Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story. The characters and the places are not mine. The song belongs to Ben Keith and Jewel. So don't sue.

READ: This is a story starting with Buffy listening to a song by Jewel, and reacting to it. Then it goes unto the rest of the plot. Takes place after Killed by Death. (my first story with bad Angel!)

I lie here, not so sure of myself. I'm on my bed, in my home, my sanctuary, my safe haven, yet I'm crying. I think, this is the one place I'm safe, yet so many memories lay here. Here is where it all began. Well, maybe it started in the alley, but this is where I first became aware of what I was getting into, yet I had no idea of what would happen. No idea that I would fall in love. No idea that I would gain so much. Comfort, a friend, a partner , and most of all, a lover. No idea that I would lose it all so quickly. I would lose the comfort the love, the lover. Plus my soul, my heart, my mind. I wish God would be generous for once. Let me be the winner, let me be the one to come out ahead. And just for once, let me be truly, deeply happy. I was for a moment, maybe a few weeks, when we had are own little dates, though we never went out. We would just sit and talk, maybe kiss. I just wish I had one more moment, one more touch, just one more kiss. Anything, just to ease the pain.

I turn on the radio, a slow song that I have never heard. The lyrics start.

I hear the clock, it's six am.
I feel so far from where I've been

The first two lines are exactly how I feel now. Everything changed so fast it's like it never happened. It's so far away, I don't know if he ever loved me. Although I tell myself he did, it's now to the point I'm trying to convince myself that it's true, but it isn't. I know he would say he loves me, but he can't.

Dreams last so long,
Even after you're gone,
I know you love me
And soon you will see,
You were meant for me,
And I was meant for you

I only wish the same were true for Angelus. I pray every night that he would see, but I know that hell couldn't change his mind. I know I was meant for him, and he was always meant for me. We fit together perfectly, and in more ways that one. The rest of the song was a blur, picking up little parts here and there.

More hearts being broken,
or people being used

Sometimes I think maybe Angel just used me. Maybe he wanted to be his former self, and I was an easy way out. If he heard these words I know he would be crying, if he could. Maybe he would shed blood tears.

It made me miss you oh so bad

Everything has been reminding me of him. Yesterday Willow asked me to see City of Angels. I said no and said I had to go. I ran and cried.

Go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line,
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken everyday

I put on a mask, so people will see I'm okay. What they don't know is that my insides are crying, whats left of my heart is bleeding. I'm really a total wreak. I don't want to remind them of the past. So my whole lifes a play, and me an actress, playing the part of a happy bouncy slayer, when the whole time thats all it is, an act.

I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll all be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight

Correction there, I am dead. Losing Angel was like losing myself. It's like a part of me, a big part, was ripped out. I never knew how much I needed him until he was gone. Without him, I'm half a slayer, half a person, half a soul. I'll never feel the same about anyone else. I'm going to spend my life alone, then maybe, I'll find some peace. It shouldn't be that long. Slayers don't live long enough to see our ten year high school reunion. I'll never get over him, I'll spend the rest of my days alone, afraid, and morning over the loss of my love. Then one day, I'll die in his arms, and by his hand.