Rating: R for language, and violence

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"Fine!" yelled Pacey, slamming the door behind him, as he ran out into the snow of Capeside's pre-Christmas storm. "I can't believe them," he thought. "Especially not my father. Why is it that everything I do sets him off?" "Why can't you be more like Doug?!" the constant phrase his father used. It had a connotation that brought on everything bad. It was everything that everyone found wrong with him all rolled into one. Doug had perfect grades, he was a perfect gentlemen, he dated good girls, he was a police officer, and he had lived up to everyone of their father's expectations. Most importantly he was everything that Pacey wasn't. "I should have known that would set him off. I was expecting a blow out. I mean one happens every time report cards come out. Was it my fault that he had a bad day at the precinct? Or that his old college buddies had come down for a visit yesterday, which really means they want to brag about how good their kids turned out. Dad can only go on about Dougie for so long before someone has to say "What about Pacey?"

~~~ He replayed the earlier scene in his mind. ~~~

Pacey walked in the door and went straight to his room in a futile attempt to avoid any direct contact with his father. Just as he started to pound up the stairs the loud commanding voice came around the corner.

"Pacey what the hell do you think you're doing? Do you know what I just received in the mail from your high school? I have had a shitty day at the precinct and I come home to this pathetic excuse for a report card. Listen to this. Pacey doesn't apply himself, Pacey isn't working up to his potential. That was from your Marine Biology teacher. He seems to hold you in great esteem

compared to the rest of your teachers. The other teachers are simple and to the point: F, Failure, fools around, distracts other students. And that's the nice part. Oh here's the crowning insult: If Pacey's work doesn't improve dramatically he won't be promoted with the rest of his class. Do you know what the Academy officers will be saying if they look at your transcript and see that

you were held back your sophomore year? You'll be lucky if the fact that your entire family graduated from the Police Academy can get your sorry ass in."

"Dad how many times do I have to fucking tell you?! I don't want to be a God damn police officer. And I don't care what the hell my report card says. Why should I be judged by what I do while sitting in some fucking building for six hours a day? Who's gonna care?"

" So what the hell do you plan to do with your life Pacey? Every man in this family has graduated from the Academy with flying colors. They've all gone on to be brilliant officers. Are your pathetic loser friends filling you up with high and mighty shit so you aren't good enough for your family. Maybe that Dawson Leery kid can talk. his parents seem to be doing okay, at least his mother is.

His father has gotta be some kind of freaking pansy, letting his wife bring in all the money. And that Josephine Potter. You almost gotta feel bad for the bitch what with her sob story. Her family's a disgrace to Capeside. Why couldn't you be on the football team or at least be friends with some of them, like Doug was. But no way in hell is Pacey gonna do anything that might actually require him to look like a halfway decent human-being. You're just a fucking loser. Get the hell out of my sight before I beat you. I wish you'd never been born!"

Pacey slowly drifted back to reality. "Maybe he can trash my friends," he though "but at least they won't trash me.

Pacey started trudging along the familiar road to Dawson's house. Along the way he could see the many signs of Christmas in Capeside. There were decorated Christmas trees and candles in the windows. In one house he could see people smiling at each other around a fire place in a small house. "Please, how much more cliche can you get!" he thought. As he approached the Leery's house he could see a light in Dawson's bedroom.

"Hey Dawson, my man! What's up D?" Pacey climbed in Dawson's window. " Oh Joey hey to you to." Pacey said. Dawson and Joey were wrapped up in each other literally on Dawson's bed.

" Hey Pacey," Dawson said. "you need something? I'm kinda busy here."

"Yeah, I can see that." Pacey smiled devilishly. "So Ice Queen, how's it going? the little Oompa Loompa any good?"

"Bite me, Pacey." said (guess who?!:) Joey.

"You know I might have taken you up on that before, but I'm sure that Dawson here will happily fill in for me." replied Pacey

"So Pacey what do you need? 'cause if it's not important I'd kinda like to get back to, ya know....." Dawson hinted subtly.

"Yeah Pacey, are you in severe pain or something? because we'd like to be left alone, please." said Joey.

Pacey was off and daydreaming. Dawson and Joey were so lucky. They had each other. It used to be the three of them, the Three Musketeers, but now Romeo and Juliet only had time for each other. Good ole third wheel Pacey just didn't fit into the picture anymore. Why couldn't he have what they had? Someone who knew him perfectly, who knew what he wanted, what he needed, what he was thinking.... Someone who loved him because he was Pacey, not because of some stand up comic relief act that he could put on. Why didn't he have anyone to love him? What had he done that he couldn't have any of this? Was there some past transgression that he was being paid back for? Why did he deserve this shitty life with a God damn ass of a father and a closet case brother? What the hell had he done wrong? "Maybe it would be better for everyone if I hadn't been born." he thought. "I just cause my parents pain and embarrassment, my friends don't need me anymore, they have each other. I wish I'd never been born."

"Hey Pacey, where'd you go?" Joey said.

"Pacey, what's a Pacey? and Josephine, what are you doing here?" asked Dawson.

"I have no clue, why I just said that, and I was just giving you the homework the teacher sent in for you. She said since I lived closest to you I should deliver it. Good-bye, ummm David, right?" said Joey looking confused. She turned around and walked out of his room.

"What the hell is going on!" thought Pacey. "Yo Dawson," he yelled in Dawson's face "Come on man, answer me!" "at the risk of sounding redundant, what the hell is going on!" he yelled. Pacey started waving his arms around. Dawson just stood there stunned.

"What was she doing here, I wonder if she can possibly know how much I like her. Naw, not possible. She doesn't even know my name." Dawson said mumbling and wandering round his room.

"Hey Pacey, buddy. Welcome to no-man's land."

"Who the hell is that? Can someone see me?" Pacey asked turning around frantically.

"Yeah man, I can see you, but I'm the only one. Remember your wish buddy? Well be careful what you wish for. It might come true." A body materialized out of thin air and settled down on top of Dawson's TV.

"Who the hell are you, and what the fuck is going on!!" yelled Pacey.

"Hey man cool it okay? the big guy realizes that you got a load of stuff dumped on you right now, but he doesn't appreciate the swearing. The name's Christopher. And you would be Pacey Wit, excuse me the former Pacey Witter. Now you're simply a has been, a used to be , and a never was."

Pacey simply stood there taking in the sights. To his left was a strange looking Dawson sitting on his bed mumbling something about Josephine and some guy named Warren. The room he had practically grown up in had changed. Gone were the Spielberg posters, the scripts lying on the desk, the video camera, the video tapes, and the ET collector's doll. Behind him was the window he could remember climbing in, but there was no ladder. That was another thing. As he looked around he couldn't see a single picture of him or Joey with Dawson. He gathered up his courage and looked to his right. He was still there, sitting on top of Dawson television. How would you describe this guy? He didn't fit into any know forms of categorization. He had straight blond hair to his shoulders, brown eyes, and a dangerous smile. He was wearing baggy jeans, and a dark green T-shirt under a leather jacket, but there were no earrings or anything that

would have classified him as punk. He was holding a Discman and listening to a CD.

"So Pacey, let's get outta here and talk. Call me Chris by the way."

"Why are we leaving, what happened to my friends, What happened to me?..............." Pacey trailed off.

" Look man let's go. " said Chris. "You've never had a wish granted before have you? Why do I always get all the greenhorns?" this last remark was directed upward as though he was talking to someone that was sitting on Dawson's ceiling.

Chris and Pacey walked out of Dawson's room. Along the way they passed Mrs. Leery crying. Mr. Leery didn't appear to be around at all. They stepped pout of the house. The scene out side was not at all similar to the one that Pacey had witnessed earlier on his way to Dawson's. This was not the Capeside that he knew. There were no lights in the windows, things were sort of dirty and grimy. They walked over to a beat up old bench situated beside the dirty polluted creek.

" Okay, what happened to my town, my friends, oh yeah and what the hell happened to me?!" yelled Pacey.

"Hey look Pacey, man I didn't wish it. You did. Remember you wished that you'd never been born. Well this is the outcome. Things change if one little thing is out of place. This is Capeside without you in it. These people have never met you, heard your charm or experienced wit. You're supposed to be the one giving this speech remember? Well here's where things get a little harder to swallow." Chris sighed and braced himself for the speech he was about to give. The one that he hated. " I'm an angel. Angel's don't just spend all their days hanging out on clouds and playing harps. In fact we never get to do that. Unless you have your wings in which case you can do that whenever you're not on duty. But mainly we have to look out for humans. Every so often the Big Guy grants a wish, and then we have to lead around the ones who got it granted. The idea is that you're supposed to learn a lesson."

"Well why couldn't he have granted one of the wishes that I've been making for years? Like that my father would quit ragging on me, or that Joey would really love me, or that I wasn't Capeside's biggest loser." Pacey said, shaking his head.

"Look man, we don't know how or why the Big Guy does what he does, he just does it, and we try to figure it out along with you. Right now ('m supposed to be taking you around Capeside to show you how things have changed now that you no longer exist. Here's some ground rules: first and most importantly. You do not exist. Consider yourself a ghost. None can see us, but we can see them. We can't go through walls, so don't try. My last guy almost gave himself a concussion. Secondly, before you even ask, I don't know if this is permanent or temporary."

"What is permanent or temporary?" asked Pacey, a worried look beginning to spread across his face.

"This state of not existing. You may simply disappear after tonight, like a candle that someone blew out. Or you may possibly, by some slim chance go back to your normal life on earth. That doesn't typically happen, except under special circumstances. Got it?" Chris asked looking at Pacey.

"Well no one really cared about me anyway. What good was I to this town? Let's get this night over with." Pacey said, with a slight shrug of his shoulders.

Chris and Pacey got up from the bench and started walking towards the closest familiar building, the Icehouse. On approaching the restaurant, Pacey could see Bessie and Joey through the window.

"Hey Josephine, why don't you go out tonight," said Bessie looking around the nearly empty restaurant. "It's not like there's anyone here to require service."

"And where would I go Bessie? Home to continuing studying? It's not like I'm ever invited out or anything." said Joey

"Why don't you go to a friends house?" said Bessie. " See if someone wants to go to the movies, anything."

"Bessie, I hate to make you go over this again, because I know it's painful, but I don't have any friends. remember?"

"Josephine, you should at least try to make an effort. Oh yeah, maybe I can become a cheerleader and date some brain dead jock. Joy in the morning."

"What happened to my Joey? Why isn't she best friends with Dawson? and why is everyone calling her Josephine?" Pacey whispered to Chris.

"Don't you remember? You made up that nickname It was the first day of kindergarten."

A little girl wearing overalls with her hair in braids walked into Mrs. Hormon's kindergarten with her mom. "I'll be okay Mommy," said the little girl bravely. "Good-bye Mommy. I'll see you at lunch time." "Good-bye honey," said her mother. "I'll make your favorite, macaroni and cheese." "Thank you Mommy!" The little girl wandered over to the desk with her name on it.

She was sitting right beside Pacey. Man did she have a long name. J..o..s..e..p..h..i..n..e. Wow, and he thought having to write Pacey was bad. He leaned over to talk to her. "hey, macaroni and cheese is my favorite too. My name is Pacey." "My name is Josephine." she said. "You have a really long name," he told her "Do you have a nickname?" "No," she said. "Fine then I'll make one up for you." he said and settled back to think.

Hmmmm Josie? naw she didn't look like a Josie. Josephine was a hard name, but then so was Pacey. Doug just called me loser boy. Hey wait a second! "How about Joey," he asked her. "That's a good name." "I like it," she said smiling. "It's way easier to spell then Josephine. Now if I can convince the teacher to call me that, we're set." She smiled at him, and he almost flipped. That was the beginning of our friendship.

"I can't believe I'd almost forgotten that." Pacey asked.

"What's the matter kid, do you have amnesia or something?" said Chris throwing up his hands in frustration.

"I'd completely forgotten, I mean I remembered the Three Musketeers and everything, but I'd forgotten that it was my doing. I guess that maybe I did do something good for once in my screwed up life." said Pacey looking a bit hopeful.

"Okay kid, you have a really thick skull don't you? Let's go someplace else." said Chris.

They turned around and walked back towards the Leery's house. Chris was humming along to his CD.

"Whatcha listening to? and Why are we going back to the Leery's? asked Pacey

"Everclear, and you didn't get the full effect when we were there the first time. So now we're gonna go see the Leery family in it's misery. They're really not doing to well man." said Chris.

The Leery's house looked strange to Pacey without the ladder up against the side, and the windows were darkened. Normally the Leery's windows would be decked out totally in Christmas decorations, wreaths and lights, but the windows were dark and the shades were pulled down. They walked up the porch and opened the front door. Mrs. Leery was crying on the couch. There was no sign of Mr. Leery.

"What's the matter with her?" asked Pacey

"Well without Dawson having you and Joey as friend, you guys weren't pushing him. He wasn't nearly as successful, and he wasn't being the perfect son either. Mr. Leery began to notice that maybe he didn't have the perfect wife either. He found out about her affair a lot earlier. He left when Dawson was twelve, and she never got over it. He left two days before Christmas and she

spends the days after Thanksgiving moping around and crying." said Chris looking at her pityingly.

"You mean that just because Joey and I weren't Dawson's friends that the Leerys separated three years earlier?" asked Pacey looking confused.

"Yeah, that's what I'm saying, your life had an effect on everyone, directly or indirectly. You can't just disappear without leaving repercussions behind. This is one of them. Oh and you might want to brace yourself, because it gets worse." Chris turned to the stairs with a look of dread on his face as he trudged up them with Pacey close behind.

Pacey took the lead now, bounding up the stairs to Dawson's room. He stopped dead as he entered the room. It could barely be recognized as the room of Dawson Leery, at least the Dawson Leery he used to know.

"What happened here?"

The room was as it had been the first time he left, bare walls, and no videos or scripts laying around. The thing that had changed was Dawson himself. He was wearing dirty crumpled jeans, and a plaid shirt that looked like he'd slept in it, and from the looks of Dawson he probably had. There were bags under his eyes, and his skin was a dead white color. H was just sitting in his desk chair with his head in his hands.

"Dawson doesn't have any friends remember? He had no one to turn to when his parents got divorced. It was bad enough not to have any friends when his parents were okay, but when they got divorced he lost it. He got severely depressed, and has attempted suicide several times." said Chris.

"Dawson, no way man. His head is on too straight for that." said Pacey

"His head was only on straight because of you and Joey. You guys were everything to him." said Chris sadly.

"Well what about Joey? Why isn't she here with him?"

"Because with out you there to be friends with them both, they never really met each other." said Chris.

A little boy walked in the door of their kindergarten classroom clutching his mother's hand. "but Mom, I don't want to go to school. Please don't make me!" he cried. "Look Dawson, honey, even Elliot had to go to school remember?" she said trying to calm him down. He shook his head, his shaggy blond hair flying all over the place.

Pacey looked at the tag attached to the desk on his other side. It read Dawson Leery. "Hey Joey," said Pacey leaning across to whisper in her ear, "The new kid sits next to us. Wanna go talk to him? He looks awfully scared."

"I guess so," said Joey "Anyway his mom was talking about Elliot, you know ET? That's my favorite movie." Pacey and the newly named Joey got up and walked over to Dawson. And the rest is history.

" So you mean that because I was the only one with the guts to go talk to a new kid, that they became best friends? And if I hadn't done that, they wouldn't have been friends?" asked Pacey bewildered.

"I don't no for sure. You may have become friends later on, but without you around they never became good friends, but ironically Dawson has a big crush on the smart loner Josephine. Oh course she doesn't even know that he's alive." said Chris

"There we go, Dawson finally gets a chance to feel all the pain that he caused Joey but isn't this a bit extreme?"

"But Dawson didn't cause Joey pain. Without you there was no one to realize that they belonged together, that she liked him etc.. Remember? Without you they never even met." said Chris exasperated at having to continually repeat himself.

"Let's go somewhere else. I don't think I can stand seeing the deterioration of my best friends." said Pacey turning away and starting down the stairs.

"All right then, follow me. We have one last stop Pacey." said Chris also turning away from Dawson shaking his head.

Chris started singing along with his CD.

"Okay, please tell me that we're not going to see my father, Please Chris, I don't want to do this. Do you think that it's gonna make me feel better to have to watch my family running perfectly? To see that yes they are better without me in their lives? Come on that's gotta be against some sort of angel rules or something." Pacey pleaded

"Calm down man. that's not what you're gonna see. I promise okay? now chill out." said Chris

They walked down the streets of Capeside until they came to a small dirty apartment.

"What are we doing here?" asked Pacey confused. "My family doesn't live here.

"What family?" said Chris looking at Pacey sadly

"What do you mean what family? My family you know the people who beat on me?" said Pacey looking around frightened.

They got to apartment 16B and opened the door. There sat Pacey's father alone at the table with his head in hands.

"What about my mom? my sisters? Deputy Doug? Where are they?" cried Pacey

Your mom and your sisters are in Sacramento. they went to live with your aunt out there. They left your father two years ago after your brother committed suicide.

"What the hell? You mean to tell me that my closet case brother committed suicide? Why? How? Why?"

"He couldn't stand all the pressure that your father put on him. Doug was his only son. All of your father's hopes and dreams landed on his shoulders. Two years ago he decided that he couldn't stand it anymore/ He put his own gun to his head on Christmas Eve. Your father found him lying on the floor in the morning. Some Christmas present." said Chris

"But why did he do it? I mean at home, or when I was alive, but oh whatever, he always had to live up to Dad's expectations, but he didn't commit suicide."

"I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell you, but Doug looked up to you in a way. He saw that you didn't let anything your father said get to you. And he respected that. He respected that you couldn't be broken, and that you had the sense not to care about your father's expectations."

"So Doug committed suicide which caused my mother to leave my father and ship herself, my sisters, and all their belongings to Sacramento, but why is my father alone in this tiny rat-infested apartment?" asked Pacey turning away from the picture of his father to look at Chris.

" Your father also left the police force. He couldn't bear to be a part of the profession that caused his son to kill himself. With out a steady income he couldn't afford the house that your family used to live in. He stays here now, when he's not out at a bar at least. He has a major alcohol problem." said Chris shaking his head.

"Let's get outta here, I have got some serious questions for you." said Pacey turning to leave.

They walked to the docks along the creek. Pacey sat down at the one near Dawson's house, and looked for Joey's rowboat before chiding himself. "Joey wouldn't be over there. She didn't even know that Dawson existed, and Pacey didn't exist for that matter.

"Okay, Chris, you're telling me that because I was never born all these people are miserable, my family no longer exist, Joey and Dawson never were, I can't stand this! Oh and by the way I'm sick of not existing here. There isn't even any good food, I don't get a free T-shirt or anything!" complained Pacey.

"There's the Witter sense of humor I've heard so much about. Now here's the problem. You're supposed to have learned a lesson. Did you?

"Ummm, never make a wish you don't really want cuz the food sucks?"

"Come on Pacey be serious here, we're talking about your entire existence as a human here. Could you at least pretend that you aren't joking around?" asked Chris in annoyance.

Continued