Alright, we've all had them: stories that made your skin crawl and your eyes weep. This is a no-holds-barred page where you provide the entertainment. Remember the story about the flight attendant who couldn't find her shoes? How about the one who's room stunk so bad she finally checked under her bed and found a dead body? Was if fact or fiction? Urban myth or reality? No one know for sure. But please remember, even urban myths have some basis of truth. If you have a chilling horror story, please share! Email fabp_2000@hotmail.com.

"Scary Spice", copied from Stuff Magazine, 15 May 2002.
February, 1998: Picture Spice Girl Mel B, tanked-up, rabid and madder than a bag of cats, exploding out of an airplane toilet and felling stewardesses like ninepins. This was near as dammit the scene that greeted passengers on a 767 bound from England to New York, as "Scary Spice" lookalike model Lorna Dow, glutted with champagne and cannabis tea, ran amok. She demanded to fly the plane, as the pilots were "only drivers", then dragged flight attendant Christine Cook down the aisle by her hair, screeching "What are you going to do about it, bitch?" Only the fact that Dow's head didn't spin through 360 degrees rules out the first recorded instance of skyborne satanic possession.

"I'll Kill You", copied from Stuff Magazine, 15 May 2002.
July 9, 1998: Jarrett Liebman, 12, and his little sisters Mazi and Ashley were flying unaccompanied for the first time, from Fort Lauderdale to Atlantic City. Seated behind them was Celeste Keenan, a 37-year-old dancer from Pompano Beach. Keenan, having sprayed the cabin with perfume and cursed out the stewardess, took umbrage with Jarrett, sweetly explaining, "I'll kill you. I'll sue your family so bad you'll be living in the street." When the boy reclined his chair, she broke it with a savage mule kick, trapping him like so much pastrami on rye. Clearly a believer in firm discipline.

"I'll Bust Your Ass!", copied from Stuff Magazine, 15 May 2002.
October 20, 1995: Investment banking firm TCW America were no doubt beaming with pride when they saw the publicity garnered by their president, Gerard Finneran, 58. En route from Buenos Aires to JFK, Finneran found the crew couldn't bring him liquor fast enough, so he got up and helped himself. Asked if he would mind not doing that, he genially replied, "I'll bust your ass!", roughed up a stewardess, then pulled down his pants and took a crap atop a first-class service cart, wiping his ass with the linen napkins. As they say in showbiz: what a finish.

"Captain Stan and First Officer Ollie", copied from Stuff Magazine, 15 May 2002.
January 7, 1996: Taking off from Atlanta, the pilots on a Valujet airliner were perturbed to notice that the landing gear had failed to retract, Lesser men would have turned the plane round and headed right back, but these fellows were made of sterner stuff. Thinking outside the box, they simply pulled a circuit breaker, silencing the cockpit alarms for the duration of the journey. 200 feet above their destination, Nashville, the canny airmen reset the switch, which automatically deployed the spoilers on the wings. The plane lurched downwards, bouncing like a basketball on the tarmac, knocking out the radio signal from air traffic control, and dragging the horrified passengers to the brink of cataclysm. So much for the Bright Idea school of flying.

"Take That, You Swine", copied from Stuff Magazine, 15 May 2002.
December 17, 1986: The brand spanking new, $30 million F-16 fighter jet was the pride of the Pakistani airforce. Alas, it was not to last. This gleaming denizen of the clouds was brought crashing down in flames by one of the Islamic nation's oldest and most reviled enemies: pork. Its little piggy brain boiling with ham-like kamikaze fury, a suicidal wild boar charged into the jet's front wheel on take-off, sending it skidding across the runway in a veritable inferno of sparks. The pilots ejected seconds before fire engulfed the mighty metal war machine. Not about to take this lying down, rampaging air force officers butchered hundreds of the porkers in an orgy of bloody retribution. That showed 'em.

"Those Meddling Kids", submitted by Chris, 15 May 2002.
March 23, 1994: Perhaps Captain Yaroslav Kudrinsky, of Aeroflot flight SU593 from Moscow to Hong Kong, was a little too enthusiastic about Take Your Daughter To Work Day. A cockpit tape records his 13-year-old girl, Yana, saying "Daddy, can I turn this?" Then his 15-year-old son El'dar took over at the controls, and the trouble really started. Eagerly swivelling the control column, Junior disconnected the autopilot. The plane, still at full power, rolled over sideways and began to plummet at a dizzying 650 feet per second, while crew members shrieked instructions at the bewildered teenager and his father desperately tried to shift him out the seat. Kudrinsky at last levelled out at 1300 feet, too late to stop the Airbus A310 shattering against a Siberian hillside, killing all 75 aboard. Wrecking the old man's car is one thing. . .

"I Brake For No One", copied from Stuff Magazine, 15 May 2002.
March 5, 2000: You're not even safe on the ground. In what the airline described as its "worst Incident ever", a Southwest plane carrying 142 people overshot the runway at Burbank airport, smashed through the perimeter fence, slammed at least two cars on the six-lane Hollywood Way and finally came to rest at a Chevron gas station. This is not the usual practice for aircraft wishing to refuel. Astonishingly, no-one was seriously hurt. Investigators believe the Boeing 737 came in twice as steeply, and 50mph faster, than recommended. Said a ranking local police officer: "We are really lucky a lot of people were not travelling on that road, because those planes are a lot bigger than cars." With those powers of detection, no wonder he's the boss.

"No Shirt, No Shoes, No Sanity", copied from Stuff Magazine, 15 May 2002.
March 16, 2000: carpenter Peter Bradley, 39, is described by neighbours as helpful and polite. By his neighbours in Blue Springs, Missouri, that is. To his neighbours on Alaska Airlines flight 259 from Puerto Valleto, Mexico to San Francisco, Bradley is the six-foot-two looney-tune who tried to kill them all. They were tipped off by Bradley roaring "I'll kill you all!" as he battered his way into the cockpit and lunged for the controls. He had spent most of the flight wandering around barefoot and shirtless, babbling and gibbering and intimidating the tiny stewardesses. Then, as the plane started its descent, he made his move on the flight deck while the copilot tried to fend him off with an ax. It took four even bigger men to drag him off and overpower him. Apart from two traffic violations from 1979, Bradley had no previous record. A late starter, then, but one making up for lost time.

"Quick-- Got Any Gum?", copied from Stuff Magazine, 15 May 2002.
April 28, 1988: Nineteen. A good age for a girlfriend. Not so good for an airplane. Bodywork inspections are called for in both cases. It was almost Aloha-And-Goodbye Airlines when a Boeing 737 lost a six-yard chunk of its fuselage at 24,000 feet over Hawaii. Just ripped off and blew away, taking a stewardess with it. Said one passenger: "The plane was disintegrating. It was just a matter of time before it came apart." As all aboard sang hymns from the brace position, pilot Robert Schornstheimer somehow managed to guide them down to safety. The FAA promptly ordered checks on all 737s, more than half of which showed stress fractures. Maybe that explains why an eight-year-old Piedmont Airlines 737 shed an engine over Chicago O'Hare airport the following January. Or maybe it was just moulting.

"Thanks Pilgrim", copied from Stuff Magazine, 15 May 2002.
August 19, 1980: Saudia Airlines Flight 163 took off from the Saudi capital, Riyadh, carrying 287 Muslim pilgrims and 14 crew en route to Jeddah. Within 12 minutes, it was heading back, on fire. The captain landed safely but, despite the smoke was pouring down the gangway and the passengers fighting in the aisles, elected not to order an immediate evacuation of the aircraft. By the time firemen and rescuers managed to wrench open a door, almost half an hour later, the inside of the jet was blazing and the exterior shell on the point of collapse. There was not a hope in hell (and this was a passable imitation) of finding anyone alive. The likely cause of the hideous conflagration: a pilgrim who saw no reason not to brew up a cup of tea in the aisle on his kerosene stove. Well, he was really thirsty.

"Dying for a Drink", copied from Stuff Magazine, 15 May 2002.
June 29, 1994: American Airlines flight 901, Miami-bound out of Buenos Aires, is cruising peacefully above Jamaica when a flight attendant brings a box of refreshing beverages into the cockpit. But where to set it down? The reserve first officer, flying the plane, helpfully moves his co-pilot's seat forward, startling his colleague, whose legs hit the control column, disengaging the autopilot and forcing the jumbo jet into a nosedive. The passengers' meals, and some of the passengers, splatter against the ceiling like close-range paintballs. 16 seconds later, when the crew regain control, one traveller has a ruptured spleen, several are sprawled across the gangway and the rest have lost their appetites. Lesson: keep your seat belt fastened and your thumb on the beef-or-chicken-sir.

"Exploding Sick Bag", submitted by Nigel B, 04 January 2001.
Last July I was working a night Ibiza with the usual pissed-up-at-the-airport troup on board. Not content with remaining in their seats to shout "nice arse, love" at their hardworking hosties, once the seat belt signs went off they spread themselves out across the aisle to enjoy their own private beer fest. Unknown to myself, one of them had been sick at some point, and despite being kind enough to use the sick bag they then left it on the floor, as I soon found out when securing the cabin, lights dimmed. I heard a pop and, much to their delight, a trail of vomit sprayed right up my leg. I tried to clean up on turnaround but I'm sure I noticed some passengers gagging as I walked through the aisle on the following sector.

"Eye Drops", submitted by jphillip, 12 July 2000.
While working at Eastern Airlines' enroute radio we got a call from PanAm's Clipper 1 from JFK to SFO. It seems one of the f/a's thought she was putting eye drop moisturizer in her eye but in the dark cabin had grabbed nail glue instead. We did an emergency medical phone patch and they doctor assured the crew that what damage was going to be done had been done and EMS would meet the airplane in SFO, take the f/a to the ER and they would use solvents to RE OPEN her eye.

"Hidden Shoes", submitted by Dave Meadows, 05 April 2000.
This is one of my favorite urban myths: a flight attendant named Pam checked into her hotel room and went to dinner with the crew. They had a few drinks then went to bed early. However, at 8am the next morning (van time) Pam was nowhere in sight. Five minutes passed and the Captain called her room; she answered and told the Captain that she was ready except she couldn't find her shoes! "I wasn't that drunk last night!" she replied. The Captain went upstairs to help her find her shoes. They searched in vain for a few minutes until the Captain checked the first drawer under the TV set. There were Pam's shoes, with a handwritten note on top which read "Thankyou for letting me watch you last night". It turns out that although Pam checked her room when she first got in, she didn't recheck after dinner. A hotel employee let himself in, hid under the bed, and watched Pam for the rest of the night as she slept. Now that's a nice bedtime story for your next layover!

"I'm Sorry", copied from Out of the Blue, 18 March 2000.
When bad weather closed the Dallas/Fort Worth airport for several hours, departing planes were stuck on the ground for the duration. One frustrated passenger, a young woman, walked up to a female flight attendant and said, "I'm sorry, but I have to do this." The passenger then punched the flight attendant in the face, breaking her nose.

"No Room", copied from Out of the Blue, 18 March 2000.
A flight attendant returning to work after a double-mastectomy and a struggle with multiple sclerosis had a run-in with a disgruntled passenger. One of the last to board the plane, the passenger became enraged when there was no room in the overhead bin above his seat. He snatched the bags from the compartment and threw them on the floor, then put his own bag in the empty bin. After hearing angry cries from passengers, the flight attendant appeared from the galley to see what the fuss was all about. When the passengers explained what happened, she turned to the offending passenger. "Sir, you can't do that," she said. The passenger then rose from his seat and broke her jaw with one punch.

"Sleeping Man", copied from Out of the Blue, 18 March 2000.
During a full flight between New York and London, a passenger noticed that the sleeping man in the window seat looked a bit pale. Sensing that something was wrong yet not wanting to wake him, the concerned passenger alerted flight attendants, who soon determined that the sleeping man was actually dead. Apparently, he had died a few hours earlier because his body was completely cold. Horrified by the prospect of sitting next to a dead man, the passenger demanded another seat. But the flight was completely full; every single seat was occupied. Finally one flight attendant had an inspiration. She approached a uniformed military officer, and he agreed to sit next to the dead man for the duration of the flight.

"Lady Slumped Over", submitted by Dave Meadows.
I flew with a flight attendant named Carol and she told me this one. She had just finished her bar cart service and was chilling out in the front eating one of the first class meals. All of a sudden a dozen or so call buttons went off near the very back of the aircraft. Carol went to check it out and when she got there she saw something horrific: blood was all over the place and the passengers were freaking out. An old lady in the back row was slumped over her tray table. It turns out the old lady bled to death through her newly operated trachea hole! She started to choke on the blood and began forcefully blowing out blood through her hole before she died, spewing it over the walls, seats, and passengers.