My Magical Wrestlemania Adventures
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. That's how I can explain my Wrestlemania experience, well not the worst part. Anyway, my quest to go to Wrestlemania started back when it was first announced that it would be held in Philadelphia, and that is when I started saving my money for the best ticket I could afford. And seeing how I don't have a job or a steady income, I was in a jam. But fortune smiles upon me as the tickets went on sale around Christmas and since my moron family is too lazy to go to the store to get me something, they gave me money. So here I was 200 dollars richer, and willing to spend it all on one measly ticket. My one friend, who we will call Larry, wanted to get the 400 dollar seats where you get to keep the special Wrestlemania XV chair you sat on. Now I was about to sell my jackass brother to the Chinese children slavery cult for another 200 bucks, but Larry chickened out and we settled for the $100, first level, seats. So of course we end up with the $75 nosebleeder seats, but who gives a shit, I'm going to Wrestlemania.
Fast forward a couple of months to Friday, March 26th when my mom is on the phone with my aunt (who I don't even know) and she does the unthinkable, she volunteers me to rip up my aunt's carpets in her house on Sunday, the day of Wrestlemania. So I freak out because I was going to take a giant dump on Sunday afternoon so I would be fresh that night when I'm crammed in my seat with 20 people on each side of me for five hours, while I'm eating nachos. Then my mom tells me she's paying me 200 bucks, so I say fuck pooping, I can buy me some new pants.
On the way to my aunt's house Sunday morning she tells me that "You only have two bedrooms and the living room to do." "It will only take a couple of hours," she tells me. So I'm like "it better damn it, I got tickets to Wrestlemania." So she says "You like rasslin', huh?". So I say "No, I just spent 75 dollars to go there because I like paying five bucks for 50 cents worth of watered down soda." That was followed by silence until we got to the house
It took twenty minutes to get there and it was noon, so I figured if I hurry I can get done by four, and have time to take a shower and a shit when I get home. So we walk into the house and the living room was the size of my whole house, and the bedrooms were up on the third floor. I start up three flights of steps to see how big the bedrooms were and I'm cursing under my breath because she wants me to carry the carpet back down the stairs when I'm done ripping them up.
I get to work on the one room and I break my cousin's Lego village or whatever the hell it was while I'm moving something, then after a while my aunt tells me she's going to the store but she'll be back. I yell at her that her ass better be back by three-thirty so I can get home by four. While she's gone, I open the up window and toss the carpet out, so there is carpet all over the backyard and I don't give a damn. I finish the one room and start on the other and under the carpet is another carpet. So I'm freaking out and my hands are bleeding, my back hurts, and I had to shit, so I went nuts and pulled on the carpet and the whole thing came up, knocking over a bunch of stuff, and I chucked it out the window.
Fast forward again to three o'clock and my aunt was nowhere to be seen, and I'm like if this slut isn't back in ten minutes, her house is going to feel my wrath. But nine minutes later she came home, and I'm all bloody and sweaty and pissed, but 200 dollars richer and on my way home.
When I finally stumble home I jump in the shower and the water and soap makes my cuts sting and I hear the phone ring. I figure it's Larry and my brother will tell him I'm home but since my brother is a retard he tells Larry that I'm not here. So I get out of the shower, call Larry and his mom answers and she tells me that he went to Wrestlemania. Now I'm about to murder my aunt for making me miss Wrestlemania, then kill my brother for being an idiot when Larry knocks on the door.
I remind the retard to tape HeAT and not Wrestlemania because I know his brain can't remember two things at once so I'll tape Wrestlemania later. I even wrote it down for him nice and big and taped it on the TV and the tape was set up and all he had to do is press record, and if he forgets I'll kill him.
We were about to leave when I realized I don't have a camera, so I ask Ricky Retardo where the camera is and of course he doesn't know. So I end up getting one of those shitty, disposable cameras that I know won't get a good picture, because they suck yet they cost ten bucks, then you have to pay another eight bucks to get the film developed.
Fast forward yet again to when Larry, his two friends and I arrive at the First Union Center and I want to get a Wrestlemania XV shirt, but of course they had 900 "Mr. Ass" shirts and no Wrestlemania shirts, so I end up paying seven bucks for a twelve-page program. We get to our seats and there is a bunch of girls who scream at everything sitting behind us, and a little kid with two old ladies with a sign bigger then him and a retarded "Whooooing" every two seconds sitting in front of us.
The best sign there was hanging over the edge of the second level and it said "RIC FLAIR HAS SLOPPY TITS" written of a bed sheet, but before HeAT started they had to take it down. I took a picture of it but none of the pictures I took from my shitty camera came out. Then they flew that blimp thing all around and people were going insane for some reason, and I found out some sluts were walking down the steps which started a "Show your tits" chant.
Since I was so high up I was looking for the dude with long black hair, and sunglasses, who is at every WWF and ECW show, but I couldn't see him.
Right before HeAT started, Michael Cole and Kevin Kelly came out to "Welcome to the Jungle". The announcer then told everyone that you can't have a laser pointer, so everyone who had one blasted him.
When HeAT started, the retard fell when the fireworks went off, which made me laugh nonstop for the next fifteen minutes, so I missed the opening interview (not that you could hear anything, anyway).
When DX came out the girls behind us were screaming like banshees, the retard was "Whooooing" like a retard and the little boy was jumping up and down with his big ass sign blocking everyone.
The battle royal sucked but the funniest part was when Public Enemy got thrown out in two seconds, but Gillberg lasted ten. And I think that Steve Blackman wasn't supposed to get eliminated, because as soon as he got out he was talking to the ref and Bradshaw then he left and when he got to the back he was talking to Brisco.
The hardcore match was lame. If you step into ECW country then you better turn it up a notch when having a hardcore match. But it was funny when Billy Gunn lost, not because I hate him, but because the girls were about to cry.
The tag match was lame too. But at least Debra was almost naked, she might be old but I ain't a homo.
When they introduced Gorilla Monsoon the place went berserk, even though he's all shrived up like a raisin. But Bart Gunn getting knocked out had to be the funniest thing I ever saw. I knew he would lose, but damn he didn't last thirty seconds. That's a shame. But Gorilla should take Michael Cole's place, him and the King would be great.
Everyone was pissed that Mankind didn't get killed in this match. But you knew he was really hurt at the end because he took off his mask. People were booing the end until Vince got knocked out.
Then there was almost a fight right near were I was sitting, which was cool. And we were so high up that if they were to fight they would of rolled all the way down, and off the second floor. That would of been cool. Plus they sent an old lady to break them up, and she would of gotten killed.
When Chyna joined HHH I thought the retard was going to do a backflip, because he was jumping and Whoooooing so much. And the girls were about to make me go deaf.
I wish I had a recording of the retard when Sable came out, because it had to be the funniest thing I ever heard. He was like "I see boobies" "Boobies" "Boobies".
Some guy got kicked out for having a laser pen which had everyone chanting "Asshole" at him. Then the stupid usher made everyone empty their pockets to see if anyone else had one.
I swear to god that when X-Pac came out I thought that the girl's heads were going to explode, because they were screaming so loud. And when HHH ran out I said he was going to turn on X-Pac and they yelled at me, and when it happened I laughed at them.
When the Brood came down they all got stuck but on the way down but when they went back up Gangel got stuck for like ten minutes and Edge was going up real slow. I took a picture but the camera didn't take any good pictures. When the cage went up Edge got hit by it and Gangel was flapping his arms while Christian was looking at them from the rafters. Then when they went to a promo after the Bossman was hung, the doctors cut him down and they checked his pulse and gave him oxygen then they took him away on a stretcher, it was funny. That was another failed Kodak moment.
The loudest thing I ever heard was when Shawn Michaels came out, it sounded like the apocalypse. The building was shaking, the girls were going insane, the retard was flipping out, even the two old ladies were jumping up and down. I thought they were going to break a hip or something. When he was talking you couldn't even hear yourself think because after ever word everyone went crazy. It was nuts.
Then at the end when the Rock lost, the old ladies and the little boy were high fiveing each other and the retard turned to give me a high five and I held my hand up and when he was about to slap it, I moved and laughed at him. Then we left.
When I got home I checked the tape to see if my brother taped HeAT, but of course he only taped half of it. So I took his gay PokeMon tape and taped over half of it. THE END
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