The (IN)Famous Dolphin Code....

A Souvenir of Association with Travellers in Tubular Steel Who Did It Better.....

The Dolphin Codes:

1. YOUR LAST SURFACING PROCEDURE WAS:
A. FIRST CLASS
B. SURPRISINGLY GOOD
C. UNDERSTANDABLY AWFUL
D. INDESCRIBABLE

2. I PRESUME YOU GOT YOUR TICKET IN A RAFFLE.

3. FOR THE LAST SERIAL YOU COULD HAVE USED ANY FISHING VESSEL.

4. MY BATTERY IS:
A. 100%, I WILL SIMULATE A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE IF YOU WISH.
B. 75%, I WILL SIMULATE A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE FOR A SHORT TIME IF YOU WISH.
C. 50%, I WILL NOT SIMULATE A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE, REGARDLESS OF YOUR WISH.
D. 25% I WISH TO SIMULATE A CONVENTIONAL SUBMARINE AND WILL HOT-PIPE YOU IF YOU WISH.
E. DEAD, I HOT-PIPE NOW, REGARDLESS OF YOUR WISH.

5. I WAS UNAWARE THAT MEDICAL STANDARDS HAD BEEN REVISED. YOU MUST BE BLIND AS A BAT.

6. DURING THE LAST ACTION YOU DISPLAYED NOTICEABLY SUICIDAL TENDENCIES.

7. ONCE AGAIN YOU HAVE DEMONSTRATED A COMMENDABLE ABILITY TO PRACTISE BASICS.

8. THE LAST SERIAL WAS SO BAD THAT WE WATCHED A DOUBLE FEATURE.

9. YOUR EXERCISE INSTRUCTIONS ARE SIMPLE. SIMPLY AWFUL.

10. I AM UNABLE TO ACT AS EVASIVELY AS I WISH.

11. I AM UNABLE TO ACT AS UNEVASIVELY AS YOU WISH.

12. I AM SURFACED (SURFACING) BECAUSE:
A. I MUST MAKE REPAIRS.
B. I WISH TO BAIL OUT WATER.
C. YOUR CHANCES OF LOCATING ME ARE NEGLIGIBLE OTHERWISE.
D. I WISH TO BARBECUE THE NEXT MEAL.

13. I MUST TEMPORARILY WITHDRAW FROM THE EXERCISE BECAUSE OF DIFFICULTIES WITH:
A. TECHNICAL SYSTEMS WHICH ARE DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN.
B. BATTERY/MOTORS/GENERATORS. I NO GO RIGHT.
C. SONAR. I NO HEAR RIGHT.
D. INGRESS OF WATER. I NO FLOAT RIGHT.
E. FIRE/SMOKE. I NO BREATHE RIGHT.
F. PERSONNEL. I NO LEAD RIGHT.

14. PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES FOR FAILING TO MAKE THE ASSIGNED RENDEZVOUS. MY REASON IS AS FOLLOWS:
A. THE NAVIGATOR IS A NEWFOUNDLANDER.
B. I WAS DOING SOMETHING ELSE AT THE TIME AND DIDN'T THINK YOU'D MISS ME.
C. I ERRONEOUSLY ASSUMED THAT YOU WOULD BE WHERE YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE.
D. MY NAVIGATIONAL EQUIPMENT HAS NOT BEEN UPDATED SINCE THE BOER WAR.

15. IF YOU DON'T ASK ME TO RAISE MORE MASTS I WON'T ASK YOU TO FLY WITH YOUR WHEELS IN THE WATER.

16. YOUR LAST ATTACK IS AS FOLLOWS:
A. EXCELLENT, WITHIN 500 YARDS.
B. GOOD, WITHIN 1000 YARDS.
C. MARGINAL, 1000 TO 2000 YARDS.
D. POOR, OVER 2000 YARDS.
E. AWFUL, OVER 3000 YARDS.
F. UNMEASURABLY DISTANT.

17. IT IS DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU AND I ARE OPERATING IN THE SAME OCEAN.

18. YOUR MESSAGE (DTG):
A. APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN DRAFTED HASTILY.
B. DOES LITTLE TO FOSTER GOOD RELATIONS.
C. IS A SHINING EXAMPLE OF ILLITERACY
D. IS NOT HELD BY THIS UNIT.
E. IS HELD BY THIS UNIT, BUT WE WISH IT WASN'T.
F. REQUIRES THE SORT OF REPLY I'M NOT USE TO MAKING.
G. WAS A CRIPPLER.

19. WHEN WE WERE SURFACE SAILORS WE ALSO USED TO DO SILLY THINGS.

20. IF YOU DECIDE TO GRADUATE TO ADVANCED EXERCISES, PLEASE HIRE A DIFFERENT SUBMARINE.

21. IF YOU ASK FOR ANOTHER SMOKE, I'LL SCREAM.

22. SUBMARINERS NEVER CHEAT AND RARELY LIE.

23. IT'S A PITY THAT IN WARTIME WE'D BE ON THE SAME SIDE.

24. YOUR APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM WAS IMPOSSIBLE BUT TACTICALLY SOUND.

25. YOUR HELICOPTER:
A. FRIGHTENED ME.
B. YOUR HELICOPTER DIDN'T FRIGHTEN ME.
C. I FRIGHTENED YOUR HELICOPTER.
D. I WASN'T AWARE YOU HAD A HELICOPTER AIRBORNE.

26.
 A. THANK YOU FOR YOUR VALUABLE ASSISTANCE.
B. HAD ASSISTANCE BEEN RENDERED, I WOULD HAVE BEEN GRATEFUL.
C. NO THANK YOU, I DO NOT REQUIRE ASSISTANCE.
D. PLEASE DO NOT RENDER ASSISTANCE. I NEED YOUR HELP LIKE A HOLE IN THE HEAD.

27. YOU HAVE BEEN ON TASK FOR SEVERAL HOURS. YOU MUST BE SUFFERING TERRIBLY FROM CREW FATIGUE.

28. WE HAVE BEEN ON TASK FOR SEVERAL WEEKS. NEXT WEEK WE WILL PROBABLY BEGIN TO SUFFER FROM CREW FATIGUE.

29. TRACKING WITHOUT ATTACKING IS THE COMMONEST FORM ON MILITARY MASOCHISM.

30. I SUPPOSE THE WORSENING WEATHER WILL MEAN YOU'LL HAVE TO STOP THE WAR.

31. THE ADVERSE WEATHER IS AFFECTING US GREATLY: THE MOVIE PROJECTOR HAS TIPPED OVER TWICE.

32. IF YOU'RE SO GOOD, WHY AREN'T YOU IN SUBMARINES?

33. SUBMARINERS DO IT DEEPER.

34. SUBMARINERS THINK DEEPER.

35. DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE.

36. SUBMARINERS ARE SUPER.

37. SUBMARINERS HAVE BIGGER BALLS.

38. DIESEL BOATS FOREVER.

39. BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL.

40. BREAKER ONE NINE, THIS IS RUBBER DUCK. I THINK WE GOT US A CONVOY.

 41. TEN FOUR.

42. PLEASE BE GENTLE, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME.

43. WE THINK THE WATER HAS BEEN SUFFICIENTLY ENSONIFIED. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

44. YOU HAVE THE UNCANNY ABILITY TO COMPLICATE A VERY SIMPLE EXERCISE.

45. INTELLIGENCE IS A GOD-GIVEN GIFT. DOORKNOBS ARE MAN-MADE. MENTAL MIDGETS ONLY HAVE GOD'S LOVE. IS MY POINT CLEAR.

46. AFTER WORKING WITH YOU I NOW REALIZE WHY SOME ANIMALS EAT THEIR YOUNG.

47. MY CO AN XO CAN OUTDRINK YOUR CO AND XO.

48. WHEN SOMEONE IS AS GOOD AS ME IT'S HARD TO BE MODEST.

49. HAPPINESS IS 500 FT. IN A FORCE 12.

50. WITH FRIENDS LIKE YOU, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES.

51. DON'T KNOCK A STERN SHOT UNTIL YOU'VE FIRED ONE.

52. IF YOU PROVIDE THE WATER, I'LL PROVIDE THE:
A. SOAP.
B. TOWELS.
C. 60 DIRTY BODIES.
D. WHISKEY.
E. ALL THE ABOVE.

53. G.O.Y.A. (Get Off Your Ass)

54. D.B.S.F.W. (Don't Be So Fucking Wet)

55. B.U.F.F.S. (Buck Up For Fucks Sake)

56. P.P.P.P.P.P. (Poor Planning Perpetuates Piss Poor Performance)

57. S.M.F. (Smart Mother Fucker)

58. WITH SUB KILLERS LIKE YOU AROUND, I LOOK FORWARD TO A LONG LIFE.

59. MISSED ME AGAIN!

60. GO I GO HOME NOW.

61. WE MAY BE SMALL, BUT WERE SLOW.

62. MY BARK IS WORSE THEN MY BITE.

63. I WAS DELAYED RETURNING TO PERISCOPE DEPTH BECAUSE:
A. A LARGE WHALE WAS HOLDING ME DOWN.
B. I FORGOT TO VENT MY DEPTH GAUGE.
C. I WAS WAITING FOR THE LAST REEL TO FINISH.
D. I HAD TO RESOLVE MY PLOT.
E. I WASN'T SURE IF KNEW THAT YOU KNEW WHERE I WAS.
F. I WANTED TO ANNOY YOU.

64. MANY THANKS FOR:
A. YOUR KIND HOSPITALITY.
B. THE NEWSPAPERS.
C. THE SKIN BOOKS.
D. NOTHING.
E. THE OPORDER.

65. EXCUSE ME SIR, BUT I THINK YOU HAVE CONFUSED ME WITH SOMEONE WHO GIVES A DAMM.

66. MY REPORTS/REPLY/MESSAGE/LETTER WAS (WILL BE) LATE FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:
A. WRITERS CRAMP.
B. TYPEWRITER UNSERVICABILITY DUE TO OVERHEATING.
C. MY PRIORITY LIST DID NOT COINCIDE WITH YOURS.
D. WE DID NOT THINK YOU WOULD NOTICE.
E. I PLAIN FORGOT.
F. THE XO PLAIN FORGOT.

67. R.P.C. FOR:
A. NOON COCKTAILS.
B. INFORMAL OPERATIONAL DISCUSSION.
C. POST-EXERCISE PUNCH UP.
D. LIGHT MEAL AND REFRESHMENTS.
E. SARNIES AND SLUDGE.

68. M.R.U. BECAUSE:
A. I AM OTHERWISE OPERATIONALLY COMMITTED.
B. I AM OTHERWISE SOCIALLY COMMITTED.
C. YOUR LAST SUCH EVENT WAS DISASTROUS.
D. I AM UNABLE TO MAINTAIN YOUR PACE.
E. I DO NOT WANT TO COME.

69. W.M.P.:
A. YOU OFFER SO FEW INVITATIONS, I CAN NOT AFFORD TO PASS THIS ONE UP.
B. LET'S DO IT AGAIN.
C. FOR AS LONG AS YOU WILL HAVE ME.
D. WITH BELLS ON.

70. YOUR SOCIAL EVENT WAS:
A. FIRST CLASS. THANK YOU.

B. DISASTROUS AS EXPECTED.
C. ONE WHICH SHOULD NOT BE REPEATED.
D. MOST DETRIMENTAL TO HEALTH.
E. A CRASHING BORE. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

71. UNBELIEVABLE. WILL ADVISE MR. RIPLEY.

72.
A. VERY WELL DONE.
B. WELL DONE.
C. WELL DONE SORT OF.
D. NOT WELL DONE.
E. BADLY DONE.
F. VERY BADLY DONE.
G. DO NOT DO IT AGAIN.

73. HAVE LOST BUBBLE. WILL RETRIEVE.

74. BUBBLE FOUND.

75. WHAT CAN I SAY?

76. REASON(S) ARE AS FOLLOWS:
A. I GOOFED.
B. XO GOOFED.
C. SOMEBODY GOOFED.
D. INATTENTION, FOR WHICH SOME SON-OF-A-BITCH WILL PAY.
E. TEMPORARY DECLINE IN USUAL HIGH STANDARDS.
F. ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF USUAL LOW STANDARDS.
G. I THOUGHT I COULD GET AWAY WITH IT.
H. MISDIRECTED MALAPROPISM.
I. LAPSUS LINGAE.

77. THIS PORT IS:
A. FANTASTIC. BETTER NOT SEND SURFACE SHIPS HERE.
B. OUTSTANDING. CAN WE COME AGAIN?
C. REASONABLE.
D. NOT THE SORT OF PLACE SUBMARINES SHOULD VISIT.
E. HOSTILE.
F. ONLY GOOD FOR STORM AVOIDANCE.

78. WISH YOU WERE HERE.

79. BET YOU WISH YOU WERE HERE.

80. GLAD YOUR NOT HERE. ??