THE DINNER DATE FROM HELL
A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story
By Peter W. Guerin
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With apologies to Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn
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AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND NOTES
None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As
for continuity, this takes place after "The Prepaid Phone Call of Tommy
Sherman."
As for the names of Sandi's parents and brothers, check out "Fair Enough",
where they meet Jake and Helen at the medieval fair. Also, as for the last
name Del Monaco, I made that up in my second fan fic, "Triumph of the
Retart".
All "Daria" characters are (C) 1993, 1997, 1998 MTV Networks, a Viacom
International Company. All Rights Reserved.
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ACT I, PREDATORS 0
(Yeah, hockey season's here again, and the expansion teams are sucking
again!)
(The usual "Daria" opening sequence rolls as Splendora's "You're
Standing
on My Neck" plays. At a movie theater, everyone but Daria is laughing at a
scene. At gym class, Daria lets the volleyball get by her, causing Stacy
and Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her. At the hallway, Kevin and
Brittany are blocking Daria's locker. Daria blows a whistle to causing
Kevin to think it's time for practice. He and Brittany clear out, and
Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not
cheering. At gym class again, Daria lets the volleyball get past her
again, once again causing Tiffany and Stacy to flash hostile looks at her.
At a wedding, the bride files past the Morgendorffers. Pan left to see
Helen, Quinn and Jake all crying while Daria reads a newspaper with the
headline "MAYOR INDICTED". Finally, at gym class again, Stacy and Tiffany
collide as they try to get the volleyball, which once again goes past Daria.
Close up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria"
logo, below which is the caption "in: The Dinner Date from Hell".)
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Scene 1: The Morgendorffer residence. About early evening on Friday.
Open with a shot of the outside, then switch to the living room.
(Daria and Jane Lane are camped out at the living room, watching "Sick, Sad
World" on TV. A woman dressed as B-ko Daitokuji in her Akagiyama 23
battle suit from "Project A-ko" is seen holding up a bank.)
SSW Announcer: Is the popularity of Japanese animation causing an increase
in violent crime? We'll tell you, coming up next on "Sick, Sad World"!
Daria: This is the type of story only people like Peggy Charren can relate
to.
Jane: And Tipper Gore.
(Jake enters through the front door, with a big impish grim on his face.)
Jake: Hello, everyone! I'm home!
Daria: Uh-oh! Here comes "Mr. Dopey" himself.
Jane: Hi, Jake! What's up?
Jake: Hi, Jane, (To Daria), hi, kiddo! Well, if you need to know, I just
landed another big contract!
Daria: With who, Dad? The local funny farm?
Jake: (Stung by that remark, but determined not to let it spoil his big
triumph) C'mon, Daria, this is big news! We landed that big contract with
Green Star Industries!
Jane: Isn't that the company Sandi's dad works for as a VP?
Daria: Unfortunately, yes.
Jake: And, now get ready for this! To celebrate, we're going to have Tom
Del Monaco and his family over for dinner tomorrow night to celebrate!
Isn't that great!
Daria: Jane, call Dr. Kevorkian and ask him if he has an opening.
Jane: That is, if he isn't already booked solid or in jail again.
Jake: (Obviously hurt by those remarks). Daria, why do I have the feeling
that you don't like the Del Monacos?
Daria: Dad, their daughter Sandi hates my guts, and Quinn keeps telling
her that I'm her cousin and not her sister.
Jake: (Panic-stricken all of a sudden, with the veins beginning to pop out
of his forehead) SHE DOES? Why the nerve of her! I'll straighten this
out once and for all! (He goes to the foot of the stairs) QUINN! I NEED
TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW!
(Quinn comes down the stairs, wearing her dopey smiley-face T-shirt and
that red miniskirt she wore to seduce Kevin with in "The Lab Brat".)
Quinn: Dad, what is it? And make it quick; I've got a date with Jeffy.
Jake: Quinn, have you been telling Sandi at school that Daria's your
cousin?
Quinn: (In mock innocence) Why do you want to know that?
Jake: Because Daria told me, that's what!
(Quinn's jaw drops in shock.)
Jane: Well, well, well, the truth will come out in the end after all!
Daria: Think the expression on her face will make a good painting?
Jane: C'mon, Daria, I want people to have a positive impression about my
paintings, not scared out of their wits!
Jake: Quinn Louise (*) Morgendorffer, you're grounded this weekend!
(*) I made that middle name up, kind of like C. E. Forman made up Marie as
Daria's middle name in his fanfic "To Helen Back". My thanks and apologies
to C. E. for this inspiration!
Quinn: But, Dad--
Jake: Don't "But, Dad!" me, young lady! You march right back upstairs!
You're not going on any dates tonight!
Quinn: (Bolting past Jake and going up to Daria and Jane, then yelling at
the top of her lungs) DARIA, I HATE YOU! (She screams at her, then runs
upstairs crying)
Jane: (Sarcastically) I can see she took that rather well.
Daria: Maybe with good behavior she'll be out in ten or fifteen years.
Jane: (Getting up) Well, I guess I'd better go now; I can see the
proverbial crap's going to hit the fan when Helen gets here.
Jake: (Cheering up a bit). Now, now, Jane! You can stay here a bit
longer. Don't leave on my account!
Jane: I just remembered that Wind was going to pay us a visit this
weekend, and I was going to paint a cool design on a vase my mother made to
give to him. It's kind of a combined "Welcome Home" gift and wedding
gift.
Daria: Your brother got married again?
Jane: Yeah. This time, it's a Las Vegas showgirl. He says he's certain
this time it'll last.
Daria: (To herself) Then again, he's said that about the sixteen other
marriages he's had.
Jake: Tell you what, Jane, you're invited as well to dinner tomorrow!
Jane: Are you serious?
Jake: When will your brother show up?
Jane: He's supposed to be here in an hour or so. We're going to give him
the vase in the morning and then have a nice, quiet lunch after that. Let
me see if it's OK with my folks. Hell, I might even bring him over and
show him to Daria.
Jake: Way to go there, Jane! I'll see you then! (He goes to the door)
Jane: I can see my way out myself, Jake! (To Daria) See you tomorrow,
Daria! (She exits)
Daria: Same here. (The door closes) Dad, do you know what you just did?
Jake: (Trying to defend what he just did) I was just trying to be
neighborly, Daria.
Daria: Dad, it's bad enough that Sandi and her whole family hate Jane,
Trent and I. They don't need to have their false impressions that my
friends and I are sick weirdoes reinforced by having Jane's oldest brother
over here as well.
Jake: But, Daria, Jane and Trent are pretty OK people. I'm pretty sure
the rest of them are as well.
Daria: Most people in Lawndale beg to differ, but that's their
prerogative.
(Helen now enters. She's wearing the blue suit she purchased in
"Esteemers")
Helen: Helllloooo! I'm home! I won the big defective plywood suit
against Hardware Mart today!
Jake: I knew you could do it, honey! (He kisses her)
Helen: And how was your day today, Jake?
Jake: We landed the Green Star Industries contract! The Del Monacos are
going to be here for a little celebratory dinner tomorrow! (Helen scowls)
What's the matter, honey?
Helen: Jake, you know I don't get along with Linda! That back-stabbing
bitch!
Daria: Not only that, they'll all finally learn the truth that I'm Quinn's
sister.
Jake: (Getting a bit nervous) Uh, well, Daria did mention that she was
telling Sandi that was the case, but I grounded her for the weekend. See,
honey, I can assert parental authority.
Daria: Not only that, Jane's going to be here as well, with her big
brother Wind!
Helen: (Gasping) Why does this always have to happen to me! I have a ton
of paperwork to catch up this weekend, (opening her briefcase to reveal the
papers she's got jammed in there) and I just can't find the time to cook a
meal!
Jake: I can cook it, honey!
Helen: Jake, not to hurt your feelings, but you are a terrible cook!
Daria: I have to agree with Mom, Dad; you make C-ko Kotobuki and Akane
Tendo look like Julia Child and the Frugal Grommet, respectively!
Jake: (Outraged that the both of them could put down his cooking) SO, I'M
NOT A GREAT COOK, AM I! I'LL SHOW YOU! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL! I CAN COOK AN
EXCELLENT MEAL THAT EVERYONE WILL ENJOY, WITHOUT ANY ONE OF YOU HELPING
ME! I'LL SHOW YOU, DAMMIT! (He storms out of the living room and into the
kitchen, where he grabs some cookbooks and begins to leaf through them)
Helen: You're going to be a big flop, Jake! (To Daria) Could I speak to
you alone for a moment?
Daria: This is unusual.
Helen: (Exasperated) Come on, already! (They proceed to go upstairs)
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Scene 2: Daria's room. Background music: "Going Out of My Mind" by
Fatboy Slim.
(Helen is sitting in the chair next to Daria's desk, while Daria is sitting
on her bed.)
Helen: Daria, I though I'd never would be forced to do this, but I need
your advice.
Daria: That is a first. (Pauses) Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket;
this could be my lucky day.
Helen: Daria, I'm being serious here. You know I don't get along with
Sandi's mother very well. She cuts me down to size every chance she can
get with me. I just can't stand it! I was hoping that you could give me
some pointers about cutting her down to size
Daria: You're asking me for advice on that subject? You cut Dad down to
size very well already.
Helen: Well, that's different. Your father is a putz already. Linda, on
the other hand, is a strong-willed, egotistical bitch--
Daria: Just like Ms. Li.
Helen: Exactly.
Daria: Just don't tell anyone at school I said that; I could face the
firing squad.
Helen: You have my word on that, Daria. (Pauses) So, any pointers about
handing Linda?
Daria: First off, you need to know your foe's weaknesses.
Helen: Daria, Linda's so damn perfect I don't know if she has any
weaknesses.
Daria: Everyone has their Achilles heel, Mom. (She goes to her closet and
takes out some notebooks) I've been keeping profiles of everyone at the
Fashion Club and their parents; read these and you'll know everything I
know about what makes them tick.
Helen: Where do you find the time to write all this up?
Daria: It's not easy, but I manage. (Helen begins to leaf through the
notebooks) In the meantime, I'm going to go to the bathroom.
(She gets up and goes out into the hallway. She passes by Quinn's room,
where she's crying her eyes out while sitting on her canopy bed. Daria
pauses.)
Daria: Don't worry Quinn; maybe the parole board will listen to reason.
Quinn: (Wrenching her head out of her hands). Daria, you've ruined
everything for me! Sandi's bound to kick me out of the Fashion Club for
sure now! Everyone is going to point to me and say, "Oh, look! There's
Quinn Morgendorffer! She's the one who has that geek sister Daria!"
Daria: It could be worse, you know.
Quinn: How so?
Daria: You could have been stuck having Quasimodo for a brother.
(Quinn shrieks and throws her smiley face pillow at Daria, who dodges it.
Quinn returns to her sobfest as Daria walks to the bathroom.)
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Scene 3: The Del Monaco residence. Show the outside, then cut to the
living room. Background music: "Circles" from Soul Coughing.
(Sandi is watching MTV's "House of Style" while her brothers Sam and Chris
wrestle with each other. Tom enters the house)
Tom: Sam, Chris, knock it off now!
Sandi: Never mind them, Dad! They've been this way all day!
Tom: Anyway, I've got some really good news for you all! We've been
invited to the Morgendorffers for dinner tomorrow night!
Sandi: (Panic-stricken) WHAT!
Tom: Sandi, I know you have had some bad blood with them in the past due
to the incident regarding the Student Government President election (*),
but you have to learn to get along with them sometime!
(*) For those of you who came in late, read "Triumph of the 'Retart'" and
fill in on what happened--Main Man Peter
Sandi: Like, Dad, I can't stand that cousin of Quinn's, and Quinn herself
keeps trying to usurp me!
Tom: You are going to be on your best behavior tomorrow night, young lady,
or else you are going to be forbidden to go to Cranberry Commons for a
month!
Sandi: Like, OK, Dad! You don't have to go postal on me!
(Sam and Chris begin to fight again.)
Sam: (To Chris) You started this!
Chris: (To Sam) No, you did!
Tom: (To the both of them) That goes double for the two of you, too!
(They stop)
(Linda enters)
Linda: Hi, Tom! (She kisses him) How was your day?
Tom: We've been invited to the Morgendorffer's house for dinner tomorrow!
Linda: (Going berserk) WE ARE NOT GOING OVER THERE, TOM!
Tom: But my company decided to use Jake's consulting firm!
Linda: Tom, you know what happened when Sandi was running for Student
Government President! That Daria girl kicked the crap out of her! She
humiliated her! Sandi had to do community service for her part in trying
to stop David MacAllister from winning!
Tom: That was all in the past, Linda.
Linda: They still think she had something to do about Derek Jones blowing
David up.
Tom: We've got to learn to put the past behind us, Linda!
Linda: Give me one good reason why I should go to this dinner!
Tom: I'm in line for a promotion. If I show the boss I can get along with
Jake, I'll be a shoo-in!
Linda: (Sighs) OK, OK, but I have a feeling I'm going to regret this!
(Sam and Chris fight again.)
Tom: Will you two knock it off again!
(An organ interlude plays as Janet Wygal sings "Excuse me! Excuse me!" as
the scene where Daria is getting her notebooks out of the closet is shown
in slow-motion in a blue tint, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.)
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COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1
Announcer: On the next "Celebrity Deathmatch", it's "Geeky 70's Retro
Time"! Our feature match will pit Superfly against Gabriel Kotter! (Show
a scene where Superfly is trying to rip off Kotter's head). Also, see
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the famous "Have it Your Way" commercial vs. the fast-talking Federal
Express business executive! (Show appropriate scenes of Supertrain and
the Big Bus colliding and the Burger King girls beating up on the FedEx
guy). It's all on the next "Celebrity Deathmatch"! Thursday night at
10 Eastern, 9 Central on MTV!
(Another commercial)
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Go to your local Mother Nature's Health Food Store now! Check your
local Yellow Pages for the store near you!
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ACT II, HURRICANES 1
(They should have stayed in Hartford!)
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Scene 1: Morgendorffer residence, Saturday morning. The kitchen.
(Jake is seen struggling to use the mixer. He's dressed casually in a
polo shirt and slacks, with an apron over that)
Jake: C'mon, you stupid piece of crap! Mix already!
(He hits the side of the mixer, and it goes haywire, splattering whatever's
in the bowl all over the place. Daria now enters, she's wearing her usual
bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts.)
Daria: Dad, is everything all right!
Jake: (Trying to cover up his ineptness) Uh, yeah, kiddo! Nothing the
old Jakester can't handle.
Daria: Dad, you're messing up cooking dinner again, aren't you? The
evidence is all over the kitchen.
(Jake breaks down and cries.)
Jake: (Sobbing) Let's face it, Daria! I don stink at this!
Daria: (Going up to Jake) Tell you what, Dad. I do know some rudimentary
cooking skills. What are you planning to cook anyway?
Jake: Well, I was planning to cook some rolls, make a Caesar's salad, some
chicken cordon bleu, asparagus, beans and for dessert, chocolate cake.
Daria: I'd watch it with the asparagus; it makes your whizz colored funny.
Jake: Yeah, you're right, kiddo. Maybe I'll serve carrots instead.
Daria: I once saw on "Sick, Sad World" about a man who ate so much carrots
his skin turned orange.(*)
(*)That can happen, you know. I once read a story of such an occurrence.
I think it was called "The Orange Man". Anyone remember it, e-mail me!
Jake: Dammit, Daria! What can I serve then?
Daria: Try peas. They're pretty safe.
Jake: Yeah, you're right!
Daria: Am I brilliant or what?
Jake: You said it, kiddo!
(Helen now enters; she's wearing a magenta robe kind of like the one
Daria wore in "Ill".)
Helen: Daria, I've read your notes on the Del Monacos, and I found them
very informative.
Daria: Find anything you can use?
Helen: Believe me, Daria, I've got enough ammo to equip Charlie Company.
(Quinn enters. She's wearing that yellow nightshirt with the bunny rabbit
on it.)
Quinn: (Snidely) Good morning, my jailers!
Helen: (Not going to let that go by unchallenged) Quinn, you will be on
your best behavior today! And you WILL tell Sandi's family that Daria's
your sister!
Quinn: (Now going hysterical) But, if I do that, I'll be kicked out of
the Fashion Club!
Helen: You should have thought of that before you began to say things like
that!
Daria: Maybe they'll be lenient on you and just demote you to doorkeeper
at their meetings!
Quinn: Daria, you know how to say things that are mean to me! (She dashes
out of the kitchen, crying)
Daria: At times, she makes Usagi from "Sailor Moon" look good.
Helen: Daria, you should be sympathetic about your sister at times.
Daria: (Going out of the kitchen herself) Let me know when the Buccaneers
make it to the Super Bowl! I'm going to get dressed. I'll be right back
down. (she dashes upstairs).
(Helen looks exasperated at Jake)
Jake: Why are you looking at me for? What did I do?
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Scene 2: The Lane residence, 111 Howard Drive. About noon. Background
music: "The Stroke" by Billy Squire (OK, OK, it's a bit old, but it seemed
appropriate.)
(Jane, Trent, Amanda, Darren [*] and Wind are in the living room. Wind is
about Trent's height, with green eyes, brown hair, sideburns, and beard.
he wears a tye-dyed shirt and blue knee-length shorts. Next to him is his
new wife, Lizzie, who's a tall, busty blonde with blue eyes and wearing a
black drop-dead mini-dress.)
[*]I revealed that Darren was the name of Jane and Trent's father in
"Triumph".
Amanda: Wind, it's so good to have you back home, even if it's for a
visit.
Wind: (Sounds a bit like a young Wolfman Jack) Yeah, well I've been looking
forward to being here since I got hitched again.
Darren: And, you, Lizzie, you'd better be a good wife to my Wind here!
Lizzie: (Sounds a bit like C-ko did from "Plot of the Daitokuji Financial
Group" onward) Well, I'll take very good care of Windie here! (She goes
and hugs him)
Trent: I think it's time to give these two lovebirds their wedding gift,
Janey!
Jane: Right! (She goes downstairs to the basement)
Wind: I just hope no one is disappointed that I married a Las Vegas
showgirl!
Darren: It could have been worse. You could have married someone who
wanted you for your money! (Laughs to show it was a joke, then everyone
else joins in)
Amanda: Just remember, Lizzie, Mary Hart used to be a showgirl herself.
Trent: I wonder if that explains the $1 million insurance policy she
took out on her legs.
Darren: Maybe she was afraid that organized crime loansharks were going
to break them! (Laughter all around again)
(Jane comes up with the vase)
Jane: Here you go, Wind, Lizzie! (She gives it to them. They look at it
for a minute)
Wind: Mom, Jane, this is beautiful! Thanks, guys!
Jane: I did the painting on that myself.
Amanda: Anyway, Jane, you said your friend Daria wanted Wind over to see
her folks.
Jane: Hey, it's an opportunity for her to see other members of the Lane
clan other than us. Besides, when is the rest of our family ever in town?
(Everyone laughs over that remark)
Trent: I'll drive you over there myself.
Lizzie: Can I come too?
Jane: Sure. We can always use another person to scare all the stiffs
Daria hangs around with.
(More laughs)
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Scene 3: Morgendorffer residence, the living room. About 3 PM. Background
music: "Got the Life" by Korn.
(Quinn is watching "House of Style". Helen is trying to do her paperwork.)
Quinn: When were we expecting Sandi's family anyway?
Helen: (Being distracted) About 6. Why?
Quinn: Could I get my affairs in order before Sandi kills me?
Helen: Quinn, your friend is just going to have to accept the fact that
Daria's your sister. Is that so bad?
Quinn: But, Mom, Daria is such a geek!
Helen: Even so, she's still your sister! Remember, you can't choose your
relatives!
(The scene shifts to the kitchen, where Daria is helping Jake cook dinner.
Daria is wearing that black shirt and jeans combo from "The Road Worrier"
again.)
Daria: If only that was possible.
Helen: (Out of view) I heard that, Daria!
(Jake looks at the chicken cordon bleu cooking)
Jake: Daria, I don't know how much I can thank you for helping me with
dinner!
Daria: No big deal, Dad. I don't want you to look like a dope in front of
Sandi's family and Mom.
Jake: (Not realizing that Daria meant that sarcastically) I knew I could
count on you, kiddo!
(Daria just rolls her eyes)
(The doorbell rings. Helen gets up.)
Helen: That can't be them already! I told them to be here at 4:30 at the
earliest!
(She goes to the door. She sees Jane, Trent, Wind and Lizzie standing
there.)
Jane: Oh, hi, Helen.
Trent: Hi, Mrs. Mongendorffer.
Helen: Jane, what's Trent doing with you? And who are the others with you
as well?
Jane: The guy with the brown beard is my brother Wind. The blonde with
him is his new wife Lizzie.
Wind and Lizzie: Nice to meet you--
Helen: Helen's the name. (She rolls her eyes. She didn't expect this,
but is now obliged to let them in) Come right in. (They go to the
living room) Wind, Lizzie, this is my youngest daughter Quinn. (They now
go into the kitchen) And here's my oldest daughter Daria and my husband
Jake.
(Daria turns around and sees them)
Wind: Daria! I've heard so much about you! (He extends his hand)
Daria: (Shaking it) You must be Wind.
Wind: Guilty as charged--not that I've ever committed any crimes!
Daria: Who's the blonde?
Lizzie: I'm Lizzie, Wind's new wife. (Giggles)
Daria: (In a deadpan manner) Nice to meet you.
Helen: Anyway, make yourselves comfortable. I'll get you some drinks.
(Turns to Trent) I guess you and Wind can have some wine with us.
Trent: Got any beer?
Helen: (Stunned that they'd want that with a fancy dinner) Fine, fine,
I'll get that then! (She goes to the refrigerator)
Lizzie: I'll have one too! (Giggles)
(The Lanes and Daria go back to the living room)
Trent: Hello, Quinn.
Quinn: You stay away from me, you weirdo!
Jane: Hey, don't say that about my brother!
Quinn: You're entire family's weird!
Daria: Don't mind her, Wind.
Wind: I'm used to it. I've been called worse! (He gets a good laugh as
he sits next to Daria, then slaps her on her right knee)
Daria: Watch it there, or I'll have to use the Vulcan Grip!
Trent: He's just being friendly, Daria.
Daria: I shudder to think what he'd do if he didn't. . .
(The doorbell rings again.)
Helen: (From the kitchen) Quinn, answer the door.
(Quinn gets up and does so. When the door opens, it's to reveal the Del
Monacos.)
Sandi: Like, hello, Quinn!
Quinn: Oh, hi, Sandi, Chris, Sam, Mr. and Mrs. Del Monaco.
Tom: Hope we aren't too early.
Quinn: (With that look like she wishes they weren't here) Oh, no! You're
just in time! (They enter)
Linda: Where is your mother?
Jane: Helen is in the back.
Linda: (Going up to her) I don't think I know you, young lady.
Jane: Jane Lane's the name, and artiste extraordinare is my game. Those
guys are my brothers Trent and Wind, and the blonde is Wind's new wife
Lizzie.
Quinn: (Trying to give them the bum's rush) Why don't we all sit down in
the kitchen!
(She hustles them over. She then goes to Daria)
Quinn: Daria, you and your friends make yourself scarce!
Daria: And what if we don't want to?
Quinn: If you spill the beans about us being sisters, I'm finished!
Daria: I can't kick them out of here, Quinn. After all, Dad invited them.
Quinn: Daria, my future with the Fashion Club is at stake here!
Daria: Ah, yes, evil gets desperate when it knows that it's about to be
defeated.
Quinn: Daria, I'm being serious!
Jake: (From the kitchen) Daria, I could use your help here again!
Daria: (Sardonically) Saved by Dad. (She gets up and leaves)
Quinn: (Realizing that she's done for) I'm doomed!
Wind: I like to play "Quake" myself.
Quinn: (Shrieking) WHO ASKED YOU!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4: The dining room, about 6 PM. The normally round dinner table's
been replaced with a rectangular one, only brought out for occasions like
this. Background music: "Get Started (Start a Fire)" by Graham Parker.
(Everyone is gathered at the table. Jake is serving dinner)
Helen: Well, here we are. I hope this is to everyone's liking.
Jake: (Trying to cut the chicken) C'mon, cut already!
Daria: Let me handle this, Dad. (She grabs the knife and fork and
proceeds to cut it effortlessly. She then sets up everyone's plates and
passes them around)
Tom: So, Jake, I think this should be the beginning of a healthy working
relationship.
Jake: I only hope so, Tom.
Sandi: So, Quinn, why didn't I see you at the mall today?
Quinn: Well, I had to do some homework. . .
Helen: Quinn was grounded because she told some lies to everyone at
school.
Linda: What lies?
Helen: Mainly that Daria was her cousin when in reality she's here sister.
Sandi: (Suddenly going ballistic) WHAT! IS THAT TRUE!
Daria: I thought I beat that into your thick skull when I confronted you
about you're trying to scare David MacAllister from running for Student
Government President.
(Quinn is now like a trapped rat on a sinking ship)
Jane: Any last words before the firing squad shoots you?
(That jeering, teasing version of "La, la, la, la la" with appropriate
jeering, teasing music is played as we see the scene were Helen opens the
door and sees Jane, Trent, Wind and Lizzie plays in slo-motion in a blue
tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2
Announcer: On the next "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist", Dr. Katz
psychoanalyzes President Clinton.
(Clinton is seen on a couch as Dr. Katz takes notes)
Clinton: Everyone says Ah'm got an addiction to sex.
Katz: Well, it can be helped, Mr. President.
Clinton: Ah couldn't help it if Monica did some--uh--"services" for me.
Katz: Well, most people don't get that type of "service", though.
Clinton: Is there any hope for me, Dr. Katz?
(A Secret Service agent suddenly enters)
Agent: Mr. President, Candy from Times Square wants you to keep that two
o'clock appointment.
Clinton: (Looking at watch) WHOOPS! Got to go!
(He leaves with the agent. Dr. Katz can only roll his eyes in despair)
Announcer: Don't miss every hilarious moment on the next all-new episode
of "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist". Monday night at 10 Eastern/9
Central only on Comedy Central. Call your local cable company today and
order Comedy Central.
(Another commercial)
Announcer: Race fans! (Echoes) Don't miss the Mega-Monster Truck Rally!
All the big trucks will be there like Dominator, Terminator, Bigfoot,
Sasquatch, Destroyer, Stomper, and Megamuncher! Plus, kids, see Optimus
Prime and Megatron duke it out! Plus motocross action! Admission is $10
adults, $5 kids. Get your tickets now! BE THERE! (Echoes)
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ACT III, MIGHTY DUCKS 2
(More like "Mighty Dorks" to me; beware of sports teams owned by the Evil
Mouse that tries to water down anime like Hayao Miyazaki's works and
"Sailor Moon"!)
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Scene 1: The dining room again.
(Quinn still has that doomed look on her face)
Linda: So, Quinn, is it true you've been lying to us about the exact
relationship between you and Daria?
Quinn: Well--well--well--I just remembered! I have to read some books to
some old blind people!
(She gets up to go, but Daria collars her.)
Daria: Not so fast there, Richard Nixon!
Quinn: (Squirming) Let me go, Daria!
Helen: Yes, it's true. Quinn's been lying.
Sandi: (Yelling at the top of her lungs) QUINN MORGENDORFFER, HOW COULD
YOU!
Quinn: I'm sorry, Sandi, but if I told you that Daria was my sister, you
would never have taken me in as a member of the Fashion Club.
Wind: And everyone thinks my family's dysfunctional.
Sandi: Tomorrow, I'm going to convene an emergency meeting of the Fashion
Club, Quinn! At that meeting, I'm going to move that you be expelled for
lying to us about having a geeky sister!
Quinn: (Shrieking) NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (She bolts from Daria's grasp and
runs out of the house)
Helen: I'm going to talk to her.
Jake: C'mon, honey, let's just eat! We can handle this later!
(Everyone calmly resumes eating)
Lizzie: (To Daria) You have such a nice family, Daria! (Giggles)
Daria: (To herself) You don't even know the half of it, sister!
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Scene 2: Out on the streets of Lawndale. Background music: "Don't Speak"
by No Doubt.
(Quinn is seen crying. She just wants to be out of here. Suddenly, she
bumps into someone. It's none other than Ted, the boy from "The New Kid")
Ted: Hey, aren't you Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's sister?
Quinn: Just leave me alone! (She tries to walk away)
Ted: Hey, now wait a minute! What's wrong?
Quinn: I don't want to talk about it!
Ted: Try me.
Quinn: (Hoping that maybe then he could leave her alone) OK, OK, I'll
tell you. You see, ever since we moved here, I've been telling everyone
at school that Daria's my cousin and not my sister. Then I got into the
Fashion Club as Vice-President. Somehow lie upon lie was heaped up, then
Daria blabbermouthed to Dad about what I was doing. Now Mom's told Sandi's
folks the truth. I'm ruined!
Ted: Maybe if you had told the truth in the first place, this would never
have happened.
Quinn: It's too late for that now! I'm finished!
Ted: Maybe not! Come over to my place! I think I can whip up a plan.
Quinn: Besides, why are you out here?
Ted: Just returning from the library.
Quinn: I guess that figures.
Ted: Come on, let's go to my place.
(Quinn rolls her eyes and goes with him)
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Scene 3: The Morgendorffer's living room.
(Dinner is finished. Everyone is eating dessert.)
Linda: So, how's things at the law firm, Helen?
Helen: I just won that big case against Hardware Mart recently.
Linda: Oh, that one. That was such a stupid case.
Helen: But not as stupid as when you padded your bra when you were in the
beauty contest for homecoming queen during your senior year at high school!
Linda: (Angry that she'd just happen to know that) And how did you find
that one out!
Helen: I've got my sources. (She gives a knowing wink to Daria, who
smiles)
Linda: That's none of your business!
Helen: Oh, if that's the case, then how come you blabbermouthed to
everyone at school about your friend Connie Stuart's pregnancy?
Linda: How'd you find that out?
Daria: If this is going to get ugly, my friends and I are going to go out
for a while.
Helen: Go right ahead, dear. (She winks at her again. She, Jane, Trent,
Wind and Lizzie leave through the front door)
Daria: Am I glad to be out of there?
Wind: Is everyone you know this uptight, Daria?
Daria: I'm afraid so.
Jane: So, what do we do?
Daria: First, we find Quinn and bring her back so she can face her own
medicine.
Jane: And this time, not even George Clooney can save her.
Daria: Did you see Sandi go ballistic there?
Jane: Remember when I said she was so stuck up that we'd have to use
Draino on her? (*)
(*) She said that on "Triumph"--Encyclopedic Peter
Daria: Yes.
Jane: It's far worse than that now; we'll have to call the Roto-Rooter
man!
(Trent, Wind and Lizzie snicker)
Daria: (To Lizzie) Do you always laugh like that?
Lizzie: It's a habit.
(Daria rolls her eyes)
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Scene 4: Out on the street. Background music: "Soundtrack to Mary" by
Soul Coughing.
(Daria and the Lanes are in Trent's car. Suddenly, the spot Quinn and Ted)
Daria: Well, well, well, look who it is who found Quinn!
(The car stops. Daria gets out.)
Quinn: (In shock) Oh, hi, Daria.
Ted: (Equally shocked) Hi.
Daria: Will you two get inside please?
Jane: We plan to make you wear concrete overshoes and dump you into the
East River.
(They cringe, but Daria hustles them in. The car drives off)
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Scene 5: The Morgendorffer's living room. Background music: "Rumble in
Brighton" by the Brian Setzer Orchestra.
(The argument's heating up as Helen and Linda both look exasperated)
Helen: Then, there's the fact that Sandi wears false eyelashes.
Sandi: I do not! (She points angrily at Helen, which shakes her false
eyelashes off to the floor. She gasps)
Linda: Helen Morgendorffer, now you're taking this too far! (She gets up
and broadsides Helen. A catfight ensues)
Tom: (angrily to Jake) Now look what you've done!
Jake: What did I do?
Tom: You know that contract my company made with yours? You can forget
about it! (He coldcocks him)
Jake: Tom, you always hated my guts! (He broadsides him back)
(A general melee now ensues, with Sam and Chris fighting themselves.
Sandi joins in by tugging on Helen's hair. Daria, Quinn, Ted, Jane, Trent,
Wind and Lizzie enter. Daria enters the melee buy grabbing Sandi and
kicking her real good with her Doc Martins boots. Jane goes to Sam and
Chris, clonking their heads together. They drop. Quinn and Ted can only
look on in shock. Trent, Wind and Lizzie look on in amusement. Daria now
separates Jake and Tom, and kicks Tom in the testicles, sending him
howling)
Daria: Before I send everyone to the penalty box, maybe you'd like to hear
what Quinn has to say.
Sandi: Nothing you can say is going to save you from being kicked out,
Quinn!
Ted: Hear her out.
Jake: (Recognizing Ted) Ted, is that you?
Ted: Yes, it is, Mr. Morgendorffer.
Quinn: (Nervously) Well, what I want to say is that my thing about my
saying that Daria was my cousin was nothing but a big running practical
joke. I'm a real kidder at heart. (Turns to Daria) Daria really is my
sister. Maybe she isn't exactly the kind of sister I want, but someone
once said that you can't choose your relatives.
Jake: (Reminiscent of the running joke in "The Big House") I know! I
know! It was Jefferson!
Helen: Jake, will you shut up!
Jake: (Meekly) Yes, dear!
Quinn: But, anyway, I just want to apologize for any pain, suffering and
inconvenience that I may have caused to you and the other members of the
Fashion Club for my little ruse. And I mean it from the bottom of my
heart.
Sandi: Well, I'll think about it. I want you present at my house tomorrow
at 1 o'clock and we will discuss your case.
Quinn: (At the verge of tears) Thanks, Sandi, you're all heart. (She
breaks down, and cries. Daria goes up to her, and, rather unusually,
consoles her)
Daria: Thanks for finally admitting the truth, Sis.
Jane: (To Trent, Wind and Lizzie) You have just witnessed the complete
humiliation of an airhead.
Trent: Cool.
Wind: Bonzo.
Lizzie: Gee! (Giggles)
Linda: (To Tom) Come on, Tom, we're leaving. (She and the rest of the
family get up to go) Helen, you are going to hear from my lawyer!
Helen: He or she won't stand a chance against me!
Linda: We'll see about that! (She and the other family members leave,
slamming the door after them)
Jake: (Noticing that some of the furniture's been wrecked) Dammit! And
we just had the Sugarbakers redecorate here!
Daria: (To Ted) Ted, it's been some time since I saw you.
Ted: Well, I couldn't turn down helping your sister. (Sees Trent) Is
that that Trent Guy you were telling me about?
Daria: Yep. And I'm already spoken for with him. He's my guy now. So,
if you want to show your appreciation for helping Quinn, get out of here
now.
Ted: You don't have to tell me twice. (He leaves hastily)
Jane: Well, we'd better leave ourselves.
Daria: Sure. (Turns to Wind and Lizzie) Nice meeting you two.
Wind: Maybe we'll meet again.
Daria: You, yes. (Pointing to Lizzie) Her, I don't know.
Wind: You never know. (To Lizzie) Let's get going.
Lizzie: Sure! (Giggles)
Trent: See you later, Daria. (He kisses her on the cheek. Daria blushes)
Jane: See you at class Monday, Daria. (The Lanes leave)
Helen: Daria, I just want to say thanks.
Daria: For what?
Helen: For all that info about Linda you found out. By the way, how did
you find all this out anyway?
Daria: By snooping in on the Fashion Club's meetings when they were held
in Quinn's room.
Quinn: (In shock) How could you!
Helen: Well, I finally paid back Linda for all the times she cut me down
to size!
Jake: Yeah, and I get the most bumps and bruises!
Helen: Jake, don't spoil the moment!
(Daria breaks out in a smile)
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Scene 6: Lawndale High School, about 10 AM Monday. The hallway.
Background music: "Sunday Papers" by Joe Jackson (yet another oldie I
thought was appropriate)
(Daria and Jane are going down the hallway)
Jane: So, what happened at the Fashion Club's meeting?
Daria: Quinn told me that the rest of the Fashion club decided it could
live with the fact that I'm her sister. However, for lying to them about
it, they suspended her membership for one month and she has to buy them all
the clothing, jewelry and cosmetics they want at the first trip to the mall
after her suspension is up.
Jane: I would have chosen lethal injection.
(Quinn goes down the hall)
Quinn: Hi, Daria, Jane.
Daria: So, how are things on your first day back since the ugly truth
about our real relationship with each other has been revealed?
Quinn: OK, I guess. Stacy said that at the next meeting, she wants to
put forth a resolution about helping you improve your looks. If the
truth's out now, at least you should be as good-looking as me.
Daria: Tell them I'll take a raincheck on that.
Quinn: Suit yourself.
(The other members of the Fashion Club head down the hall)
Sandi: There's Quinn's sister, Daria.
Tiffany: Quinn should have her head examined. How she managed to cover
this up for so long is puzzling.
Stacy: If I had an unattractive sister like that, I'd die from
embarrassment!
Sandi: Let's go, ladies!
(They leave)
Quinn: I've got to run now. (She goes)
Jane: Oh, by the way, did I tell you that Wind called yesterday?
Daria: He did?
Jane: He said that Lizzie dumped him for a Hell's Angel. They left
for Haiti to file a divorce.
Daria: Well, I'm glad to see some thing don't change.
(To highlight that remark, Kevin Thompson is seen being castigated by
Anthony DeMartino, with Brittany Taylor standing next to Kevin)
Mr. DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out) Kevin, how could you have
GOTTEN such a dismal MARK on this TEST! You're in DANGER of being KICKED
off the TEAM!
Kevin: Sorry, Mr. DeMartino, but I really thought Peter Falk discovered
America!
Brittany: It said so in a "Mother Goose and Grimm" comic strip we read
once!
(Mr. DeMartino grabs the sides of his hair and screams)
Jane: Amen to that, Daria! (She slaps Daria on the back)
("Pure Morning" from Placebo plays as the closing credits roll. Makeovers
include Brittany as Leeza Gibbons; Mack as Reggie White; Kevin as the Thing
from the Fantastic Four; Daria as Dana Scully; Jane as Gabrielle Reece;
Sandi as Ally McBeal; Ms. Barch as Wonder Woman; Mr. O'Neill as Superman;
and Ms. Li as Marge Simpson. The Daria logo is shown as the credits fade
to black. Cut to a scene were sweaty hands are seen over a piece of
metal. The left hand holds a die while the right hand holds a
sledgehammer. An ominous timpani drumroll is heard as the hammer hits into
the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. At the second time,
however, the hammer hits into the left thumb, causing the person to drop
both the hammer and dye. The person turns around, and we see its the
author of the story, who then screams "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE
!@#$%^& HAMMER!", then walks off. We now see that a red computer zero
[a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal, and
white lettering above and below it say "MARK ZERO FAN FICTION UNLIMITED".
Fade to black)
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THE END
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THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED!
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CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!
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