Disclaimer: None of the Buffy characters, specifically Buffy and Angel, are mine. I kind of wish Angel was but... Ok, Anyway the poem I use also isn't mine. It's by Emily Bronte, it's called Remembrance and it was written in 1846.

Note: This is set in between Passion and Go Fish Becoming II doesn't exist.

Summary: Even thought Angel hasn't been sent to hell this isn't a happy story. Basically Buffy muses over a poem and deals with her grief.

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It was over, finally. She had finally won. Angel was cornered. Quickly, before she could decide against it she plunged the steak into his heart. Part of her died in that same moment. Looking into his eyes she saw utter surprise but to her great relief her Angel, the one she loved had not returned at the last minute so that she could see the betrayal in his eyes. It was Angelus. His eyes were cold and cruel.

She watched, tears welling in her eyes, as his body began to slowly disintegrate. Ashes in the wind. The hard part was knowing that it was the same body that had held her, comforted her. The same lips that had kissed hers so gently and the same hands that had had caressed her so softly. Her stake clattered to the pavement of the parking lot below disturbing the peaceful quiet of the night. Only minutes before the night had been filled with the sounds of battle. Now there was nothing left.

She turned now, heading towards the park. Sitting on a swing the night breeze swirled gently around her. Loose strands of hair caught in the wind . Gentle moon-light shone down and a thousand cold stars twinkled above her. He's up there, she thought. Maybe he's finally at peace.

Glancing around she saw the slide and merry-go-round. The jungle gym stood so still in the night. It was hard to believe that during the day children would come to play and laugh. In a way she could almost hear their laughter. They were so free of all cares. She remembered her times as a child. She longed for it's simplicity. It was a time when she had known peace.. She had known simple unconditional love. There were no questions as to who to love and who to trust. She hadn't had to worry about monsters, demons or lost loves. Angelus was the worst of all three.

Looking back she had known only days after her birthday that it would end like this. With him gone and her standing tall. She would never allow him the satisfaction of killing her and she wouldn't fail Angel. The person she had loved.

Memories hit her then with such force that she had to reach for the chains of the swing to steady herself. Their first kiss, so sweet and tentative but all the same passionate. He had pulled away, afraid to look at her. When he did he revealed the truth, he was a vampire. She had tried to hunt him down to kill him then but in the end it proved unnecessary. They had agreed that the relationship was doomed to failure a few nights later at the Bronze. They had parted then with one final kiss. Other memories hit her too. Halloween when he had told her that he had always dreamed of meeting someone like her. She remembered helping him after he had been tortured and essentially drained of energy by Spike and Drusilla. Most of all she remembered him finally admitting that he loved her. That night they made love and the days after were still clear in her mind.

She forced the memories back because with them came pain. Deep and throbbing. She almost felt empty. The poem by Emily Bronte she had been forced to recite in English last week came back to her. She hadn't understood it then but now it all seemed so clear.

*
Cold in the earth, and the deep snow piled above thee!
Far, far removed, cold in the dreary grave!
Have I forgot, my Only Love, to love thee,
Severed at last by Time's all-wearing wave?

Now, when alone, do my thoughts no longer hover
Over the mountains, on that northern shore;
Resting their wings where hearth and fern-leaves cover
Thy noble heart for ever, ever more?

Cold in the earth, and fifteen wild Decembers
From those brown hills have melted into spring --
Faithful indeed is the spirit that remembers
After such years of change and suffering!

Sweet Love of youth, forgive if I forget thee
While the World's tide is bearing me along:
Other desires and other hopes beset me,
Hopes which obscure but cannot do thee wrong.

No later light has lightened up my heaven,
No second morn has ever shone for me:
All my life's bliss from thy dear life was given --
All my life's bliss is in the grave with thee.

But when the days of golden dreams had perished
And even Despair was powerless to destroy,
Then did I learn how existence could be cherished,
Strengthened and fed without the aid of joy;

Then did I check the tears of useless passion,
Weaned my young soul from yearning after thine;
Sternly denied its burning wish to hasten
Down to that tomb already more than mine!

And even yet, I dare not let it languish,
Dare not indulge in Memory's rapturous pain;
Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,
How could I seek the empty world again?*

She wouldn't forget him. He would be in her heart forever. She couldn't look back. Not yet. She had to move on but he would always be there. All the pain, all the passion would remain. Part of her soul was dead with him. He could not be replaced but maybe something else in life could begin could fill the void of empty space that entered her heart when his soul left him. It wasn't wrong to move on. She wouldn't be doing him a disservice by loving someone else because it would be what he wanted. Maybe she wouldn't be able to move on because all others would seem pale in comparison to him.

She had given him her trust, her love and her soul. She didn't think she could give anyone else that again. Maybe everything good had died with him, at least for now. In time maybe she would learn to live and love again. It was useless to wish him back. She couldn't have him. Not anymore. He was gone, dead at her head. She couldn't die with him. She wouldn't. Then it would have all been for nothing.

She couldn't remember him, not yet, maybe not ever. It hurt, too much. If she did dwell on her time with him and let it become her obsession than she wouldn't be able to go on living. Still, she wouldn't ever forget him. Maybe when she was old and had lived a full life she would look back on her time with him and it would be a comfort to her in the night. Once the pain had faded her memories could be a comfort.

With these thoughts she walked towards home a small smile on her face. She wasn't sure why she was smiling. Maybe it was because she had finally set him and part of herself free.

Fin, Hope you like it.