page 20
copyright George R. Hoelzeman 8 May 2000
ET vs. S.W.In.E. Ass'
Editorial comment from Lou Limpear
A few years ago I was working as a photographer and reporter for Limpear Productions,
which, although it subsequently went into bankruptcy for reasons which are sealed by the State Department for the
next forty years, had a national circulation. The assignment on which I was sent was to investigate and report
on Extra-Terrestrial storm chasers and the chase tours which were being sponsored by these same alien life-forms.
I would like to say that this experience was one of exhilaration and self-promotion. Unfortunately nothing could
be further from the truth.
Gray storm chasing got its start after stray broadcast signals of "The Wizard of Oz" transversed interstellar
space arriving at Alpha Centauri sometime in the mid 1970's. Subsequently, well-healed residents of that world
attempted to finance their newfound interest in earthly severe weather. Their arrival in the plains was delayed
due to an unfortunate decade and a half searching for a small dog and yellow space bricks.
The tour I was unfortunate enough to be part of was characterized by incessant and rapid directional changing,
occasional town buzzing, periodic stops at US and Russian military bases and genetic experiments on trailer park
denizens. The leaders of the tour through all of this were completely oblivious to the dangers of the moment or
the emotional state of the some two dozen German and American tourists.
In addition to the various groans and screams of test subjects abducted from various rural areas and mobile home
villages, the horror was increased by the adrenaline induced frenzy of the tour leaders and alien crew. Whenever
a large storm or group of UFO afficionados was sighted, the tour "guides" would break into an excited,
ritual chant of "hooty-hoo, hooty-hoo." When they reappeared after a brief disappearance, their flight
skills would become more erratic and their level of caution was significantly reduced. They also seemed unusually
hungry.
The various tourists were nearly catatonic with fear, which increased with each new encounter with a storm. One
short German gentleman (who other tourists kept pointing out was really Austrian) became so agitated that he began
screaming about obedience to the State, threatening invasion and postulating about the religious background of
the tour's hosts. His wife, Eva, tried to comfort him with small talk and cocaine laced eye-drops but to no avail.
Heroically, two Americans bravely tried to console the entire contingent of tourists by performing songs and fostering
a dance-party atmosphere. One gentleman, who sweated profusely and sported mutton-chop sideburns, sang dramatic,
pelvis thrusting renditions of ballads about sorrowful hotels and hound dogs. To the delight of all, the other
would-be performer (Jim was his name I believe) broke into a bizarre tune about storms which, while strangely hypnotic,
also spooked the tour "guides" with references to "killers on the road" and warnings about
not providing transportation to hitchhikers. In spite of this, most of the tourists continued to register their
anxiety and fear with regular naps and loud, overcompensating comments about boredom and questions about when the
hell were we going to get there.
There was, however, one aspect of this horrific experience which I found enlightening and reassuring. That was
witnessing first hand the efficiency and professionalism of the amateur storm searching group (sponsoered by Limpear Productions) known as the Severe Weather Interception
and Exploration Association (S.W.In.E. Ass'). This group, of which I was president
and sole stockholder at the time, was known for its contributions to storm awareness and research. Members communicated
via cell phone, CB radio, and occasionally amateur radios. In fact, member's communication was so excellent that virtually no one interrupted the almost constant stream of dialouge.
S.W.In.E. Ass' members (sponsored by Limpear Productions), unlike the ET chasers I
was with, do not plunge headlong into interstellar space, but very carefully report on storms while at a safe distance.
When observing a storm, regardless of its size or strength, they immediately begin sending reports to the NWS,
local and state police, as well as friends and relative within two states of the area. During the notorious May
3 outbreak in Oklahoma, S.W.In.E. Ass' members sent in many useful reports of conditions in Missouri, Alabama and
even West Virginia. I myself, from a location in a basement near Calico Rock, Arkansas, reported information reported
to me from friends watching television near Lake Texoma in southeast Oklahoma. In fact, one member in Possum Grape,
AR was first to report the weekly siren test.
One of the principle tools of S.W.In.E. Ass' is the laptop computer. This handy tool allows the interceptor to
constantly monitor their e-mail as well as receive valuable information from various E-Bay auctions and porn sites.
The various tourists were fascinated by the information I was able to receive and send with this device. Their
interest was particularly peaked when I demonstrated my method of large scale distribution of e-mail advertising
for the various companies represented by Limpear Productions. In fact, their excitement
for this demonstration became so over enthusiastic that I was accidentally bumped about the head and neck with
some force by the fists of several tourists and my laptop was inadvertently trod upon repeatedly.
Later, in my hospital room, I spoke with a number of doctors and nurses who were not only incredulous that such
alien tours existed but were equally interested in my Internet activities through Limpear Productions.
Sadly, during one evening of particularly intense excitement during which I sent notes of affection to nearly
two million e-mail accounts, the party-like atmosphere got out of control and I was accidently shoved off the hospital
roof and into a parked garbage truck. This, however, proved a fortunate coincidence. Over the next several years
recovering in the alley, I met several undercover investigators who were equally aware of the ET threat, revealing
to me that not only did aluminum foil reflect their evil mind-control transmissions, but that the large, fiberglass
cow at Bossy Burger was telling people to take action against aliens disguised as solitary humans in parking decks.
This article is not meant to criticize or attack anyone but to report the truth as I saw it (sponsored by Limpear Productions). After all, during this experience I was seeking God and my lost shaker
of salt. Some people claim there was a woman to blame, but now I know it was my own damn fault.
Lou Limpear, reporter at large
ed. note: Photos for this editorial were seized by the FBI. Mr Lampear has notified us that he now has a suite
at the exclusive Bedlam Bridgeway Center.