Buffy sat on her bed, holding Mr. Gordo close to her chest and crying silently, wishing she had more strength within her. A month had passed since she had last seen Angel, right before she'd betrayed him, and she had not heard from him. No one had. She had no doubts but that Giles would have told her if he'd stopped by. Buffy knew her friends were worried about her, but she was having a hard time snapping out of her depression. At least before when Angel had lost his soul it had been no one's fault, with the possible exception of Ms. Calendar. This time however, there was no question in Buffy's mind whose fault it was -- hers. Plain and simple.
She wiped at her eyes and looked at the alarm clock beside her bed. It was five fifty-two, time for Angel to go to sleep for the day. Wiping at her eyes again, Buffy clutched the stuffed pig closer to her, memories floating through her mind of happier times. As far as she was concerned every other time in her life had been happier than this. Even a soul-less Angel would have been preferable than the knowledge that existed in her mind; the knowledge that she'd betrayed the man she loved for purely selfish reasons. She couldn't live without him. Buffy knew that if their positions had been reversed Angel would have gladly allowed her to die rather than have her live as a vampire. She wished she could talk to him, try to explain . . .
"How he must hate me," she whispered to herself, pulling the covers up close to her and closing her eyes.
"No one could ever hate you," a soft voice replied. Buffy shot upright in bed and whirled towards the window, to stare into the eyes of her soul-mate. Almost immediately she jumped from the bed and wrapped her small arms around him, sobbing on his shoulder. Angel reacted as he always did when she cried, softly stroked her hair and whispered words of comfort into her ear.
"I - I," Buffy's voice cracked. "God, I'm so sorry," she finally managed, more tears flowing down her cheeks.
"It's okay," he told her gently, hugging her close to him. "I don't blame you, and I'm not mad at you."
She looked up at him. "Really?" she asked, her voice sounding plaintive and young even to her own ears. He nodded. "Then . . . then why haven't you been around?"
Angel shrugged slightly. "I just needed some time," he answered. "I have to go."
"No!" Buffy protested loudly. "No. Angel, please . . . please don't leave me again. Please?"
Angel smirked. "Buffy . . . the sun's going to rise in twenty minutes," he told her.
Buffy glanced towards her clock again, then looked down sheepishly. "Oh . . . okay," she said softly. "But . . . can you come by tomorrow night? I . . . we need to talk."
"I know," he replied. "I know we do, and I will." He gently moved out of her embrace and touched her cheek, wiping away her tears. "I just thought I should stop by, let you know that I'm back."
"You . . . you thought right. God . . . I - I'm . . . "
"We'll talk about it tomorrow," Angel said gently.
Buffy nodded and sniffed. "Okay," she answered weakly, swallowing. Buffy reached one hand out and grasped his before he could leave. "You have to know how sorry I am," she whispered.
"Tomorrow," Angel said again, pulling his hand away to leave. Buffy watched him go, her hand still reaching out to him even though he was no longer there. She sank down to the floor, staring out the window he'd exited from and closed her eyes, feeling too many emotions run through her at once. Anger. Love. Frustration. Sorrow. And the strongest of them all, guilt.
"Please forgive me," she said softly as she watched the slowly rising sun.
*****
"You needed to talk to me," Buffy said to her watcher, walking into the library the next morning with dark circles under her eyes.
Giles nodded. "Yes. I fear we may have a slight problem," he explained, motioning for her to sit down. Buffy did so obediently, and Giles' eyes narrowed. If anything she looked even more depressed than she had yesterday. "Did Angel stop by?" he asked her.
Buffy's eyes widened. "Yeah . . . he did," she said. "How did you know about that?"
Giles decided not to tell her that Angel had come to the library to warn him of the chosen vampire, and that Giles himself had asked Angel to go see her. Angel had been less than enthusiastic, and Giles could hardly say he blamed him. The truth was Giles himself was less than pleased with his slayer's actions. "Never mind," he said finally, shaking his head. He'd assumed that a visit from Angel would go a long way in snapping Buffy out of her well-deserved depression; apparently he'd been wrong.
"Oh - kay," Buffy said, sounding slightly curious but not curious enough to ask any questions. "So what's this huge problem?"
"The time of the Chosen has come," Giles replied, turning to her. "According to ancient texts a time will come when a vampire, chosen two centuries before the Slayer's birth, will be infused with special strengths and skills. This vampire will then attack every hundredth slayer."
"There've only been a hundred slayers?" Buffy asked, sounding confused.
Giles shook his head. "No, I'm sorry, I'm not being clear. From the first slayer to now, every hundredth slayer must face the Chosen. The Chosen is . . . well, chosen . . . two centuries or so before the Slayer's birth. More often than not the Chosen is a woman, but it has been a male on two occasions in the past."
"And I'm taking it I'm the lucky number hundred who gets to win the grand prize of having her own special 'Chosen One'?"
"Yes," Giles answered shortly.
"Okay . . . so there's this weird vamp who has all these special skills and is supposed to kill me?" Buffy summarized.
"Essentially, yes," Giles answered. "But there's more to it than that."
"Well . . . let's hear it," Buffy said, leaning back in her chair.
"All right. The legend also states that the Chosen will attack at a time when the Slayer is at her weakest. The Chosen generally sends another vampire before her . . . or him . . . to measure the Slayer's skills."
"But . . . wait a sec." Buffy suddenly sat up, her eyes widening in realization. "This Chosen chick . . . she sends another before her to test the skills? As in my skills?"
"Yes," Giles replied, looking at her intently and waiting for her to finish her train of thought.
"What does the other vamp do if he wins the fight?"
Giles blinked and thought for a moment before answering her. "If the other vampire wins the fight he returns to the Chosen and tells her. He cannot, however, kill the Slayer, because he serves the Chosen and if the Chosen does not fulfill her . . . or his . . . duties, then the Chosen must sacrifice their own life as penance."
"So basically this chosen of the Chosen dude goes and attacks the Slayer, and even if he wins the fight he doesn't kill her?"
"Yes," Giles replied.
"That . . . that vamp. The one that I was fighting a few months ago . . . remember? When Angel was still on avoidance mode? You said you found me in the park, but Angel was the one who really found me . . . in the back alley of the Bronze. Ringing any bells here? The vamp knocked me unconscious, Angel brought me here, right?"
Giles nodded. "Yes," he replied. "Yes, that could very well have been the Chosen vampire's messenger, so to speak. Damn it! I thought we had more time than this." He immediately turned towards the stacks, prepared to do more research.
"Wait up a sec!" Buffy said, chasing after him. He stopped and turned around. "What's the big deal, Giles?" she asked. "I mean . . . so this vamp has some special skills, ya know, big diff. What's with the panic mode?"
Giles sighed, not wanting to tell her the truth. He knew Buffy had a tendency to react badly to news of this type. "It's nothing, Buffy."
Buffy's eyes narrowed. "Giles," she said warningly, "I'm the Slayer. You don't get to keep things from me. I thought we'd established this during Angel's bad phase. I need to know what's going on."
Giles nodded solemnly, Buffy did have a point. "Alright," he conceded. "None of the Chosen have ever sacrificed their own lives in penance for not killing the Slayer."
Buffy blinked and looked at him with a confused expression before realization finally dawned. "You're saying no slayer has ever defeated one of them?" she questioned, sounding worried.
Giles bit his lip and hoped that Buffy would take this better than she had the Order of Taraka and the prophecy that told of her death at the Master's hands. "Yes," he replied softly, watching her face for any signs of panic.
To his immense surprise, however, Buffy shrugged. "Then I guess I'll be the first," she said, offering a half smile. "Tell me when you find something," she added as she turned to leave. Giles watched her go and shook his head bemusedly . . . if there was one thing Buffy was not it was predictable. With a sigh he turned back towards his research.
*****
"Hey, Buffy," Willow said when her friend walked into math class. Buffy walked towards her seat in the back next to her friend and smiled at her wanly.
"Hi, Willow," Buffy replied.
Willow sighed, knowing exactly where this was heading. "Still haven't talked to Angel?" she questioned.
Buffy shook her head. "Nope, actually I talked to him last night."
"You did?" Willow asked, frowning. This hadn't been what she'd been expecting, Willow had become used to Buffy's complaints about not seeing Angel, and being worried about Angel, and missing Angel, and feeling guilty for betraying Angel, she hadn't expected Buffy to be upset about actually seeing Angel.
Buffy nodded. "Yup. He says he totally forgives me."
"Okay . . . am I missing something?"
"No," Buffy answered, sighing. "I just . . . I don't think he really does. He was more than just a little distant. And meanwhile I get to deal with some chosen vampire. Not a good day."
"Chosen vampire?" Willow prodded.
"Yup. Apparently I'm the lucky hundredth slayer, so I get my own special assassin," Buffy said, echoing her words from the library. "And, to make things even better, no slayer has ever defeated one of these people. Just what I need to start my day on the right foot."
"Are you worried?" she asked. "About this chosen vampire, I mean?"
Buffy shook her head. "Nope, I'm not, actually," she replied. "If this chosen chick goes and kills me, well . . . oh, well. And if she doesn't, then I'll be the first to beat one of them. So it's kinda a win-win either way."
Willow's eyes widened and she sat up straighter in her chair; turning fully to look at her friend. "Buffy!" she admonished. "Don't even talk like that!"
Buffy looked at her friend and started to reply, but the teacher walked in and clapped his hands for silence. Shrugging, Buffy turned her attention to her teacher, not noticing that Willow's eyes remained on her; shadowed with concern.
*****
"You have no idea who the Chosen One is?" Giles asked, balancing the telephone precariously against his ear while holding a book in one hand, a cup of tea in the other.
"No," Angel replied. "Whoever she is, she's gonna be strong though."
"She? Are you certain the Chosen is female this time?"
Angel nodded then realized Giles couldn't see him and sighed. "Yes," he confirmed. "I overheard some vamps talking about it . . . she's definitely a she, and she's definitely on her way into town."
"Why now?" Giles wondered. "Just because Buffy lost one fight she's considered to be at her weakest?"
"No," Angel said. "No, that's not all of it. The Chosen One has many special skills, one of which is being able to sense the Slayer. My guess would be emotionally Buffy's at her weakest right now."
Giles' eyes widened with the realization; obviously Buffy's state of mind concerning recent events was what was making her weak. "She can sense that?" Giles asked. "She can sense her emotional state?" He tried to keep the note of curiosity and fascination out of his voice but didn't succeed, as he realized when he heard Angel chuckle slightly.
"Yes," he replied, still sounding amused. "She's also able to pick up telepathically on whatever fighting technique's Buffy may use against her, that's what makes the Chosen so hard to defeat."
"Have you ever known any?" Giles queried. "Any of the Chosen, I mean?"
"No," he answered. "There's only been one in my lifetime. Besides I was never one to involve myself much with the Slayer before I ran into the Romani. Afterwards I wasn't exactly involved in vampire politics."
Giles sighed and wished Angel would be more involved with vampire activities, an idea came into mind of Angel going undercover and pretending he had lost his soul again to pick up more information and it was his turn to chuckle slightly. Having a good vampire at the Slayer's disposal had been quite an interesting turn of events, but somehow Giles doubted Angel would be a fan of his idea. "Do you know anything more?" he asked, pushing his strange thoughts out of his mind.
"I'm sorry I don't," Angel replied. "If I find anything else out though I'll call."
"Thank you," Giles said. "Goodnight," he added, remembering that it was bedtime for Angel.
Angel smirked slightly. "Bye," he answered, hanging up the phone.
"So, find out anything?" Buffy's voice from behind him made Giles jump, and his cup of tea, book, and the telephone went flying from his hand.
"Oh . . . Buffy . . . " he breathed, looking around at the mess he'd just made. "Um, no, nothing of great importance . . . yet . . . unfortunately."
Buffy smiled slightly and bent down to pick up the shards of the broken tea cup with one hand, the telephone and book with the other. Handing the phone and book to Giles, she threw the remains of the cup out into the trash-pail. "Well . . . " she started, then trailed off and cleared her throat. "When you do . . . ?" she continued, obviously unsure of what to say.
"Buffy," Giles said, stopping her before she could leave. "You have to forgive yourself for what happened. You made a mistake, yes, but it won't be the worst one you ever make."
Buffy laughed slightly. "You said that once before, remember?" she reminded him. "It's having about the same effect."
Giles sighed. "Yes, I know I did," he answered. "But this time it's a matter of your life, not just your friendships. The Chosen One can sense your feelings . . . that's how she knows you are at your weakest right now. You need to let go of what happened, or you won't have a chance of defeating her."
"That's easier said than done," Buffy observed, perching on the edge of the desk as Giles walked out of his office to continue their conversation.
"I know that," Giles replied. "And - I'm sorry," he added. "My attitude about this whole thing has been unfair and unjust."
Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Giles, your attitude has been pretty much accurate. I screwed up . . . majorly. You said it yourself, I had no right to make that decision, it wasn't mine to make. I was selfish, unprofessional, certainly unloyal and uncaring . . . "
"Buffy, stop it!" Giles reprimanded. "It's in the past now. All you can do is try and change the present."
"You don't understand," Buffy said softly. "I mean, Angel and I have never exactly had the perfect relationship made of flowers and romance, certainly, but . . . there's always been love, unselfish love, on both sides. I changed that. I - "
"Buffy, listen to me," Giles said seriously. "If you don't forgive yourself you will die. Yes, you made a mistake. And yes, it may take some time before things between you and Angel are back to the way they were. They may never get back to the way they were. But no matter what you have to be able to accept what you did and move past it. It's the only way you two have a chance of making any progress."
"If only it was that simple," Buffy muttered. "I'm sorry, Giles. I'll try. But I can't dictate how I feel . . . I can't make myself forgive myself. It's not . . . I just can't."
Giles nodded. "Try," he pleaded with her. "You, Buffy, are quite possibly the best Slayer there has ever been. The world can't afford to lose you. Not yet."
Buffy's eyes filled with tears that she fought to blink back desperately as her lower lip began to quiver. She nodded once, then turned and ran from the library, and bumped straight into Cordelia.
"Buffy?" Cordelia asked, raising an eyebrow. "Are you okay?"
Buffy winced, realizing she must really look bad if Cordelia was actually concerned. "I'm fine," she replied weakly.
"Are you sure?"
"Mhmm," she muttered, not noticing the single tear that trekked down her face. Cordelia did notice, however, and immediately grabbed Buffy's arm and dragged her into the girl's bathroom, away from the curious eyes of onlookers.
"Buffy, get a hold of yourself!" Cordelia ordered.
Buffy sniffed and looked up at her, trem do. That wouldn't be fair, to use his own guilt against him so he forgives me . . . I mean . . . "
"Hey," Cordelia said with another small shrug, "all's fair in love and war. Don't forget that." With that Cordelia turned and left Buffy alone in the girl's bathroom.
Buffy giggled slightly as she thought over what Cordelia had said. While it certainly wasn't advice she was going to pay serious attention to it had managed to cheer her up a little. Shaking her head she grabbed a tissue, wiped at her eyes and nose to make sure her crying fit didn't show, then proceeded to her next class.