This is my very first fanfic. It's Buffy's thoughts more than a story. It's very short and may not be very good, but any comments what so ever would be Greatly appreciated!! Please give me feedback!

As I lay here unable to move, I find myself thinking about everything that has happened since Angel turned bad. I can't even remember before. That's the way it's become; My life has been neatly divided into two sections: Before that night and After. I just call it That Night now, trying to impersonnalize it but it doesn't work. The memory haunts me everywhere I go. I used to think that finding out I was the Slayer was the biggest turn of events in my life but now I realize that it's no longer true.

I try to get up, off the bed, I can't think about this anymore but my legs won't work. Maybe this is the way he felt, tied up, unable to get away, screaming for help before Angel finally ripped his throat out. I sudder. Willow will never forgive. How could she? I will never forgive myself for letting Angel kill Xander. One of my best friends. But most of all, I will never forgive myself for not killing Angel all those times I had a chance.

No wait. Angel.. Angel would never do these things... Angel would never hurt me. He is Angelus now, my Angel is dead. A vampire like all others, so what if he looks like the man I love. Loved. I'm a vampire slayer, this should be just a routine job for me, but it's not. My heart keeps getting in the way.

I used to find myself dreaming of finding a way to return Angel's soul to him and that everything could just go back to normal. But I guess now I'm older and wiser, or at least less hopeful.

Most of that hope died with Mom. Oh God, I promised myself not to think about that. Not to think about him killing her, how she had no idea. It's all my fault. I will always remember walking into her room and finding her there. Or at least her head. I vomitted at the sight. We found pieces of her all over the house, and the heart on my pillow with a note saying "Enjoy". I almost got killed that night seeking vengeance. I just walked into the warehouse and threw myself at him. What made things worse was that all he did was laugh. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, I'm not even sure if I ever got a punch in. A group of vamps then proceeded to beat me into a pulp before I managed somehow to escape.

Things won't ever be the same. How can I possibly go on living like this? How is it possible? maybe one day I'll find the answer. Maybe it's out there somewhere, a little further than here.