COCKpit

"Just remember, First Class doesn't stop at the cockpit door!" How many times have you heard this? After a smart-ass remark like this I usually dub the front "the dickpit". I've always wondered why some cockpit crewmembers (mind you, SOME cockpit crewmembers, not all... I've flown with some great pilots and would love to hang out and drink a beer with them anytime), think they are so much better than anybody else. Maybe it's because they have a 90,000 lb. rocket between their legs; maybe it's because this rocket compensates for something they don't really have! Anyways and anywho, this page is dedicated to the cockpit stories we have stored and hidden in the back of our minds, deep in the bottom of our subconscious... now it's time to dig them out and share. If you would like to contribute, please email your story to fabp_2000@hotmail.com.

"Globemaster", submitted by Chris, 15 May 2002.
Allegedly true but totally unconfirmed: A C-124 and an F-4 are on intersecting taxiways at Rhein-Main. The F-4 driver radios Ground and asks, "What are the Globemaster's intentions?" The C-124 pilot opens the nose doors and says, "I"m going to eat you."

"You Must Speak English", submitted by Chris, 15 May 2002.
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

"Fokker", submitted by Chris, 15 May 2002.
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got that Fokker in sight."

"Speedbird 206", submitted by Chris, 15 May 2002.
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign, Speedbird 206: Speed bird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate." The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

"Good 'Ole Continental", submitted by Chris, 15 May 2002.
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

"Unknown Aircraft", submitted by Chris, 15 May 2002.
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f---ing bored!" Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f---ing bored, not f---ing stupid!"

"Long Roll", submitted by Chris, 15 May 2002.
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

"Screwed Everything Up!", submitted by Chris, 15 May 2002.
While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

"Indecent Proposal", submitted by Eric, 14 May 2002.
There was an aged pilot who was known for being obnoxious. Not only did the flight attendants hate him for his crude remarks but the other pilots despised him for giving all pilots a bad name. Seems he was particularly infamous for calling the flight attendants in their hotel rooms shortly after reaching the layover hotel. This call was generally an indecent proposal. Although this proposition was universally declined, he obviously maintained hope that some day his luck would change. One evening after a long day he made his regular phone call to a young flight attendant who had been very nice to him all day. With hopes high he suggested that he come to her room. Being a new hire and impressed with his position of authority she somewhat reluctantly agreed on the condition that the other members of the crew be kept in the dark the following day. Our intrepid aviator gladly agreed to her terms. Thinking that he would make quick work of this neophyte he ran to the elevator all the while thinking of the bragging rights that he would soon have. Reaching her room he found the door ajar. Upon entering he heard the shower running. The young but not so innocent flight attendant called out to him, "You'll find some wine on the desk. Why don't you pour a couple of glasses and join me for a shower?" Not believing his good fortune his trembling hands poured the wine and tore off his clothes. Fully at attention and with a drink in both hands he threw open the bathroom door. Inside he found the beautiful young flight attendant and the rest of the flight crew, fully clothed.

"Face-clawing Fight", submitted by Tammy, 18 April 2000.
A reserve F/A on Airport Alert is assigned a trip she is soooo excited she runs to the gate and boards the A/C. The crew can't quite figure out why she is so excited. She keeps saying "I can't believe my luck I got assigned to this trip. It's going to be a blast!" She goes on and on. Finally the lead F/A says "What the hell is wrong with you it's just a trip!" The reserve says "you don't seem to understand... my boyfriend is the First Officer" and proceeds to give his name. "We are going to have a great layover!" The Lead F/A turns beet red and says "Oh yeah? Well, the First Officer is my fucking husband!" The two flight attendants get into a knock-down, drag-out, hair-pulling, face-clawing fight and the F/O hears the commotion and gets into it too. Needless to say the Captain has a Supervisor from Inflight and the Chief Pilot come down to the plane and they all get replaced. True story at CAL. Moral of the story: one should never SHIT where they eat!!!!

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This site designed and maintained by flight attendant Dave Meadows, 2000.