"Fast Times at Lawndale High"
by Danny Bronstein
trotsky@loop.com

Plot description: Get to know Trent, Jane, Mr. O'Neill, Mr. DiMartino,
Tommy Sherman and others back in 1995, before Daria moved to Lawndale.
Classification: Jane or Trent


SETTING: Lawndale, 1995
(2 years before Daria moved in)
Trent is a senior, Jane is in the 8th grade.

PART 1

Scene 1: Lawndale High, January 15, 1995. The Tank parks in the student
parking lot. Jesse is the first to get out. Shelly Van Horn, Trent’s
girlfriend, follows. She stands about 5’5, short ruffled brown hair, 3
earrings in each ear, white shirt, red flannel shirt tied around her waist,
gray courduroy pants, combat boots.

Jesse: Yeah, man, only one semester left! WOOO!

Shelly: Who’s your English teacher this year? I got this new guy, O’Neill.

Jesse: Yeah, me too. Hope he’s not like the last guy.

Shelly: Mr. Franklin? Yeah, that guy was a tough grader. I wonder what
happened to him.

Jesse: He died, remember? The guy was, like, 90.

Shelly: You know what the weird thing was? I hear he never forgot a name.
Like, he went to the Class of 54 reunion, and still remembered who everyone
was.

Jesse: Weird.

Shelly: So what’s up with Trent?

Jesse: I don’t know. I think he’s asleep again. Hey Trent! Wake up! It’s
time for school!

(no response.)

Shelly: Trent!

Jesse: Hey Trent!

Shelly: Trent! The van’s on fire!

(Trent leaps up, stumbles out of the van and lands on his face. Trent’s
hair is noticeably longer and kind of falls over his eyes. Also he has kind
of a more developed goatee.)

Shelly: (giggling) Are you all right, Trent?

Trent: Dammit, don’t do that! The way Max maintains this van, I wouldn’t be
surprised if it wasn’t a false alarm.

Shelly: Sorry.

Jesse: Trent! Look out!

Trent: Oh, nice try, JesseYIKES!

(Trent rolls over and narrowly misses getting run over by Tommy Sherman’s
convertible which races into the adjacent spot and stops abruptly.)

Tommy: Why don’t you watch where you’re going, loser? Wouldn’t want to
spend the weekend scraping your brains off my bumper.

(Out of the car step Tommy, Tommy’s girlfriend Libby, a big-breasted blonde
in a cheerleading outfit who just chews gum and stares into space; and
Bobby Sherman, Tommy’s brother, a freshman who is kind of short, wears a
plain white shirt and baggy jean shorts, Airwalk sneakers, and has green
spiky hair.)

Tommy: Let’s go, babe.

(slaps Libby’s ass, she goes "Ooh!" and giggles. They walk away.)

Shelly: Why doesn’t he just get himself a blow-up doll? He’d at least be
able to have an intellectual conversation with one of those.

Bobby: Hey, Trent. Where’s Nick and Max*?

(*Trent’s band’s bassist and drummer.)

Trent: I don’t know. We were supposed to meet them. I guess they must have
gotten another ride or something.

Bobby: Don’t worry about my brother, dude. I know he talks all bad but he’s
just... well, you know.

Jesse: A colossal jerk?

Bobby: Yeah. So listen, Trent, you still up for going to Green Day on
Thursday?

Trent: Sure thing. You got the tickets?

Bobby: Right here.

Trent: Then I got the ride, dude.



Scene 2: In the hallway of Milton Junior High. Jane goes to her locker. Her
attire is similar to that of Angela on My So-Called Life, and her hair is
dark brown and reaches her shoulders. She opens her locker, it’s empty and
has JANE IS A DORK spray-painted on the wall.

Jane: Not again.

(Jane goes to the nearest garbage can, digs out her books.)

Jane: Good thing they’re all too stupid to realize they’re following a
pattern.


Scene 3: In Mr. DiMartino’s class.

DiMartino: Good MORNING, class. I’m Mr. DiMartino, welcome to U.S. History
12B. In my class, there are a few RULES that we must all obey. First of
all, NO EATING. It makes a mess, and this class has a serious ANT PROBLEM.
Lord knows I’ve TRIED to talk to the principal about getting an
exterminator, but nooooo, she says it’s too EXPENSIVE! Of course, if she
cut down on all the unnecessary SECURITY installations she could save
money, but she’ll never even consider that, will she? Number two, I really
hope that you’re all well rested, because I will NOT TOLERATE SLEEPING! And
number three, and the most important rule, DON’T BE LATE!!! Are there any
questions?

(Trent walks in, eating a candy bar.)

Trent: Sorry I’m late, Mr. DiMartino. Major traffic at the snack machine.

DiMartino: Ah, Trent Lane, my perennial SLOTH. Please throw that candy bar
in the trash and have a seat.

Trent: What? I had to be late to class to get this candy bar!

DiMartino: Do NOT make me have to write you a referral, Mr. Lane.

Trent: (mutters) Fucking dickhead.

DiMartino: WHAT??

Trent: Nothing. (throws away candy bar)

DiMartino: Have a seat, Mr. Lane. (Trent sits down. Mr. DiMartino goes to
chalkboard.) Class, we will begin our lesson on the country’s major wars,
which I feel is an important subject because-- (hears snoring, turns around
to see Trent already asleep. Class laughs.)

(Cut to shot of school from a block away as you hear Mr. DiMartino’s voice
loud and clear: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!)



Scene 5: Jane’s math class. The teacher, Ms. Eisler, writes a problem on
the board.

Eisler: OK, can anybody tell me how to do this? Let’s see... Jane?

(Jane is drawing and doesn’t respond.)

Eisler: Jane... Jane, what are you doing?

Jane: Huh?

Eisler: Darn it, Jane, were you even paying attention? You were drawing
again, weren’t you? (walks over to her desk and picks up her drawing) What
is it with you and drawing? What, you plan to be one of those... beatnik
artists who make endless sketches nobody ever buys and live in extreme
poverty because you can’t cut it in a real job? Quit daydreaming, young
lady! What have you been drawing, anyway? (looks at picture) Oh, how cute.
It’s a picture of me getting impaled by triangles.

Jane: Geometric triangles.

Eisler: That’s it, young lady. I want you to write "I will pay attention in
class" 500 times right now.

Jane: Standards? Isn’t that a tad... pointless? Plus, won’t it distract me
from the lesson just as much as drawing?

Eisler: Don’t get smart with me, young lady. You’re just one step away from
a trip to the principal.

(Jane sighs and gets to work on the standards. The popular girls sneer at
her condescendingly.)



Scene 6: In Mr. O’Neill’s class.

O’Neill: (nervously) Good... morning, students.

Student: Morning? It’s two o’clock! (class laughs)

O’Neill: Heh, heh, yes, of course. Uh, I’m Mr. O’Neill, and this is my
first semester here at Lawndale High, so I’m seeing lots of new faces. Of
course, it will take some time before I remember your names, so it would
help if you treat the seats you’re sitting in now as your assigned seats.
Now, let’s take attendance. (takes out attendance sheet) Akbar? Jeffrey
Akbar? (nobody says anything) Absent. Anderson? Jenna Anderson? (silence)
Baker? Kyle Baker? (silence)

Student: Are you sure you have the right period? (class laughs. Mr. O’Neill
looks at his attendance sheet and, indeed, he has the wrong one.)

O’Neill: Heh, you know what? We can take attendance later. Let’s get
started with the lesson. (looks frantically around his desk.) Gosh, I...
seem to have misplaced my notes... (nervously) Excuse me. I’ll be right
back. (runs out of the class.)

Trent: (to Jesse and Shelly) Whoa. This guy’s a pushover. (hi-fives Jesse)



Scene 7: Jane finishes her standards and hands them to Ms. Eisler. It’s 3:00.

Jane: All done. Here you go.

Eisler: (looks over them) Very good, Jane. Now observe as I rip them apart
in front of your eyes. (rips papers up and throws them away) Now, do you
think you can be more attentive in class, Jane?

Jane: (through clenched teeth) No problem, Ms. Eisler.

Eisler: Very good, then. You are dismissed.

Jane walks down the hallway. She passes a group of popular girls.

Girl 1: Hey look, it’s that freaky girl with no friends.

Girl 2: Hey loser, what’cha doin’ Saturday night?

Girl 3: She’s probably gonna stay home all alone with her (mockingly) artwork!

(girls laugh. Jane ignores them. She leaves the school and the Tank’s
waiting for her outside. She gets in. Trent, Jesse and Shelly are inside.)

Trent: Hey, Janey.

Jane: Hey, Trent. Hey, Shelly. (flirtatiously) Hi Jesse.

Jesse: Hey.

Jane: How was school?

Trent: Eh.

Shelly: OK.

Jesse: Whatever.

(As the van drives home, a guy with long hair and a leather jacket in a hot
convertible speeds by. Jane watches him with interest.



Scene 8: At the Lane house. Trent and Jesse are practicing in the basement.

Trent: Dammit, where are Nick and Max? They were supposed to be here an
hour ago!

Jesse: I dunno, dude. You wanna just practice without them for a while?

Trent: I guess. Which song?

Jesse: How about Crushing Desolation? I always liked that one.

Trent: You just like it ‘cause you only have to play two chords.

Jesse: Shut up, dude.

Trent: Whatever. Come on. One, two, three, four...

(Trent and Jesse play the song, get about a quarter through.)

Jesse: Dude, have you come up with a name for the band yet?

Trent: Naw, haven’t thought of one. Uh, you wanna just call it the Trent
Lane Band?

Jesse: Not enough zing. We need something that is catchy the first time
it’s heard, but not too weird.

Trent: Do you have any ideas?

Jesse: Well, I do have one, but I don’t think you’d like it.

Trent: Try me.

Jesse: How about... Hootie and the Blowfish?

Trent: Hootie and the Blowfish?! Who’s gonna buy a record by a band with a
name like that??

Meanwhile, Jane and Shelly are watching TV.

TV: Is the director of "Waterworld" hiring non-union fish as extras? What
it will mean for the cost of the film next on Sick Sad World!

Shelly: So, Jane, how’s school?

Jane: Well, I have no boyfriend, no friends for that matter, my math
teacher hates me, everyone thinks I’m creepy and I have to watch my back
every minute. But other than that, it’s great.

Shelly: Yep, sounds like junior high to me.

Jane: I don’t really care about being popular, but I just wish there was
someone I could relate to. I just-- I feel so alienated, you know?

Shelly: Yeah, I know the feeling.

Jane: It’s different for you, though. You have my brother and his friends.
I have no one.

Shelly: Well, you just hang in there, kid. I’m sure there’s someone out
there for you.

Jane: Does it get any better? In high school, I mean.

Shelly: Yeah, I think they’re less cruel in high school. Mostly they make
fun of you behind your back.

(phone rings)

Jane: Hello? Wind, hi! Wow, really?

Meanwhile, back in the basement...

Jesse: So how’s it going with Shelly?

Trent: Pretty cool, dude.

Jesse: Have the two of you, uhh... you know...

Trent: What, dude?

Jesse: Y’know, scored?

Trent: With each other?

Jesse: (sarcastically) Naww!!

Trent: Not yet.

Jesse: Why not? Have you asked her?

Trent: Well, yeah, I mean we both want to, but we can’t find the time or
the place. It’s gotta be just right, y’know? And at my place either my
parents, Jane or Penny are always home, so it’s kinda’ awkward, even more
so where she lives.

(Jane enters the basement.)

Jane: Hey Trent! Wind got married again!

Trent: Hah! I give them a week!

Jane: (to phone) He says congratulations. (leaves)

Jesse: Hmm... Hey, I know! You can use my pad Friday Night! During the
homecoming game! I’ll go to the football game, my parents will be out of
town, and you’ll have the whole place to yourself!

Trent: Really? You’ll take a football game for me?

Jesse: Hey, what are friends for? Besides, why miss Tommy Sherman’s
patented "running into the goalpost and hurting himself" routine?

(doorbell rings)

Jane: Trent! Pizza’s here!

Trent walks to the door, pays the pizza man. Closes door.

Trent: Dude, I know that guy! That’s Curtis Stalato. He’s in a couple of
our classes at school!

Jesse: He’s working as a pizza man? Whoa, you’ll never see me doing that!

Jane (thinking): Yeah, ‘cause that would mean working.



Scene 9: Thursday night. Trent and Bobby are in Trent’s car.

Trent: Ready, little buddy?

Bobby: Ready, dude.

Trent: Green Day, here we come.

(Tries to start the car, engine won’t start.)

Trent: Damn.

Bobby: What do we do now?

Trent: Hmm... Wait! Didn’t you say your brother was out of town?

Bobby: You don’t mean...

Trent and Bobby are in Tommy’s car. It’s speeding down the highway.

Bobby: Uh, Trent, I think you were supposed to make a right. Trent?

(Bobby looks at Trent. Trent’s asleep at the wheel.)

Bobby: Shit! Trent, wake up! Trent, look out!

Trent: Huh? Oh, crap!

(The car plows straight into a construction site. Trent slams on the
brakes, but nonetheless the car hits several objects and gets dented
everywhere.)

Bobby: Aw, man! What the hell did you do?

Trent: OK, OK, don’t panic...

Bobby: My brother’s gonna kill us! My brother’s gonna shit, man!

Trent: Wait... Is he gonna shit, or is he gonna kill us?

Bobby: First he’s gonna shit, THEN he’s gonna kill us!

Trent: He’s not coming back till tomorrow, right?

Bobby: Right...

Trent: OK, I got a plan. I’m gonna need a can of paint and a baseball bat
or something like that. And you have to keep a secret. Can you keep a secret?

Bobby: Of course, Trent.



Scene 10: At Lawndale High the next day. Shots of the school: Various
banners and posters saying LAWNDALE VS. GARFIELD, BEAT GARFIELD and
ASSASSINATE GARFIELD. A crowd of students watch in awe as Tommy Sherman’s car pulls up. It’s all
beat up, the windows are broken, and slogans like GARFIELD RULES, LAWNDALE
SUCKS and LAWNDALE’S GOING DOWN are graffiti’d all over it. Tommy steps out
of the car and he’s really mad.

Tommy: Those Garfield punks are so dead!



Scene 11: The big game Friday night. It’s the Lawndale Lions vs. the
Garfield Cats (although the school is named after Garfield the President,
their mascot is Garfield the cat), and all the Garfield players are really
intimidated by Tommy Sherman, who is simply enraged.

Sportscaster 1: And Sherman is especially aggressive on the field today...
Oh, man, look at him plow into those Cats over there! I think one of them
is seriously hurt!

Sportscaster 2: You know, Sherman’s aggression certainly isn’t hurting his
team... They’re already ahead by a whopping 20 points!

Bobby and Jesse are in the bleachers watching the game.

Bobby: Wow! This is great! I wish Trent was here to see this! Where is he,
anyway?

Jesse: Uh... He couldn’t make it. He has... y’know, homework.

Meanwhile, over at Jesse’s pad...

Trent lowers Shelly onto the bed in slow motion and they make love (for
those who are wondering, they are using a condom, OK?). BG music: "I Wanna
Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd, which comes to a screeching halt 15 seconds
later.

Trent: Uhh... Sorry.

Shelly: That’s OK, Trent. It’s your first time.

Trent: How did you know?

Back at the football game...

Sportscaster 1: And Sherman catches the ball with only 15 seconds left in
the game! And he’s heading for the goal... It looks like he’s going to
score a touchdown...

(As Tommy runs toward the goal, the crowd cheers wildly. Despite his rage
he gets caught up in it and waves at them while running.)

Sportscaster 1: And he’s almost there... But wait! He seems to be heading
straight INTO the goalpost!

(Tommy slams into the goalpost at high speed.)

Sportscaster 2: And it’s a touchdown! Lions win! But wait... It seems that
Sherman is unconscious. I think he’s hurt!

(Libby and the other cheerleaders run to Tommy.)

Libby: Oh my god! His nose is fractured in 3 places! Somebody call 911,
I’ll keep him warm.

Cheerleader: Libby, are you sure you know what you’re doing?

Libby: Sh’yeah! My parents are both paramedics! What, did you think I was
some... brain-dead sexpot airhead?

(The other cheerleaders look at each other.)



Scene 12: At school on Monday. "Stayin’ Alive" plays in the background as
Trent struts down the hallway. Jesse joins him.

Jesse: Hey man, how’s it goin’?

Trent: Great.

Jesse: Finally scored, eh?

Trent: Yep.

(pause.)

Trent: Jesse?

Jesse: Yeah?

Trent: How long is sex normally supposed to last?

Jesse: I dunno. Like, 15, 20 minutes, something like that. Why, how long
did it last for you?

Trent: Uhh... about that long.

Jesse: Wow, lucky you. Jeez, my first time I barely lasted a minute.

Trent: Interesting.