and Marcus is lost in his memories, "There are places I remember, all my life... some are dead and some are living... in my life, I've loved them all... but of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares with you....in my life, I love you more....," seeing his parents, his brother, Hasina, Susan, finally Linda, only Linda. Lennier nudges him to make him pay
attention, they are about to play wedding march. The wedding march begins and Drall "walks" a radiant Delenn down the aisle. John is beaming as well, feeling like he would have gone through a hundred rituals to get to this point. When the two of them stand before the minister, the glow of their happiness is almost visible to the naked eye. Marcus can't help himself, he imagines Linda and himself getting married. The thought causes a tear of happiness to slip out of the corner of his eye. He wipes it off, is surreptitiously patted on the back by Lennier who thinks it is caused by the wedding taking place.
The wedding proceeds, a mixture of Minbari and Earth ceremonies. When they are ready to light the unity candle, the music begins again: "Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you."
Marcus eyes are locked on Linda's, the old Elvis song filling his ears as his heart feels like it will break from its pounding and the pain in his lungs finally reminding him of his need to breathe. There is no one else in the room, no one else in his universe but her. He is nudged again, this time by Franklin, the ceremony is almost over, they will have to walk Delenn's attendants to the back of the room. He does so mechanically, his mind on Linda. There is a ring he's seen at a certain Zocalo vendor's shop and he needs to arrange for a special dinner in his
quarters. What else, flowers, yes, some flowers for her. He smiles inwardly, Mr. Teddy Bear would have to find a new place to sleep soon, theirs would be a short engagement.
Marcus goes to Susan's cryo chamber after the festivities are all over and he has taken Linda home. His eyes are bright with unshed tears as he speaks to her:
"Susan, I realize it's been awhile since I've talked with you. I'm sorry, with Delenn's wedding and all, no, that's not it. Susan, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I realize what Delenn and the others have been trying to tell me is true. I loved you from the moment I saw you, you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. But you didn't return my feelings, I tried to fool myself into thinking maybe you would if I loved you long enough, but I was wrong. I will always remember you
and you will always have a place in my heart, but I've discovered that isn't enough anymore. I love a woman, Susan, who loves me, I see it in her eyes when she looks into mine. I never thought I could love again after I lost you, Susan, but my heart wasn't as dead as I believed and started loving Linda long before my head realized it. I hope that Stephen can help you and I wish you the happiness that I have found.
I'll still come and visit, I'll even bring Linda, she needs to know about the woman I loved before I met her. Sleep in the light, Susan, and wake to a brighter tomorrow."