SHE-DOOP, DOOBIE-WA
or
Isn't this where I came in?
by Ryan Dever
SCENE 1
INT. SCHOOL HALL. MORNING.
The hall is filled with kids getting ready for class. A couple of guys
are playing games with the drinking fountain. They're squirting water at
passers by or at least attempting to and failing miserably. Guy#1 finally
figures it out and douses Guy#2. Guy#2 is ticked but at least they've
got it figured out now. Buffy rounds the corner and Guy#2 lines
up on her then Guy#1 points out who she is and Guy#2 thinks better of it.
Guy#2 whispers to Guy#1 about her as she passes. She's used to it and ignores
them as she opens her locker. She's in the middle of shuffling books when
Guy#2 shoots water at a Nerd who ducks at the last second to pick
a penny off the floor. A Football player gets soaked. Guy#2 is quickly
being slammed into the lockers next to Buffy. Something shiny and gold
falls out of the seams at the back of her locker.
GUY#2
I'm sorry!
FOOTBALL PLAYER
Not good enough.
Buffy goes to pick-up the shiny thing but is interrupted when the
Football player slams Guy#2 into the lockers again.
GUY#2
Hey, I said I was sorry I was aiming for that geek.
FOOTBALL PLAYER
Oh, yeah that makes my shirt a whole lot drier.
He pulls back for a punch but Buffy catches his elbow. He's surprised
by her grip.
BUFFY
He said he was sorry. Don't you have an extra jersey in your-
PRINCIPAL
That will be all Ms. Summers. If I didn't think you were just looking
for a fight I'd thank you. (to the boys) You two, my office now! (to Buffy)
I'm still watching you.
The three leave and Buffy goes back to her locker. She fishes around
in the bottom and finds what fell out of the back. It's a gold bracelet
with a Crucifix charm.
BUFFY
Hmh. Well I guess one more can't hurt. I'm gonna look like Mr. T
soon. (she slips it on)
SCENE 2
EXT. THE QUAD. LUNCH TIME.
Willow, Xander and Buffy are lying back watching clouds.
WILLOW
A bunny.
XANDER
Nope definitely a giant praying mantis.
BUFFY
(pointing to a new cloud) A broken crossbow. (looks at the found
bracelet on her extended arm)
WILLOW
An a-symmetric particle collision.
XANDER
An ex-girlfriend who's worse than the plague.
WILLOW
I think you're letting your personal experiences cloud
your perceptions.
XANDER
Thank you Sigmund Rosenberg. Nice pun by the way.
WILLOW
What? Oh. Thanks.
BUFFY
Do you guys know who had my locker before I did?
WILLOW
Me, actually.
BUFFY
Hmmm well you're Jewish so that rules you out.
WILLOW
What?
Cordelia's shadow falls across them.
BUFFY
Hey, you. Get offa my cloud.
CORDELIA
Did you guys hear the student council announcement?
WILLOW
Hey you're right. That one does sort of look like an ex-girlfriend
who's worse than the plague.
CORDELIA
They're having a dance Friday and some lame brain decided it'd
be "cool" if it had a fifties theme.
XANDER
Like the Canadian beer?
WILLOW
I don't think they make that anymore.
BUFFY
This concerns us why?
WILLOW
Well, we're under age so we shouldn't know really know about beer
anyway.
XANDER
I beg to differ. I feel it's our civic duty to know as much as we
can about other cultures and what better place to start than with their
yeasts and grains.
CORDELIA
Hello! I was talking here.
BUFFY
And this concerns us why?
CORDELIA
Because of the dance! With a fifties theme?
WILLOW
She-doop, doobie-wha.
BUFFY
Go greased lightning.
WILLOW
Oh! Poodle skirts!
CORDELIA
That is exactly what I'm talking about. Poodle skirts! I refuse
to be seen in a poodle skirt. Bobbie-sox and two-tones okay but a doggie
dress? No way.
XANDER
Let me get this straight, you dressed as a leopard spot Bob Guccione
play thing for Halloween but you're offended by the idea of wearing an
ankle length skirt with a poodle on it?
CORDELIA
Well yah. Besides who died and left you an opinion?
BUFFY
Mr. Blackwell.
XANDER
Ooo, good one. (he and Buffy high five)
BUFFY
I try.
CORDELIA
Ooh! (nobody cares about her fashion crisis so she leaves)
XANDER
(pointing at a cloud) Oo! Oo! A souped up 68 stang with a blower.
WILLOW
Now you're getting the hang of it.
We get the gangs' POV and watch time lapsed clouds for bit. We cut back
to them on the grass and Buffy is snoozing.
WILLOW
Oo that one looks sort of ellipsoidal.
XANDER
My exact unused thoughts, oh goddess of math.
WILLOW
Oh my god! Geometry started two minutes ago!
Xander sits up and looks at his watch. Willow and Xander split leaving
Buffy sleeping on the grass. Beat. Beat. Xander comes back.
XANDER
Yo, Buf!?
BUFFY
hmg. No just a chocolate croissant thanks. What?
XANDER
Class? (gives her a hand up) Nice bracelet. New?
SCENE 3
INT. SCHOOL HALL. AFTERNOON.
We establish on Buffy, Xander and Willow making their way to class.
Overlapping lunch periods mean there are still kids in the halls. Buffy
still isn't quite awake yet and is more or less in tow to the other two.
We get Buffy's POV as a bunch of bobby-soxers in school sweaters go past.
A boy in fifties non-denim attire nods at her.
BUFFY
Wow, people are really taking this dance thing to heart.
XANDER
What?
BUFFY
The girls in the bobby-sox that just went past.
Xander and Willow look around and see no one matching that description.
They look at each other and shrug and then they're at the class. Buffy
starts to follow them in.
WILLOW
Woah. We (gestures to Xander) have math now that means you have
history.
BUFFY
Right, I knew that.
WILLOW
Late patrol last night?
BUFFY
No. Why do you ask?
Buffy heads off to History class and Willow and Xander enter Math class.
WILLOW
Sometimes I worry about her.
XANDER
Only sometimes?
SCENE 4
INT. SUMMERS HOUSE/KITCHEN. EARLY EVENING.
Buffys' books sit on the counter as she does the peanut butter and
crackers thing. When JOYCE enters with grocery bags.
BUFFY
Oh, I'll help you with those.
JOYCE
There's more in the trunk.
BUFFY
Okay.
Buffy goes out to the car and grabs the remaining six bags. She realizes
that her hands are full and she has no way to close the trunk. A quick
look to be sure nobody is watching and she raises her leg high, hooks the
lid of the trunk with her heal and closes it. Closing the trunk reveals
mom watching her.
BUFFY
Ah...
JOYCE
You've still got those cheer-leading skills, I see.
BUFFY
...yeah! You know what they say, you can take the girl out of the
cheerleaders but you can't take the cheerleader out of the girl.
Both head back inside.
JOYCE
I wish you'd get involved in more school activities, like Willow.
She's part of the science club, isn't she?
BUFFY
The science club?
JOYCE
Okay, so it's not your style but you are friends with her. You're
half way there already. I know I know, I'm nagging but-
BUFFY
Actually there's a dance coming up. Would that count?
JOYCE
Well, sort of.
BUFFY
It's got a fifties theme maybe you've got something I could wear.
JOYCE
How old do you think I am?
BUFFY
Well,... I donno.
JOYCE
Apparently you need to spend more time on your math as well.
SCENE 5
EXT. STREETS & ALLEYWAYS OF SUNNYDALE. NIGHT.
Buffy is making her rounds. We start on her chunky healed boots marking
time on moon shined asphalt as the music plays. She cruises the cemetery
and past the park then on to the industrial section of town. Distant lights
gleam off the sharp teeth of shattered windows and anonymous expanses of
brick scroll past until ...she hears rhythmic finger snapping from an opaquely
shadowed alleyway. We recognize the snapping, it's from the song "Fever".
VAMP#1
(still in shadow)
Never know how much I love ya
Never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me
I get a fever that's so hard to bear
You give me fever
Revealed in harsh side light Vamp#1 looks like a greaser in a
shiny suit with two tone shoes.
BUFFY
Woah, Fonzi! I hope you don't think your gonna get invited to the
dance just because you dress that way. There is such a thing as taking
retro too far, you know.
VAMP#1
You don't like my clothes, Maria? ...I thought the Master killed
you.
BUFFY
(he's touched a nerve) You've got me mistaken for someone else,
pal. I'm the one that does the killing.
Close-up of the stake as it drops from her sleeve into her
hand. We cut back to a front shot of Buffy and see Vamp#2 coming
up behind her.
VAMP#1
So it is true. If you live long enough everything comes back around.
BUFFY
Not your hair. Oh sure, Luke Perry tried it for a while but look at
him now.
VAMP#1
It's sad when a chick don't remember who she was. We should talk
so I can refresh your memory.
BUFFY
Before we talk maybe you should tell your friend -
she makes a sudden motion with her left hand to draw V#2s attention
then drops and dragon kicks with her right leg. His feet come out from
under him and she strikes up with the stake as he falls. Nothing but ash
makes it to the ground. Completing the spin she stands
BUFFY
he's dust. (she twirls the stake like it was a butterfly knife)
VAMP#1
Hey, baby, we can do it that way too. (his hand moves behind his
back to produce a motorcycle chain) Lets rumble.
BUFFY
Bike chain, quaint.
They fight. It's the usual, a few tense moments and then she slams the
stake home.
VAMP#1
Oh, what a lovely way to burn. (dust)
BUFFY
All right, that's enough for me. Today has been just too weird
(looks at her watch) and it ended hours ago. Time for bed.
She turns her back to us and as she walks away we hear.
BUFFY
Oh, what a lovely way to burn? What the H- E- double hockey sticks
was that about? Can't they even die normally anymore? All slaying and no
sleep makes Buffy a cranky girl.
SCENE 6
INT. THE BRONZE. NIGHT.
This is a dream sequence. Buffy, dressed in modern clothes, walks through
the club and stares at the crowd. Everyone is dressed in fifties clothes
and the music sounds like it's coming from under water. Willow and Xander
wave to her from their table and she joins them. They start to talk to
her but there is no sound.
BUFFY
What?
more silent speech.
BUFFY
I can't hear you. There's too much time between us.
As she tries to figure out why she said that she sees Cordelia doing
a very suggestive yet girlish job of cleaning the chocolate syrup off of
a parfait spoon and looking into her dates eyes over the sundae they're
splitting. The date asks her to dance, she says yes and stands. She's not
wearing a poodle skirt instead she wears stirrup pants. The date turns
and we see that it's the vampire Buffy just killed in the alley. Both Cordelia
and her date shuck their shoes (it's a soc-hop) and head to the dance floor.
As they dance Buffy watches the date get close to Cordelia and brush his
lips past her ear. Buffy crosses the dance floor, spins him around and slams
a stake into him. Blood goes everywhere, he hits the floor mouthing "Why?
Why?" and coughs up more blood. He's not a vampire, he's just a boy. Everyone
is shocked and horrified the screams can be heard a little clearer then
the rest of the sounds.
BUFFY
(blood on her hands) Oh god! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I-
Very clearly we hear an alarm clock go off. Buffy turns from her bloody
hands to look and CUT TO
SCENE 7
INT. BUFFY'S ROOM. MORNING.
Buffy's hand comes down on the clock and it stops buzzing. She sits
up and looks at her hands. Takes a deep breath
BUFFY
God, I hate those so much.
She takes another breath and looks at the gorgeous, sunny day out
her window. We see that she is still wearing the found bracelet.
JOYCE (V.O.)
Buffy, time for school!
BUFFY
Imagine that.
SCENE 8
INT. LIBRARY. MORNING.
Giles is sorting books and Willow sits reading a very large
book. Buffy enters.
WILLOW
(cheery) Morning.
BUFFY
Do you live here? I thought I was here a lot.
WILLOW
Oh, no. You just keep extra weapons and a change of clothing here,
I read the books.
GILES
Good morning, Buffy. To what do I owe this pre-homeroom sojourn?
BUFFY
Huh?
WILLOW
Too early for big words.
GILES
Oh, sorry. What brings you here this early?
BUFFY
Oh. Just thought I'd report in. Two vamps on patrol last night.
GILES
Oh. And?
BUFFY
Toast.
GILES
Business as usual then. Glad to here it... um excuse me I have to
ah (points to the stack of books he's holding)
BUFFY
Go. Be bookish. Do Dewy.
Giles goes back to the stacks. Willow gives Buffy a once over.
BUFFY
What?
WILLOW
You didn't sleep well.
Buffy looks just fine to us but hey, they're best friends.
BUFFY
Dreams. Do you ever wake up feeling like you haven't slept? I met,
well slayed, slew? A vamp last night who was half way to being Fonzi. Weirded
me out I guess he kept calling me, Maria.
WILLOW
Staking a symbol of childhood adoration could be unsettling. Jeez,
you don't think he was planning on coming to the dance do you?
GILES
(returning) He kept calling you what?
BUFFY
Maria, and he knew about the master... um (makes a vague motion
at herself) me.
GILES
Oh! Odd there was hardly time for him to tell anyone before you
ah (same vague motion) him. Maria? You don't suppose he might have been
playing a game. You said he was dressed in fifties garb perhaps any girl
might have been Maria at that point.
BUFFY
As in: Maria, Maria. I just met a girl called, Maria? Well he certainly
was a musical fellow.
GILES
(leaving again) Amazing, can't do a figs worth of history or math
but gets a Westside Story reference. (gone)
BUFFY
(shouting after him) Hey, that's great American culture! (to Willow)
What you reading?
WILLOW
The Thousand Nights and One Night. (blankness from Buffy) The Arabian
Nights.
BUFFY
Oh, cool. I didn't know it was a real book.
GILES
(returning) Four real books, actually.
BUFFY
That has three brothers? Yowza, who'd read all that?
WILLOW
Me.
Cordelia will enter during the next speech.
GILES
It's actually a rather reassuring exercise if you can manage it.
All the stories start to look the same after a while. You start to recognize
them as things that have happened to Presidents, despots, Kings, Queens
and ordinary people all throughout time. Win the lottery but are you happy?
Cheat to win the election but loose the respect of those who put you there.
Boy meets girl, Shakespearean tragedy ensues. The reassuring continuity
of human experience. What goes around comes around.
BUFFY
Kinda like reruns on the super-stations.
GILES
Uh well, no but yes.
WILLOW
I just think it's cool when they find Djin in bottles. But yeah,
continuity of human experience, reruns.
BUFFY
Gin? As in tonic?
WILLOW
No, "D"-jin. As in genie.
CORDELIA
I'm going to interrupt this fascinating lesson on nothing to say
something really important. I have saved us all.
BUFFY
From?
CORDELIA
The humiliation of poodle skirts. I caught a rerun of Dick Van
Dike last night and we can wear-
BUFFY
Let me guess stirrup pants.
CORDELIA
Well, yeah. You didn't have to go and spoil it for me though. (looks
closely at Buffy) You know age defying cream would help with those bags
under your eyes.
Buffy actually thinks about hitting her and then the bell rings.
SCENE 9
INT. SCHOOL / MATH CLASS. DAY.
We montage through the day and keep coming back to clocks to let us
know that it's finally 2:30 p.m. and Buffy is now in a really boring class.
Quick, think of one! Math? OK, math. So Buffy is sitting in math and the
board is covered in quadratics, plotted parabolic solutions and diagrams
that teachers think help students understand vectors. Buffy's look of intense
concentration fades to disheartened defeat as the teacher drones on. We
get her POV as equations, graphs and symbols blur into one another. She
nods off.
TEACHER
Ms. Vesquese, are we boring you?
BUFFY / MARIA
Huh? Uh, no. Sorry.
there are a few giggles from the class and Buffy looks around realizing
that it's not her class. It's not even the same room. The bell rings and
everyone leaves. Buffy collects her books and wanders into the hall she's
definitely in the fifties.
BUFFY / MARIA
Please let this be preparations for the dance.
She looks down at her cloths for the first time. She's in the fifties
too but she's still wearing the found bracelet. Maria's bracelet.
BUFFY / MARIA
Oh. It's a dream.. math?
CORDELIA (AS JESSIE)
Maria! You weren't thinking about ditching us were you? (Buffy
is totally blank) We have to get the gym ready for the dance, remember?
Mike'll be there.
BUFFY/MARIA
Oh, yeah, right.
Jessie takes Buffy by the hand and walks away. CUT TO-
SCENE 10
INT. GYM. DREAMTIME.
Jessie enters with Buffy in tow. Buffy is pushing an AV cart filled
with rolls of streamers, bags of balloons, a helium tank and many rolls
of tape. A bunch of kids in two tones, cardigans, below the knee skirts
and rolled up jeans greet them.
CORDELIA/JESSIE
Let's get to work.
CUT TO: Buffy atop a ladder taping streamers up.
BUFFY / MARIA
You see what happens when you lead an abnormal life? You have normal
dreams.. depressingly average, normal dreams. I doze off in math class
and do I go to Tahiti? No. I, the slayer, decorate the gym for a dance.
Please let me wake up... soon.
XANDER(AS MIKE)
I hear talking to yourself is okay as long as you don't interrupt.
BUFFY / MARIA
(looking down) Mike! (tries to figure out why she said that)
XANDER/MIKE
Jessie said that you and I should go get the netting for the balloons.
They've got them all ready.
BUFFY / MARIA
Gee that'd be swell, Mike. (under her breath) God, I sound like
Leave it to Beaver.
Buffy and Xander head to the utility room. Cordelia catches Buffy's
eye and gives a smiling thumbs-up as if there were some sort of secret
between them.
SCENE 11
INT. DIM UTILITY ROOM. DREAMTIME.
Buffy and Xander are looking for the net.
XANDER/MIKE
Do you talk to yourself often?
BUFFY / MARIA
Only when I'm stuck in my dreams.
she finds the net and starts to pull on it but it's hopelessly tangled
in other equipment.
XANDER/MIKE
Here, let me help. Funny, you don't talk to yourself when you're
stuck in my dreams.
their hands touch and there is a pause. She looks him in
the eye.
EXT. SCHOOL. DREAMTIME.
Buffy has no idea how she got here but she and Xander/Mike are still
holding hands. She finds herself saying
BUFFY / MARIA
Walk me home?
XANDER/MIKE
I thought you'd never ask.
EXT. MARIA'S HOUSE / PORCH. DREAMTIME.
Once again Buffy has no idea how she got here but she and Xander/Mike
are still holding hands and she finds herself saying
BUFFY / MARIA
Thanks for the walk.
they draw closer.
XANDER/MIKE
The pleasure was all mine.
They kiss. It starts as a teenagers in the fifties kiss. At least,
what movies in the fifties said kissing was. It escalates to 90210 and
is heading for full blown Melrose when -
CARMALITTA VESQUESE (MARIA'S MOM)
Maria Ruiz Vesquese! What are you doing?
the kissers part like the Red Sea.
BUFFY / MARIA
Mom!
INT. SCHOOL / MATH CLASS. DAY.
everyone looks at Buffy who has just screamed "Mom" and is fully
awake. She tries to disappear into her seat but not even the Black Hole
of Calcutta would be deep enough.
SCENE 12
INT. LIBRARY. AFTER SCHOOL.
Buffy and Willow are talking. Giles is sorting weapons for training.
BUFFY
The Black Hole of Calcutta wouldn't have been deep enough. Ugh.
Why couldn't invisibility be one of my powers?
WILLOW
Are we forgetting something?
BUFFY
Oh yeah, her. Well at least "ignore me now" would be useful.
Xander enters in the background.
WILLOW
So this Mike guy was -
BUFFY
Xander.
WILLOW
And you -
BUFFY
Thought I'd ask Xander how he's doing. How are you doing, Xander?
XANDER
(suspicious) All right. Did my tardiness to the daily meeting of
the Scoobi club cause me to miss something?
BUFFY
Nope! Nothing.
WILLOW
Just girl stuff.
XANDER
My favorite kind of stuff.
BUFFY
Oh not this stuff.
WILLOW
No, this was bad. Girl stuff.
GILES
(entering with more weapons) So you kissed this Mike person in
your dream who was actually Xander and you were actually Maria.
BUFFY
NO!..not even..
XANDER
Aaah
BUFFY
(to Giles) Do you have a chain there? Because one of those vamps
last night used a motorcycle chain on me and I think I'm a little rusty
on chains.
GILES
You beat him? With your bare hands?
BUFFY
Kicked his butt bad, which is why I think you should go get a chain.
So I can show you what I did to him.
XANDER
Did he just say -
WILLOW
Come with me to the psychology section.
XANDER
I'd rather (Buffy gives him "the look") go with Willow.
WILLOW
I think Jung is in order, Freud won't work for this.
XANDER
But I like Freud. He had such a one track mind.
WILLOW
Being the Slayer is an 8-track kind of job.
Willow and Xander are gone.
GILES
er sorry, wasn't thinking. (she glares at him for a bit) Should
we talk about this? (she continues to glare) I'll go put on the body
armor.
CUT TO Giles attacking with a chain and Buffy trying various methods
of stopping it or taking it away. They talk during this.
GILES
Why is this dream bothering you so much?
BUFFY
Hi-yah! Because it was so normal.
GILES
What do you mean?
BUFFY
It was like real life. Boring except for that freaky bit at the
end.
GILES
Have you considered that you may have feelings for Xander? After
all he did bring you - (she drives him into the ground) Hgh!! back from
the dead.
BUFFY
(calmer) I know but no. No way. (helps him up) And that's not what's
bugging me it's.. it was so real. I remember it as reality not as a dream.
In the dream Maria's mothers name was Carmalitta Vesquese. Have you ever
waken up from a dream and known peoples names, Giles?
GILES
Can't say that I have. What did you say her name was?
BUFFY
Carmalitta Vesquese. Carmalitta Ruiz Vesquese .. Ring any bells?
GILES
It sounds familiar. I'll do some checking. (he's lying. He knows
exactly who Carmalitta is but he wants to read up on her before telling
Buffy)
BUFFY
I'm not turning into prophecy girl again am I?
Xander and Willow enter from the back of the library.
XANDER
So you're saying that if it was really me I'd have been a frog,
but because I was me and not an amphibian I actually represented an unresolved
conflict between Buffy and her mother.
WILLOW
I'm not saying it. Carl Jung is. You could also have been a conflict
Buffy has with herself.
XANDER
Like a, "she really wants me but can't admit it" conflict?
WILLOW
No, because then -
XANDER
I'd be a frog.
WILLOW
Right.
XANDER
I like Freud better.
GILES
(to Buffy) That's enough for today. I'll check on that and let you know what turns up tomorrow.