Tarnished Armor
Part 146

Adam and Liza’s bedroom.

Liza is lying in bed, curled up on her side, and crying.

Adam enters the room with a mug. He goes to the bed and sits beside Liza.

Liza: Take it away.

Adam: It won’t fix things, but it will help you rest.

Liza: No alcohol. I promised Belinda.

Adam: It isn't alcohol. I promise.

Liza slowly sits up. She looks at the mug and bursts into tears.

Adam: What? What is it?

Liza: Milk.

Adam: I know it’s milk.

Liza: I’m sorry. Let me...

Liza reaches for the mug. She looks at it. And then she holds it under her chin and blows on it. She looks at Adam.

Liza: How do you do this? How do you manage when every little thing...?

Adam: Take a sip.

Liza takes a sip of the milk.

Liza: You did it. With Lottie, right? How did you do it?

Adam: It was different with Lottie.

Liza: What do you mean?

Adam: Drink some more and I’ll tell you.

Liza: I’m not a child.

Adam: I know that. Drink some more.

Liza drinks some more of the milk.

Adam: I know you’ve been through a terrible death before. With your father. And that was different, wasn’t it?

Liza nods.

Adam: This is very hard for me. And I don’t want anyone to know. You’ll understand why when I tell you. Drink some more.

Liza takes another sip.

Adam: You know about my mother’s death. Did I tell you about my father’s?

Liza: No.

Adam: We were working together in the coal mines. And he died pretty quickly. But he asked me to do one thing before he died. He told me to take care of the family. And I promised him that I would. So after he drew his last breath, there was no choice about what I had to do. He had told me what was important. We needed to get money quickly. Stuart, Lottie and I. So I went off and began to work to support us. Everyone knew, even then, that Stuart was the one who was good with people. I was the one with ambition. So it made sense to entrust the heart of the family to Stuart. I should have never let them down that way. A family isn’t measured by how much money you acquire, or how much physical comfort. Lottie was in trouble. I didn’t know how much.

Liza: Trouble? Because of Ross?

Adam: She was pregnant with Ross, yes. But that’s not what I mean. She was abandoned by Palmer. He... he did the same thing I did to you. He denied he was the father of her child. You see? No matter how much of a monster I believe Palmer to be, I’m even worse. Because I loved you, and I had known what Palmer’s accusations had done to Lottie.

Liza: No. It was different with Lottie.

Adam: No. It wasn’t.

Liza: There was our history. We had been lying each other since before we were married.

Adam: Don’t excuse my actions, Liza. You and I both knew that the child you were carrying was mine. And I knew that I loved you. What kind of monster tries to destroy the one good thing that happens with the woman he loves?

Liza: I knew I loved you, too. I never said it.

Adam: You told me that the child was mine. And I...

Liza touches Adam’s cheek.

Liza: No. What happened with Lottie was different. I know. You can’t compare the two things.

Adam is silent for a while.

Adam: I’ve done worse to you since then, haven’t I?

Liza doesn’t say anything.

Adam: I have.

Liza: Lottie.

Adam: Lottie. I wish you could have known her. But that’s always the way it is with people you truly love at different times in your life, isn’t it? She was very committed to everyone she loved. When she loved someone, there was no telling her what to do about it, because she had already acted upon it. Can you imagine what kind of woman she would have become?

Adam looks away.

Adam: I left Stuart alone with Lottie. By the time I came back, everything was over. Lottie had taken her life, and Stuart was out of his mind with the thought that he had been unable to stop it. He just didn’t know enough to know how bad off she was. It drove him mad. Everyone that my father had left as a legacy to me was destroyed. And it was my doing.

Adam looks at Liza again.

Adam: It was horrible. I had left them one way. Lottie, this carefree and open spirit, and Stuart, this gentle and loving boy. And when I came back, both were gone.

Adam looks away from Liza for a moment. And then he turns back to her.

Adam: Let me tell you something. There is no greater crime than destroying everyone you love. And I do it. Again and again. So you see, I had to go on. I had to help Stuart. I had to raise Ross. I had to make up for everything I had ruined.

Adam takes Liza’s hand.

Adam: But it’s different with you. Belinda died for no reason. And you have no cause for feeling like you’ve failed. But the thing that should take you through all of this is the wonderful gift Belinda gave you. She gave you everything she was. There are things you know about yourself and about Belinda that no one can take away from you. And you’ll want to give them to Colby when she’s older, won’t you?

Liza: I wanted Belinda to give them to her.

Adam: She will. Through you. Because in spite of everything you believe to be true, you deserved Belinda. There is so much that is good and precious within you. I can see it. Why can’t you?

Liza: It isn’t there.

Adam: Oh, yes it is. Why do you think Belinda was so hell-bent on Colby having you back in her life? Because she knew. She knew what the best of you is. It’s always there. And it’s not only Colby who needs it. Everyone you touch will be changed by it. And that’s how Belinda lives. You pass her on to others in the things you do.

Liza puts the mug down and lies back down on her side. She closes her eyes.

Adam: You must be tired.

Liza: Yeah. It doesn’t seem right. Sleeping.

Adam: It is.

Adam stands.

Adam: Well. I’ll leave you here. You need your rest.

Liza opens her eyes.

Liza: No.

Adam: You should rest.

Liza sits up.

Liza: No. Don’t leave me.

Adam: All right. I can stay until you fall asleep.

Liza: No. I mean always.

Adam: Liza...

Liza: Don’t you leave me. Don’t you leave me alone. Please.

Liza begins to cry.

Liza: Please don’t do it, Adam. Please. I need you.

Adam sits down and hugs Liza.

Adam: Ssh. You’ll be all right.

Liza: No, no, I won’t. You have to promise me. You said we were partners. What would I do?

Adam pulls back and looks into Liza’s eyes.

Adam: Liza...you need someone who will give you everything you deserve. Someone who is good and honest and brave.

Liza: I don’t want that. I want you.

Adam: Liza.

Liza: You know. You know what I mean. I’m you. You could have had someone like Brooke. But you chose me. Why?

Adam: Because you’re the most precious person I’ve ever met. But I can’t be that for you.

Liza: Deliriously happy or deliriously miserable. That was the deal. Because you make me feel alive.

Adam: Liza, there are good people who provide that kind of inspiration.

Liza slaps Adam. Adam touches his hand to his cheek and stares at her.

Liza: You are such an idiot.

Adam: I’m right.

Liza: You think... you think that this kind of love is simple and easy to come by? For people like us?

Adam: I --

Liza: Shut up. Are you saying you don’t love me?

Adam: Of course I love you.

Liza: The way I love you?

Adam: I love you more than I love my life.

Liza: Then what the hell are you thinking? How could you ever leave me?

Adam: Because it’s best for you. You know that.

Liza: Now you’re telling me what to think?

Adam: No, I just think that... that you’re very emotional right now. You’re not thinking clearly. And that’s understandable. But if you think back to before you lost Belinda --

Liza: Please stay.

Adam looks away from Liza.

Liza: Please. Don’t you love me?

Adam doesn’t answer.

Liza turns away from him and cries.

Adam turns and faces her. He puts his hand on her shoulder.

Liza pulls away from him.

Liza: I don’t want to love you if you’re going to go away.

Adam sits down on the bed next to Liza. She moves away to the other side of the bed.

Liza: Everyone leaves.

Adam lies down next to Liza and puts his arms around her.

She turns to face him and buries her head in his jacket.

Liza: Why do they leave?

Adam kisses the top of her head.

Adam: I’m right here.

Liza: I want Belinda to come back.

Adam: I know.

Liza: She didn’t want to die.

Adam: I know.

Liza rests her head against Adam’s chest.

She’s quiet for a moment.

Liza (softly): We said good-bye. We got to say good-bye.

Adam kisses the top of Liza’s head. She closes her eyes. Adam strokes her hair.

Tarnished Armor Index
Part One Hundred and Forty Five
Part One Hundred and Forty Seven