Even more thoughts and ramblings...

 
 If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with
"Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons
and
forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do...write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures
on
the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of
portraits by Picasso.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he
still wrong?

Go ahead and take risks...just be sure that everything will turn out
OK..

No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror
like the passengers in his car.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question........or is it?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Be nice to your kids. They will be choosing your nursing home.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She gets mad if I interrupt
her.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy