Rating: PG -suitable for pretty much everyone.
Spoilers: any and all Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episodes. Written before the author saw "The Convert".
Copyright: any characters/events relating to X:WP and/or H:TLJ are strictly the property of Ren Pics/USA Studios. I intend no copyright infringement, just a little use and abuse of them >:)
I did it.
It finally happened. It wasn't anything like I thought it would be. I didn't feel any sense of relieve, or joy. Only nothing.
It happened so fast, I didn't really know what to do. The situation came and I just reacted. Maybe I've been around Xena too long. I don't know if I like that about myself. Maybe just reacting takes away from enjoying a moment. But this moment, well, it's something that I don't know if I want again.
It hurts too much.
The more I think about, the more I realise just what I've done. Why did I do it? Bravado? To show to Gabby that I'm not just a silly warrior wannabe, but someone who can act, feel and do all the things that make us human? No. I did it because I had to. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe it.
Gods! When did things become so complicated? All I ever wanted to do was follow in my father's footsteps, make him proud of me. To show to him that I am Joxer the Mighty, that I can handle anything thrown my way.
Then I met Xena and Gabby. Their devotion to one another and the causes they fight for struck me as so strong, so right. I knew I had to do the same. I knew I had to learn from them everything I possibly could. Sometimes, they let me tag along. Other times, I thought it best to stay away. So many things have happened to them this past year, things I knew I couldn't be a part of. And in some respects, I'm glad. I don't think I could have handled all the things they saw and experienced in India. And that woman, Alti. I can't even begin to describe how she makes me feel. She had no right to hurt Gabby like that! None! If I had been there, I'd have...
Let's be real, Joxer. If I'd been there, I would have been killed. Or at least have been in the way, like I usually am.
But I wasn't in the way today.
Xena keeps telling me that time heals all wounds. I'd like to believe her, I really would. But I don't think time will help me at all. The wound will still be there. And I'm glad. I want to feel the pain everytime I think about it. I want to feel my gut wrench, my head pound. At least then I know I'm alive. That what I did didn't make me numb.
I keep shaking my head, wondering what I could have done differently, if there was something that I could have changed to avoid everything from happening. Xena says there wasn't, but I'm not so sure. She tells me that so many things are involved in making a situation come together and playing out a certain way. I don't understand half of what she's talking about, but if there's so many factors, then can't I change one of them and force the situation to be different?
Ah well, there's no point in wishing it didn't happen. Nothing will change that. But I feel changed. I feel so much more...I don't know what the word is. Gabby would know. She knows the meanings of words and which ones are good to use in certain places. But Gabby's not here. She's off doing her yoga, or whatever it's called. I watch her sometimes, early in the morning, putting her body into these weird poses and stands. I used to laugh at her, thinking how silly they looked, but now, I don't laugh. I want to try it. She always comes back feeling so good and refreshed, like nothing in the world can hurt her or put her down in any way.
I wish I could feel that again.
But I still don't ask her.
I can't even talk to her anymore. I remember talking with her about all kinds of things and she'd just sigh or nod her head, not really listening to me. I knew what she thought of me then. Joxer the idiot. Joxer the moron. Joxer the bumbler. I'll bet she thought of a lot of worse things, too.
I don't know what she thinks of me now. I mean, what could she think? I did something she never expected me to do and didn't think I was capable of doing. Course, I didn't think I could do it either, if truth be told. Amazing what a person can do when he's put in a certain situation.
Xena's been watching me for a while now. I can't tell you how long because I don't know how long it's been. A day, a moon, half a year? I couldn't tell you when it happened. Every day just blends into the next. But Xena keeps watching. She asks me sometimes if I'm doing okay and I just nod and say "yeah", but I think she knows that I'm lying. Those blue eyes bore into me and I can feel her probing. I know she wants me to tell her the truth, that I'm not okay, but I can't. I can't tell anyone what I'm feeling. What happened was just so painful. I think about it all the time, but I can't say anything. The words get stuck, like they don't want to come out and show themselves to the world. They don't want the rest of the world to know what I did.
I see Gabby coming back from her yoga and she's smiling. Gods, she is beautiful! And she's carrying some daisies, white ones I think. I want to smile back, I really do, but I can't even look at her. I feel like I've horribly offended her. She set the flowers down and mentioned something about going to the river to wash up before we head out. She asks me if I've had breakfast and I shake my head slightly. I can see her smile fade, but she goes on. She knows there's no point in telling me to eat more. She tried so many times, so has Xena, but I just don't feel like eating. I don't feel like doing much at all.
Xena and Gabby are ready to go. Argo is packed up. They decided that they were going to visit Hercules. They hadn't seen him since they heard about Iolaus. I don't know if I want to go along with them. Being around more heroes isn't something I really want to do.
"Come on, Joxer. Grab your gear," Xena tells me as she mounts her mare. "We want to get there before sundown." She looks over at Gabrielle. "We could have been half way there by now if someone hadn't spent so much time 'posing'." She smiles.
Gabby smiles back. They play with eachother every now and then. "Yeah, well, if someone hadn't kept me awake all night with her sword sharpening and snoring, then I would have had more sleep so I wouldn't need to spend more time waking my body up."
Xena snorts and kicks Argo into a walk. Gabrielle follows, then stops, turning, looks right at me. "Are you coming, Joxer?"
Am I coming? I don't answer right away. I just look at her shoes. I think about how much of her has changed, even her boots. She didn't have the mid-calf leather boots anymore. She wore some kind of sandle now. I didn't think it seemed very appropriate for walking a lot in, but I said nothing.
"Well?" She shifts her weight to her other foot. I know she's impatient with me. I would be too. She begins to walk back to me. "Come on, Joxer." She holds her hand out to me and for the first time, I look at her face. I look into her eyes and don't see frustration, or anger, or disappointment. I only see green eyes. Green eyes that are welcoming me to travel along with her. I swallow hard, my heart pounding. I look at her boots again, then into her eyes. They still want me to follow. I rise from the log I was sitting on, pick up my bag and sling it over my shoulder. I can't take her hand. No, that would be too much right now. But I begin to walk. I begin to follow Xena and Gabby down the path.
I jump when Gabby puts her arm around mine. She doesn't say anything to me, just keeps walking. "You know, Xena, this would be a lot faster if I had my own horse." She grins.
I feel a bump at my side and remember that my scabbard and sword are hung at my waist. I swallow again, remembering. I look down at it and rub my hand along the scabbard, feeling the heavy leather. I still haven't touched the sword. I can't.
I can't touch the thing that killed a man.
The End
Disclaimer: the writer's own psyche was not damaged in the production of this fan fiction. However, Joxer still requires intense therapy which, the author believes, can only come from a particular blond bard (who shall remain nameless).
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