How to Write a College Paper
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1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with 
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.  

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you 
understand it.  

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help 
you concentrate.  

4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your 
friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, 
you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you 
concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-
spaced,and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic 
folders,drop him.  

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable 
chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened 
pencils.  

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you 
understand it.  

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since 
fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the 
way so you can concentrate.  

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.  

9. Listen to one side of your favorite CD and that's it, I mean it, as 
soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.  

10. Listen to the other side.  

11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.  

12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started 
writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the 
course, the university, the world at large.  

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place

with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.  

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your 
tongue; savor its special flavor.  

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing 
something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper 
due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece 
Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these 
exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don 
Ameche.  

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.  

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. 
Discuss the finer points of the plot.  

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.  

19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask 
who everyone is.  

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the 
future.  

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious 
trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.   

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.  

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.  

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the 
sunrise.  

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.