NWS Budget Radically Slashed in Surprise, Bipartisan Move!
Possum Trot, AR
In a surprise, bipartisan move, the NWS budget was radically slashed today paving the way for higher government
salaries and new interns.
A person not a spokesman for Senator Jesse Helms (R-SC) stated that Congress was moved to act after hearing rumors
of explicit, weather related orgies and potentially suggestive behavior. A leader of the Action Coalition for Decent
Climatology (ACDC) stated that "all these references to ‘The Meatwagon' and ‘violent tornadoes' are potentially
corrupting to the youth of America and we do not want our tax dollars used to support forecasts and behaviors which
are destructive to the fabric of our great society."
The Whitehouse, after vowing to "get to the bottom of all this tail chasing in Texas" signed into law
radical new tornado control measures. "Slashing the budget of the powerful weather lobby, headed by the NWS,
is the first step in protecting our communities and saving our children" declared Dana Grady, head of the
Tornado Control Institute. Grady was seriously injured by a tornado in 1982 after she took shelter by lashing herself
to a pipe in a rural pumphouse.
President Clinton echoed those sentiments in a brief Rose Garden speech before signing the new budget and legislation.
President Clinton shortly after vowing to "personally investigate all this tail chasing"
The new legislation bans all F4 and larger tornadoes, and requires a five day waiting period before a supercell
is allowed to initiate tornado genesis.
The deep budget cuts and restrictive legislation has resulted in austerity measures at the NWS and its various
associated organizations. A number of long term forecasters and researchers have been downsized and less costly
forecasting equipment has been installed.
As part of this extensive reorganization, the Storms Prediction Center announced the termination of all employees
and their replacement by Ole Bossy, a two year old, Guernsey/Herford heifer formerly owned by Mr. "Pa"
Eiseley of Possum Trot, Arkansas. "We're real proud of Ole Bossy" said "Pa" in a recent interview
"and this means we won't hafta keep rennin' her back off the highway." Ole Bossy's salary was not disclosed
Ole Bossy, the new SPC coordinator
shortly before issuing a severe thunderstorm watch
"Downsizing has been difficult for all of us" stated former NSSL meteorologist Kevin Scharfenburg, "especially
in light of our replacements. Sure, they can make the public believe we are getting kinder, gentler weather, with
greater accuracy and less cost, but don't kid yourself, cows, wooly bears, potatoes, and the flight of birds do
not come cheap." Scharfenburg further disclosed that Ole Bossy's salary of 20 acres of pasture, alfalfa hay,
and molasses laced sweet corn was "a damn sight more than I ever made."
Scharfenburg was later arrested on conspiracy and terroristic threatening charges when he was discovered near the
southwest corner of Ole Bossy's pasture armed with a steak knife and USDA beef chart.
When asked what she thought of the controversy surrounding her appointment, Ole Bossy replied by chewing her cud,
mooing with alarm and laying down under a nearby oak tree. Her actions prompted SPC to issue a severe thunderstorm
watch for the surrounding area until the cows came home.
back/next
>Sturmjaeger
