Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them for a while.
Buffy lay in her bed, clutching onto her leather jacket, and sobbing. Her mother had come in just moments before, and tried to soothe her pain. But no one could. Only Angel.
The Slayer opened up the diary Willow had gotten her for her 17th Birthday, and started to write:
Dear Angel,
I died the night I found out what I had done. I mean me, forcing you to make love to me, and then you losing your soul. You must hate me so much. I know I hate myself for still loving you, even though the real you, the one I still love, is gone.
I finally said it. You’re gone. Forever. No, I can’t let you go that fast. It’s only been a month of pain, crying, and misery. I can deal with another, and maybe that will be enough time to find a cure. You’ll be you again, and we could be...........the same. A vampire and a slayer who love each other, but can’t. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn’t we both be normal?
My heart, my soul, my lips, and my body all ache for you. I wish, just for one moment, I could feel your arms around me again, and your lips against mine. But it can never happen.
I tremble as I write these words out on paper. Oh god how I miss you. My Angel. My beautiful Angel, is gone. Do you still watch over me? Sometimes, when I’m asleep, I feel you holding me again. It’s crazy, I know, but it’s the truth. Please come back to me. I need you so much. I can’t go on with my life, and no one can understand why. It’s because you are my life, and always will be.
Our rings. They make me think there is still some of the old you in there when I see him wear it. Do you see what he sees? I hope you don’t. Then you have seen what he does to me.
You’re not him. I know that now. But I still love the Angel I knew. I’ll never forget your eyes, your hands, your face, your body. I remember what they all said to me on that night. They loved me, and I know you do.
Well, it’s 1:30 A.M. I’d better go. I’ll keep writing, don’t worry.
Every time I look at my necklace, or my ring, I’ll remember you. You said you love me. I know it was true.
Love Always,
Buffy
Buffy dropped her pen, and burst into tears, letting them fall onto the letter.
“I love you Angel.” she whispered, barely audible.
Then, the Slayer cried herself to sleep.
Buffy and Willow lay on Buffy’s bed, Willow busy studying her chemistry book, and Buffy writing in her journal.
“Is that your new entry?” Willow asked softly.
Buffy looked up from her journal, and wiped her tearstained face.
“Yeah. It’s been only been two days, and I just have to tell him more.” Buffy whispered.
Willow smiled sadly, and touched Buffy’s hand.
“It’s gonna be ok Buffy.” she whispered.
Buffy smiled and started to reread her new entry:
Dear Angel,
It’s me again. Yeah I know. Who else would it be? Well it’s about 11 P.M., and I’m starting to freeze up again. I miss our late nights. I know I always say that, but it’s true. Every night we spent together meant the world to me, and I hope to you too.
Willow’s here. She’s been a big help through all this and I’m glad she’s here. It’s hard to see Oz and her happy all the time when I feel so miserable. Cordelia and Xander are semi-happy too. They kiss and stuff (privately), and I hate them all for being happy. Hate my friends? You bet. Every time I have to fake a smile or a laugh, I silently curse them all.
This isn’t the old Buffy talking here. It’s the new model. One that feels remorse, hate, and sorrow. She feels love sometimes on occasion, when she thinks of her lost love, Angel. Yep, that’s me in a nutshell.
Why am I telling you this !!?? I’m supposed to say how much I love you, and how I’m feeling better. But all I can do is sob over you Angel. Why did this have to happen? What did I do wrong?
I love you more and more with each passing day, Angel. I try not to, but I can’t stop. Oh great, now I quoted you. That last night we spent together meant the world and more to me Angel, and then my whole world ended the next morning. Well, I have to go soon, or else I’ll wet the pages with my tears.
Remember that I’ll never stop loving you. You’ll always be my Angel, and no one else's.
Loving you Always,
Your Buffy
By the time Buffy finished reading her letter over, she was in Willow’s arms sobbing.
“Shh...” Willow whispered, rocking the mighty Slayer like a newborn babe.
Buffy opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out.
“It’s going to be ok.” Willow whispered.
Buffy’s eyes were fixated on her digital alarm clock and the time it displayed: 12:42 A.M. The exact time her watch had stopped on “that night.” It had been the exact moment when Angel called out to her, while his soul faded away. But Buffy didn’t know what the time meant, yet.
She pulled away from Willow as the eerie feeling swept over her again, and she turned out her light.
“I have to sleep.” Buffy whispered, trying to remain sane.
Willow curled up on her makeshift bed that she had set up on Buffy’s bedroom floor.
When Buffy finally closed her eyes, Willow spoke, “What are you trying to tell her Angel?” she asked, pausing for a moment, and then closing her eyes.
Angel softly kissed Buffy’s cheek, and climbed in next to her.
“Everything.” he whispered, stroking the Slayer’s cheek.
Then his ghostly apparition disappeared into the darkness.
Giles walked into the library at 8 p.m., and there she was. Her golden locks spread across the binding of a small book, and her beautiful face red with tear stains. The Watcher carefully pulled the book out from under her head, trying not to wake her. When he saw what was written on the journal’s pages, he let out a sigh.
“Angel.” he whispered.
Buffy’s head shot up at the mention of her beloved’s name. She grabbed the journal from him quickly, and held it to her.
“It’s late, I should get home.” she said quickly, grabbing her coat.
Giles watched her sadly.
“I read it Buffy.” he said, causing her to stop at the door.
“I don’t care.” she said.
He walked to her, and forced her to turn around. When he saw her face, he put his hand on her tearstained cheek.
“He’s gone Buffy.” he said coldly.
Buffy pulled away from him, and ran out of the school. When she got to the park, she fell to the grass in tears. She opened the journal, and read her latest entry:
Dear Angel,
It’s been two days, and I just had to write. Something’s willing me to pick up my pen, but I try so hard to fight it. I miss you terribly, and I feel like dying every day. You probably worry about me if you still watch over me, but don’t worry. I remember the good times, and I do cry a lot. I’ve shut everyone out again, even my mom. I really think we could recurse you again, and everything would be all right but, that’s stupid.
I really wish you could be here, holding me again, but I know that’s stupid too. There I go putting myself down again. This is really hard for me to write here, since Giles is walking through the stacks as we speak. Our relationship had changed drastically since you reverted back to your old self. There I go again. He’s not you.
This time I think everything was going good for me there, atleast for awhile. We were happy, weren’t we? Except for the vampire/Slayer thing, everything was just great. I still wish you could kiss me again. I could always get lost in your kisses. I probably told you that before.
Well I’d better go, Giles is coming over here. I love you.
You’ll always be my Angel.
Love Always.
Your Buffy
Buffy dropped the journal into the grass, and that’s when she heard the cruel laugh. She looked up, and there he was.
“Why hello Buffy.” Angelus said.
Buffy got herself up off the ground, and wiped her face.
“Angel.” she remarked coldly.
He moved over to her, and pinned her up against a tall oak tree.
“So, how’ve you been? Really, I wanna know.” he said laughingly.
Buffy was about to answer when something caught his eye. He walked over to the journal, and picked it up.
“For me?” he asked, flipping through the pages.
Buffy ran over to him, and furiously ripped it out of his hands.
“You’re not Angel.” she whispered.
Angelus pulled her to him, and planted a passionate kiss on her lips.
“I am, and always will be your Angel, Buffy.” he said, walking away.
Buffy started to sob again, and ran off towards her house.
Buffy sat on her bed, and her mother walked in to check on her.
“You okay Buffy?” she asked from the doorway.
Buffy looked up at her mother with a sad expression.
“I’m fine.” she said, dropping her head down again.
Joyce Summers stayed in the doorway for several seconds, and then walked away.
Buffy sat up, and turned on her stereo. Something had to drown out tonight’s sob fest. She closed the door and locked it, making sure her mother couldn’t disturb her. When she looked back at the bed, she let out a frightened squeak, and fell to the floor.
“No, it’s not there.” she whispered to herself.
When she got back up off the floor, her journal still sat on her bed, having only been in her bag minutes before. Something drew her to it, like she had to read it, even though she hadn’t written in it for several days. She opened it up to the most recent entry, and found there had been another one written after it. When she saw the first two words, she closed her eyes, trying to make it go away.
“I can’t read it.” she whispered to someone.
She felt someone put their hand on her shoulder, and she opened her eyes again to read:
Dear Buffy,
Sorry it took me so long to write back, I didn’t want to write this. It is extremely hard to forget you, and I know you’ll never forget me. I love you, and miss you more and more each day. Don’t cry Buffy. It only makes things worse. That sounds mean doesn’t it ? Well I meant to say is don’t be sad because I’m happy where I am. I get to be with you still, and I’ll keep watching over you as your guardian angel.
You have to kill him to set me free. There is no way to bring me back, and even if you found one, I wouldn’t want you to use it. I could never come back knowing all the pain I caused you. The things that came out of my mouth, how can you still care for me as much as you do? I was a monster to you, and I deserve to die. Kill him for me Buffy. Set my spirit free.
The night we finally gave ourselves to each other was beautiful, magical, and special. I wish I could’ve been with you to tell you that when you woke up alone. That day must’ve been hell for you.
I’m still here with you now. You got some of my signals like the clock, and when I touched you a moment ago. I hope that this will all make you feel better. You are the Slayer. The strongest woman in the world. Remember that when you kill him. Because that’s how I’ll remember you.
I love you Buffy.
Never forget me, or us.
Yours for eternity,
Angel
When Buffy finished the letter, she was in hysterics. She covered her mouth with her hands, knowing the stereo wouldn’t drown her out. As the journal closed itself, and planted itself back into her bag, the Slayer cried. She felt warm arms around her, and she snuggled up to them. Buffy closed her eyes, and tried to fall asleep.
“I love you Buffy.” a voice said in a whisper.
Buffy sprang up off her pillow instantly.
“Angel?” she asked, looking around.
No one answered her except the song that blared on the radio.
“Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you. That is how I know you go on.
Far across the distance, and spaces between us, you have come to show you, go on.
Near, far, wherever you are. I believe that the heart does go on.
Once more, you open the door, and you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on, and on.
Love can touch us one time, and last for a lifetime, and never let go till we’re gone. Love was when I loved you, one true time, I hold to.
In my life we’ll always go on.
Near, far, wherever you are. I believe that the heart does go on. Once more, you open the door, and you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on, and on.
You’re here, there’s nothing I fear and I know that my heart will go on.
We’ll stay forever this way. You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on, and on."
When the song ended, Buffy had already fallen asleep, and Angel turned the stereo off. He turned off the light, and stroked the Slayer’s tear stained face.
“Together forever.” he whispered.
Then, Angel leaned down and gave her a soft kiss that only grazed her lips.
The ghostly apparition disappeared, and Buffy stirred.
“I love you Angel.” she said, still asleep.
“I love you too.” Angel answered.
As Angel turned to ashes, Buffy fell to the grass. It was over, finally.
Tears fell down the Slayer’s face, and she laid in a fetal position on the grass.
“It’s over Angel. I did it.” she whispered.
“I know.” he answered.
Buffy got up off the grass, and wiped her face, even though the tears were still coming. She walked down the sidewalk, smiling to herself.
Angel watched her go, and looked at the pile of ashes that were once his body. He picked up his ring, and put it on his ethereal finger.
“We’ll be together soon Buffy.” he whispered.
“Very soon.” he added.
Then, he disappeared.