"Concealed Weapon" submitted by Gérard, 16 May 2002.
My roomate was going back home to Montreal on her pass. She was really excited because she had not seen her boyfriend in two weeks. As she is going through security, the guard asked her to open her crew bag. She complies, not knowing what he wanted. He then took out her dildo, waved it in the air and asked the guard on the other screen: "Can she go on the plane with this???" Everyone saw and heard it. She quit not too long after!!!!

"Only in France" submitted by David, 02 April 2001.
Honestly I didn't think this was true, since there only so much we can say and get away with. But then I noticed this was a french airline, and they can pretty much say anything and get away with it... 'cause they're french.

I am a f/a for a french airline and one of my friend who is a colleague had to deal with a passenger who was shouting at him that he was just a waiter in the air. My friend just replied: "No madame, I'm a farmer." The lady: "What do you mean?" My friend: "As you can see, I feed the pigs."

"The Evolution of a Flight Attendant" submitted by Mari, 17 March 2001.
If she's been flying for 1 month:

She blushes at dirty jokes.
She wants to marry a captain.
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her intelligent.
She reads "What Every Girl Should Know".
She thinks all men are nice.
She wears her wings with pride.

If she's been flying for 6 months:

She smiles at dirty jokes.
She wants to marry a first officer.
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her fairly intelligent.
She reads "How to Win Friends and Influence People".
She thinks some men are nice.
She wears her wings happily.

If she's been flying for 1 year:

She laughs at dirty jokes.
She wants to marry a ramp agent.
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her intelligent enough.
She reads "The Art of Love".
She hopes some men are nice.
She wears her wings doubtfully.

If she's been flying for 3 years:

She tells dirty jokes.
She wants to marry a man.
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her a little intelligence.
She reads "How to Live Alone and Like It".
She knows all men are not nice.
She still wears her wings.

If she's been flying for 5 years:

She invents dirty jokes.
She wants to marry.
She would rather not have to think.
She reads "To Have and to Hold".
She would rather wear a ring.

If she's been flying for 10 years:

She IS the girl in the dirty jokes.
She wants to marry, "but after all, is it really necessary?"
She can't think.
She reads "Fact is Better Than Fiction".
She is glad all men are not nice.
She wears a mink.

"You know you've been flying too long when..." submitted by Jetwaiter, 02 March 2001.
You know you've been flying too long when...

1. You can eat a 4 course meal or your Thanksgiving dinner standing at the counter in the kitchen.
2. You reach for your seat belt when you sit on the toilet.
3. You look for the "crew line" at the grocery store.
4. You can pack for a 4 week trip to Europe in 1 roll-aboard and 1 piece of hand luggage.
5. You can sleep sitting bolt upright in a chair-- any chair, anywhere.
6. You NEVER unpack.
7. You can recognize pilots by the backs of their heads-- but not by their faces.
8. You can tell 70 yards away if a piece of luggage can fit in the overhead bin.
9. You are amazed how male passengers cannot figure out how to rearrange items so that more things can easily be fit into the overhead bin. (Maybe if they would load the dishwasher more?)
10. You NEVER hear announcements the pilots make-- if they want you to know something, they must call on the inter phone and tell you personally.
11. You can tie a neck scarf 36 ways.
12. You know at least 63 uses for air sickness containers-- none of which pertain to vomit.
13. You can actually enjoy a crew meal eaten on the jump seat right next to the lavs-- which are in constant use.
14. You understand and actually use the 24-hour clock.
15. You can get more therapy from conversations on the jump seat than you can from your $150 an hour psychologist.
16. You can follow the plot line of a movie without ever hearing the audio portion.
17 . You own 2 sets of uniforms: fat and thin.
18 . You don't think in "months"-- you think in "bid periods."

"Flight from Hell" submitted by Denise, 15 January 2001.
Hey guys, flight attendant Denise sent this to me today... and it's pretty damn humorous for two reasons. Reason #1: we can all relate to fucked-up flights like this. Reason #2: deciphering email-jargon is first really annoying then really funny! (Especially after a few beers).

"Hi My name is Denise, I fly for an express carrier. I was due to begin a 3 day trip beginning on a Tues., I called crew scheduling on Mon at 5:00 PM to call out, I felt like SH_ _!!! I had body aches, high temp, the whole works------- they told me I would have 2 talk w/sup. OK! 2 make long story short! She didn't want me 2 call out,bcuz so many fa have called out,and they needed me. I went 2 work(sick)! My last leg, from PHL 2 Ottawa was a full flt, 1- I could not find my Capt or FO. & when I did, we did not depart until an hour after dep. time,the flight was supposed 2 b only 59 min. I had 2 UM's,5 wheel chairs(one a straight back) and out of them I had 2 mentally challenged pax!!! We could not land in Ottawa due to weather and we diverted to Burlington, VT!! We sat in the middle of wherever at that airport, the pax drove me crazy!!!!!! after a long wait, the capt said we had 2 go back 2 phl, they drove me crazy!!!!!!! But b4 we could leave 2 go back, 1 of my pax who has a heart pacer, said he is having chest pains!!!!!!!! then 1 of the mentally challenged pax told me that her "TIT'S" hurt and she need a doctor!!!! We ended up w/2 ambulances and 2 fire trucks at the a/c!!!!! Again 2 make a long story short, we didn't take the pax back to phl, the airline got a bus 2 take the pax from VT 2 Ottawa Canada, and one of the pax (jokingly) said to me "Denise what will our movie be on this bus"? I said, "AIRPLANE!!!!" They all started laughing really loud!!!!!!! But this is the day I wanted to call off sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I WAS SICK!!!!! I only gave you part of the story, but can you imagine the rest of it?! It was the flight from HELLL!!!"

"Check It" submitted by Marla, 12 January 2001.
This was told to me by a college friend's mom whose best friend was a stew for Delta: A man gets on the plane with a bag that it too big. Miriam the flight attendant tells him the bag is too big and he's going to have to check it. He says, "why don't you shove it up your ass?" She replies, "well sir, if it would fit there, you wouldn't have to check it."

"Cold Coffee" submitted by Don S., 11 January 2001.
I'm not a member of the industry, just a frequent flyer... on a short hop from Chicago to Indianapolis a while back, I joked to the stew that we might have to stop for a cab halfway to our destination, since the plane looked worn out. She replied "You know, there are three things that the Captain cannot stand: cold coffee, wet toilet paper and smart asses".

"Seat No. 134" submitted by Easy, 02 January 2001.
We were flying from DRS to PMI on a B737-800 as 3R and 3L in the back of the a/c. We started boarding with a jetway and stairs in the back, when a lady came all the way down the aisle showing us her boarding ticket: "I canīt find my seat. Itīs seat no. 134 but the plane has only 32 rows....??" Before I could explain to her, that the number 134 indicates her as pax no. 134 which has checked-in and that her seat-no. is marked in the right corner my colleague grabbed the ticket looked at it and said: " well, seat 134 ? Please leave the plane here in the back, cross the taxiway to the third parking position, itīs the second plane on the left!" The lady grabbed her bags, smiled at us, said "thanx a lot" and left the plane...:-) We couldnīt believe it, we stopped her in the galley and and of course showed her the right seat.

"Have you seen this?", submitted by Fredy, 02 January 2001.
I am not affiliated with the industry, although my wife flies, but have traveled some 3.5 million miles in my professional career from one end of the globe to the other. As you can imagine I have seen some screamers.

The best one that springs to mind was when I was in New Zealand mid 80's. At that time Air NZ had a policy of introducing the safety briefing by way of the purser announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, have you seen this?", whilst all F/A's held up the aircraft safety card.

I was sitting second row in cattle class with this voluptuous brunette about to commence her safety demonstration two feet away from me. "Ladies and Gentlemen, have you seen this?" goes the intercom, at which the brunette proceeds to rip up her blouse to her shoulders and expose some bare and well rounded mammaries to a half-full 737-100.

Well, those words became the saying of the industry in NZ for many years. Turns out this F/A had been drinking with some pals before her flight and was in a party mood.

"No Frills", copied from email, 02 January 2001.
YOU KNOW IT'S A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN...
...they don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
...all the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
...before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
...if you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
...you cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
...before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
...the Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
...when they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
...the Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
...you ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
...no movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
...you see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
...all the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

"Terms for the Air Crew", copied from www.skychick.com , 01 January 2001.
Flight Attendant ~ A sophisticated travel maven or one whe deludes herself daily into believing that her job is glamorous.
Trolley Dolly ~ The ultimate hostess, able to plan and execute a sit down dinner for 500 in the time span of 2 hours.
SkyBag ~ A piece of carry on luggage, or any flight attendant that has been in the air since the days of the pterodactyl.
Skirt ~ A term coined by front-end crew to designate which flight attendants should serve his majesty on the flight deck. There is a reason they call it a "cockpit!".
Suit ~ A term coined by front-end crew to designate which flight attendants should not serve his majesty on the flight deck. They fear that "cockpit" may be interpreted literally.
Air Hostess ~ A designation for any flight attendant of the British persuasion who serves "bangers and mash" as opposed to "chicken or steak."
Stewardess ~ Any flight attendant who is prone to sporting a mini skirt and the Marlo Thomas flip.
Purser ~ Always the grouchiest flight attendant on board. She can most often be found in the galley with her lips pursed in a constant scowl. (see also Sky Bag)
Waitress in the Sky ~ The wrong terminology to use if you were hoping for an in-flight meal!
Air Fairy ~ Self explanatory phrase that may only be used by those who decide that they fit the category. (aka Flying Flame)
Dead-Head Crew ~ A rowdy goup of air crew, most often found in the galley mixing themselves drinks as they travel as passengers to their work destination. Greatly envied by the working crew.
Cons/Copers ~ An airline employee traveling on a pass. Always the first to be bumped from a flight and often content to spend 14 hours in the comfort of a flight attendant jump seat.
Captain ~ The ultimate egotist who thinks nothing of waking passengers at 4 am to remind them that this may be a good time to catch a little sleep. Second only to God in terms of authority! Known also as the "left seat."
First Officer ~ A "left seat" wannabe occupying the right seat. Can most often be found chasing skirts and shooing away suits (an explanation of why flight attendants both call them FO's and tell them to FO.) Holds authority only over any pets traveling in the cargo hold.
Cleaning Crew ~ Comprised of a group of unfortunate but well paid people who must remove all manner of disgusting things from the seat back pockets after passerngers deplane.
Maintenance ~ A term applied to those sleeping people a flight attendant must wake and shoo from the plane prior to boarding passengers.
Crew Sked ~ Mystical deities, possessing the ability to turn a perfectly good day off into an excersise in avoiding the phone.

"Sex in the Plane", copied from Maxim magizine, 12 July 2000.
Be prepared: want to know how Maxim readers plan on having sex in the airplane? You do? So do I! Click here to find out what their dirty little minds are planning for your next flight.

"PanAm 577", submitted by jphillip, 11 July 2000.
While working for Eastern Airlines' enroute radio service we got a call from PanAm 577 over the Gulf between TPA and MSY. Crew reported one pax had consumed a lot of beer before boarding, had a couple on the airplane and was rolling in pain because he couldn't pee. We contacted emergency services at MSY to meet the airplane but a few miles out of MSY Clipper 577 reported to cancel the request for EMS and just have the cleaners meet the airplane.

"Confucius", submitted by Kenr, 01 July 2000.
Confucius say: Lady who fly upside down have crack up.

"Getting Old", submitted by Dschoe, 29 June 2000.
A passenger on board an Eastern flight kept ringing the flight attendant call button. The flight attendants were busy on the beverage cart. One flight attendant finally went to the passenger and said "I'm sorry we did'nt get to you faster, but we're all old and it takes us longer to come"

"Take Off", submitted by First Officer D. Francis, 20 June 2000.
This following anecdote was submitted by me and published in Reader's Digest (All in a Day's Work) in January 1997:

Sitting at the gate in LAX, the Reno FA came into the cockpit and said "you will never believe what I just said to one of my first class passengers". Explaining that the passenger was extremely handsome, she became flustered while taking preliminary drink orders and said "after we drink, what would you like to take off?"

"Nuts", submitted by Bryant, 13 May 2000.
Printed on the back of an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Directions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

"Pacemaker", submitted by Yokarine, 18 April 2000.
How dumb can you get?!? A couple of months ago I flew with a gal that has been flying for over 10 years. Anyways, she made the 5 min pre-departure P.A and a pax seating in first class rang her F/A Call Button, and told me that she was wearing a pacemaker. She wanted to know if it would interfere with the A/C navigational system. I told her not to worry, that everything would be OK. I went up to the head F/A and told her what the lady had asked me. The #1 looks at me and says "maybe I should ask the CA". She opens the cockpit door while we are taxiing and says "Capt, a lady in first class is wearing a pacemaker, should I ask her to turn it off?" Honestly, I could not believe she had said that!!!

"Sticking Foot in Mouth", submitted by Skychick, 5 April 2000.
This is a true story. This one flight attendant I worked with was a cute little spit fire with a strong southern accent from Nashville. She was pushing the bar cart and some little boy had his arm and leg sticking out into the aisle. She joking said, "You better move those arms and legs or i'm gonna cut 'em off!" When she got up closer she realized he was an amputee! Poor thing, she felt about 2" high and wanted to go hide in the lav for the rest of the flight.

National Transportation Safety Board, copied from email, 09 March 2000.
Due to an increased rash of airline fatalities in the news lately, the NTSB (National Transportation Safety Board) in accordance with the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) has decided to mount a digital camera on the wall of the cockpit behind the pilot and co-pilot aboard each and every flight beginning with the MD-80, MD-90, and DC-9 series. Built of the same material as the in flight recorder (the black box), their sole purpose is to take pictures of the pilots every five seconds (a repeating loop every fifty minutes) to make sure what they are doing is within company policy, to the benefit of the patron, and functioning properly. Click here to see an example picture...

"Brownies", copied from the website "Cabin Decompressions" , 2 March 2000.
During the return flight I was sitting in first class where were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag. After the plane landed I got up to leave and a flight attendant approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

"Situational Awareness", copied from the Fudpucker Airlines website, 16 February 2000.
A wife reports that her husband, an airline pilot, often has difficulty locating items around the house. One day he asked where the salt was. His wife wife responded, "How on earth can you find Detroit at night in a blizzard, but you can't find the salt in your own kitchen?" "Well, darling," he replied sweetly, "they don't move Detroit."

"You Need to Take This!", submitted by Scott, 15 February 2000.
A northwest airlines flight was experiencing some turbulence and had to abort cabin service. As the flight attendants were quickly trying to pick everything up and put away the cart a passenger grabbed the sleeve of a flight attendant who clearly had his hands totally full and rudely said "You need to take this!" The flight attendant responded with "Sure, and if you stick a broom up my ass I can sweep the aisle as I go!"

"Stretch Your Legs", submitted by Chris (copied from message board), 10 February 2000.
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman-- I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye Dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they were trying to change airlines!

"I Want My Coffee Black", submitted by Josh, 10 February 2000.
Here is another "hold your tongue girl" moment... I was flying with this black girl and we were working the bar cart together in the main cabin... I guess she had made this lady's coffee wrong because all I heard was "are you stupid... I said I wanted my coffee black, as black as you!" I thought my friend's wings were going to come off her dress and she was going to throw down but alas... she handled it like a professional. My friend then pointed to the lady's melato daughter and said "and I take it you like brown sugar...." I just about pissed!

"Sleepy Jane", submitted by Josh, 10 February 2000.
I'll call this next story "sleepy Jane". I was working a red-eye back on a 757 from LAS. I was the spinner position in the main cabin... we had finished our service and I was going on a walk through only to find our mid-galley "Jane" out cold on the 2L jumpseat... well I'm not one to tattle so I woke her up and told her she was crazy and that if a passenger saw her that she would be cleaning pubes off of urinals at taco bell! Well about a 1/2 hour later we were going to go through with another beverage service and we looked EVERYwhere for her, even the cockpit only to find the bitch out cold in the 2L CLOSET!

"St. Bona", copied from the website "Cabin Decompressions" , 9 February 2000. No story, I just thought the picture was pretty funny! Just click on her to see the whole picture.

"Handsome Young Man", submitted by Mike McGowan, 5 February 2000.
I was on the bar cart and asked this old grandmom if she would like anything to drink. She said "You know, you're a handsome young man." "Aw, thank you" I said "that was nice to say". "If I was forty years younger", she replied, "I'd take you in the back and teach you something!"

"Little Girl's Letter", copied from the website "Cabin Decompressions" , 3 February 2000. An actual drawing and letter written by an 8 year old girl flying from Quantas, and handed to the flight attendant at the end of the flight.

"Airline Dictionary", submitted by Tammy, 26 January 2000.
The airline industry, like any other, has a specialized dictionary. These are words and phrases that are used commonly by airline employees for which the meanings may not be obvious to outsiders.

Air Traffic Control: A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
Baggage Claim: The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."
Carry On Bag: An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
Flight Schedule: An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
Fog: A natural weather phenomenon, which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.
Group: A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) traveling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.
No Record: Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
Non-Revunue Position: Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
On Time: An obscure term, meaning unknown.
Passenger: A herding creature of widely varying intellect usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
Position Closed: Position Closed This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."
Pre-Board: Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
Sign: An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.
Ticket Agent: A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. Later in life they sit in parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.
Voluntary Oversell: A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.

"Little Old Lady", submitted by Ivan Taylor, 20 January 2000.
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying Delta Airlines." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

"Student Pilot", submitted by Kevin Chast, 20 January 2000.
A student pilot was being reprimanded by an irate instructor. The student pilot finally turned around and yelled "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin back, man!"

"Squawks", copied from email, 18 January 2000.
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) is for the problem, (S) is the solution:

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
(P) IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics.

"Big Black", submitted by Dave Meadows, 11 January 2000.
My friend Sara told me this one. Sara was the FM01 and I was FA02, and she said this big black guy was sitting right behind the bulkhead in the fifth row looking at his ticket. They had just finished boarding, the flight was pretty full, and the cabin was quiet. Sara started to close the bins for departure when this guy flagged her down. He showed her his ticket and asked where 3F was. Sara explained it was in first class next to the window. Incredulous, the big black guy exclaimed in a deep booming voice: "Shit! I'm first class in this mother-fucker?!?"