I'm Looking Through You . . .

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“I'm looking through you, where did you go,
I thought I knew you, what did I know,
You don't look different, but you have changed,
I'm looking through you, you're not the same.”

This particular story is different from any one I’ve done before. Unlike my previous efforts, Radu is not the central character in this story. He still plays a large role, but this is the first time that I’ve made an effort to write a story focusing on another character - namely, Rosie. The story gets moving when Rosie makes an innocent wish that many of us have made at one time or another . . . that things could go back to the way they were. Of course, we often don’t take into account that things didn’t usually happen exactly the way we remember them . . .

Rosie Ianni hurried down the corridor that led to the girls’ bunkroom. Command post training had ended only a few minutes before, and the schedule allowed for some free time before the afternoon class session. Normally, Rosie would have spent her free time with one of her crewmates - but everyone had seemed to vanish as soon as the commander had dismissed them. Well, you won’t find anybody just standing around here, she’d told herself firmly. If you want to find the others, you’d better start looking, and the bunkroom is as good a place to start as any.

As she stepped into the bunkroom, Rosie accidentally caught the tail end of a sentence. “ - what I should do with the two of them,” Suzee was saying. She paused, looking at the empty space to her right as though she were waiting for someone to respond, and then abruptly spoke again. “What are you talking about? I’m not stealing anything! I mean, you don’t have your name tattooed across his forehead!”

Looking at Suzee’s exasperated expression, Rosie decided that she’d better make her presence known. Although she knew that the older girl would be irritated with her for overhearing even that much, she realized that it was probably better to speak before Rosie heard something else that Suzee wouldn’t want her to know. “Uh, Suzee?” she said hesitantly. “Who are you talking to?”

At the voice, the young Yensidian spun instantly to meet her bunkmate’s eyes. “Didn’t anyone teach you how to knock before you come into a room?” she said coldly.

“But I didn’t - ”

“I don’t want to hear it, Rosie!” the older girl said sharply. “Look, I’m having kind of a bad day, all right? Company is the last thing I need right now!” As though she had suddenly realized how testy her voice was growing, Suzee paused for a moment to collect herself. When she spoke again, her tone was somewhat calmer. “Why don’t you go see what the boys are doing or something?”

These words were accompanied by a firm hand pushing Rosie towards the door. Within a few seconds, she found herself back in the corridor, wondering how she’d managed to get herself thrown out of her own bunkroom.

While she was on her way toward the boys’ bunkroom, a voice began nagging at the back of her mind. I thought that Suzee had said she didn’t talk to Cat much anymore . . . The logical part of her brain reminded her that Suzee and Cat had a special way to communicate, a way that she could never share. But no matter how much she tried to convince herself of that fact, it still hurt that Suzee was able to talk to her friend whenever she wanted to. Rosie knew, deep in her heart, that there was a definite possibility she might never be able to talk to Cat again.

The young Mercurian forced these uncharacteristically gloomy thoughts to the back of her mind as she entered the boys’ room. The lights were out in the room, and its only visible inhabitant was Bova. He was sitting perched on his bed, his gaze rapidly moving from the bunkroom’s small viewscreen to the CompuPad he clutched in his hand.

“Hi, Bova,” Rosie said casually. “What’re you up to?”

“I can’t talk now!” he said with great intensity, never taking his eyes from the viewscreen. “If I don’t get this roadblock set up, the Zuffil will never make it to their home base because most of them will be crushed by a huge boulder that’s heading their way!”

“Oh, no! Can I help?”

“No - you’ll just be a distraction!”

Realizing that Bova was far too focused on his mission to be very good company, Rosie decided to make a quick exit. But even before she reached the exit, there was the sound of a muffled explosion, quickly followed by a murmur of discontent from her crewmate . . . his rescue attempt had apparently proven unsuccessful. The last sound Rosie heard before the bunkroom door sealed behind her was the jingling Zuffil theme song; Bova had started the simulation over again.

Maybe Radu’s doing something interesting, the small Mercurian considered. I think I heard him say that he was going down to the lounge . . . I guess I’ll go and see what’s happening down there. With that, she headed for the jumptubes.

As the tubes deposited her in the lounge, she found that she’d remembered her friend’s words correctly. Radu was, indeed, in the room, perched on one side of the circular couch. But Rosie’s heart sank as she saw that he was not alone. Although the game had stopped for a moment as its players heard the whoosh that signified Rosie’s impending arrival, it was obvious that Radu had been in the middle of a very intense game of Nine Globe Dudley. With Harlan.

When she first spotted the human sitting smugly on the other side of the game board, Rosie had to fight the urge to turn back to the jumptubes. Although she liked all her crewmates - her Mercurian temperament wouldn’t permit her to do otherwise - she had never felt as comfortable around Harlan as she did around the others. She knew that part of her problem was that she and Harlan had vastly different temperaments. They were probably the two crew members that had the least in common - and therefore, they were the ones that spent the least time together. You just don’t know him as well as you do the others, she told herself firmly. But no matter how hard she tried to convince herself otherwise, she knew that now she wouldn’t be able to talk to Radu the way she’d hoped to. Not with Harlan watching them.

Radu had felt a rock drop into his stomach when he’d first seen who the jumptubes had brought. Now he was trying to keep from staring blankly at his old friend while he groped for something, anything, to say to her. Her expression clearly said that she’d hoped to find him alone - but what could he do? It’d be awfully rude to walk out on Harlan in the middle of the game . . . he thought. And despite his desperate attempts to convince himself that he thought otherwise, he knew in the back of his mind that he was glad he wasn’t going to end up alone with Rosie . . .

The young Andromedan wasn’t really sure what had happened to the special friendship he and Rosie had shared. All he knew was that things between them hadn’t been the same since Harlan had begun to get over his problems with Andromedans. All of a sudden, once Radu had started to get closer to his bunkmate, he’d found that he was spending less and less time with Rosie.

Yes, Rosie had been his friend. His first friend. She’d been the only one who had dared to befriend him during those difficult days at Starcademy, ignoring the teasing and snide remarks that he knew had flown her way as well. And he knew, deep in his heart, that he could never do enough to thank her for everything she’d done for him. But ever since he’d become more friendly with the others, it seemed as though he and Rosie just didn’t connect the same way anymore. They had been spending less and less time together, until weeks sometimes went by without the two of them saying anything more to one another than “good morning.” And although he would never admit it to anyone, although just saying the words inside his own mind made him feel overwhelmed with guilt, the thought had occurred to him that maybe he just didn’t need Rosie anymore.

Looking at his friend’s face, he could see all too well that she needed to talk to him about something - and that she would sooner die than bring it up in front of Harlan. Try as he might, Radu couldn’t bring himself to get up and walk out of the room . . . but he couldn’t leave her standing in the corner, either. As he took a second look at Rosie’s nervous expression, he realized that the girl was afraid to even speak. She was worried that Harlan would be angry at her for interrupting the game. If Radu wanted to find out what was bothering her, he would need to initiate the conversation.

“H-hi, Rosie,” he stammered. “Uh, do you want to watch our tournament or something?”

“Sure.” She scrambled to sit beside him, as though afraid his invitation might be withdrawn.

Ignoring Harlan’s efforts to keep him focused on the game, Radu turned his full attention to Rosie. “So . . . what have you been doing lately?”

“Uhh . . . not much,” she said with a tentative smile. “Well, actually, I’ve been going around the ship trying to find someone to talk to, but everybody’s too busy doing their own stuff . . . ” Her voice trailed off as she noticed that Harlan had succeeded in bringing Radu’s attention back to the game.

“Radu?”

“Huh?” When he glanced at her, it was clear that he’d almost forgotten she was in the room.

There has to be a reason he’s so preoccupied, Rosie said to herself. He’s probably just really interested in the game. Maybe - maybe he’s winning! Harlan beats everybody at Nine Globe Dudley. If Radu was winning, that would certainly give him a reason to be distracted! “Um . . . if you want me to come back later, I will,” she said slowly.

“No, no, that’s okay,” Radu said distractedly. “Uh . . . sorry. Where were we?”

“It’s no big deal,” Rosie said cheerfully. “If you want me to leave, you can just say so.” She smiled again - a real Rosie smile this time, from ear to ear. “Hey, Radu? After you guys are done your game, do you think that maybe you and I could play a round or two?”

“Yeah, maybe . . . ” Radu’s voice had dropped to a murmur as he gazed at the game board. Suddenly, he turned to Harlan with the triumphant expression of one who’d just solved an amazingly complex puzzle. “Hey, what’s this?” he asked with a motion toward the board. “If you want to cheat, try not to make it so obvious - you should have just put a sign on the board that says, ‘I moved the globes.’ ”

“What are you talking about?” Harlan said in a voice dripping with false honesty. “I’ve got you beat by a mile without even touching the globes - why would I bother?”

Radu said something in response, but Rosie didn’t hear it - she was deep in thought. Forget it, a soft voice was telling her. This just isn’t a good time for him to talk.

But there’s never a good time, is there? a second voice broke in. Lately, he always has something better to do than talk to you.

Rosie had to restrain herself from glancing around to see if anyone else had overheard the comment. Although she would never have let the others know it, she did possess her own personal - very small - pessimistic streak. She usually forced any thoughts forming in that part of her mind back to the deepest hidden corners . . . but this time, she couldn’t help but think that her “Bova side” had brought up a very valid point.

Over the past few months, she had begun to notice a pattern developing in her relationship with Radu. It seemed as though he somehow managed to make a quick exit whenever she tried to catch him for a chat. Rosie had racked her brain trying to think of a cause for her friend’s actions, but after this latest rebuff, she was about ready to give up.

The boys were so involved in their argument over the position of the board pieces that neither of them even glanced up as Rosie walked out of the room. She had decided to go up to the classroom - the one place where she was almost guaranteed to be left alone. I’ll need to stop in my room on the way up, though, she thought. Since I can’t get anybody to listen, I’ll just have to talk to something that can’t ignore me.

Radu headed up toward his bunkroom, trying to restrain himself from acting too jubilant. It would be awfully rude to keep reminding his friend of the fact that he’d been beaten - fair and square. Harlan had taken his loss pretty hard, even though he’d convinced Radu to agree to a rematch. The young Andromedan could understand his feelings - he couldn’t remember anyone ever beating Harlan at Nine Globe Dudley before. Maybe his little game of switch-the-pieces had something to do with it, a voice in the back of Radu’s mind said. But he quickly silenced it as a faraway sound captured his attention.

The voice he heard was Rosie’s, all right, but it wasn’t that fact that had caused something deep in his subconscious mind to suddenly make him aware of her words. It was the way she was speaking that surprised him.

She’s crying, he realized in amazement. But - but she never cries! Almost involuntarily, he headed for the jumptubes. I have to go see what’s wrong.

He had already programmed the tubes and was preparing to jump in and head off to Rosie’s refuge when a thought suddenly occurred to him. There must be a reason why she’s off by herself, he realized. If I come rushing in, she’ll just run out. I’d better go up the long way.

While he walked up to the room that Rosie had chosen as her sanctuary - the classroom, of all places - Radu speculated about what could have sent her into such an agitated state. You know what the problem is, a voice in the back of his mind said suddenly. She was trying to talk to you, and you couldn’t even bother to pretend you were interested!

As he got closer to the classroom, he began to pick up some of what his friend was saying. Rosie was clearly talking to someone (although he couldn’t hear anyone else in the room). But it was only when he focused in on her words that what he heard threatened to overwhelm him with guilt.

“And - and ever since Radu’s started to get more friendly with Harlan, it seems as though I’ve ended up spending all my free time with Bova,” she said quietly. Suddenly, without warning, she began apologizing for what she’d just said - almost as though she knew there was an outsider listening in. “It’s not that Bova’s not a great guy. It’s just that - just that he and I are so different! We can’t ever agree on anything, and sometimes - ” She paused, and then continued in the faintest of whispers, as though she were about to say a terrible thing. “Sometimes he gets on my nerves.”

By this point, Radu was standing outside the door, hesitant to enter. You need to hear this, he told himself. This is probably what she wanted to talk to you about - and you just blew her off. The least you can do is listen now. Ignoring a nagging reminder in the back of his mind that there was a difference between listening and eavesdropping, he focused in on his friend’s voice once again.

“It’s just that - I miss the way it was when Radu and I were friends. I mean, Bova’s nice enough, but it’s too depressing to spend all my time with him. And if I’ve got something that’s bothering me, I can’t talk to him about it - he’d just make me feel worse!” On the verge of tears again, she paused to collect herself and then continued. “Suzee tries - sort of - but I’ve never really been as friendly with her as I was with Cat. And sometimes I get the feeling that she doesn’t like me very much . . . ” Once again, Radu heard her choke back a sob. “There’s nobody left for me to talk to about stuff - everybody’s got somebody except me. I mean, sometimes I wish we could just go back to the way things were!”

That’s it, Radu said to himself. I can’t listen to any more of this - I need to say something! Taking a deep breath, he stepped hesitantly into the room. “Rosie?”

At the voice, Rosie jumped up with a start, guiltily dropping her classroom journal onto the bleachers beside her. She had been concentrating so intensely on dictating her entry that she hadn’t even heard the door open - and when she saw Radu standing in the doorway, looking at her with concern, she ducked her head self-consciously. I should have known he would hear me, she realized. She suddenly heard the voice of her Starcademy roommate as clearly as if the other girl were standing right beside her. “Andromedans can hear paint dry, you know . . . ”

But isn’t that why you dictated your entry in the first place? she asked herself. You knew he was going to hear you. If you didn’t want to get him up here, why didn’t you just type the entry in?

As Radu looked at his friend’s face, he was hit with another pang of guilt. Rosie was watching him hopefully - she knew he’d overheard her tearful monologue, and her expression was one of anxious anticipation as she waited for him to speak. It was plain that she hoped he would, with a few simple words, repair everything that had gone awry in their relationship. What can I say? he wondered.

Suddenly, an idea struck him. “I’ll - I’ll tell you what,” he said, trying to sound casual and failing entirely. “How about you and I spend our free time together tomorrow? We can do anything you want.” A smile was threatening to appear on the small Mercurian’s face, but she still didn’t look entirely convinced. “I mean it!” Radu said firmly. “After command post training tomorrow, your wish is my command.”
“Okay, Harlan, three degrees starboard!” Radu called.

At her console, safely out of Commander Goddard’s line of vision, Suzee rolled her eyes - and as Rosie caught the motion, she had to admit that she felt like doing the same. She and Radu had been in the lounge, on the verge of beginning a game of Minbar Chess, when the commander had suddenly called the team to the command post for an extra training session. They needed to test some modifications Suzee had made to the engines. Everyone knew this was a necessary precaution, but after spending over an hour checking and rechecking the consoles - not to mention running through the steps of countless procedures - most of the crew was beginning to get a bit bored with the proceedings.

When they were finally dismissed, Rosie was about to suggest that she and Radu head down to the lounge to start their game - but another voice plowed right over her.

“Hey, Radu!” Harlan was saying with a grin. “Did you forget I challenged you to a rematch yesterday? Or are you just too chicken to play me again?”

“Too chicken?” Radu laughed. “In your dreams! Let’s go.” With that, the boys headed for the jumptubes - and before Rosie could say anything, they were gone.

Normally, she made what could be called a respectable effort to keep her less positive emotions under control. This ability was learned by Mercurian children when they were very small - it was a skill that was absolutely necessary if the Mercurians were to have any dealings with the other races of the UPP. Rosie knew all too well that a heat blast which would be only an annoyance back on the home planet could pose a real danger to one of her unsuspecting crewmates - this was the reason why she had been so careful to leave the lounge the day before when she’d felt herself beginning to get upset, and why she had been determined not to allow herself to get too emotional when she was dictating her journal entry.

This time, though, she didn’t even notice as her skin began to glow. Finally, she’d reached the state where the others, standing on the far side of the room, could easily feel the heat which was radiating from her. She didn’t seem to hear their voices urging her to calm down - it was only when the sprinklers came on, dousing her and snapping her out of her dangerously over-emotional state, that she realized she had been getting close to doing some serious damage. Ignoring Suzee’s inquiries as to what was wrong, she rushed out of the room, not really knowing - or caring - where she was going.

Far away, hidden deep within the hermitage he had built to keep himself safe from the horrors of the universe, the stranger’s subconscious mind picked up on feelings which were all too familiar. He’d been watching this girl for quite some time - ever since some part of his subconscious had first alerted him to her situation. He had always had a special gift for picking up on emotions, but this had been different. It was almost as though some part of him held a heightened sensitivity towards those who suffered the same things he had gone through in his own traumatic past. Finally, he would have the thing he had wished for since the terrible things had first happened to him. An opportunity to help another like himself - one who was abandoned by the person they held in highest regard . . .

That was not what you wished for, some unknown part of his brain whispered. You were driven by another motive. You have no intention of helping the girl at all. He forced the strange thoughts out of his mind and began to make his preparations. The first step would be to get aboard the ship . . .

Click here for Part 2 of I'm Looking Through You