Tarnished Armor
Part 110

Belinda’s apartment. The living room. Three in the morning.

The room is dark.

Liza: No.

Liza turns on the floor lamp near the couch and then quickly adjusts the lighting level to be very dim. Her cheeks are tearstained. She wipes the tears away with her hand.

Liza gets up and goes to the closet. She opens the closet and takes out a pair of sweatpants, quickly putting them on over her nightgown. Then she takes out her coat.

Belinda sleepily comes out of her bedroom.

Belinda: Liza?

Liza: I’m sorry I woke you up. Go back to sleep.

Belinda: What are you doing?

Liza: I need to go out.

Belinda: Can’t it wait? Where are you going?

Liza: I don’t know. For a walk. I promise, I won’t drink. But I can’t stay here. This is... this is too hard.

Belinda goes over to Liza and touches her arm.

Belinda: What is it?

Liza: Please. Let me go.

Belinda: Liza?

Liza: In the dark night of the soul it’s always three in the morning, right? Who said that?

Belinda: I don’t know.

Liza: God, I hate him. All those books. And he always knows what I’m quoting.

Belinda: Adam?

Liza: I don’t want to think about him anymore.

Liza begins to cry again.

Liza: Oh, God, make it stop.

Belinda hugs Liza. Liza pulls away from her and begins to walk around the room.

Liza: I don’t want to think about this. How am I supposed to think about this?

Belinda: Let me help you.

Liza: All those months of sleeping in his arms, listening to her breathe, and feeling ... safe. You know?

Liza pushes the next word out.

Liza: Loved. But he can’t ... he doesn’t ... he’s incapable of love.

Liza sits down on the couch. She turns to Belinda.

Liza: He ...

Belinda: Adam?

Liza nods.

Belinda goes and sits on the couch.

Belinda: What is it?

Liza closes her eyes.

Belinda hugs her. Liza falls apart.

Liza: Oh God. I can’t believe I thought he loved me.

Belinda: He does love you.

Liza: No, he doesn’t.

Belinda: Believe me, in his way, he loves you.

Liza: Well, that’s even worse. Because ... because ...

Belinda: You can tell me.

Liza: My whole life ... he’s the only one... and if this is who he is ... what does that make me?

Belinda: I told you that you were too damn good for that man. And did you listen?

Liza: No.

Belinda: Do you know why you didn’t listen?

Liza: Because I was an idiot.

Belinda: Sometimes when you’re an idiot, you’re right.

Liza: Dream on.

Belinda: Because you know deep down inside that you two are connected in a way that’s God given.

Liza: Believe me, God has nothing to do with this.

Belinda: Well, Buddha then. Or something bigger than us.

Liza: He takes away every shred of anything good in me.

Belinda: But he’s the one who puts the good in, too. I think you know that.

Liza: No. No. You don’t know. And I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want to think about ...

Belinda: Colby?

Liza: I hate myself. Because I know that deep down, in that place that I can barely admit exists in myself, I wish...

Belinda: What is it? You can tell me.

Liza shakes her head.

Liza: Oh, God, I’m not even human! He took even took that away. What kind of mother...?

Belinda doesn’t speak.

Liza: What kind of mother wishes their child had never been born?

Belinda’s eyes fill with tears.

Liza: Oh, God. I didn’t...

Liza grows silent.

Liza: I do. I do mean it.

Liza begins to cry harder.

Liza: But why? And why did he do it? And why am I the one who’s left with all of the feelings and all of the hate? I don’t know what to do. What am I supposed to do?

Liza falls into Belinda’s arms. Wordlessly, looking puzzled and sad, Belinda hugs her.

Tarnished Armor Index
Part One Hundred and Nine
Part One Hundred and Eleven