Mission: Irrational

"MISSION: IRRATIONAL”
A DARIA PASTICHE BASED ON A DREAM
by Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman

Act I

Scene 1

<Scene: Inside the living room of the Lane house, now home of TRENT and DARIA. The music
of Mystic Spiral is coming from the basement. The phone is ringing. Enter DARIA.>

DARIA: <Answering phone> Hello?

HELEN: <On other end> Daria, this is your mother.

DARIA: Hi, Mom. What’s new on your end?

HELEN: We have terrible headaches.

DARIA: <Sarcastically> Gee, Mom, why don’t you and Dad just take some aspirin?

HELEN: Because the cause of our headaches is that noise that you and the rest of that band are
making.

DARIA: We’re three blocks away, Mom.

HELEN: I know. That electric harmonica you play carries way too far. Why did you waste your
college education on building such an annoying thing?

DARIA: <Sarcastically> It was all part of my master plan to drive you and Dad insane. Right
along with my marrying a neo-rock musician. The next step in my master plan is to take over
Sweden.

HELEN: <Frustrated> Just turn down that racket before I call the police!

DARIA: OK, OK. You don’t have to outdo Dad in bursting blood vessels.

Scene 2

<Scene: The Lane basement. No one is present, though the music of Mystic Spiral can still be
heard. Enter DARIA with a tiny spy camera.>

DARIA: <Presses her free hand against a wall> Queen of Brazil nu eta six. <Hidden door opens
in front of her. She enters the opening.>

Scene 3

<Scene: A CIA top-secret laboratory. TRENT, JANE, and JESSE are working on sophisticated
equipment. DARIA and TRENT’s infant daughter LOIS is sleeping peacefully in a crib. Enter
DARIA.>

TRENT: What was that all about?

DARIA: Just my mother complaining about the noise. I think her response time is going down.

TRENT: Then we’re in trouble. Lois starts crying every time I turn the music off.

DARIA: Oh, Jesse, you left this upstairs. <Tosses the camera to Jesse> You ought to be more
careful. We don’t want our cover blown accidentally by the mail carrier.

<Mission: Impossible opening theme, graphics and text modified appropriately>

Act II

Scene 1

<Scene: The Lane top-secret laboratory. The same characters are present as before, all working
on the same stuff as before, except LOIS, who is sitting on TRENT’s lap and peacefully listening
to music through headphones.>

DARIA: <Looking at printout being printed> Uh-oh.

JANE: People in Washington having trouble finding new idiots to sell my paintings to?

DARIA: Worse. Upchuck’s heading straight for Lawndale in his private plane. According to this
flight plan he just filed, he should be here in a matter of hours.

JESSE: Isn’t he supposed to be working for the Swiss now?

DARIA: Definitely. I’m hoping he’s gotten less ostentatious, but I’m not holding my breath.

TRENT: Are our standing orders concerning him still the same? I still have a guitar with his name
on it for what he did the last time we had to deal with him.

DARIA: Who doesn’t?

TRENT: Good one, Daria.

DARIA: This will probably be the biggest thing this CIA installation has had to deal with ever
since this installation was created twenty years ago. As we all know, Upchuck has a long history
of learning other people’s secrets and then selling them to their enemies. Some of his suspected
informants in Washington were recently uncovered, and they confessed to having sold
embarrassing information about the President to a masked man who called himself Feistophilius,
which is believed to be an alias for Upchuck. As such, it is critical we apprehend him before he
divulges any information to his latest client. As usual, we have to maintain our cover as a
neo-rock band.

JESSE: Bogus. I really wanted to bash him over the head with a guitar during a gig.

DARIA: Stick to reconnaissance, Jesse. That’s too risky. Our drummer got himself killed the last
time he tried that.

TRENT: It’d be much safer to shoot him in the neck with an anesthetic dart and then pose as
emergency medical technicians.

JANE: But it might make a good backup plan if he’s still as good at staying protected as he’s been
before. He always sits near the entertainment at Chef Pierre, and we could make it look like an
accident.

DARIA: Hmm.

JANE: And Lois does love the sound of instruments breaking.

DARIA: True. I’ll take it under advisement. We definitely can’t sick Beavis and Butthead on him
again.

Scene 2

Scene 3

<Scene: An airport. JESSE is hiding around the corner from a gate where people on an arriving
flight will come through. Enter QUINN (dressed in black) passing JESSE and joining a group of
people waiting for others to arrive.>

JESSE: <Speaking quietly into his watch> Mazola to Queen of Brazil.

DARIA: <Through watch> This is Queen of Brazil. What’s going on over there?

JESSE: <Into his watch> I’m in position. Nothing unusual here but the presence of your sister,
Pea-Brain.

DARIA: <Through watch> Pea-Brain? What’s she doing there? She’s supposed to have dropped
off the face of the Earth. <Sighs> There goes my chance for eternal happiness.

TRENT: <Through watch> So we have someone else to spy on when we’re done with Pinhead. Is
Pinhead there yet?

JESSE: <Into his watch> Wait a minute.

UPCHUCK: Good to see you again, Quinn. Of course, you know my bodyguard Brittany.

QUINN: Hello, Charles, Brittany. Did you have a good flight?

UPCHUCK: A little turbulence, but I do like it when the sky is feisty.

QUINN: Shall we head straight to Chez Pierre to conduct business?

UPCHUCK: <As the three of them walk away> I think I’ll go to the hotel first. We can meet for
dinner at about, oh, seven?

JESSE: <Into his watch> Oh no! Pinhead and Bubblehead just left with Pea-Brain. No way we’ll
get him alone over here.

DARIA: <Through watch> There goes plan A. Have Tiffany Duke return the limo and then you
two should return to Wonderland. Rooster and I will try to implement plan B. Prepare for plan C,
just in case.

Act III

Scene 1

<Scene: Inside the van, outside a hotel. DARIA and TRENT are looking through binoculars to
locate UPCHUCK’s room. LOIS is sleeping in a car seat.>

TRENT: I don’t see them.

DARIA: A little to the left. He’s lying on the bed. He has a contented smile on his face.

TRENT: I see him now. Room 506, I’d say. Time to make the kill.

DARIA: Torture would suit him better. Whose turn is it to watch Lois during the raid?

TRENT: Mine. You going to climb up the side of the building and break through the window?

DARIA: Naah. I’m taking the elevator.

Scene 2

<Scene: The lobby of the hotel, in which stand several angry maintenance personnel on strike.
Enter DARIA, who rings for the elevator and enters it.>

Scene 3

<Scene: Inside the elevator. DARIA presses the button for the fifth floor.>

DARIA: <Looking at the floor indicator> Uh-oh. <Into her watch> Queen of Brazil to Rooster.

TRENT: <Through watch> Rooster here. What’s up?

DARIA: <Into her watch> The elevator’s stuck.

TRENT: <Through watch> That’s too bad. Now what?

DARIA: <Into her watch> Keep an eye on Pinhead and make sure he doesn’t escape. I’m going to
use the emergency phone. If I don’t report back in five minutes, call Mazola and Tiffany Duke and
tell them to get over here.

TRENT: <Through watch> Sure thing, Queen of Brazil.

DARIA: <Picks up the emergency phone and speaks into it> Hello? Is anybody there?

voice: <Through phone> Front desk. What can I do for you?

DARIA: <Into phone> The elevator’s stuck, and I’m in it.

voice: <Through phone> Hmm. This could take a while to fix. The maintenance personnel are on
strike.

DARIA: <Into phone, groaning> How long will this take?

voice: <Through phone> Finding someone who can fix the elevator, sneaking him-or-her past the
strikers, actual work... er, about three or four hours.

DARIA: <Through phone, groaning> I think I’ll try some heroics. <Puts down the phone. Climbs
to the top of the car, exits through the port in the top, climbs up the shaft, pushes open the doors,
and exits at the fifth floor. Then speaks into her watch.> Queen of Brazil to Rooster.

TRENT: <Through watch> Rooster here.

DARIA: <Moving, speaking into her watch> I’m on the fifth floor. What’s Pinhead doing?

TRENT: <Through watch> He’s putting something together on the balcony outside. Looks like a
kite or something.

DARIA: <Into her watch> What?

TRENT: <Through watch> He’s testing the air with a finger. He’s getting on the ledge. Looks
like he’s going to jump.

DARIA: <Into her watch> He must have acquired a new psychosis. <Reaches room 506 and
kicks open the door.> What the?

UPCHUCK: Yeehaw!

<DARIA’s watch beeps.>

DARIA: <Into her watch> Go ahead.

TRENT: <Through watch> Pinhead’s flying. I haven’t seen anything this weird in years.

Act IV

Scene 1

<Scene: Chez Pierre. DARIA, TRENT, and JESSE are setting up their instruments. Waitresses
(formerly the Fashion Club minus QUINN) are running around waiting on tables. Various guests
are sitting at the numerous tables. Enter QUINN, who is led by SANDI to the table nearest the
band.>

QUINN: <To DARIA, as discreetly as possible> What are you doing here?

DARIA: Nice to see you too, Ms. Not-In-Lawndale-Since-She-Graduated. I joined a band.
Bands get paid money to play in front of people, such as in restaurants. It so happens that this
restaurant hired us to play here regularly, right after another restaurant paid us to come here and
drive all the customers away.

QUINN: Well, I’ll pay you double what Chez Pierre is giving you if you’ll just leave. I have a
meeting in a few minutes with an important business associate, and whenever you’re around,
everything goes wrong!

DARIA: I hate to disappoint you, but you know I love to disappoint you, so I’ll be staying here.

DARIA: And if that charming man who just walked in is your business associate, I think you’ll be
staying too.

QUINN: <Seeing that UPCHUCK has entered the room> <Growls discretely>

UPCHUCK: <Approaching> Hello, feisty ladies! Are we, perhaps, having a cat-fight? <Growls>

DARIA and QUINN: No.

UPCHUCK: That’s too bad. Shall we begin, Quinn? I have much to sell and, oh, so little time.

QUINN: Please.

Scene 2

<Scene: The attic above Chez Pierre. JANE is monitoring UPCHUCK and QUINN’s
conversation below with sophisticated electronic equipment via headphones. LOIS is lying in a
portable baby chair and sleeping peacefully.>

JANE: What are they speaking down there? Anything they should know ought to be covered by
the standard translation package.

BRITTANY: It doesn’t matter. You ought to know better than to listen in on Mr. Ruttheimer’s
private conversation.

JANE: All this is part of Mystic Spiral’s stereo system. Just making sure nothing goes wrong.

BRITTANY: I’ve dealt with worse than you before. Nosy FBI agents, trying to entrap my boss for
trivial reasons. You’re not going to get away with this alive!

JANE: Care to find out?

Scene 3

<Scene: The dining room of Chez Pierre. The band is playing some sort of fusion of classical and
heavy metal music.>

UPCHUCK: Excuse me for a minute. I just remembered that I have to make a quick phone call.
<Exits room>

Scene 4

<Scene: The attic. JANE and BRITTANY are still fighting. LOIS is still sleeping peacefully.>

JANE: <As a machine starts beeping> Uh-oh.

BRITTANY: <To LOIS> Time to go for a ride, little one. Mean old Auntie Jane and friends
won’t dare hurt me and Mr. Ruttheimer as long as we’ve got you.

Scene 5

<Scene: The dining room. QUINN is sneaking out. The song is just finishing, and JESSE smashes
his guitar on the floor.>

DARIA: Didn’t I tell you not to do that? We’re not paid so well we can afford it.

JESSE: Sorry.

DARIA: Take five. I’ll go see if there’s a spare guitar in the van.

Scene 6

<Scene: The attic. Enter DARIA.>

DARIA: What’s going on up here? We were supposed to get a signal from you confirming that
you were going after Pinhead, and... <Sees JANE lying unconscious on the floor.> What
happened? Are you OK? And where’s Lois?

JANE: <Weakly> Brittany. Go.

Scene 7

<Scene: The parking lot of Chez Pierre. UPCHUCK and BRITTANY, the latter carrying LOIS,
are making a getaway. Enter DARIA behind them.>

DARIA: <Leveling a gun at UPCHUCK’s head> Freeze. CIA. You’re under arrest.

UPCHUCK: <As he and BRITTANY turn around> Ooh, feisty. But I know that no mother would
dare risk hitting her daughter.

DARIA: This is a new low, even for you. You know that the government won’t let you get away
with this. You’ll be hunted down by every agent between here and Japan.

UPCHUCK: Assuming they can shoot me without risking hitting your daughter Lois. Which is
very unlikely. No one is that good a shot. And so Charles Ruttheimer the Third wins again.

voice: I am that good a shot.

BRITTANY: <Putting LOIS carefully down on the pavement and then raising her hands> I
surrender!

DARIA: What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be working in a beauty salon in
Jamaica or something?

QUINN: I’m with the FBI.

DARIA: I didn’t know they lowered their standards that far. I’m with the CIA. Too bad you had
to shoot him. In this condition we won’t learn anything from him.

QUINN: It is a shame. If you hadn’t been around, I might have gotten some intelligence on
Switzerland from him before I took him into custody.

DARIA: What? He was a Swiss agent.

QUINN: He was a traitor to both sides. And your interference cost us making any use of him!

DARIA: How would you know anything like that? You couldn’t reason your way through a
simple syllogism.

QUINN: I’m not as stupid as you think I am. I spent years manipulating both of our parents and
you as well, which takes plenty of intelligence to do well. <Knocks BRITTANY unconscious as
she tries to escape.> And as for you, you should have known better than to bring a baby with you
on a mission. If you hadn’t made such a sloppy mistake, Upchuck and Brittany wouldn’t have had a
bargaining chip, and I might have gotten something out of him. Now he’s going to refuse to say
anything without twenty lawyers in the room! And it’s all your fault!

Scene 8

<Scene: DARIA’s bedroom. DARIA screams, sitting bolt upright in bed, waking from the dream.
She is shocked.>

DARIA: That was too weird to have been anywhere near real, even in Lawndale.

UPCHUCK: <Flying past DARIA’s window on a hand-glider> Yeehaw!

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