More Jokes from Joke of the Day: Only in America...

{Note: I am Canadian, and these are only supposed to be small giggle (or an ewwww...) jokes- do not be offended.)

Only In America
 ---------------
 Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster
 than an ambulance...

 Only in America...are there handicap parking places in
 front of a skating rink...

 Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all
 the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

 Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a
 large fry, and a diet coke...

 Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then
 chain the pens to the counters...

 Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
 in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage...

 Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen
 calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
 someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

 Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
 and buns in packages of eight...

 Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines
 with Braille lettering!




How could you rearrange the letters in the words
 "new door" to make one word?

 Answer at the bottom of the page!
 don't peak untill you have given it a good try....





 Sons Of Norway
 ---------------
 Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway
 hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every
 month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the
 monthly drawing.  That is until the last meeting.

 Sven was the first one of the three to get his name
 drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of
 noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs.

 Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip
 tickets to Duluth, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a
 pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble.
 Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven.

 Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a
 toilet brush.

 At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to
 check out how they had fared for the past month. Sven
 said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was
 so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for them dere
 tree days."

 Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem
 tickets. The trip up to Duluth was nice, we got to ride da
 Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on
 dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better,
 I would swear dey were sisters."

 Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize
 worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet
 brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."





Things Not To Say When Pulled Over By The Police
 ------------------------------------------------

 12. When the officer says "gee son... your eyes look red,
     been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with,
     "gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating
     doughnuts?"

 11. "I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
     there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of
     me they are."

 10. "Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one
     of us does."

 9   "Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only
     gave me a warning, too!"

 8.  "I pay your salary!"

 7.  "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"

 6.  "I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
     condition to be a police officer."

 5.  "Are you Andy or Barney?"

 4.   "Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
      up with me. Good job!"

 3.  "Aren't you the guy from the village people?"

 2.  "Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
     plugged in."

     and the number one thing not to say to a cop is-

 1.  "I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer."







Travel Funnies
 ---------------
 Why Americans should never be allowed to travel

 The following are actual stories provided by
 travel agents:

 * I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that
   his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being
   near the window.

 *A client called in inquiring about a package to
  Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she
  asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California
  and then take the train to Hawaii?"

 * I got a call from a woman who wanted to go
   to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of
   the flight and the  passport information when she
   interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you
   look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.
  "Without trying to make her look like the stupid
   one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts,
   Capetown is in Africa."  Her response ... click.

 * A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
   I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
   He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to
   explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the
   middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
   looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

 * I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to
   see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But
   they look so close on the map."

 * Another man called and asked if he could rent
   a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I
   noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas.  When I
   asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,
   "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a
   car to drive between the gates to save time."

 * A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it
   was possible that her flight from Detroit left at
   8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to
   explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois,
   but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
   Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and
   she bought that!

 * A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
   description on your bag so they know who's  luggage belongs
   to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied,
   "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a
   tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is
   there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a
   minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing)
   I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT,
   and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
   her luggage.

 * I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know
   which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant,
   which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but
   none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

 * "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of
    those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to
    Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

 * A businessman called and had a question about the documents he
   needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy
   discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
    "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never
   had to have one of those." I double checked and sure
   enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he
   said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time
   they have accepted my American Express."

 * A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago
   to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words.
   Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
   "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After
   some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am,
   I've looked  up every airport code in the country  and can't
   find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh  don't
   be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent
   scoured  a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
   "You don't mean  Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it
   was a big animal!"