Vampires Suck
by Salatina

Kate carefully adjusted the centerpiece, wanting to ensure that it looked absolutely right. She twisted it a little to the left, a little right, and then settled on keeping the way it had been in the first place.

She straightened and scanned the entire setup. One bottle of chilled champagne, a container of fresh red strawberries, and a small bowl of whipped cream - all neatly arranged around the center: a vase with a single red rose peaking out of the top. The lights in the apartment were turned down, and she'd brought a CD player and some quiet jazz for extra effect. Hanging on the wall by the kitchen table were a well shined length of chain, a spork, and a leather whip, just in case her lover had any -- ideas.

Kate nodded, satisfied that everything was laid out exactly the way she wanted. She smiled to herself, secretly. There was only one thing left to do...

The ancient elevator to Angel's apartment rattled its way upwards, carrying a single dark figure, until it stopped on the appropriate floor. Kate grinned gleefully from her hiding place, waiting until the right moment to spring out and surprise the unknowing victim.

There was a pause, then several quiet steps as the figure exited the elevator. Kate counted to five, then jumped.

"Surprise, Angel!" She thrust her chest outwards, showing off the tiny black leather outfit she had donned. Kate stared lustfully towards the elevator doors, still grinning.

But the person who had just left the elevator was not Angel. Instead, it was a tall, thin woman of nondescript Asian descent, her hair closely cropped to her head. And worse, she was wearing the exact same outfit as Kate.

Her grin faded.

"W-who the Hell are you? Why are you wearing my clothes?" Kate sputtered, desperately trying to hide her barely clad body. The other women raised an eyebrow at the effort.

"My name is Jheira, and I was under the impression that the clothes I am wearing belong to me, not you." Jheira gave Kate a long look, from head to toe. "I take it you're a... friend of Angel's?"

That made Kate angry. "I'm not his friend. I happen to be the love of his life! I was just going to inform him of that today!" The detective made a sweeping gesture over her carefully crafted attempt at seduction.

Jheira blinked, and drew nearer. "I am the only one who has any claim to that vampire."

Kate straightened her back, rising to her full height. "I don't think so, slut girl."

"He's attracted to me!" Jheira fumed, drawing even nearer.

Kate hissed a response, her voice rising shrilly. "He's more attracted to me!"

"I dress better!"

"I don't dress like a hormone-driven freak!"

"He can relate to me more than any other!"

"I can understand him more than you can! We have practically the same job!"

Jheira snorted. "You think being some silly detective for the laws of this world even compares to what I am? He would be crazy to choose anyone over me! He loves me!"

"How could he love you? He's in love with me, I know it!"

Throughout their fighting, neither woman had noticed that the elevator had, once again, arrived on the floor. The occupant of the elevator had heard the last several verbal blows, as he stood next to the open doors. He had been silent until this last assertion from Kate.

"Actually, you're both wrong," Angel said quietly.

Two sets of eyes -- one dark and one light, only similar in their level of shock -- swiveled around to stare at him. Kate's mouth fell open. "What?"

Angel gave her a glance of contempt. "You heard me, Kate. I don't love either of you. I'm in love with a girl named Buffy."

Kate started to stutter. "But-but-"

"Shut up, Kate."

Her mouth continued to work. "You couldn't possibly--"

"Shut. Up. Kate."

Kate's mouth snapped closed, and the otherworldly princess beside her smiled, smugly. The vampire rolled his eyes at the behavior.

"Go back to tending your 'girls', Jheira." He instructed, sternly. The dark-haired woman scowled, but complied, slinking her way down the back stairs and slipping out of the building.

The detective's face brightened. It was her turn to be smug. "Oh! I get it now! You sent her away so that we could be alone."

"No, Kate," Angel said, almost saddened by the stupidity of this particular blond, "I want you to go, too. And take all this -" he waved at the decorations, " - with you."

She pouted, sliding towards the elevator, seductively. "But I want to play... I won't leave until I've gotten the chance to show you how much better I am than that... creature."

Angel looked at her for a moment, face impassive. "Fine." He said, extending a hand to the control buttons of the elevator. The doors closed, and the car began to descend. "I'll go."

Kate stared after him, blankly.

Professor Walsh nodded, approvingly, as Agent Finn and his troops mapped out their layout for capturing the latest Hostile they had encountered on patrol. It was living in a large underground cave complex that stretched from outside of Sunnydale to the fringes of LA.

They were using one of the giant tables in the Initiative complex, a huge map of the forty-or-so miles between Sunnydale and LA splayed across the tabletop. Each soldier in the unit was represented by a twelve inch GI Joe doll, with dog tags and jacket labelled appropriately.

Agent Finn glanced up at her. "In order to make this work, we're going to have to inform our contacts in Los Angeles. We don't want them thinking we're some sort of Hostile army attacking."

Walsh agreed. "Good idea, Agent Finn. I suggest you get right on it."

Finn grinned, pleased that the Professor had given him a compliment. If he had been a dog, his tail would have been wagging energetically.

He snatched up a phone, eager to continue to please Walsh. He dialed quickly, and waited impatiently as the phone on the other side ringed several times.

"LAPD, Detective Lockley," came a groggy voice after the sixth ring. Was that Madonna's "Crazy For You" that Riley heard in the background? Why was a cop listening to that at work?

"Detective, this is Agent Finn." He tried to remember the code phrase. "The daffodils are always so pretty this time of year, aren't they?"

There was a slight sigh from the other end. "But the roses are so much... prettier..." She belched a little at the end of the sentence.

Finn was unsettled about the tone of her voice or the belch, but the words had been the proper response, so he continued. "There will be an offensive launched in your area this evening at seven. Please see that your men are out of the area, unless they have extensive training in repelling Hostiles."

"Hostiles?" The blurry voice returned.

"Vampires." Riley clarified.

"Oh!" The detective's voice grew excited. "You're killing vampires! That's right! You guys told me about that!"

Finn was growing concerned. "Are you all right, Detective Lockley?"

"Oh, sure," there was another belch. "I ju-just had a sip or two of the stuff before I can to work. Not too much. Just a little of the stuff I had set out for him, and some of that nice tomato juice he had in his fridge. Why does one guy need so much tomato juice, anyway?"

"Uh..." Riley didn't know what to say.

"But I wanna kill the vampires!" She muttered. "'Cause vampires suck..."

"Detective, do you have a supervisor that I could speak with?"

"Suuuuure. I understand. You want to leave me, just like he did. I suppose you want to go off and screw some girl named 'Buffy', too, huh?"

Riley froze. "Who?"

"Bu-ffy." Lockley responded, speaking carefully. "Stupid name, huh? Especially for some bimbo who sleeps with vampires... or at least one vampire. Gawd, I'd kill my mother if she named me that."

Finn was shocked. Buffy sleeping with a vampire?

"H-how do you know she's... uh, friendly, with this vampire?"

"Because the bastard blew me off, an' I followed him!" There was a series of several burps, each wetter than the first. The detective eventually continued, "I looked in the window, and there they were, screwing like bunnies! Little slut..."

Riley slammed down the phone.

The End

Tell me how much you hate me.

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