AUTHOR's NOTES: This little ditty takes place after "Prophecy Girl" and was inspired by Sarah Michell Gellars' comment in TV Guide that in the season premiere.."We will find Buffy is not quite herself. She's got a lot to deal with. I mean, she died." It is also the second vignette of my "Prophecy Girl" trilogy.
Both the title and the quote are taken from the Eagles song, "Learn to Be Still" off the Hell Freezes Over reunion album.
"There are so many contridictions
In all these messages we send
(We keep asking)
How do I get out of here
Where do I fit in?
Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breakin'
It's waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still
You just keep on runnin'
Keep on runnin"
The phone rang and she answered it, half suprised that her teenage daughter hadn't beaten her to the punch. "Oh hi, Willow. Yes, she's here. Hold on." Joyce Summers placed the phone down onto the table and started to walk up the stairs. "Buffy?" When there was no reply she continued her trek up to her sixteen year old daughters' well..pit would be a good word for it. She knocked on the door, "Honey? Willow's on the phone."
Silence.
She gently pushed the door opened and stepped in. Instead of being greeted by the usual flurry of activity which she normally associated with Buffy, it was almost quiet. Almost. The television was on. The 16 inch screen showed a man and a woman alternately fighting and kissing. One of the those bizarre prime-time soap operas that Buffy was so fond of. Of course the girl wouldn't admit it but a mother knew better. Besides, this was proof if ever any was needed.
Joyce stepped across the room to where Buffy's bed was and smiled. There she lay, curled into a small ball, head tucked under one arm with the other shooting aimlessly out. Buffy's finger-tips just did brush the spine of an opened math book. Still smiling Joyce picked up the phone sitting on the floor next to Buffy's bed. "Willow, Buffy's sleep..." her voice faltered as she leaned over to close the math book.
"Ms. Summers?" the girl on the other side asked, a strange note of worry entering her voice.
"Hm? Oh..sorry..Willow, Buffy's sleeping. I'll have her call you when she wakes up." Joyce said softly, sitting down on the bed. Willow thanked her and hung up. Absently, Joyce placed the phone back into the cradle and then picked up the math book. Smack in the middle of the page were several circular wet spots.
She glanced around the bed for anything that could have spilled but the closest glass was sitting still full on Buffy's desk. Joyce frowned. Normally she would have just thought Buffy had spilled something on the book but the stains were still wet...new.
The girl moaned and took her face away from her arm allowing Joyce an unobstructed view of Buffy's features. And of the dried tear-tracks. "Oh baby..." she lightly brushed a hand against her daughters' cheek. "What's got you so upset that you cried yourself to sleep?"
Only it was more than that.
Her mind began to spin frantically for answers but all it came up with more questions. Ever since the Spring Fling Friday evening, Buffy had been acting oddly. She'd twice over the weekend refused phonce calls..once from Xander and once from Willow. That in and of itself was bizarre because Joyce was still holding to the belief that her sixteen year old daughter had been born with a phone attached to her ear.
Closing her eyes, Joyce tried to recall Saturday morning. It was only a few hours earlier after all.
She had gone in to wake Buffy up and been somewhat suprised to see the girl lying there at all. She had given Buffy permission to crash at Willow's after the dance. The only reason she'd even bothered to check Buffy's room in the first place was force of habit. It was almost instinct to wake Buffy up. To see for herself that the dreams that continued to plague Buffy hadn't shaken her into tears.
She often wondered what Buffy dreamt about. It had to be something awful because as of late it was almost standard procedure to hear her daughters' terror stricken screams rip through the house. And by the time Joyce had flipped the light on and raced to her side, the girl was always shaking. Sometimes she looked like she was about to cry but whenever Joyce would ask her about the dreams the only answer she would ever receive was that they were just dreams. No big deal.
But that couldn't be true. Even teenagers weren't plagued every night with what she could only assume to be terrifying dreams. Buffy was an extremely strong young woman. Very little phased her and yet whatever she saw in her dream-world was enough to turn her into a trembling child.
It wasn't right. She'd asked Buffy before if she wouldn't consider speaking to a shrink and of course the girl had laughed and replied, "Oh great, now you think I'm crazy too."
Joyce had let the counseling idea drop because she knew that no matter what, Buffy would never go for it. That was the other thing, the girl was very closed in..she held so much inside that there were times when it threatened to explode.
She placed the back of her hand lightly against Buffy's face and sat down on the bed. Frowning slightly she moved her hand up to her daughters' forehead and wasn't all that suprised to feel a bit of heat radiating from her. "Oh honey.."
"Mom.." Buffy moaned softly, curling further into a ball. Joyce touched her arm and turned the girl towards her so that she was resting in her arms.
"It's okay, baby, momma's here," Joyce murmured. She held the girl until she stopped murmuring and then she pulled back the sheets and put Buffy under them. "Sleep well, honey. I'll be right down the hall." She leaned over and gently kissed the young Slayer on her feverish forehead. Glancing once over her shoulder she exited the room quietly.
She heard the screams long before her mind registered them. For a moment all she could do was blink and then instinct threw her out of her bed and into her daughters' room ten feet down the hallway. In a hurried, half-consious movement, Joyce snapped the light on and rushed to Buffy's bed.
Buffy jerked around in her bed, her arms whipping from side to side as if she was engaged in a life and death battle. She threw out a clenched fist and came within half an inch of connecting with her mothers' face. Joyce tried to grab the girls' hand but Buffy was suprisingly strong.
"Buffy! Honey!" Joyce cried, placing a hand on each of Buffy's shoulders and shaking vigorously. In response Buffy lifted her hands up to her throat and began to choke. Deeply frightened now, Joyce did the only thing she could think to do; she slapped her daughter sharply across the face.
Buffy's eyelids ripped open and she stared panic-stricken and frightened up at her mother. Her blue eyes showed no signs of recognition, only fear and confusion. It was like she didn't know where she was. "I'm not scared of you," Buffy whimpered, her own voice betraying her.
Joyce reached down and touched Buffy's face,"It's okay..you're safe..you're okay," she murmured. She placed an arm under the trembling girl and helped her sit up. "You're at home."
"Home?" Buffy repeated uncertainly. She blinked and tried desperately to gain some type of focus. Joyce placed her hand on Buffy's forehead and noticed that the fever had gotten worse.
"Home," Joyce reitterated. "You're okay..it was only a dream. No one is going to hurt you..I promise. Hold on, baby." She squeezed Buffy's hand and then stood up and quickly left the room.
"Mom?" Buffy asked frantically, her voice rising quickly in pitch.
Joyce reappeared a moment later with a damp folded washcloth. "I'm right here, honey." She placed it on Buffy's forehead. "It's okay..you've got a fever. It'll be okay."
"Mom, where am I? Xander? Will?" The girl sounded like she was about to cry. "I won't let you down.."
"Buffy..Willow and Xander are fine..I spoke to Willow earlier tonight. It's just a dream."
A single tear rolled down Buffy's cheek, "I don't want to die," she said just before the dam broke and the floodgates opened literally. The girl began to sob hysterically. Eyes widening Joyce gripped her daughter tightly and rocked her.
"Shh.."Joyce murmured. She had a feeling that words would mean very little to Buffy so she simply murmured softly into the girls' ear, hoping to calm her. And still Buffy spoke. Acutually it was more incoherent rambling then much of anything else. Her words ran together in awkward slurred sentences. And the things she spoke of..demons. No wonder the poor child was so frightened.
After what seemed like forever the sobs finally began to subside. Although it didn't seem possible, Buffy tried to curl herself even tighter into a ball, going so far as to tuck her head under her arm protectively. Joyce wanted to continue holding her daughter but she recognized the fact that Buffy had withdrawn again..even without realizing it. Sighing loudly she decided to content herself with merely watching her daughter sleep.
"Mom? Mom? What are you doing in here?" Buffy asked softly as she shook the older woman awake. Joyce Summers moaned and then glanced up at Buffy. Almost instantly she was on her feet.
"Buffy? Are you alright?"
"Hello..calm, mom. It's okay..were you dreaming?" Buffy inquired.
Shaking her head Joyce murmured, "Not me..you. You were having the worst dreams last night. Can..can you remember them at all?"
"D..Dr..Dreams?" Buffy stammered as her mind was flooded with images from the night of the Spring Fling. She kept seeing the confrontation in the Masters' underground lair playing over and over in her head. Nevermind that she had kicked his vampiric ass on the top..the dreams still haunted her. She could still vividly recall the pain that had ripped through her body as he had drained the blood from her. And he had taken so little and yet the pain had been so much more severe than anything she had ever felt before.
Joyce nodded, "Yes..you were crying." Her voice had softened into worried compassion for her young sixteen year old daughter. There were times when Buffy acted so much older that sometimes it was easy to forget that she was little more than a young child trying to find her place in the world.
"Scary dream I guess,"Buffy murmured. "I..I, uh..don't remember.." Joyce could tell that she was lying.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. Look..I'm gonna go out for a run. I need some fresh air." Buffy said abruptly, indicating that she was done with the conversation.
"Honey, I don't know if that's such a good idea. You were running a pretty serious temp last night...
"Mom..." Buffy said, tilting her head to indicate irritating, "Are you coddling me? I'm a big girl, really. They're dreams...I've been watching too many scary movies with Xander and Willow. That's it."
Joyce wasn't buying but she also realized that it was useless to argue with Buffy. "Alright but you be careful.."
Buffy rolled her eyes.
She ran until she reached the park and then she collapsed on the grass sobbing. She wanted so badly to tell her mother everything but she couldn't. Not like her mom would understand anyways. No way, uh uh...Joyce Summers would just stare back at her in shock before picking up the phone and dialing 1-800-CHARTER. Bad enough her mother already had to check on her at least once a night but if she knew the reason..oh God...
Wiping the tears from her eyes, Buffy tried to remember the words Angel had murmured as they had danced in her room after the Spring Fling. He had come to comfort and talk to her and he had. As much as he could anyways. She'd been so exhausted and yet she'd stayed awake in his arms until the light had began to peak and he'd been forced to flee. She'd felt safe there and yet even there she couldn't let it all go. Xander and his damned pledge of love. And even after being shafted he'd still breathed life back into her. Willow..Oh God Willow..what she had seen had shaken her and yet she'd still found the courage to break her promise to stay indoors. Giles and his foolish plan to go against the Master himself. She almost smiled when she thought of how she'd decked her Watcher. Ohh she was going to get it for that one. And Cordelia. Not like you could exactly forget the impact she'd made..especially to the Library. Buffy made a mental note not to ever loan Cordelia her car..when she got one of course.
"You don't look well," a soft, oddly familiar, male voice said from behind her. She started to turn to look at him.
"I'm fine," Buffy replied dryly, "Thanks for the concern." She turned to face the speaker and gasped, "Pike."
"Hey, Buff." Pike said with a small grin touching his lips. He reached down and offered her a hand. Still shell-shocked she took it and let him pull her to his feet. A moment later she was in his arms, hugging him fiercely. "Buff," he gasped, "You'll break a man's bones like that."
"I'm sorry," Buffy squeaked. Then she pushed herself away from him and stared up into his eyes, "How..I..saw..I saw.."
He touched her face lightly, "There are things you don't understand."
She placed her hand over his for a moment and then roughly pushed it off and turned away. Closing her eyes, she steadied herself before replying, "Like what? Like the fact that everyone I let get close to me ends up dead?" Eyes still closed she murmured, "I can't take it anymore, Pike."
He grasped her shoulder and turned her around, "Have faith in yourself, Buff. We all do."
Even as he spoke the words she could feel a cold anger moving through her body. It acted as though it were a gas, winding itself around every thought until it finally consumed her and she exploded, "Why?" she screamed. Without thinking she slammed her fist into Pike's chest. Eyes widening in suprise but oddly not pain, Pike glanced down at his chest. He reached out his hands to grab her wrists but the angry Slayer spun away from him, her blue eyes ablaze with fury. "Everyone keeps saying that they trust me with their lives but maybe I don't want that trust! How many more people do I have to get killed? How many more times do I have to watch the people I love die? How many?" Her last words were stammered out between hysterical, frame-wracking sobs.
Never missing a beat, Pike brought her in tight against his chest, "Lemme tell ya something, Buff..you've come a helluva long way from that girl you were back in LA. When I met ya, you were a nothing to me..now you're a somebody. It sucks dying but it's okay because.."
Her anger rose again and she shoved him violently away, "It's not okay. I loved you! I loved you and I let you..I let you.."Shaking violently she looked up into his eyes, "I loved you and I let you die because I gave into my fear."
The tears were gone now, replaced by a much colder emotion that in and of itself was far more horrifying than the fact that her mood and emotion had signifigantly altered in the space of a mere moment. "Never again," Buffy swore. Her tone was cold and calculated.
"Buffy, you can't let this tear you apart.." Pike protested.
"Why not? Nothing's changed, Pike..you're not alive and this is just a dream or a delirious apparition or something way weird like that. It's time I face the truth..I nearly died Friday night because I wasn't prepared. I've been floating through this like it was some after-school play but it's not. It's life and in your case, it's death. I knew better..I know better now."
"Oh, Buffy..there's so much you don't understand," Pike said again, his hand moving slowly across her face. "You're a Slayer, yes but you're also a sixteen year old girl."
"Well now that we've cleared that up," Buffy retorted, "We can move on. I've accepted my fate and my birthright. That's what you people always wanted right? No more reason to be disappointed in me for walking away..I'm right here..not going anywhere. I'll stand and fight if that's what you want from me but dammit don't you ask me to put any of them on the line."
Pike sighed in exasperation. Well some things never changes. Buffy was still stubborn and still honor-bound. Even when she had been a preppy she'd been loyal to her moronic friends. Now that loyalty was more..it was also a deep sense of belonging that had given her the strength to continue her fight. Pike had little doubt that without that strength, the Slayer would soon be no more. "Buff..c'mon, be reasonable.."
She laughed without humor, "You know what I remember of that night when you.." she swallowed. Strange but she still had a devil of a time facing that fact that he was acutually dead. Taking a deep breath she plunged ahead, "I remember us lying on the grass making out like teenagers..like we were perfectally normal. But that was just a lie. And then they came at us but I wasn't prepared..I wasn't ready to fight and they ki..killed you."
"They outnumbered us," Pike protested. And that was true. Two weeks before the move to Sunnydale, while Buffy's mother was still fighting the Hemry School Board to keep Buffy from getting expelled, they'd gone on a date and been ambushed by at least half a dozen vampires. He'd lost his life and Buffy had come awful close. After she had finally dispatched the last of the vampires, she'd come to his side with blood gushing down her face and her clothes ripped and muddy. Tears rolling down across her cheeks, she had pulled him into her arms.
"Hold on, Pike...it'll be okay.."
"I see lights, Buff..oh man..this is weirder than Benny floating..I see lights.."
"Don't go on me...I can't do this alone..I can't..."
"But you made it, Buff." Pike reminded her. "You are the Slayer but even you can't work alone. Who else needs to tell you that?"
Buffy started to walk away from him. "There's a line, Pike and I'm drawing it. First Merrick, then you..who's next? Xander? Will? Giles? Angel? They're my family..I... No more. It ends here. The Slayer goes solo from now on."
"Buff!" Pike yelled after her. "Buff, come on. Don't do this." He started to race after her but an invisible shield held him in place. He cried out for her again, "Buffy! Please!"
Almost as if she had reconsidered she turned and walked back towards him with a fierce determined look on her face. Eyes still ablaze she reached up and pressed her lips to his. Hard and passionate. After a long moment, she pulled away and he stared into her eyes hoping to see a bit of calm in them. But the angry dullness remained as she spoke to him, "You may be dead but dammit, I still love you and if I have my way, you'll be the last lover I ever bury." Then she turned and walked away leaving him to watch her in desperation. Whatever else he knew, one thing was for certain, if Buffy refused to allow herself to love again, then it was over already.
"Oh hi, Willow, Xander." Joyce Summers said softly as she opened the door to allow the two teenagers into her house. The two kids wore matching expressions of worry and concern. For her daughter. She'd called them over in hopes that they could help her understand what was wrong with Buffy.
"Is she alright?" Xander asked quickly. "She is alright, right?" Willow grazed the back of his hand with hers in a gesture of support even though she herself was shaking. These kids definately knew something.
"She's upstairs in her room sleeping. She's a bit unfocused and slightly feverish so I've had her sedated since she got back from her run this morning. She was acting really strange." She chuckled lightly; almost as if she wore trying to convince herself that this was all some bizarre joke, "She's not going to be happy when she realizes I drugged her."
"No.." Willow said nervously. Score a point for mom on both counts..Buffy was going to be livid when she woke up and there was very little doubt in her mind that the Slayer would know exactly what had happened to her. "Um, what do you mean she was acting strange?"
Joyce shook her head as she tried to come up with a way to describe the way Buffy had acted when she'd walked in the door of the house. Cold. That was the only word for it.
Yes, there had been times in the past where Buffy had more then just withdrawn; she'd been downright depressed but even then she'd radiated some type of warmth. A small reassuring smile. Something. But when she'd walked into the house with sweat pouring down her face and her hair jutting in various directions, there had been no warmth there. Just cold, hard, focused determination. Why? What for? Buffy had very calmly told her that she'd be in her room and then she had gone there. The decision to slip the sedatives Dr. Greery had given her months earlier for Buffy's sleeplessness had been easy. And she'd known that the girl would never take it willingly. So she's made some lemonade and allowed it to disolve and then she'd gone up to Buffy's room hoping that the girl would give her a reason to "accidentally" spill over the drink. What she had seen had only made her move faster. Upon entering Buffy's room, she'd watched as her daughter had very cooly, very calmly removed the photos of her friends from the wall. But it wasn't all of the pics. No, it was just the ones with her in it that she took down.
"Did something happen at the dance on Friday? Did someone hurt her?" Joyce asked, her voice trembling a bit as she considered the possibilites. Could someone have assaulted her?
Xander and Willow exchanged a look. Neither of them knew quite what to say. The truth was unbelievable but Joyce Summers was no fool. She was demanding answers and she deserved them. After it was all said and done..Buffy was her daughter, her baby and no one had the right to tell her that she shouldn't worry about her daughter.
"She, uh..wasn't with us the whole night." Xander offered. He looked at Willow and shrugged ever-so-slightly. And then he prayed that Joyce hadn't seen him.
"So someone could have hurt her." It was a statement not a question and it sent a chill through her body. And it made so much sense. The horrific nightmares of the previous night; her closed off atitude and now her icy disposition.
"She might just have a lot on her mind," Willow protested. Yes, Buffy had been hurt. But not in the way that her mother was thinking. The girl had lost her life and then been brought back. But something had happened to her on the way back and it had drastically changed her. Even after the battle had ended, the anger at and hatred of the Master had lingered. And her quick unannounced departure from the Bronze had only driven the point home that on the way back to the land of the living, Buffy had left a part of her soul behind.
"I'm worried about her," Joyce said softly. Don't break down in front of the kids, they're worried about Buffy too. I can see it in their eyes, they know what's wrong with her but they can't tell me..why?
"Um, I know she's sleeping but uh..can we see her?" Xander asked in a very quiet voice. "I mean just to.."
Joyce saved the boy the agony of having to spit the sentence out. She touched his shoulder, "Go ahead but be quick. The one time a few months back that Buffy acutually used the sedative, it didn't last for very long."
"Thanks," Xander said before grabbing Willow's hand and rushing her up the stairs. Normally Joyce would have been reluctant to allow a boy into her sleeping daughters' room but the girl was still dressed in her work-out clothes plus it wasn't like Xander had never been in Buffy's room before. Besides, maybe on some bizarre plane of consiousness, Buffy could draw strenth from the support of her two closest friends hovering nearby. Strength enough to sleep comfortably.
The two sixteen years old entered the Slayers' room cautiously both very much aware of the fact that something had occured to Buffy when the Master had killed her that had given her more advanced powers. Perhaps enough to fight off the sedative that was racing through her blood. Neither of them wanted to be on the receiving end of Buffy's rage.
Xander tilted his head as he gazed at the bed. "Aw.." And it was true. The Slayer was curled up on the bed, covers pulled up to her chin, bangs covering her forehead. She wasn't moving which meant that she wasn't dreaming. So far the sedative had done it's job.
Willow approached the bed and very gently touched the Slayer, "We're here for you," she murmured. Then she looked at Xander, "We should leave. We really need to talk to Giles."