The Hero and the Tank
By: Candice Gliniecki
Scene 1- Jane and Daria are sitting in front of the school, and Jane is eating
cheese puffs. Daria is reading the ingredients.
(bg music> "Be Quiet and Drive" by: Deftones)
Daria: Maltodextrin, monosodium glutamate, silicon dioxide, sodium caseinate,
lactic acid, disodium phosphate, disodium inosinate...sounds like a chemistry
experiment gone terribly wrong.
Jane: (shugs) It tastes fine to me. (eats another handful) Speaking of
chemistry, did you study for the big test?
Daria: Don't remind me. I've looked it over, but I just can't seem to get
excited about it.
Jane: You don't have to get riled up by it, you just have to know it.
Daria: I'll study more tonight.
Jane: (makes an exaggerated fake yawn and stands up) That sounds like a real
party to me. What wonderful plans for a Friday night!
Daria: (stands up) Do you have anything better planned?
(They start walking back into the school. Jane throws out the cheese ball
container.)
Jane: Actually, I was going to help Trent and Jesse paint that old van of
theirs.
Daria: Isn't it the drummer's van? The Tank?
Jane: Yeah, but now Max wants it to be the *band's* van. They wanted to
paint "Mystik Spiral" all over it. I guess they needed an artist to keep
their van from looking like complete crap.
Daria: I always thought they were going to change the name.
Jane: Then they'll paint over it. And then, ten years into the future, there
will be an inch thick of paint sitting on that awful hunk of metal.
Daria: Maybe I could help. I'm sure my creative genius could come in handy.
Jane: Oh yeah? What ideas do you have for it?
Daria: Um, how about tie dyed?
Jane: Yup, we were going to tie dye a *van*.
Daria: What did Trent and Jesse have in mind?
Jane: They don't know yet. They were going to buy paint today.
Daria: Okay. They don't know what they want it to look like, but they're
still looking for paint.
Jane: They were hoping to be inspired on the way there.
Scene 2 - Now, they're inside the school. They hear a loud thump and a
scream.
Kevin: (offscreen VO) ooowwww!! My arm!!!
Brittany: (offscreen VO) Kevie! Are you okay?
(Jane and Daria rush to see what happened. They find Kevin sprawled on the
floor by the stairs with his arm at a funny angle.)
Kevin: Quick, babe! Get the cops!
Brittany: Umm, shouldn't I get the hospital?
Kevin: Yeah! Get them too!
Jane: Brittany, you better stay here with Kevin. I'll go get some help.
(Jane jogs off, leaving Brittany, Kevin, and Daria behind.)
Brittany: Oooh, Kevie! We have to get you up!
Daria: I don't think that would be a good idea. If we do something to his
arm, he might not be able to play football ever again.
Kevin: Not play football!! No way!
Daria: Yes. What happened anyway?
Kevin: Uh, I fell?
Daria: Obviously.
(Ms. Li hurries over with Jane leading the way.)
Ms. Li: This is a terrible disaster! *Our* star quarterback might not be
able to play ever again! Jane, get Mr. O'Neill. He doesn't have any classes
next hour.
Jane: Sure. (tought VO) I can't wait. (runs down the hall)
Ms. Li: Kevin, where does it hurt?
Kevin: My arm. And my ankle. Oh, yeah. My butt's kind of sore too.
Ms. Li: Don't try to move your arm. You could further injure it.
(enter Mr. O'Neil and Jane)
Mr. O'Neil: (looks worried, but when doesn't he look worried?) Oh, no! Are
you okay?
Daria: (thought VO) He's fine. He just decided to lie down and take a nap.
Kevin: No! I hurt my arm. See?
Ms. Li: Thomas, you'll have to drive Kevin to the hospital. Bring your car
around front, and we'll get Kevin inside.
Mr. O'Neill: Okay, but don't we have to be really careful about...
Ms. Li: Just get moving!!
Scene 3- In Mr. O'Neill's car. Mr. O'Neill is nervously driving, and Kevin
is lying down in the back seat.
Mr. O'Neill: How do you feel?
Kevin: Uh. It kind of hurts a lot?
Mr. O'Neill: No, I mean how does it feel to know you may never be able to
play football again?
Kevin: Oh, I'll play again, Mr. O'Neill. We still have a few games left.
Mr. O'Neill: (looks frustrated) No, I mean your arm.
Kevin: Don't be silly, Mr. O. Of course my arm gets to play football if I'm
playing. It's not like I'm going to take it off.
Scene 4- back at Lawndale High, close to the stairs.
Ms. Li: Miss Lane, you did what needed to be done. I'm proud that our
students have such good common sense.
Jane: Uh, yeah.
Ms. Li: I'm sure Kevin really appreciates your quick thinking.
Jane: (embarrasssed) Yeah.
Ms. Li: Thank you for saving our star quarterback! (looks at watch) You
better get back to class now. (leaves)
(Jane and Daria stop at their lockers, and Brittany follows them.)
Jane: Yes?
Brittany: Thanks for saving Kevie's life!
Jane: I didn't save his life.
Brittany: You didn't?
Daria: He wasn't going to die. He might just loose the ability to play
*football.*
Brittany: But football *is* Kevie's life! I'm a cheerleader, so I have
to date a football player.
Daria: There's sound logic for you.
Brittany: (confused) What?
Jane: Don't you have someplace to go?
Brittany: I'm in the same class as both of you. I think.
Daria: (thought VO) Oh, joy!
(They all get their things and head to class.)
(time lapse)
Scene 5- Jane's house. Jane has a handful of brushes and is leaving her
room.
Trent: (outside VO) Jane! Jesse forgot the silver paint on the table! Could
you bring it out?
Jane: Sure!
Phone: Rrrrriiiiinnnnngggg!
Jane: (picks up phone) Hello?
(split screen Jane and Kevin)
Kevin: Hi. Jane?
Jane: Who is this?
Kevin: It's me, silly!
Jane: Uh...
Kevin: Kevin. The quarterback, you know?
Jane: Yeah. How's your arm doing?
Kevin: They just zapped it, but they didn't get any film yet.
Jane: Huh?
Kevin: Duh! They only do it all the time whenever someone breaks something.
Jane: Oh, you got an X-ray.
Kevin: That's what I said!
Jane: So, what do you want?
Kevin: Um, I wanted to thank you.
Jane: For what?
Kevin: Saving my life.
Jane: (flatly) Kevin, I didn't save your life.
Kevin: Oh, don't be modest. Of course you did! The doctor says that I got
here really fast! I would've been there faster if Mr. O'Neill wasn't driving.
Talk about ssllllloooowwww.
Trent: (VO) Got that paint yet?
Jane: You're welcome. I have to go. See ya.
Kevin: Thanks, bye!
Scene 6- Outside the Lane residence. Jesse, Trent, and Jane are surrounded
with paper and paint, and they're staring at the unpainted van.
(bg music> "Come With Me" by: Puff Daddy (but it sounds like Kashmir because
you don't hear the words)
Trent: Hmmm. How about a flaming skull?
Jesse: Cool.
Jane: What does a flaming skull have to do with Mystik Spiral?
Trent: What does a smiley face have to do with Nirvana?
Jane: Good point.
(enter Daria)
Daria: You could've at least left something for me to do!
Jane: And I'm sure you could've done more.
Daria: What did the drummer want to do?
Jesse: He doesn't care. Oh! I just remembered. I heard that you saved a
guy's life, Jane.
Jane: I didn't save anybody's life!
Trent: You saved someone's life?
Jane: No! All I did was go get the principal when a jock slipped and fell
down the stairs.
Daria: Kevin's life isn't really worth saving anyway.
Trent: I don't know. That's still important. Maybe he broke something.
Jane: I don't know. He just called and
Daria: Kevin called *you*?
Jane: He had to thank me for *saving his life.*
Daria: Oh. (looks at van) How about paisley?
Jesse: Cool.
Trent: Paisley! That's a great idea!
Jane: That's just wrong. I'm not painting anything paisley.
Daria: Plaid?
Jesse: Yeah.
Jane: No!
Trent: (pointed) What do *you* want to do, Janey?
Jane: Hmm. (looks deep in thought) Checkerboard?
Jesse: Cool.
Trent: Yuck. We're not a chess team, we're a rock band!
Daria: (thought VO) I fail to see the difference.
Trent: (to Jesse) Got any ideas?
Jesse: Uh...We could write Mystik Spiral on it.
Trent: (sarcastically) No, really?
Jesse: Uh...
Jane: How about one of those weird black and white spiral things that makes
your eyes bug out to look at it?
Jesse: (still thinking) Uh...
Trent: Yeah! (pauses) No! It might cause accidents. Besides, I don't
think I have enough white paint.
Daria: Why not a skeleton?
Jane: I said no to the skull, and a skeleton isn't much different.
Jesse: (still thinking) Uh...
Trent: Hey! You could paint a portrait of the band!
Jesse: Cool.
Jane: Do you really want your faces on the side of a beat up van?
Jesse: Hey. Don't diss "The Tank."
Trent: At least the police would know we didn't steal it. (laughs then
coughs)
Jane: Wait! I have an idea!
Scene 7- Morgendorffer residence. The family is sitting around the
table.
Quinn: Daria's friend saved Kevin Thompson's life!!
Helen: Really! What happened?
Daria: She didn't save anyone's life. Kevin just fell down the stairs, and
Jane got the principal.
Helen: Was he hurt bad?
Daria: Not bad enough to want to quit football.
Helen: Why don't you hang around Kevin and his buddies more often? He
seemed like such a nice boy when you had him here for the science project.
Daria: Sure, he's nice. (thought VO) If you don't mind talking with people
with only half a milligram of brain capacity.
Jake: I liked him. That Kevin's a real trooper.
Daria: Oh, yeah.
Helen: Jane should feel proud.
Daria: She just feels like she's getting credit for something that wasn't
really important. Brittany was going to get help, but Jane told her to stay
with her boyfriend. I just stood there and did nothing.
Helen: I'm sure you helped out somehow.
Daria: I just told Kevin not to move.
Helen: See?
Quinn: The Fashion Club is going to buy him a Get Well card and some
balloons.
Daria: He'll probably get out before tomorrow, and he's not sick.
Quinn: Then we'll just get him balloons! Geez Daria! Why do you always
have to ruin all of my ideas.
Daria: (thought VO) Because they're bad. (aloud) It's just what I do.
Quinn: Mo-om!
Helen: Daria!
Daria: Dad!
Jake: What did I do?
Scene 8- Jane, Daria, Mack, Jodie, Brittany, and Kevin are at the pizza
place. Kevin has his arm in a sling.
(bg music> "What Kind of Love Are You On?" by: Aerosmith)
Kevin: The doctor said it was just a sprain! But I can't play football for
three more weeks.
Mack: Better than not playing for the rest of your life.
Brittany: At least my Kevie's still a football player! All thanks to Jane!
Jane: Awww... All I did was
Jodie: You did the right thing. You didn't save his life, but you did
the right thing.
Jane: But it doesn't make me a hero.
Jodie: Someone had to do it.
Kevin: Hey! Wanna sign my cast?
Jodie: Kevin, you're not wearing a cast. It's just a sprain remember.
Kevin: Oh, yeah. Wanna sign my sling?
Daria: I don't think we can sign that either.
Kevin: Darn.
Car Horn: beep beep!
Jodie: Isn't that your brother?
Jane: Yeah! You want to see the new paint job?
(Everyone walks outside to see the tank. It's still gray.)
Mack: Well, it's, uh...
Jodie: Didn't it look like this before?
(Trent and Jesse climb out.)
Trent: Isn't it great?
(He leads them to the back where the spare tire cover is painted kind of like
the drummer's bass drum.)
Trent: Daria did the lettering because she has the neatest handwriting.
Daria: (blushes) Yeah. Plus, I didn't have enough talent to paint the
spiral.
Jane: That was done by yours truly!
Daria: Nobody wanted to commit to a whole van job, so we figured the cover
was the next best thing.
Jane: There was no way I was going to paint the WHOLE thing! I didn't want
to end up like Kevin!
(end credits with "My Hero" by: Foo Fighters)