CRITIC’S CHOICE
A Daria/The Critic Crossover
BY Patrick Moore
CMoore1703@aol.com 

Daria and friends are owned by MTV. Used without permission.
The Critic is owned by Columbia/Tri Star. Used without permission.

(Author’s Note: This story takes place a year after "The Critic" television
series was canceled. Jay plans to marry his friend and employee, Alice
Tompkins.)


ACT 1


Will You Marry Me, Alice Tompkins?

(The scene opens with Jay Sherman reviewing movies on his show, "Coming
Attractions.")

Jay- Our next film stars the return of Pee Wee Herman. In his latest
adventure, Pee Wee plays a cop who acts like a kid, while trying to find a
missing woman in "Little Big Cop."

(Clip from film.)

Pee Wee- Hold it right there, scumbag!

Thug- What are you going to do, hit me with a yo-yo?

Pee Wee- No, with my magic dots. (Pee Wee throws his dots at the bad guy,
only to make a cage.)

(Back to Coming Attractions.)

Jay- IT STINKS!

(Duke Phillips, Jay’s boss, comes on stage.)

Duke- Son, the entire summer movie season stink at this time of year. Its
time to make some changes to the show.

Jay- You can’t change the show. It’s like a home to me.

Duke- I own this studio, Sherman. Either you get the changes or your fired.

Jay- Duke, you can change the show, but you can’t replace me.

Duke- I’m not going to replace you, son. I’m moving the show on the road.

Jay- WHAT!

Duke- Our first stop is in the town of Lawndale. So pack up, tubby, we’re
moving out in two days.

Jay- Why Lawndale?

Duke- They’re going to have a film festival, and I plan to be there when it
starts.

Jay- What do I tell my family and friends?

Duke- You can bring them along.

Jay- Thank you, boss!. What’s the catch?

Duke- You’re not going to be gone that long, only to help me promote my new
series project, "Beverly Hillbillies: The Next Generation." This show is going
to take place where the movie left off.

Jay- But, I didn’t like the movie version, or any old TV show turned film.

Duke- Your going to like it or you can say goodbye to your show.

Jay- (sighs) All right, Duke, You win. I’ll get packed.

(A Scene changes to Jay’s parent’s mansion. Jay is in the dinning room with
his mother, father, sister, Alice and her daughter, Penny.)

Margot- Jay, Duke can’t do this to you. Everyone in New York loves your show.

Jay- Only when I do something stupid.

Eleanor- Son, maybe you can tell Mr. Phillips that you don’t want to leave.

Franklin- Look at me, I left my job and married your Mother.

Jay- If I don’t go with Duke, I get fired from the show.

Alice- Maybe you should go with Duke to Lawndale. I got cousin who’s a lawyer
over there. Maybe, Margot can come with us.

Margot- Can I go with Jay and Alice, Mom?

Eleanor- You can go, dear. But be back by the beginning of the school year.

Jay- Alice, can I talk to you in private?

(Jay and Alice go into the bathroom.)

Jay- I’ve been saving this for a whole year, but I think it’s the right time
to do it.

Alice- Have sex?

Jay- NO! I’m talking about marriage.

Alice- Jay Sherman, you little booger.

Jay- So, will you marry me, Alice Tompkins?

Alice- Yes, Jay, I will.

Jay- HATCHI MATCHI!

Alice- Jay, what’s wrong?

Jay- What am I going tell Marty and Ardith?

Alice- Tell them the truth, Sugar.

(Jay’s father comes in.)

Franklin- Sorry, I didn’t know that you two where still using it.


ACT 2

Jay Tells Ardith and Marty


(Scene changes to Ardith’s apartment, as Jay knocks on the door, and Marty
answers.)

Marty- Mom, its Dad.

Ardith- Well, if it isn’t the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man.

Jay- Hello, Ardith.

Ardith- What brings you here?

Jay- I want to tell you something that will shock you.

Ardith- You’re dying, and your giving us your parent’s mansion?

Jay- No! I’m going to marry Alice Tompkins, and I’m going on the road.

Marty- You and Alice are moving away, I’m going to miss you, Dad.

Jay- We’re not moving away, Marty. Duke wants me to put my show on the road,
so we can get ratings. Plus, he wants me to promote his new television series.

Marty- Dad, your going to a town that you never been before. Who do you know
that lives there?

Jay- Alice has a cousin who can help me over there.

Ardith- So you’re finally leaving me for another woman.

Jay- Your know Alice, she’s my employee who works with me. Anyway, you’re my
ex-wife. You think that I should marry Alice just because were friends?
Ardith, this would give me the chance to finally live out my ultimate dream.

Ardith- To be more fat, bald, and dumb as Homer Simpson?

Jay- (frowns) To have a family again.

Marty- That means that Penny is going to be my sister?

Jay- Yes, son, and Alice is going to be your stepmother.

Marty- When’s the wedding?

Jay- I don’t know yet. (Phone rings.) I’ll get it. (Duke is on the other
line.)

Duke- Jay, get your butt in gear to the airport. I’m sending you and Alice to
Lawndale early.

Jay- Why?

Duke- The cast of "Beverly Hillbillies: The Next Generation" ate you chili and
got stomach pains. We’ll be there in time of the film festival.

Jay- What about Alice and Margot?

Duke- I’ve called them already. So get a move on, son.

(Jay hangs up the phone and runs outside to see Alice and Margot in the car.)

Alice- I’ve called my cousin. She and her family will meet us at their
airport.

Jay- What will she look like?

Alice- One of her daughters looks the girl on "Beavis and Butt-Head."

Jay- Oh my God!


ACT 3

Jay Meets the Morgendorffers


(The plane lands at Lawndale Airport. Jay, Alice, and Margot look for Alice’s
cousin.)

Jay- Where are we going to find your cousin in all these people?

Alice- They said they meet us here.

Margot- Maybe those two girls will help us.

(They see two girls, one holding a sign saying the words JAY HERMAN.)

Jay- That’s SHERMAN!

Jane- Sorry, I thought you where Roger Ebert.

Daria- We don’t get your show here.

Alice- Daria Morgendorffer, you have grown.

Daria- Jane, this is my cousin, Alice Tompkins.

Jane- Yo!

Alice- Where’s Helen?

Daria- She didn’t know that you we’re coming this soon. So she told me to
pick you up. We’re going to be in Trent’s van.

Alice- Trent?

Jane- He’s my brother.

Jay- What does your brother do?

Jane- He’s in a band called Mystik Spiral.

Daria- We better go, Trent and Jesse are waiting for us.

(Everybody goes to Trent’s van, were Trent and Jesse are waiting.)

Trent- Jane, is this Daria’s cousin? He looks like a gay man.

Jay- I am not gay. What do you think I’m marring Alice for?

Daria- Trent, this is my cousin, Alice, her friend, Jay, and his sister,
Margot.

Alice- My daughter, Penny is with Jay’s parents in New York. She couldn’t
come, because Duke had enough to take three people. She’ll be here for the
wedding.

Jane- Daria, I think Mr. Sherman sounds like that guy on "Saturday Night
Live."

Daria- More like "Sick, Sad World."

(They drive off to the Morgendorffer house. When they get there, Helen and
Jake is outside working in the garden.)

Helen- Alice Tompkins is that you?

Alice- Helen Barksdale, you little minx. (Alice and Helen hug.)

Helen- How’s your job in the television biz?

Alice- It’s fine. Where’s Quinnie?

Jay- Quinnie?

Alice- That what I called Helen’s youngest daughter, Quinn.

Daria- When she was three years old.

Jake- You never told me about that.

Helen- Jake, this is girl talk. If you want in, ask me.

Jay- Daria, have you seen Margot?

Daria- I think she’s still in the van with Jane, Trent, and Jesse.

Jane- Whose with Jane and Jesse?

Daria- Jane, if you and Jesse are out here, who’s in the van?

(Daria and Jay open the van, only to see Trent playing his guitar to Margot.)

Jay- Margot, I thought you and Trent where having an affair.

Margot- You know that I’m to young to have sex, Jay.

Jay- You could have had AIDS.

Margot- (Frowns) Jay, I’m not a child anymore.

Helen- Lets all go inside and have dinner.

Jay- I’ll cook my Jay Sherman Super Nitro Chili.

Helen- What’s that?

Jay- You’ll see.


ACT 4

Jay Makes Dinner for the Morgendorffers


(Jay is in the kitchen with Helen and Alice making dinner.)

Alice- I don’t think you should let Jay make his chili for the family.

Helen- What’s wrong with it?

Alice- It has something that gives people stomach pains.

Jay- I heard that! That’s only when I put in my Sherman Sauce.

Alice and Helen- Sherman Sauce?

Jay- My Great Grandma was first to make the sauce. But I never found out what
the secret ingredient is.

(Daria come in the kitchen.)

Daria- Mom, is it ok I bring Mr. Sherman to school tomorrow?

Helen- What for, Honey?

Daria- Mr. O’Neill wants me to do a review of any movie I saw in the last ten
years. That’s why I think Mr. Sherman can help me get extra credit. Since Mr.
Sherman is a film critic and all, I think that he’ll be perfect for my report.

Jay- At last, I get to tell the next generation of film critics those movies
with Ernest in them all stink.

Daria- Dad ordered some pizzas.

Helen- Thank God!

Alice- Sorry you wasted all that chili for nothing, Jay.

Jay- I’m saving it for the film festival.

Helen- Film festival?

Daria- Lawndale is having a film festival on Saturday of next month.

Helen- I thought in was this month.

Daria- They changed it, because of flu season.

Helen- Daria, this is summertime.

Daria- I know. I think that Mr. Sherman is not only here to review movies.

Helen- Alice is going to marry Mr. Sherman.

(Quinn comes in.)

Quinn- Mother! You can’t let Alice marry that ogre. He’s going to ruin my
life.

Jay- I’m not an ogre!

Helen- Quinn, that is no way to talk to your future cousin like that.

Quinn- Sorry, Mr. Sherman.

Jay- Where did you hear that from?

Quinn- I was on this field trip to the planetarium, and saw this pattern of
stars make a picture of an ogre, and it looked like Mr. Sherman.

(Jay frowns.)

Helen- Jay, why don’t you get ready for bed.

Jay- I’m not a child, Helen.

Helen- Do you want to be wide-awake for school tomorrow, my little cream puff?

Jay- Yes, Mommy.

(Jake pops his head into the kitchen.)

Jake- You never called me that.

Helen- Jake, go to your room!

Jake- Yes, dear.


ACT 5

Jay Goes Back to School


(Daria and Quinn are on the corner waiting for the school bus, and waiting
for Jay.)

Quinn- Where is Mr. Sherman? We’re going to be late.

Daria- Mom is giving him his lunch.

Quinn- Do you think that Daddy is envy of Mr. Sherman?

Daria- If he was, he be out on the street.

(Daria and Quinn stare at a boy in a Buster Brown outfit, skipping on the
sidewalk, with Margot following behind.)

Quinn- Look at the weird kid next to us.

Daria- Jay is that you?

Jay- Your mother made me wear this.

Margot- I thought school was out in the summer?

Daria- We got two more weeks left, due to snow days. You better get rid of
that outfit, before everybody thinks that you’re an idiot in drag, Jay.

Jay- I’ll run and get my old outfit back at the house, and I’ll meet you at
the school in a half-an-hour.

Quinn- Do you know the way to our school?

Jay- I’ll let Helen or Jake take me there.

(Jay runs back to the house to get his normal clothes. When he gets there,
Helen is about to leave for work.)

Helen- Jay, what are you doing back here?

Jay- I need to change my clothes.

Helen- What happened to what your wearing?

Jay- The kids will think that I’m some idiot in kids clothing.

Helen- Go right ahead and change, and I’ll take you to school on my way to
work.

(Jay changes his clothes, and goes with Helen to school. The car stops in
front of the school.)

Jay- Thanks for the ride, Helen.

Helen- After school, why don’t I take you out for some ice cream, and rent
some videos?

Jay- That would be fine with me.

Helen- See you then. (Helen drives off.)

(Jay goes inside to find Daria. He finds her in Mr. DeMartino’s History
class.)

Daria- Jay, what are you doing here?

Jay- I said I be here in half-an-hour.

Mr. DeMartino- Daria, can you TELL me who your LITTLE friend is, without
DISTURBING the rest of the CLASS?

Daria- This is Jay Sherman; he’s a film critic from New York. He and my
cousin are here for the film festival.

Mr. DeMartino- So Mr. Sherman, YOU want to be in our LITTLE band of STUDENTS,
you got TO obey the RULES.

Jay- I already graduated from school.

Mr. DeMartino- If your so SMART, who invented the MOTION picture?

Jay- Any idiot knows its Thomas Edison.

Mr. DeMartino- Well you haven’t met Kevin and Brittany, Mr. HERMAN.

Jay- That’s Sherman with an S.

(Bell rings.)

Mr. DeMartino- Class is DISMISSED, except for Mr. Sherman and Ms.
MORGENDORFFER.

Daria- Mr. DeMartino, Jay is just here with me for an assignment for Mr.
O’Neill.

Mr. DeMartino- So, O’NEILL is behind this?

Daria- Yes, but he told me to do a review of a movie I saw.

Mr. DeMartino- Where does Mr. SHERMAN come in?

Daria- Extra credit.

Mr. DeMartino- BOTH of you can go. But, if Mr. Sherman disturbs my class
again, He’s going to DETENTION.

Jay- But I’m not a student.

Daria- Jay, we better leave. I don’t him to get any madder than he is now.

(Jay and Daria leave Mr. DeMartino’s room and into the hallway.)

Jay- That guy needs some stress free pills.

Daria- He’s always likes that.

Jay- What class are we going to now?

Daria- Mrs. Defoe’s Art class.

Jay- I love art films. They make sense of all these Jane Austin films in
theaters today.

(Jay and Daria go into Mrs. Defoe’s room.)

Mrs. Defoe- Daria, where have you been? Your five minutes late.

Daria- Mr. DeMartino wanted to talk to me.

Mrs. Defoe- Who’s your friend?

Jay- I’m Jay Sherman, film critic.

Mrs. Defoe- Daria, would you and Mr. Sherman take a seat, while I get class
started? (Jay and Daria sit down in their seats.) Class, were going to watch
a video on the Renaissance Artists, and you are going to take notes during
the film. Any questions?

Brittany- Will we be graded for taking notes on the movie?

Mrs. Defoe- Yes, Brittany.

Jay- Can I review this film?

Mrs. Defoe- No, Mr. Sherman.

Jay- I’m a film critic; I’m surpose to review the movie.

Daria- Jay, shut up. You’re going to get us in trouble, again.

Mrs. Defoe- Yes, Mr. Sherman, please be quiet.

Jay- Fine, but this film better not have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in
it.

Mrs. Defoe- (Frowns) This movie is educational, not some Saturday morning
cartoon garbage you see on TV today.

Jane- Can we get the film started?

Mrs. Defoe- Thank you, Jane. We will start the film.

(Mrs. Defoe starts the VCR and the tape plays. The movie starts as Duke
Phillips walks on screen.)

Duke- Hello Art lovers! I’m Duke Phillips, and I’m going to take you on a
tour of the Renaissance.

Mrs. Defoe- (Frowns) This movie is surpose to be hosted by Peter Graves, not
this idiot.

Daria- He looks like a young Ted Turner.

Duke- Well, thank you!

Jay- Don’t say anything to the TV. He can be anywhere than the videotape.

Duke- I know you’re out there, Sherman.

Mrs. Defoe- Who are you, and why are you interrupting a movie that was made
in 1985?

Duke- Listen, lady! I produced this movie and I can do anything I want to it.

Mrs. Defoe- If you were here, I would kick your butt all the way to Texas.

Duke- Well, I’m not there. And speaking of that subject, Jay, I’m coming over
there tomorrow.

Jay- The cast of your show got better?

Duke- No, I just want to come over, so I can see how you and Alice are going.

Jay- Are you going to meet us at the house or the airport?

Duke- Have Alice meet me at the airport.

Jay- What about me?

Duke- Your going to find a place where can start shooting your show. I just
thought of what we need on the show.

Jay- Better movies?

Duke- Teen critics.

Mrs. Defoe- You can’t just come in and waste student education by talking
like gay men.

Jay and Duke- We’re not gay!

Daria- Mrs. Defoe, it would be a great idea of some of us to review movies.
Just think, we can say what we think of the entertainment that we watch
everyday. The television world has changed, since our parents were our age.
Maybe we can they the public what we think of the movies and television shows
the writers think of every time a project flops to the ground.

Duke- That’s the spirit, Dairy.

Daria- That’s Daria!

Duke- Whatever.

Mrs. Defoe- (Sighs) You win, Mr. Phillips. But you must let Principal Li know
that you’re doing this.

Duke- Deal. Now I return you to your regular programming. (Duke fades out and
the film resume only to come to an end.)

Mrs. Defoe- Well class, we’ll start the movie again on Monday. (Bell rings)
Class dismissed.

Jay- Thanks Daria for saving my job.

Daria- What are cousins for? Maybe, I can finally get an Emmy nomination.

Jay’s Stomach- Maybe, I can get more lines in this story.

(As Jay and Daria walk out in the hallway, Mrs. Defoe is thinking of something
from her past.)

Mrs. Defoe- I know who you really are, Duke Phillips. But why haven’t you
noticed me now.

THE END FOR NOW

To Be Continued in "DARIA THE CRITIC"
(Author’s Note 2: This is the first installment of a three to four book
storyline. We’ll be seeing some major changes to the "Daria" and "The Critic"
cast in the series. For example: What is it between Duke Phillips and Claire
Defoe? What does Alice do around the Morgendorffer’s house? Is Jake envy of
Jay for taking Helen? And will someone or more die at the wedding? All will
be answered in the rest of the Daria/Critic crossover in to coming months.)

DARIA/THE CRITIC CROSSOVER BOOK SERIES STORYLINE
Book 1-"CRITIC’S CHOICE"
Book 2-"DARIA THE CRITIC"
Book 3- "ESCAPE FROM LAWNDALE"
Book 4- "JAY’S TRAGIC WEDDING"
Book 5? - "AFTERMATH" (There might not be a Book 5 if fans tell me what
character(s) they want to see dead or injured. Please E-MAIL me at
CMoore1703@aol.com.)